The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Witsend,
You also crossed my mind this morning. I made a mental note to go send a shoutout to Witsend this morning! Thinking and praying for you…I had a mishap of sorts late last night administering wrong insulin to my son before bed…mixed up the viles…only remedy is immediate hospital infusion of dextrose fluid for 6 hours…this was another first time experience for me… determined not to blow a gasket again or hyperventilate again…at one point in the ambulance I closed my eyes and thought what would my LF Moms be doing right now….The Erin Brokovitch came out in me with being prepared w/medical notes and instructing Paramedics what I felt was best on route…the Sabrina in me came through by reassuring my son he was going to be fine and just trying to comfort him and make him less afraid..the Witsend “think it through” “think it all through and be confident and ADVOCATE for him (which I had to do near the end as he was getting too much Sugar IV)…and the Oxy in me said have courage in the face of fear…and realize we all make mistakes…and the Learnthelesson in me has learnED to keep the two glass viles color coded Red/Green and stored away from eachother!!!! Amazing how P defense and survival tactics can carry over in other daily living situations! TOWANDA LADIES
Learnthelesson:
GIRL….you ARE an INSPIRATION!
Hopefully, no harm done, but lessons learned…..
Get some rest today huh and take care of yourself!!!
XXOO
In the midst of it all, I received a text that said “Happy B-Day” from the “person” who use to have the ability to bring me down and set me back for weeks on end. I looked at the text and had absolutely no reaction…I deleted it and went back to my real life… he was not and never would be able to be real and honest and healthy in my life. He lost the priviledge of knowing me by the choices he made on my behalf, while I was in his life. The S Chapter is closed. Because Ive shut the door, locked it and thrown away the key!! I now choose to associate with people who treat me well as consistently as I treat them well…
Erin…
Right back atchya! xoxo
Sabrina Erin,
Thanks for thinking of me!
I am kind of in limbo and I have been there for awile I think…Waiting for him TO explode…Waiting for doors to open, waiting for answers to my questions. Waiting is kind of what I do.
To answer your question Sabrina….I don’t know if my son is a sociopath in process? He certainly has many of the traits. I think my son shows a COMBINATION of perplexing and troubling behavior/personality traits/and lack of “normal” emotions. I also know it is progressive. 6 months ago it was bad, now worse. 1 year ago bad, now worse. etc. That initself is troubling.
My opinion is that he is HEADED in that direction. He is in the “making” so to speak. That is my instinct, gut feeling & mothers intuition all rolled up. Whatever he might be “labeled” at this age, isn’t so important….
What is important to me is if he is the way he is BECAUSE of the trama he experience when he was not yet 4 years old and this CAN BE turned around in another direction with PROPER THERAPY…. I would like to see him get it. Just as if he had cancer or any other disease. It is difficult for me to believe that money/insurance is a factor here. But it is . Money/good insurance IS a factor in getting proper mental health treatment.
learnthelesson,
Oh you sweet, sweet thing…..You are such an insperation to all of us mothers. You are always so thoughtful and considerate to everyones feelings. Your son is so lucky to have you for a mom.
And I feel honored that you used the word confident to even describe me. I often feel the part of an advocate for my son but just as often “loose” my confidence in dealing with these people. I think you gave it back to me! Bless you xxoooxxxoo.
Dear Witsend,
You have enlightened me in so many ways, I have even found myself imagining being in your shoes. You are a strong woman and a determined Mom too! I think no amount of confidence can prepare us for our unknown journies, but finding our confidence in our fight/flight moments helps us stay the course.
Im so glad you are checking in and posting when you can..as well as taking the time to find your balance and sorting so much out. Please remember, you ARE being as proactive as possible and you are advocating for your son every step of the way ..alternatively you could be doing nothing, oblivious, giving up, fedup, or simply out of ideas and have to resort to your own self-survival techniques that painstakingly and tough lovingly many Mothers have had to do.
For you, right now, you are on a different path, this week will lend more insight and with your sense of self-trust and belief in what your son needs you will find the words and the way to bring that to light and decisions will be made with how you feel and what you feel is best too. There is a way to express, indicate, ask for …possibilities that exceptions be made, or that they see the humanity and real life situation along with the politics and rules and regulations. There is a way to make them (authorities feel heard and understood and at the same time YOU YOURSELF BE HEARD…my sister has seen me in action with Dr.’s …I try to make it as real and human as possible as they are reading from Med books and discussing the general rule of thumb and statistics…and I dont discount the importance at all…but I say each child is unique and one formula will never help every child across the board – there has to be room for the uniqueness of the situation — there has to be a way to incorporate a maternal instinct and real life situation/uniqueness to it, sensitivity to it, to help a child — isnt that the profession they are in? Isnt that the goal? I have been known to say if this was your child please tell me would you accept this for him or would you please make a consideration as to what logically will help him in the longrun. And if you feel its the incorrigble teen route…you will do all you can to advocate for that. If that door is being closed, its for a reason, Witsend, it means THAT is not the answer..and another door will open…its a little bit of maternal instinct and a little bit of whats to be, will be… that combination is the BEST! When we open ourselves to the acceptance that we do our best and our sons journies are in the hands of god as well…all you have to do is keep re-charging your energy batteries of SELF-EVERYTHING and do your best! Accepting the things you cant control/change (and that THATS for a reason) and allowing yourself to do the best you can with the choices you are given.
I will send an email off to Aunt Lynn with special attention to this week for WITSEND…and lots of prayers that direction and resolution for your sons wellbeing is going to happen very soon for your family! Hang in there. There is no way this isnt taking a toll on you emotionally and physically… remember to choose what you allow to affect you and what you choose to say NOPE, NOWAY, NOT GONNA GET TO ME TODAY. Gotta try to find the positivity in every situation — because there IS ALWAYS POSITIVITY IN EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. So hard to find it, but it is one of our choices. Easier said then done. Believe I know, but like you and with , I continue to try to find it to with the challenges in my life. Im with you on this journey! All of us are! You are heard here and you are not alone!((HUGS)) xoxo
Dear Learned, I sprayed herbicide on my fruit trees, from LABELED, COLOR CODED SPRAYERS, instead of insecticide! It happens.
Witsend, I would like to make a comment here, and don’t mean to offend, but I sort of see yourself setting up a “lose-lose” situation for yourself. Take it for what it ‘cost” you, (it is free!) It is POSSIBLE maybe that your son was traumatized by your husband’s suicide, BUT I sincerely doubt that it is causing ALL his acting out problems. The very fact that your husband was mentally ill enough (or disordered enough) to kill himself, which is really a very violent and angry act, itself, shows that he had “something” pretty serious going on….whatever it was. Since we do know that much of mental health and personality disorder issues ARE genetic, I would also postulate that your son may have MULTIPLE things going on, including genetics for PPD.
The thing I think about the you setting yourself up for a “lose-lose” situation is that if you are unable to get him “cured” by some form of therapy because you can’t acquire it, then you are setting yourself up to “blame” yourself for not getting him what he needs, so if he does turn out to be a P, you may always wonder if you had done something differently, would he have been “cured?” Or if you had doen it earlier, would he have been cured? etc.
Psychopaths are a mixture in my opinion of genetics AND environment, not only one or the other. With many Ps, they were perfectly nice little kids but at puberty become monsters (mine did in any case, and I have seen others as well) Others are “monsters” by the time they are 10 years old and uncontrolable except in an institutional setting.
I’m not trying to dampen your spirit of getting help for your son, but I am trying to help you see that whatever happens, YOU are not “to blame” for him, he is old enough now to make choices over which YOU HAVE NO CONTROL. He may not make good choices, and they may be based on brain chemical imbalances (for any number of reasons) but HE is in control of himself. You can do the best you can with the best of intentions, but if it doesn’t work out the way you would love for it to, I know you will be hurt, disappointed and sad, but I also know that you did the best you could, and are not “at fault” if your son isn’t “fixed.”
I remember the frantic hope that I had when my son was at that “break over” point of doing something to go to jail and ruin his life forever, or straighten up, and how I kept HOPE, FUTILE HOPE, that I could find something to get through to him, some form of therapy, some…some ….something! to help him. How painful it was to have that hope dashed to the ground over and over as he got deeper and deeper into crime and rage. Even then, even after he had murdered I kept hoping he would have a life after prison.
Take care of yourself as well as putting energy into him. ((((hugs)))) and all my prayers for both you and your son! Love Oxy
Witsend, One thought, Did you mention insurance coverage a problem? In my state, You can check where you live- we have ALL KIDS insurance thru BLue cross blue shield. Based on income-lower income levels get it free or for $100 a year-no more. It is EXCELLENT coverage. I worked at BCBS insurance for 10+ yrs. way back.You can call them to see what the income level must be to qualify. Its better than Medicaid if you quality due to all doctors/hospitals accept it.
Oxy,
You are “right on” as usual. I have often felt like I am setting myself up for a loose/loose situation.
For me, I know if anything, there is a long road ahead. Whatever the outcome, I am going to have to live with it and I have to be ok with the choices I have made along the way.
Because I do believe that there is a CHANCE that he might be suffering from a trama, I have to pursue that road. It’s not a “rose colored glasses” thing for me, it is though, a possibility.
It would be like if he had a 30% chance of survival if he had an operation done, but without the operation his outcome was TERMINAL.
I see this as a very similar situation….If he has a “terminal” personality disorder, then there isn’t much that can be done about it. It is going to be what it is going to be…..But if there is a chance that he can be helped (even if it is 30/70) to me, it is worth everything, to take that chance.
Because of all the “closed doors” I have encountered along the way, I have become pretty cynical….And you are right…If opportunity never EVEN PRESENTS itself for him to be able to get the therapy/help he needs I am going to be pretty crushed.
If the help IS given and he isn’t “cured” I am going to be pretty crushed.
However, if I just give up now, with him being 16 years old, I don’t think I could live with myself. (and that is worse than being crushed) I am not ready yet to “accept” that there isn’t a glimmer of hope for him. Not yet. But I’m also not “picturing” this “wonderful” outcome either. I’m TRYING to be as realistic about this, as I can possibly be without giving up.
As you say I will probably blame myself if he isn’t able to recieve qualified therapy. But I would blame myself MORE if I don’t give it my best shot…..
Once all the “unturned” stones are turned over by me (and I don’t have any unturned stones that I “see” after this incorrigible petition) I am pretty much at a standstill. I don’t have a stone to turn after that.
Maybe being a mother of a S personality disorder does have its share of blame to be “felt” before the healing can begin?