The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Joy:
I am not an attorney, let me say that first and foremost.
It sounds as if you have loads of documentation.
I would suggest:
Take a digital dated photo of your cell phone showing the number/date and time the call came in from the child. You had said it is normally a withheld number but this time it was unblocked.
Do the same of your placed call to CPS.
Take those picture to court copied in fours.
Go online to your cell phone provider and print out your current calls….this will provide documentation of the incoming call/time/date and your call to CPS/date/time etc…
This is crossreferenced backup documentation.
Take all reports that you have copies of (Four copies)
Copy all documents in FOURS….have them labeled specifically what they are, what they show.
This prepares you to provide the court, the S, your attorney and yourself.
You may wish to keep a file box in a SAFE place AWAY from your home, where S could never find them. NOT ON YOUR COMPUTER. A disk is fine too.
To ease your mind….IT IS NOT ILLEGAL TO MAKE A REPORT OF ABUSE AGAINST A CHILD. You do not need PROOF to file a report, legitimate concern is enough. Suspected. This is what these agencies do….investigate….it’s not YOUR job. It is a moral and a civic duty to report suspected abuse against a child. I also believe being in the medical field you may have an additional ‘duty’ to report?
You followed through on this, you should not be ‘punished’.
The only reason he was issued an immediate restraining order was, that is what the courts do generally, especially when children are involved….that is why a hearing is scheduled, to substantiate the claims on DV.
Because these restraining orders have been grossly abused, this is why we have hearings…..to provide evidence….He will have to provide the evidence on WHY you are in violation of domestic Violence laws.
You have voiced your concern prior to multiple agencies/courts etc…, you have nothing to gain from filing these complaints….you are legitimally concerned for the child….and SHE CALLED YOU!
There was nothing illegal about that….there was no order in place.
I know it’s easier said than done….and you have a lot to lose…..BUT I WOULDN”T WORRY….
do your due diligence, record and document it all, work calmly and with concern and state your concern in court. Remind the judge you have nothing to gain from filing this.
The more you are prepared and organized, the more you are heard.
JUST STAY CALM, PROFESSIONAL and IN CONTROL. No facial expressions (that takes some work)…
If your not ready for court, ask for an extension of the hearing. I know this might not sound like a great thing, but if you feel it is needed…don’t hesitate.
Gather your documents/friends/ alibi’s and FLOOD the court with information. In my experience, I would rather have WAY too much amunition and be ready to shoot, than wish I had the ammo with me and be shot at.
One of the things that really worked out AWESOME for me at my hearing (totally different than yours, Divorce), was that I was able to provide a document then and there as the judge requested it. I didn’t rely on my attorney, I knew I gave her a copy, but she didn’t have it in court….BUT I DID!!!! That took a major issue off the table immediately and allowed us to progress to the point of ending it that day. This saved me months of paying my attorney until the next hearing and other issues that would have, no doubt, came up by the S’s endless accusations in the meantime.
I ‘played’ backup attorney to my attorney. I learned NOT TO RELY on anybody. Don’t count on anyone…..it’s YOUR LIFE! Don’t let anyone but YOU be in control of it. Not that I am saying go in without an attorney, I think that is wise, legal red tape and the attornies ‘relationship’ with the courts…..Good ol boys, Unfortunately…..but go super-de-dooper-dee armed up, yourself!
My first attorney laughed at me appalled, I had 2 suitcases of documentation for my first appearance….he was also the attorney that told me I wouldn’t get anything and just be happy with the divorce and move on!
THANK GOD I LISTENED TO MY GUT!!!!!
My heart goes out to you! Sorry you have to go through this.
You will do fine!
MATT:
DONT LET THE S LIVE RENT FREE IN YOUR HEAD!
….free yourself.
I am glad to hear your getting out, I havn’t gotten there yet….I did do the dishes tonight though!
I’m going to spend the weekend filing my 2 trees of documentation away neatly. I will clean off my stairs of the stacks of bank statements dating back to 1980 from the S.
I am heading in the decompression stage, I took a nap today! Once I get my surroundings in order, then I will be ready to seek out the public places….just in time for summer.
I think we work through the pain, until we find a purpose…..explore your purpose and turn it around and make something good for yourself out of this.
Have a fantastic weekend! 🙂
NewLife:
Yep…count on it all from them….REMEMBER they are LIARS.
BUT….as frustrating as it is….he will hang himself in court with all his abuse and ‘cornering’ of you and your rights.
Just continue your relentlessness about fighting back through the courts….it provides documentation.
My S, after all the major assets were off the table….(and in my hands) fought like hell to take 2 items that were my kids…..it was obvious punishment to them for speaking with the judge.
Keep going girl…..get what’s yours!!!!!!!
Thank you all SO MUCH for all of your responses…I don’t know where I’d be without this place. Posting that letter was the best thing I could have done because you all broke it down for every reason not to send it. I haven’t been writing as much but it still happens. I feel myself getting lighter emotionally, I feel the fog lifting, but it is a DENSE fog and I can be a dense person. The hardest part is accepting it was all a fantasy. It is the hardest thing to believe.
I wonder sometimes though that don’t they value a good person in their life? Don’t they value someone they get along with and have fun with? Or are they truly just loners?
I’ve been reading and re-reading all of your responses numerous times. I was reading on here last night that they DO know the difference between right and wrong. So I guess that means she knows what she did was wrong but doesn’t care.
Dear GG, it isn’t that they don’t “value good people” they suck you dry of all they want out of you, and then discard you the same way you would discard toilet paper when you are done with it. They have a need for excitement and change, so your “turn is done” and she will move on to the next victim.
I strongly suggest that you go back through the archives and read ALL the articles, you will educate yourself to most if not all of your questions, and the “ah ha” moments will flow.
Erin: absolutely wonderful advice to Joy! And to Matt. You go girl!
Erin, Thank You . I have the actual phones with the actual calls
history on the display screens.
Matt, Will they let me display the actual phones. Or does it have to be paper copies of phone records. I tried the digital photo thing but couldn’t get the quality good enough. I paid a site for his criminal records but could not find any for VA and I know he committed many robberies there as well. Do records disappear after a certain period of time? And is there any place to get his army records. He was discharged for the good of the army due to him being mentally unstable. Are they public access?
Good Grief, They do indeed enjoy us, they get there jolly from the thrill of setting us up for good times and great feelings so that they can then turn on us and have us going WTF just happened. Then their real fun begins.
Goodgrief,
The goal for me was simply to be able to live life without having to have “the need” for him or another. I found that along the way I lost my sense of self. My sense of what is really important in my OWN life. I wanted to FIRST AND FOREMOST get back to waking up everyday for ME, MY LIFE, MY DAY. To get back to basics and to a place where what somebody else says, does, wants, doesnt want…didnt affect me the way I had allowed everything he did, said, etc…to affect me. I came to realize I am a valuable person (thanks Kathleen) and that my future relationships will be based on earned and valued trust. I will not blindly give my self-everything away to another…
It became less and less about him and what happened and more and more about Me…. what I was going to do now….that I found myself flat out on the ground…with him nowhere around….the choice of trying to make someone see me for all my goodness…or trying to make myself see who I really am and what I really deserve in my life. I deserve someone who values me and cherishes me as much as I would them…and most importantly I deserve for their ACTIONS to be one and the same with their WORDS…. you deserve that…all of us do…if we choose to let someone into our world and share our lives…it better be someone who has their chit together and treats me well..
Im SO GLAD YOU FOUND LF earlier than most of us on our journey with a disordered person. All to often we spend alot of time alone, confused, struggling, making unhealthy choices, trying to hold onto someone who is simply just toxic for us in our lives…all to often we seek them to come back or we take them back….please know there is a very good chance 6 months from now this girl will think you have “mellowed out, forgotten, still have low self-everything, and still pine away for her….and she will out of the blue do the famous “hit and run”….for fun, fantasy, money, sex, a “fix” again….. you need to be prepared to protect yourself. You need to be in a place where you have boundaries in place, and all your self-respect and self-worth flying high to be able to ignore her or tell her..you are not someone I want to be with, Ive been there and done that ONCE…and ONCE WAS MORE THAN ENOUGH. All without guilt or regret!!! Becasue the truth is she has already shown you who she is, her choices and actions where you are concerned are not with your best interest in mind. JUST HERS
Just imagine being able to experience what you did with her with someone who is consistent, sincere, honest and real. If you think what you had with her was the bomb….just wait until you share realness with someone who has her chit together, if you choose! The best is yet to come!
The fog is lifting for you…Im really happy for you that you stayed the course and weathered the storm. And I thank you for opening up your raw and honest and real moments through this part of the process…your posts will definitely help others who come here and read and relate and hopefully make the decision not to choose self-destructive behaviors, losing all of their self-value etc…to try to get back a toxic person who messes with their heart and mind…I think you not only saved yourself alot of trouble (financial, emotional etc..) but youve helped to slow down, take a breath, and find themselves again to recreate a stronger sense of self. Not just give it away. So thank you.
LTL… No, thank u and everyone else here for bearing the same old drum with me over and over again until I get it…this website has been tremendously enlightening. I still miss her everyday and it’s still so frustrating, especially when I get home sometimes and I remember how she was supposed to be there to greet me. I always be disappointed that she turned out to be this way but it is what it is, as unfortunate as that is. She is a trainwreck, plain and simple but I miss her and that makes little sense. It’s frustrating for me that I’ll have a few good days in a row and then the littlest thing triggers a memory and I’m pissed off for awhile. The truth is is that I’m furious with her despite shat I said in that letter. U breaking it down yesterday with all your WTF’s made me laugh so thanks for that and your right. Picturing her out there just not caring about me hurts bad, it’s tough for a normal person to get over and I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but the fact is is that I have no choice in the matter, I have no choice but to press forward everyday missing her like I do but I have no choice. It’s so strange how my brain blocks out what she did and focused on the good times. Whenever I take a step back I realize what she did was so ducked up and she still hasn’t said a word to me about it. It makes me sad that she can be so cold. When I was right there when she woke up from surgery, when I was in the police station protecting her I never thought she would or could be. Makes me wonder why she even wanted me to hang with her in Michigan with her family for all those days if she knew what she had told them and she knew what she was about to do with me. She even told ms she wanted to keep me there as long as she could. Maybe for her it was her last hoorah
JOY:
” I have the actual phones with the actual calls
history on the display screens.
Matt, Will they let me display the actual phones. Or does it have to be paper copies of phone records. I tried the digital photo thing but couldn’t get the quality good enough.”
The phones MAY be enough….but again…go armed to the nines. They usually like something they can hand to all parities, in addition to keeping on record with the courts. It also shows the S how organized and efficient you are and he might think twice next time.
If you set a digital camera to the ‘close up’ setting (it usually shows a flower) and zoom in on the phone screen. Make your actual phone screen light up and don’t take the picture straight on, you need a slight angle to it…..try it with and without the flash…. Take tons of pictures, you can go through them and delete the ones that are not good, and print the one that is the keeper.
**If you don’t have a digi camera (not just a phone camera)….Dealing with an S….that is the first tool you need….I keep mine in my purse and it has become an invaluable tool SO MANY times! Next purchase is a digi tape recorder (about $30). Again, in my purse! Again, Oh so valuable….I taped everything.
As far as military records, I would imagine they are kept close to the ‘heart’ of the govmt. I have heard they are the hardest to achieve…court order…..?
Have you also looked at your states registered sex offender list. It is online…all you need is a name or licence plate #….He may be there…one never knows!
Key here is overkill on documentation.
Again…..be prepared, overly prepared….it’ll give you piece of mind going in and confidence!
Dear GG,
WHY? Why do they do what they do? What do they get out of torturing, using and abusing, and devaluing and discarding us? I’m not sure that any of us will truly understand how they think any more than they can understand how we think.
Why? It is just BECAUSE that is WHAT THEY DO! Doesn’t make sense to us because we can’t think like they do. I wish we could at least truly UNDERSTAND, but I have given up on trying to truly EMPATHIZE with them because I have NO basis for it. I dont think like they do, therefore I can’t truly understand. I DO think more like you, and I CAN empathize with you, because I have been where you are—devalued and discarded by the people I loved most in the world, the people I helped and sacrificed for and who have NO gratitude, no love, no caring for me at all. They don’t give a rat’s behind how I hurt or feel. I found out, just like you did, that YOU CANNOT EARN LOVE. You cannot do enough for someone to make them love you when they can’t love anyone. People either love you for YOU or they don’t love you, no matter how much of your blood and love you give them.
They accepted your sacrifices as their due! Their entitlement. I can’t understand that thinking, not really, because when I do things for people that I care about, I do it out of love. You did it out of love.
Sure, it hurts to realize that you are not loved by “them.” but I would rather love and lose than to BE THEM who can never love. think about that one, GG, it is actually pretty profound. It is only those who can love that can hurt…they get angry or hate because they don’t get their way, but they never truly love and you know, I don’t want to be like them at all. (((hugs))))