The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Rosa
LearntheLesson:
You should be a therapist on this subject. Maybe you already are, for all I know.
You are GOOD!
witsend
good grief….
No one seems to be on right now and I hear your pain so I am going to take a shot at this. I’m sure that you have been told all about the S traits and behaviors.
But sometimes when we don’t understand…We don’t understand. It takes a lightbulb moment. We just don’t get it.
Think of a LOVE scene from the most STEAMY romantic movie that you have ever seen. We all have our favorites. You pick yours. One of my personal favorites is Legends of the Fall. Brad Pit is making love to his dead brothers girl and I swear the chemistry between them is something I “feel” no matter how many times I watch that movie.
Yet when the scene is over actor and actress walk away from the scene without ever feeling an ouce of feeling. It was a well ACTED scene. Yet it draws us, the audience in as if it was real.
This woman you fell in love isn’t who you think she is. You fell in love with the illusion she CREATED. She “acted” out the part.
WHO she really is, is what you see now. A cold, calculated, woman who doesn’t return your emails or phone calls.
There is no closure. (from her) You will NEVER recieve a sincere I am sorry from her. She isn’t sorry. You have got to make your OWN closure for the ending of this relationship.
Just like in the movie, the chemistry, the love scene, its all an illusion.
She instictively knew what you wanted and she became that woman to draw you in. BUT SHE NEVER WAS THAT WOMAN. What she did is not excuseable. So you don’t have to make excuses for her.
Heal yourself. If you contact her it is just more fuel for the fire. Somehow find the “positives” that lies in the fact that you didn’t loose years of your life with this woman. Or have children with her.
Good Luck.
learnthelesson
Haha Rosa…
If you met me year and half ago — you would have escorted me to a therapist upon saying hello to me!!
Im learning as Im typing…and just sharing what Ive learned along the way from experience..
Like you and all of us…School of hard knocks with this topic!! 🙂
Rosa
Witsend:
That is so right on. You need to be a therapist, too.
I am using your post when I talk to my brother about his psychopath wife.
Aeylah
As always another fantastic post that I can so relate to, as well as everyone’s experience here.
The silent treatment is one of the most saddest forms of psychological punishments because it leaves us so manipulated and confused. It is usually that push, pull, words followed by no actions. In my case it was allways….”I love you” and then the silent disapearing act.
Actions do speack lowder than words, and when I learned to listen to the tone of voice, and read body language, I started to predict much better when I was about to be “punished”. Newlife describes the walking ahead, feeling special because they give us a hug, or sit next to us or any form of affection….I know it all. And sadly I learned it at an early eage with my father.
So when my x-S used these tactics on me they seemed “natural” go figure.
The pain of NC cuts deep both ways…and I fell off the wagon today…had an itch I had to scratch…. I know the concequences….I’m in pain again. I should have listened to OxDover’s advise about “treatiing them like a potted plant” , because when I did in the past it gave me power and I knew that the NC cuts the core of their S psychy as much.
Peace to all.
sabrina
Witsend- Great analogy with Legends of the fall to GG. This helps me as well to get the picture.
In reading these posts, some painful memories came back, to the point of making me feel kinda sick. THe thought of the N/P denying me attention for the intent of punishing is so obvious now. He told our pastor that when he cheated on me with the internet porno skank he met for sex on his lunch hour, was because he was mad at me at the time! I remember being so pathetic like a little puppy begging for attention from him. Even the slightest positive comment I held on to for dear life!!
When I was growing up my mom somehow made me feel that I would get more attention/better treatment from her if I looked prettier. If I looked ugly (in my mind) she would be more abusive, meaner in some way. Not sure how that manifested. My mom wasnt severely abusive, not like some of yours (so sad to read) but nevertheless, it affected me. So with the N/P I felt I could NEVER be pretty or even acceptable enough for him.
As messed up as it sounds, I found myself being sad that I wasnt prettier, in better shape, younger ,etc cuz that may make him happier and treat me better. Sick huh?
With him, I began working out 6 xper wk, While taking care of children, a business, a large home, while living with such a demented mind f’er ! In the days of me OBSESSIVELY working out at gym, with a trainer, doing classes/cardio/weights,,,blah blah blah.
I ,at 110 lbs. dripping wet- The N/P grabs my arm and says with a vicious evil smile- You STILL have flabby arms!!!
He exceled at the stonewalling game to make me feel insignificant. He purposely ignored me when his children or parents were around, left me out of family outings, and bragged continiously to anyone who’d listen about how he ran things around here! Excuse ME??
He was even a control freak about the refrigerator, I got griped out if an item wasnt put back into its exact spot. He was militant about the stupidest things Ive ever seen. Just makes me sick that I was like a child, so desparate for positive enforcement from him. ALmost every half ass compliment he gave me, he would later come back and critisize the very thing he “approved” previously. Sex and affection was doled out as he saw fit. I heard the “i always want you, then he’d turn over with blank stare bored look, move to other side of bed OR other room if I requested cuddling, or anything from him. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I will move forward and never stick around to be D&D’ed by another S.
Rosa
Sabrina:
“I got griped out if an item wasn’t put back into its exact spot.”
Have you seen the movie “Sleeping with the Enemy” with Julia Roberts? That refrigerator business he was pulling on you is VERY “Sleeping with the Enemy”.
hens
Steve Becker you hit the nail on the sociopath head again. Example: He is 6 hours late coming home – so yes I am pissed again and know it will not do one bit of good to talk to him or ask himwhy? where? what? who? so I just go silent and then he get’s pissed and sleeps on the couch and before to long I am getting the silence treatment from him and asking him to forgive me for it so he will at least come to bed. What a nasty vicous cycle it was. In the end no contact is the how we find our sanity again. No contact means for ever and ever amen..
Tilly
Good grief,
Someone said earlier that you are addicted to this person like a heroin addict to heroin. Its the truth. I know because i do it too. You are setting them up like they are your God or Higher Power. Is there something else you are addicted to?n (sugar, nicotine, food…whatever), try to see that the person is the same (a drug), and you may be able to get some clarity.
sabrina
Rosa re: sleeping with the enemy, I dont think I’ve seen the movie. I might should get it, probally make me furious all over again. He had an innate ability to make me feel that I was so incapable, that I couldnt boil water correctly. Even said HE could run MY business better than I can. That really rubbed me the wrong way. I argued viciously with him on that and several other idiotic comments he’d make. Always made me feel like I was in some sort of weird competion with him on everything. Felt like I constantly had to defend myself. An undercurrent of uneasy, uncomfortable, and something aint rite…