The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
What good is a gun? Well the ex sure wanted to get mine out of my hands. Have sitting duck syndrome now. And I would most definitely pull the trigger to protect myself and those I love and would relish the opportunity to do the world a favor and remove some useless carbon based soulless life form, but only to protect myself. Not worth going to jail for.
QUOTE FROM SABRINA “its amazing how many S victims here own businesses! Very interesting””
Lol – I’m in process of setting up my own business at the moment!!
Maybe it’s our entrepreneurial self sufficent spirit that attracts the sociopathic personality. Kinda seems obvious when we think about it – that the strong attract the parasites! xxx
Genevieve, Congratulations on your new business venture!. I hope that you will be very successful and happy ! If you feel ok to do so, I would love to hear details- altho I understand if you dont or if its not safe to.
Even though its very tough- I feel incredibly blessed to own the business that I have. I know with the economic times, I am MEANT to be here and thriving- there is a purpose for my existance OR with the competition, I wouldnt have made it. While at work, I just take pause to thank God for the business He sends my way and will continue to send. I dont know your faith, but I have immense stress relief & joy by growing in faith while growing this business. I strongly recommend leaning on your higher power through the insecure times as well as the good times!
Another huge recommendation, -this may not be your first or only business, but in any venture that you embark on, I’ve found surrounding myself during MY PERSONAL TIME OFF (not just at work) with the most positive, industrious, and motivated people -is a huge asset.
Its amazing how many “problems of the world” can be figured out while having coffee with a mentor.
My main financial mentor/motivator is not even in the same business as I, but has given me unbelievable support and sound advice that has helped “mold” my thinking as he is a multi millionaire, started with nothing,& can even give the “small potatoes” like me tons of practical advice. . I think that investing in a few of these people that you can actively network with is crucial.
As far as with the S , their IDIOTIC perception of “If you OWN it, I DESERVE it, makes us worth the chase for them. My X being EXTREMELY a N as well, I think this served as a feather in his cap to talk about “WE own blah blah, business.-ALTHOUGH he never invested a dime or broke a sweat to work in “OUR” business. Grrr! Late in the relationship, he was so bitter/jealous about the business, he never even talked about it to anyone (unlike him to not use it to brag)
He “devalued” the business as well,as it was a continuation of me.
HE EVEN said he could run it better than I, tried to make me feel inferior, and inept.
One other reason for targeting bus. owners-, he saw a cash business where opportunity for theft was there, as he stole many thousands from my business.However, my true feelings about that- is that this business truly belongs to God anyways,
He has only ALLOWED me to run it to my best ability.
My reality is on my own- “I” dont own anything, its all sifting sand. SO if this demonic man could in “no” conscience steal all he could stuff into his empty tattered money clip, if he can live with that, then I can. I’d rather be the honest one, then the S- who will reap what he has sown with his “bad seed” money.
I beleive for a S, ANYONE that appears to provide a decent income is seen as “the last pork chop on the plate.”
I know that had I been financially dependent on HIM for anything, He would have dined and dashed on this relationship. Plus, this nut case had virtually NO FRIENDS. I had friends that he managed to get lots of free expensive meals out of (they paid some times, I paid sometimes- HE never remembered that It was ever his turn ), He got A FREE All expense paid Vegas trip FROM MY FRIENDS, (for MY birthday in which he ruined for me), FREE legal work from my atty friend,etc, etc, THey are such magets!
Sabrina,
Just wanted you to know I am ok…I did post a few days ago that I was going to back off from posting for awile and do more “listening” than talking. I feel right now that I am caught up in the desperation of my situation (not in a healing mode) and my contribution here is mostly “same sheet different day”, and EVEN I am tired of HEARING it over and over.
The director of the program did meet with me. He has a PSY D after his name, whatever that makes him ?….He did say, what validated my feelings all along. He said there is NO WAY that my son could have escaped without being DEEPLY affected, by being in the house ALONE with his father after he commited suicide for all those hours until I arrived home from work. His brain at his young age could not have possibly processed that trama.
I HAVE KNOWN this all along because my ADULT brain couldn’t process it either when I saw what I saw.
My son needs some serious therapy, with a QUALIFIED doctor who knows this “territory”. Back to square one. The damn medicaide and all roads leading to Riverwood and the quack he is currently seeing.
Here is another site for Delaware Criminal Justice information System online Wanted Person Review.
http://pubsrv.deljis.delaware.gov/WantedPublic/Default.aspx
Witsend- I am sorry you are in this situation. I didnt know that your son endured that with his father. I am sorry for you and for your son. I have no doubt that therapy and poss meds could help him. BUt when your son won’t cooperate, what, if anything does the director suggest you do?
I know the insanity of the raging, failure to obey even simple, common rules, and your inability or struggle to even get him up in the morning is excruciating for you.
Meow said: “meow says:
HELP. I don’t like how I feel around him. Maybe I am the sociopath. . Everytime I don’t like how he operates with me I block his calls, don’t answer emails, and ignore him. Now after reading this article, I feel rather bad. I apparently need skills on conflict resolution. I always just want to cut people off when I feel hurt. Any thoughts?………………..
Meow,
About a week ago there was a letter written into counselingresources website to “Ask the Psychologist”. It reminded me of your situation (except in this case the guy in question was her boyfriend and the boyfriend was calling/labeling his girlfriend a sociopath and that caused her to question if she was). But anyway, the girl asked the psychologist if he thought she was a sociopath, as she didn’t think she was, yet her boyfriend had an interest in psychology and had “read up” on sociopaths and their traits and he had “diagnosed” her as being one because he said she was selfish in her behavior, had no empathy, no remorse and was not caring etc. and this was in HIS opinon of course.
So this girl was concerned she might be a sociopath, and she freely admitted to the psychologist that she sometimes was selfish and put her own interest first ahead of her boyfriend, that she did not always return the boyfriends phone calls and no she did not feel “bad” about it because she was BUSY sometimes, yet she did express love for him. Turns out this boyfriend would phone her during the day while she was busy at school (she was a Senior) or even late at night (like midnight) while she was trying to sleep, and he would get upset if she didn’t return his calls etc. The boyfriend was apparently a high functioning bipolar (diagnosed) btw.
Anyway, the psychologist didn’t think she was a sociopath at all, but he DID think the boyfriend was using that “label” simply because she wasn’t towing the line meeting HIS sometimes unreasonable NEEDS and the boyfriend’s perception was that her not always meeting his needs (such as always returning phone calls etc. when he thought she should) as HER being selfish and unempathic and remorseless, rather than HIM being too demanding, or simply that she might be busy or have some reason not to call.
The psychologist also recommended she put the relationship on probation and if she didn’t see improvement, to break it off. He felt the fact that the boyfriend was so quick to label this girl a sociopath was a bad sign it and of itself and indicated wanting to “control” her by making her feel bad about herself simply because she wasn’t bending over backwards to meet boyfriends need. f I can only imagine what will happen if this girl breaks up with the guy. This dude will likely be running around all over town telling everybody she devalued and discarded him and she is a sociopath and unfortunately that label will stick in some folks minds!
Sounds to me like you are just acting in your own best interst by limiting contact, which you are perfectly within your right to do. So sometimes we really do have to be careful about labeling others, even ourselves! –Jenn
Sabrina,
I will find out more this week (hopefully) as still have to have interview with prosecuting att. Evidently the incorrigible petition is handled through prosecuting att. office juvenile division.
I am getting alot of conflicting information so far. The woman who works in prosecuting att. office says if he is assesed mentaly ill/depressed the courts will NOT DEEM him incorrigible?
The director (doctor) of the program that did the assesment with me said he is a candadate for the program (parenting with love & limits) but said he was more than likely very depressed?
The doctor said in order to BE IN the program he did have to be deemed incorigible by the courts?
Both said he would not be issued a probation officer.
So I guess it is safe to say I am confused by conflicting “authorities” involved so far in this process. And hopefully will understand more of what actually will happen with this, if anything, this week.
I hope you are doing well and feeling alot LESS stress. Living with a time bomb of your own flesh and blood is pretty difficult. (I know exactly how you feel)
Now I would imagine you must be feeling conflicted with your own feelings. Relieved that he is out of the house but also very sad that this HAS to be. Like a double edged sword. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
I pray your depression will lift and you will be feeling much better as your journey of healing continues.
Stress can be such a trigger in depression. At least I have found it to be so.
witsend- glad you are ok but sounds like you are in limbo until they make some decisions. but you are on the right track here.
Things DO have a way of working out- A freind of mine says this so much, I am starting to see and believe this statement! ha. Thanks for asking about me, I posted Friday on “waking UP’ about how I am feeling slowly better. Not as frustrated with myself about lying aroundthe house like “road kill”. I have been slightly more balanced out this week. N/C with my son has been somewhat outta sight, outta mind for me. Of course I have my grieving moments, but over all its a huge relief. My healing journey has came along way, but I am in no way capable of handling ANOTHER S in my home at this time- WHO can?
THats why I feel for your situation and as I have been where you are. Is his attitude any better? Are you convinced that he is sociopathic or is there a chance of other issues instead?
As far as depression goes, what I have seen with S personality, they all seem to have something similar to depression, – OR maybe it is the boredom -not really sure. Does anyone know?
THe x n/p was on anti dep. to help ‘Mood swings.’ Nothing helps a S with mood swings short of being 6ft. under in a pine box. He said he was obsessive/compulsive- Ya think?
WITSEND:
You have been on my mind this past week!!
Keep your strength.
You are doing the right thing for your son.
XXOO