The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
GG:
OXY knows what she’s speaking of! Read, read, read. You will process and recieve answers along with the AH HA times. You will certainly question the why’s and your own value….but you will come to a place of acceptance in time, realize it didn’t matter what, how, when you did it….the end results would end up the same……it’s NOT you darlen! You were just there for it all!
One thing I found very helpful was reading and coming to the realization that…..IT WASN’T ME! It wasn’t personal…..when you get to that point….take the personal out of it….it is easier to carry on, because you take away your self doubt.
Then you can step back and are able to see how the S related to all people and on what level…..I bet it was on a personal and friendly, charming and charismatic level….I bet everyone liked her….this is how they operate….get personal, friendly….then no one questions them….they are ‘good’ people!
Warning others is a catch 22. I am finding, even now….all I have been through, all that has been substantiated and confirmed throught the courts….people just don’t see it, or want to accept it UNTIL they are victimized first hand! As crazy as that sounds, people want to discharge poor behaviors as….oh, well that’s just XXX. It’s easier to deal with emotionally…..until, like I said…they are the victim!
I have one friend, who we have known for years and years….he saw his behaviors on so many levels….but not personally….. he ‘sort of’ pulled away a bit when he saw the S harrassing me after I was diagnosed (with cancer)…..he even confronted S asking him to please give her peace to heal…..
After that, he became a victim….the S went after him, his family, his business with a vengence. It cost my friend 30K, needing an attorney to protect him, business and family (something the S NEVER thought he would do was retain counsil) and alot of hassle…this was 3 years ago….S is still harrassing him….. Our conversations now consist of ‘Damn, that guy is crazy’, I can’t belive how evil he is. We talk about all the things I used to tell him (my friend) and how I felt he discounted me…….he says “yeah, I just didn’t realize, until I was living the hell too”.
People just don’t ‘get it’…..the light is either ON or OFF! It’s pretty straight forward!
Keep growning, learning and moving through another day….one day, I promise, you will land up where you wish to be!
GG,
You hit the nail on the head…Disappointed that she turned out to be this way. ACCEPTANCE of that will get you FAR!!
As far as still missing HER..its more of still missing the illusion…she planted the seeds of falsehope in your relationship…she went along with all the fun, carefree times (these people dont miss out on that part for nothin! its basically a fun free-ride…and she knew all the WORDS to say to set that falsehope in high gear…so you are missing the fun and all her WORDS you keep reliving…but I promise you — you arent missing her ACTIONS…when you tally up all the things she truly did, the choices she made in her own life let alone with you (from financial to common relationship courtesies to not being honest at so many turns) it all equates to really shitty times ahead to be had with someone like that…always having to accept her bad treatment of you. NOT A GOOD IDEA!
Kathleen Hawk, gave me a lightbulb moment once when she said to me “You were doing all the giving and caretaking and reaching out to him in the relationship and he was doing all the giving and caretaking of and for himself too.. and nobody was doing any of that for me in the relationship…my all was to him and his all was too himself…
Please open yourself up to the possibility that she is different than you in that your WORD IS GOOD,…YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAY… YOU KEEP YOUR WORD….
HER WORDS…THINGS SHE TOLD YOU…THINGS SHE SAID…well they are just words. Maybe in the moment, or getting her through to the next part of her day or helping her score something she wants to gain or simply getting others to believe her…Her words are a form of manipulation — they are not like you would share your words — you mean what you say. When you wrap your head around she is her own entity misusing words and manipulating words.. you then start to realize you can give very little value. or credibility to “What she told you…and then why she did this after she TOLD you that”
They usually have a motive of personal gain when they say or do something (especially something we receive as to be nice) as far as Michigan…did she need a ride there? did she think her family could break the news to you….did she think she might want to use you a bit longer??? The quesions could drive ya crazy….so instead think …WOW…IM ONE OF HER VICTIMS ON CAUGHT ON AND GOT OUT AND GOT ON WITH MY LIFE. I LOVED HER AND SHE HAS SUCH A SHALLOW EXISTENCE..BUT IM NOW BETTER FOR THE EXPERIENCE….THATS WHAT LIFE IS EXPERIENCES…HOPEFULLY GETTING DUPED ONCE IS ALL IT WILL TAKE FOR US TO LEARN HOW TO SEE THE RED FLAGS AND STOP AND CHANGE DIRECTION. HOPEFULLY WE WILL TRUST OURSELVES AND RESPECT OURSELVES ENOUGH TO FIND PARTNERS WHO MAKE THOSE SAME HEALTHY CHOICES FOR THEMSELVES SO WHAT IS SHARED IS TRULY REAL, AND HONEST AND HOPEFUL BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE…NOT ONE TRYING TO BE LOVED AND TRYING TO BE APPRECIATED…BUT BEING TREATED WITH LOVE AND APPRECIATION CONSISTENTLY…
And about choice….i disagree with you …you have every choice in the matter…Choice is with you everyday of your life…the question is are you making choices that are healthy for you…that are positive…that say this is choice is about me and for me first and foremost!!!! The choice to have NC should be because you realize she isnt the person you thought she was. The choice to have NC is because you already know the answers. The choice to move and let go is because you respect yourself, love yourself WAY MORE THAN SHE EVER COULD! She LOST YOU!!!
Glad you are furious with her…thats part of the process…get there…stay there a while…and then move on…the process gets amazing and you get strong and rewired a new and improved way! Its cool!!! Stay on the journey to recovering from a relationship with a toxic person! It gets better! Take care of yourself!
Joy, EB was bang on. Once I was on to N, I did exactly as she stated; took lots of shots of the call display and picked the good ones. The digital recorder is good too. I also bought a tiny external mic and taped it to my phone earpiece/speaker – any time N or any of the women called; I plugged it in before answering. It records both parties nicely. At the end of each call I stated the date and time before turning it off. I took lots of dated photos of myself at his place and took copies of all his cell records while I was there.
I don’t have any legal issues to deal with, but if anyone ever again has anything to say to me about poor hard-done by N; I’ll be more than happy to set them straight. And if his daughter ever contacts me wanting the truth – I have it in his own words and voice. I would never go looking for her to expose him, but if she comes to me, has problems, or asks…I’m ready.
My N is the master of parental alienation. He has successfully made her mother and I out to be evil incarnate, so I won’t hold out any hope.
Good luck.
joy:
In New York, we have what is called an “inmate lookup” which, if anyone served time, I think back to 1969, you can type in their name and track what hey were convicted of, where they were incarcerated, and when they were released.
As for Virginia, I’m not sure what the policies are. Also, some states have expungement, where, after someone is convicted of a crime, if they manage to go X number of years without committing a crime, they can have the crime, conviction, incarceration etc expunged (eliminated) from their records.
I confess to having moments when I think he is not what I know him to be. I had moved on. I have a guy who is good hearted, that I spend time with who is helping me learn to open my heart. It is not about the ex or missing him or wanting him back it is about the child. She contacted me and unblocked her number. To me that screamed cry for help. Because prior to Easter on the Thursday before Good Friday I spoke to her. She called my cell Dad had given permission for one phone call to Grandma to make excuse as to why she was busy every day of spring break and unable to see her. Me she is not allowed to see or speak with per dad’s request. During that conversation she asked if I was still her Mom and would I still protect her to the point of going to jail like I once said I would. I told her absolutely are you okay. She paused and said good I just needed to know that but I guess for now I’m okay. I told her to never call directly to call from a friends house but to call however needed if she were in need. She called from home and unblocked the number. At first, I thought it meant he had agreed to her seeing me. I now know that I simply got her in trouble by thinking he had had a change of heart. Stupid, Stupid me. All it got me was a phone call from him threatening me. I simply said I must know that she is okay and by any means necessary if you don’t let me talk to her. I will make contact through the guidance counselor at school, through the courts. or through social services because i believe that she is being abused. And the result was 48 hours later he walks into a domestic violence shelter and plays being oh so scared of crazy me. Such a joke. Career criminal, conman, more failed relationship than months in the year, 5 ex wives and three daughters he never had any contact with, and he suddenly has feelings of such great emotional distress. Yet he called me stayed on the phone until i ended the call to return from my dinner break to my patients and I have witnesses to the whole call. Such an abuse of the system I have never seen. Thank God my call to CPS was on the 13th and he waited oh so scared until the 15th to seek protection. Bogus!
Matt is that inmate look up open to the public? Do you have a link for me? It is a continuous record of crime after crime often things like failure to appear or probation violations but many actual crimes. Last did time in 2001 in Oregon. The records from Oregon I have all of those. Va would have been 1981-83. Also had his probation transferred from Oregon to CT. But can find no record of that either. would pay again if anyone knows a really good site for this sort of thing.
Dear Joy,
Some states have up a list and pictures etc of their current INMATE population (Arkansas does) and/or sex offender photos and addresses…however, I had VERY POOR results doing an internet search of crime records on line, even the pay sites.
What ended up VERY successful for me was to pay a Private investigator to do a search with his special (costly) software and he came up with everything I needed to know for $225. Not a bad deal at all. It was ONLY however, all the CONVICTIONS and did not include the arrest records.
I would suggest that you pay a professional to do your search for you, and if you cannot find someone in your area to do the search for about what price I quoted, contact Donna and have ehr give you my private e mail and I will put you in contact with the guy here in Little rock, AR that did mine. His prices are reasonable and he gets it done quickly, I paid with a credit card so he could do any search You needed on his soft ware, as it is national, not by state. Good luck. (((hugs))))
joy:
In New York I googled “New York State Department of Corrections Inmate Lookup”. That got me to the DOC site where I then typed in the S’s name and it all popped up.
Speaking from personal experience, US Search and Intellisearch can, for an extra fee, get you somebody’s criminal records quickly and for an extra fee, get you copies of the arrests, convictions, etc. At times their searches get a little broad, a you get junk for people with the same names. However, I think they’ve refined their search methods recently where if you’ve got date of birth and/or social security number the search is more targeted. They do work quickly, also. Their sites are pretty good telling you the turn-around time.
Thanks Oxy and Matt, I found 2 sites and paid at both got all arrests from one and his length of time as both inmate and probation period from the other in all 18 convictions spanning the last 20 yrs with a 6 yr sentence for armed robbery and kidnapping. Plus false info to police and menacing charges. Anyone know what defines menacing? Anyway, Never had so much as a traffic conviction so little petite nurse no record versus 6ft fat career criminal and I only made him scared with phone calls BOOHOO get him a tissue please. I think it is a no brainer joke of a case. And the fact that he went to a domestic violence shelter where terrified women go makes my skin crawl. Probably scoping out a new girlfriend can hear it now “oh honey I know just how you feel I’m SOOO Scared of my crazy ex, too.” Oh brother, I’m pure nauseous at the thought. LOL! Matt my records will be allowed in court correct?
Dear Joy,
My X-DIL was sent from JAIL for trying to kill her husband to a DV shelter where she was TOLD (I am told by reliable sources) that MY SON ABUSED HER!!!!! That she and her BF were only trying to DFEFEND her against my son (her husband at the time)—they had the guns, and SHE had the affair, so where is the “defense” thing? Sheesh! Makes me want to puke too!
Glad you got the information you needed, I’m no attorney, though, and so your records minght NOT be allowed since they came off teh internet, (and he can say they apply to someone else with the same name) BUT you can use that information I think and maybe get him for LYING later. Who knows! Maybe Matt can answer that.