The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
In moments of weakness I come here for strength. You guys make me stronger when I get weak with all of your reassurance. I dont think I’ll write any more letters, even drafts…
Matt-
Man, I tried to disguise my weakness and longing for her and all of that but I guess you saw right thru it and I suppose she will too. I was trying to look strong, non chalant and not really give her any ammo…
Rosa, my friend is not an S but definitely has tendencies. I havent told him that though but the more I learned about all the symptoms from this site the more I realized he fit them. what tactics are you referring to? crazymaking, backwards twisted tactics? yeah I guess when you are in a backwards, twisted place those tactics come out when you tap into your dark side. I have even lost site of the tactics I’m using…I think the last letter would work on a normal girl, I thought this one would work on an S girl and not so much on a normal one but you are a normal girl so I guess you would know 🙂
if i didnt post these letters here, I would have sent them all by now
Goodgrief,
I can understand that writing these letters has been part of the process for you….It does help sometimes to see it in black and white. Kind of clarifies how we feel at the moment.
And the fact that you didn’t send them is great because as you say you look at them a week or so later and you see your in a different place. What your doing is like keeping a journal in the form of letters.
I applaud you for your efforts so far. Good Job! Getting your feelings out on “paper” is an excellent way to deal with them.
That said…DO NOT send this letter. Look at this one (unsent) next week.
This letter is feeding into her even more so than the others if that is possible. You might as well just lie down and let her wipe her feet on you. OF ALL THINGS you do not owe her an apology. For ANYTHING. You are the “good guy” in this senerio. This letter will not have that reverse effect on her that you are hoping to accomplish.
Somehow you have to manage to de-personalize this. Alonon meetings teach this. You are not understanding that she isn’t just a regular “normal” girl that you can reason with.
The part “You” played in this could have been anyone. “You” are just another victim in what I would bet is a loooong line of other past victims in her wake. The crazy x stalker boyfriend you mentioned wasn’t crazy until he met up with the likes of her. SHE DID THAT TO HIM, just as she is taking up all that space in your head and doing this to you. She is making you pine over her and she is “onto” something else, SOMEONE else. It wasn’t PERSONAL for her. She didn’t do this to “you” personally she does this to all of her victims.
Picture yourself standing in line with all of her past x’s she has DISCARDED once she is done using them. If you could hear their stories you would all be saying the EXACT same things. You would actually feel “fellowship” with these guys, because you are all walking in the SAME shoes.
And that letter that you say is devoid of all your emotion is actually FILLED with emotion. And you have made yourself vulnerable as if you have done something wrong.
You are reading all of these horror stories of relationships here on LF but you are still thinking that your particular situation is “different”. Its NOT. Regardless if this girl is a N/S/P it really doesn’t matter. She is TOXIC and she will continue to be toxic.
If you don’t accept she is toxic you will keep obsessing about her.
Maybe at this point it would be a good thing for you to start journaling and NOT write your feelings down in the form of a letter but more in the format of how your feelings are progressing. You could still share them here and also have the ability to look back at them yourself.
By writing them in letter form it “keeps you” at the stage of still reaching out to her.
Good Grief:
You just said it! “I rarely back away from a challenge and this one is huge but I should probably know better. I’m not even sure what I am trying to accomplish…it’s almost like I thrive off it.”
OK Good Grief. I think this is a very revealing statement. MEN LOVE A CHALLENGE! MEN WANT WHAT THEY CANNOT HAVE! MEN LOVE THE CHASE!
Could it be that it is the “CHALLENGE” that you are obsessed with and not the girl?
Could it be that you want this scenario to turn out the way YOU WANT, and you will not stop until it does?
Could that be part of your addiction? I know it was with me. I wanted to believe that I was dealing with a good man, and I wanted to prove everyone wrong about him.
Because I loved him, I NEEDED to be right about him, even though there was overwhelming evidence to the contrary staring me in the face.
And even if he wasn’t a good man, I was going to change him into a good man.
That may be part of what is going on here.
Think about it.
P.S. The “tactics” I am referring to is the reverse psychology that you are using in the last letter. And “plotting” out the 3 possible responses.
Good Grief:
When you have A LOT invested with someone (time, emotion, money, whatever), you DO NOT want to be wrong about that person.
I think it is called “cognitive dissonance”. Become familiar with this term.
I am going through this same thing with my own brother right now, so I know what I am talking about here.
And I see it going on in your situation as well.
good grief, I’ve been gone all weekend, and just checked in to see this letter. The last time I posted to you, I suggested you were journaling. But that’s not what this is.
You are trying to manipulate her into something. You mention three different potential outcomes. The question is: what are you thinking you’re going to get from any of them?
Most of us make these attempts to get a response from our ex, because we think it will make us feel better. So I’m assuming you’re on the same track here.
The problem is, going to her to make you feel better in any way shape or form is a fool’s errand. If you’re “lucky” and she responds and gives you every possible thing you might want — apologies, explanations, professions of love, promises to be with you forever — what do you have? Basically another round with this person who will do exactly the same thing to you that she’s done before, once she gets whatever she came back for. Unless she’s gone through an instant personality change, she’s the same girl.
Sociopaths are users. It’s that simple. They look at you and the one thing they’re thinking is: What can I get out of this situation? They don’t care about how you feel, or what they leave behind. They can’t care; there’s something broken inside of them.
Anything that looked like they care — which is where our good memories come from — was something they were doing to get something they wanted from us. When we give in, they get bored with the game. If we balk at giving it to them, they start working on breaking us down until we do. It may be with insults or it may be with more love-bombing. One way or another, they are doing whatever they do in order to get something they want. We are their sources. That’s all we are. It feels personal to us, but it’s not personal. As soon as they’re done with us, or if we become too “expensive” in some way, or if a better source shows up, they move on.
This letter is all about trying to get her to respond to you. If she does respond, it will only be because she sees an opportunity there. That’s it. No other reason.
I’m talking to you as someone who had FIVE separate chapters with my ex. I can give you lots of reasons. I was addicted (which is probably the truest), due to his alternating between the perfect lover (the drug) and his withdrawing my supply until I would do anything to get it. He was persuasive; when he wanted something he tried one seductive technique after another until one worked. And it wasn’t just that he always came after me. There was two times that I missed him so much that I pursued him, and lucky me, caught him as he was just beginning to think about a lot of big expenditures he couldn’t afford.
But the most important reason was that I didn’t place any real value on myself, my time, my caring and my possessions. If I did, I would have seen early and all through it that I was worth more than this. I deserved better treatment, and I had a responsibility to myself to walk away because anything was better than this nightmare.
And so I kept being so nice, so generous, so forgiving, so understanding so that he would finally wake up to the fact that I had “earned” his love. But you know what I earned? More of the same. Because the only thing he saw was the perfect patsy. It was what he was looking for. I presented the opportunity and he grabbed it. And at the end he called me crazy for loving him at all and not taking care of myself. Because that’s they way they think. If you’re not taking care of yourself, then you’re food.
You’re still playing. And just like we talk about not bothering to try to warn their current victims, because their self-protective instincts are compromised, it’s hard to talk to you about what you’re doing. We’ve all been there. But we all know that the only thing that’s going to get you out of this is to STOP communicating. Nothing you get back is going to be good for you. If you’re lucky, she’ll ignore you. If you’re unlucky, she come back.
good grief, I was writing, while you and everyone else were posting. You’re getting lots of great advice, and it sounds like you’re getting it.
I wanted to add one more thing.
I totally sympathize if you want to somehow turn this around to a “win” of some sort. They leave us feeling like we lost something. Maybe feeling like a loser. Maybe being aware that we’ve been conned. Or maybe just feeling really messed up in a way that’s hard to describe. But if they’re the ones who did this to us, there’s some internal logical that says we ought to be about to fix it somehow through them.
A lot of us actually do come out winners in a way. But not “through” them. It’s more like the growing up we do because of them, in the aftermath of the relationship. It takes a while to figure out that we actually profited from this thing on a personal level. But in the meantime, a lot of us play around with trying to win against them through outsmarting them. With a few notable exceptions — mostly people who’ve had some success in recovering money or getting custody of their children — there’s not a lot to win. The most common and profound damage is to our self-esteem, and getting that back is a private battle, not one they’ll help us with.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. We all know how hard it is.
Kathy
Dear Good Grief,
Tell me…are you able…at this point….are you able to laugh at all about any of this? Just in a kind of sit back, look at it all way….with the friend helping you write this chick a letter….I ask because when I read that one part …
“”””I NEVER want to make someone that cared for me and loved me as much as you did and someone that meant so much to me and I considered to be my best friend feel so bad that they don’t want to talk to me or even know me anymore. It bothers me to realize how bad I must have hurt you for you to feel that way.
This line is so twisted and will probably flip her on her head””” –
Dude, at first I was reading the letter and SO LIKE WTF IS HE WRITING? I was starting to copy and highlight and paste….and give it to you good…and then I read on to you actually highlighting and pasting and stating your position on the twistedness of it….I have to admit I was laughing at that point….tears….dont know whether it was at you or me or your friend …..but I hope you can take a break long enough to find some of your humor again…
ok. so listen so much I could say to you, but in my book you are doing ok…No letter has been sent (honest, pathetic, manipulative, or whatever you come up with…NONE HAVE BEEN SENT….This is good!!!! We would never be mad or frustrated with you…in fact, your openness rocks…you are sharing your vulnerability, your pain, your love, and its mixed with your insecurities, your obessessing, your unhealthy reaction and loss of self-everything….THINGS WE HAVE ALL EXPERIENCED. YOUR A-OK ….
well, you are going to be A-OK :))
For what its worth, This letter is the worst one to date. Its not you or your truth. That equates to a bad letter. One she would write. Dont go to her level to get her back….on her level…and the level you would be getting back…is rather low, selfish, unhealthy. Rise above the challenge. If you want to win..get your own life back. Write a letter to yourself Goodgrief. Let it pour out. Write a dear Good Grief letter about the past year and your true view and feelings (not clouded) write what you went through, how you really felt, and add to it the love and care and honesty you gave and write about the love and care and honesty you didnt receive in return… now thats a letter worth writing!
Lastly, SHE HAS DONE NOTHING. NO CONTACT. NOTHING. THAT SHOULD CEMENT TO YOU PRETTY MUCH WHO SHE IS AND WHAT SHE WANTS WITH YOU. NOW YOU CAN LET HER BUILD YOU UP AND BEAT YOUR DOWN MORE OR YOU CAN TAKE THE HIGH ROAD AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE — and if she comes back — shes gonna have a new man to deal with and shes gonna have to show YOU a big change in her, and EARN your trust and respect. Do it right, get it right..you have a second chance….if she ever comes back its going to be on her own free will…you wouldnt want it any other way.. Luring her, convincing her, manipulating her, begging her all equates to a onesided relationship all over again. Let her go. She is bad news and years of grief…
Whats scary is you say your friend is alot like her…a possible S…and you are pining away for a possible S to share your life with you. You are in essence willing to live with an S as a partner for life… so you want a sad, lonely, deceitful, manipulative lifestyle cuz thats what you will get
???
Start today and make a new beginning without her so you WILL have a happy ending in your life!!!
Otherwise you are asking for never ending trouble with this girl. Look at all the great lengths you are going to …just to reach her… and for what? to be shit on again? Need a new plan man!!! This letter is not you. Reverse psychology or not…you get her back and then you are you again…and she is herself…and back to square one!!!! Or I guess you could opt to pretend to be the dumbarse, suckarse in the letter all your life in order to keep her in your life! Good Grief 🙂
Dear Joy,
My thoughts and prayers are with you…Did you hear anything back from CPS yet…you may have posted…but I havent been able to catch up…good luck with the attorney today and getting a continuance…its always worth a shot in certain circumstances to say I hear what you (authority) are saying and I will respect your final decision…but all I ask in return is that you hear me, speaking from a place of deep concern from experience with this child…as each situation is unique….and I ask you keep in mind the significance of her individual life and future living as a little girl and growing up as a young woman in the safest healthiest atmosphere for HER. Not for me, or her father or the court system…but for her…thank you for your consideration…etc… Just speak with acceptance of whatever has to be as well as with your deepest known truth/belief about what you feel is best for her…thats all we can do… ((hugs))
LTL…I can certainly find humor in what I am doing, dont worry about that 🙂
I just thought that if she has received letters from people in my shoes in the past they probably didn’t sound anything like this, they were probably more like the truth of what I feel. I thought if I gave her something different she might respond.
Also, maybe it is naive on my part, but I kind of gave it to her in the letter telling her I was done, and in the last letter I sent I asked for an apology and for her to tell me what happened. She knows she has no excuse for what happened that would validate her actions so she would probably not want to talk to me because she wouldnt be able to answer the questions that she knows I will ask. One of my nicknames is 20 questions because I am curious and she knows that so she knows it would be a handfull to talk to me. That is why I am willing to offer her a free pass saying things like it was my fault (even though it isn’t) and saying things like what ‘s in the past is in the past and I dont want to talk about it. IT would remove her fear of me questioning her to no end and I’m sure she doesnt want tanything to do with that.
I’ve also read that with all of the time thats past, with my reaction being very professional and not boethering her over and over that she might be starting to wonder about me. I’m sure my reaction is a lot more attractive then the stalking and begging of others in her past. I have created an heir of mystery about me and perhaps she is wondering about me agian. Perhaps she does regret what she did but is to proud to come back to me or is fearful of all of the questions I might ask.
That is what this letter is designed to do, leave the past in the past and tell her it was on me, that I must have pushed her to the point of NC somehow and I’m taking responsibilty for it. I thought that might make her be willing to come forward instead of being scared to. she knows she cant validate her actions and I’m telling her that I dont need her to…YET!
I want to talk to her, I want her to WANT to come back, to open the door for her so that I can be in control. I was advised by my freind to not ask for her back in the letter although I’m tempted to, he said dont mention memories or what I did for her because she knows and she doesnt want to talk about or relive the past. HE said to keep it about the present and about the furutre, but to not show my interest in her coming back because I need to make her desire something that she cant have. To make her feel challenged, to make her want to want it and not for me to just dump it in her lap for her to decide. Thats not attractive.
Yup, I’m looking for trouble alright but for some reason its not stopping me. I just wonder if she has second thoughts and she is afraid to come forward cuz of the questions, what my family and friends probably think of her because I’m sure she assumes that I told them (which I did but I tell her in the letter that they are disappointed it didnt work out for us so she wont sweat that).
I would relish the opportunity to be in the drivers seat, to be able to have her eating out of the palm of my hand. Even if she calls or writes and apologizes for her behavior and all I need to stay strong and not cave in and offer for her to come back.
I just want to say something in case she does have second thoughts and regrets but I dont want to sound needy or weak. Im trying to come from a place of strength, and since I dont have much right now I lie in the letter and say that I do by not asking her to come back when in reality that is what I want to say. I want to make it easy for her to come forward, that is what I want to do. IT is all a lie on my part, but I want her to feel like its easy to come forward, and I challenge her a bit by saying I understand she doesnt have to do anything and its easier to do nothing cuz she always talked about the less easy road being the road to take type thing. maybe that will light a little fire in her to come forward. I wouldnt be surprised if she missed me but like I said I read about the person in her shoes in this situation sometimes being too proud to cave in and come back, even of they want to. I dont know, I’m reaching, I’m searching for a way and I’m biding my time as I do it. The more time that passes the more likely for her to wonder about me and maybe miss me, and then if I come forward with somehting like this, maybe she’d like it enough to try to make it right but in a painless way of not having to answer questions about the past and only focus on the future. That’s my story, for better or for worse, that’s what I’m trying to do (and may I add desperatley)…she really did never show unhappiness or displeasure with me so there is really no reason if I open the door in this painless way, after all this time, that she might not be tempted to walk through it because if you are all right, then she remembers all I did for her and she remembers all of the good times and maybe that will be enough. I hope so