The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
sabrina
Thanks…I my state he had a coverage through blue cross blue shield that was called Mi Child. Only 10.00 per month! I loved it, as pretty much all doctors took this and dentist as well for “well teeth visits”. Cleanings etc. He had this coverage for several years.
In Feb (his yearly reinstating month or whatever you call it) of this year THEY automatically put him into the medicaid system because my income level went down. Way down. Almost half of what it was.
When they initially dumped him into the medicaid system I asked if he could still be on Mi Child and told them I could still afford the 10.00 payments. But it is all done “automatically” by income guidelines and I didn’t have that choice. He has only been on medicaid for a few months! His regular MD he has gone to for year doesn’t take medicaid either. He was “assigned” a new doctor.
Learned it is late but want to say that I’m making a copy of your unique child unique formula business of helping children lines and using them in court for my situation. I’m not her bio Mom but the one she knows, loves, and is reaching out to. Her bio dad views her as property to use and control. As stated her wants and needs don’t matter that she is his until 18 and he will keep her from me because he can. Surely a judge could order counseling for this innocent with supervised visitation with me. If it were truly about what is best for her. Can only try. Hope to find an attorney tomorrow and ask for a continuance so that I can properly defend myself and send some charges back at him for making false statements to intimidate and retaliate for me calling social services.
Alright everyone, prepare to roll your eyes. This is the last time I will post any letter as this is the last letter I will write to her. I am taking this letter and the last one and will then decide which one to consider sending but I doubt I’ll send either. If I haven’t at this point I don’t know if I will. I DID read and re-read all of your responses to the last one and I do get it. Part of me feels like I want to get through to her so bad and if I do then I’ll consider that a victory as sick as that is. My friend helped me to compose this letter and I swear he fits the profile of a sociopath. Been friends with him since kindergarten but he definitely fits some of the criterea. He has been up for the challenge to break through to her and with his mind being somewhat like hers this may work. He thinks basically that I need to write her the letter that she should in essence be writing to me and that will twist her around and confuse her to the point of possibly responding. I don’t believe what I write to be true, but I realize I have to take all of my emotion out of the letter and write something to her that no one in my shoes has written her before. I have really played this perfectly as I haven’t had contact with her in some time now and it’s possible that that surprises her and maybe she is wondering about me. No one needs to respond, I understand that it is probably frustrating for you all to keep saying similar things to me over and over but like I said this is the last one. My previous approach and this approach are all that I’ll consider. Like someone said to me if you let the letter sit for a few days you’ll likely change your tune by then and that has been happeneing to me. A lot of the letters that I re-read make me kinda sick and I’m glad I havent’ sent any of them because they dont represent how I feel or how I want to come across.
I hope you all aren’t mad or frustrated, I’m just working myslef through this my way and you all have helped me tremendously and for that I thank you. This letter could breakthrough because I’m not asking for her back and it will probably surprise her to the content…curious what you think. My friend thinks that this might make her feel bad (if possible) because I’m taking responsibility but I’m also ackniwleging that I’m fine that we’re done. He said 1 of 3 things will happen, she’ll call me and apologize herself and say it was her fault and that she’s in a bad place or blah blah blah, or she’ll call and try to get back with me because I’m acting non-chalant about it and not asking for her back which may make her want what she cant have type thing which will put all of the power in my hand, or of course, she’ll do nothing which will cement her in my mind to be the most evil heartless person on the face of the earth.
Just need to get this off my chest, of my computer screen and send it somewhere and I thought here would be a good place.
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Hey…
Just wanted to touch base. So what’s up?
Everything on my end is going great. (my business) is killing it this year. What recession? This time apart was necessary and it has been good for me, it’s allowed me to focus on shit I needed to focus on… I’m not gonna lie though and say I don’t miss you and beaner and especially sparky, but I fully accept that we’re done and that’s fine. It is what it is. Now that the dust has settled, I realize that I got so caught up in why you would do this to me and was wanting an apology from you so bad that I lost sight of the idea that I may owe you an apology because I can’t help but think that I did something to push you away. I thought there was something beyond special with us and you told me you cared for me and I really believed that. I just want to make sure that in the future that I never do this to anyone again… I NEVER want to make someone that cared for me and loved me as much as you did and someone that meant so much to me and I considered to be my best friend feel so bad that they don’t want to talk to me or even know me anymore. It bothers me to realize how bad I must have hurt you for you to feel that way. I’m not mad at you or upset as it’s all in the past and I’m over the past and don’t want to talk about the past, I’m just confused because I obviously thought you were moving here and you never showed any indication of being unhappy (even in your emails) and we were always there for each other and I can’t recall any bad memories together. None. With that in mind, for all the things I know I did right I must have done something seriously wrong and I apologize. If you could just respect me enough to tell me what it was so I never hurt you or someone else like that ever again.
Look, I understand that you don’t have to respond, you don’t have to do anything and it’s obviously easier to do nothing, but I didn’t have to do any of the things I did for you but you were counting on me and I was there for you. I feel that at the very least I was a very good friend to you and I’m only requesting that you return the favor as my friend…everyone here is disappointed it didn’t work out for us, they all thought you were a sweet girl and I agree…
I really hope things are going well for you out there.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning… but anyone can start today and make a new ending”… -Maria Robinson 🙂
I NEVER want to make someone that cared for me and loved me as much as you did and someone that meant so much to me and I considered to be my best friend feel so bad that they don’t want to talk to me or even know me anymore. It bothers me to realize how bad I must have hurt you for you to feel that way.
This line is so twisted and will probably flip her on her head…I know I’m kinda getting off on this challenge but I was reading last night about someone (maybe newlife08) who has some papers that their S wants and was advised to use them as leverage, to play his game and that is what I feel like I’m doing, playing her game and trying to win be using some twisted logic to penetrate her twisted mind. I don’t know, I want to talk to her thats all, I’ll give up eventually but I just feel like I want to put one more shot across her bow
crazymaking…
I cannot deny for a second that I want to give her a taste of her own medicine…I would absoloutly love for her to want to come back to me and for me to make it challenging for her.
I dont know if this will work, I dont know if anything will work, but I feel like this letter doesn’t portray me as being weak and vulnerable like the last one I posted. I’m not doing this again, it was mentally exhausting to tap into that dark place to come up with this stuff. Like I said I don’t belive it to be true, I know I didnt do anything wrong, I know that very well… fact is, illusion or not, I still miss her
I regret posting that letter already, it make me look like I’m crazy and it makes me look like I’m being sucked in to her web and playing her game when I should be above that. I rarely back away from a challenge and this one is huge but I should probably should know better. I’m not even sure what I’m trying to accomplish but this while thing has twisted my mind around and its almost like I thrive off of it. That makes me a little nervous. So I regret posting it cause it makes me look rather twisted even if it did get though to her. my friend said if she responds to me then I’ve won, no matter what she says, but maybe I shouldnt be playing the game at all
good grief:
Don’t send the letter.
I used to be a screenwriter. There is a thing in writing called subtext — the meaning below the words. Your hurt and bewilderment and longing for her all come screaming out.
Don’t give her the ammunition to use against you. She will see the letter as coming from a place of weakness. And she will, when she sees the opportunity to bleed you somemore.
Good Grief:
You and your friend are teaching me SOOO much about men right now. I had NO IDEA guys used tactics like this!
You are blowing my mind again!
As far as the letter goes, I would not send it. You know how we all feel about you contacting this girl. It is not a good move for you.
P.S. This letter might work on a normal girl. But, I doubt if it will have much affect on the girl in question.
P.S.S. I don’t believe your friend is an S. But, he is definitely a Womanizer!!
Hey GG
Look man, she’s a month and a half and a few states away?
You want to hold onto hope, play games try to win. Win what? She knows what you did for her. Obviously she dosen’t want it any longer. You want to keep a door open? Simple letter to her: If your ever in town give me a buzz. Let it go and hope she never does. I seen lots of great advice from all to you. Trust it..
Live Happy!
I need to stop putting my energy and time into this