The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
That is what I’m trying to accomplish, just don’t know how to do it and thats why I keep posting different letters, different approaches and looking for feedback on how to get what I want.
In response to Rosa earlier, Is it the challenge or the girl. Without a doubt its both. my mom says she will come back and be that girl I know and I’m like “good”, I dont want this person back, I want that person back so good. I want her to want this and I’ve put in the work and the patience to get to this point so now it is about where to go from here if I’m not willing to let go until I say something…IF I SAY SOMETHING
LTL, you talk about rawness, honesty and openness on my end, well, here it is…I understand its not what everyone wants to hear but all I can speak on here is the truth and this is it.
I Know in my journey, I want all the folks that have not believed in me, fought for me, saw the good in me…..to know the outcome, to know they were wrong.
BUT….I have learned, through this journey….that it doesn’t matter….what matters is ME, MY KIDS…..our wellbeing, our future, our lives…..It doesn’t matter what others think about us, it, or any of it.
For me, that shows inner growth!
Yes, I still get the feeling of…..well, I could just place a call, write a letter etc….BUT I DON”T, because I know it doesnt’ matter.
The way I operate MY life……I am open to seeing when I am wrong, I appreciate knowing the end resutlts of situations where I could have ‘stood up’, ‘sat down’, said something different…..this is how I grow………learn about myself and my decision making (that I SO HAVE DOUBTED the past few years)……but, it’s up to me.
One current situation is I feel it would be ‘prudent’ for my former attorney to know just how wrong he was in his advice early on in my divorce. If I would have stayed and followed what I PAID for……I certainly would be figuring out how to file for bankruptcy right now. He was SO WRONG, because he wasn’t willing to fight for me and the kids.
BUT…I think the reality with him was……he just didn’t give a damn. It wasn’t his life….he had nothing to lose, he was getting the same check from me whether he fought hard or not. He was complacent…..I chose him, and I chose to not follow his advice and seek another attorney.
I don’t think it would matter to him if he knew the outcome or not……he’s still got other clients that pay him, regardless of their outcome.
To me, it would matter, because I want to do the best I can, with whatever I do.
The part of my journey that afffects this thought process…….living with a S……I LEARNED, SOME PEOPLE DO NOT THINK LIKE ME. …..not everyone wants the best, not everyone cares, not everyone gives it their all……this was a big lesson for me! I will take this into my future….
So…..I think about what I would say, maybe write it down…..but I find a certain satisfaction in knowing……they will never know and I will not tell them….it’s not my job!!!
Good Grief
Have you READ ANYTHING on LF? Have you read any of these post? Not just the responses to your questions, but the stories of what these toxic people do?
She hasn’t SPENT ONE MINUTE of her time thinking about how good you treated her, or anything else you did. She has no regrets. She does not think about the good times. She isn’t missing you….NONE OF IT.
She isn’t waiting for a phone call, letter or an email.
If you ARE reading here there is something you are missing BIG TIME.
Every single thing you wrote in the post at 11:43 describes her as a normal, average girl you dated. If you are talking about a normal average girl WHAT BROUGHT YOU HERE to begin with?
“I just want to say something in case she does have second thoughts and regrets”
“I just wonder if she has second thoughts”
“I wouldnt be surprised if she missed me but like I said I read about the person in her shoes in this situation sometimes being too proud to cave in and come back”
“more time that passes the more likely for her to wonder about me and maybe miss me”
YOU ARE NOT TAKING UP SPACE IN HER HEAD. Repeat that over and over.
Good Grief:
More revealing statements.
“I want her to want this and I’ve put in the work and the patience to get to this point so now it is about where to go from here if I’m not willing to let go until I say something…IF I SAY SOMETHING.”
You want to regain control of this situation. You lost it when she went No Contact on you. And you want that control back.
The thing about control is that YOU BOTH CANNOT BE IN CONTROL AT THE SAME TIME.
I remember in one of your posts you said that she was “feisty”. You said she grabbed your crotch once and said, “You are not going anywhere.”
A girl who does something like that wants to be in CONTROL.
So, which one of you will be in control if you should ever find your way back to this girl?
I honestly don’t see anything positive coming from this relationship.
You were raised the same way I was. If you work hard and put in the effort, you will be rewarded. But this rule does not apply to disfunctional relationships. That all goes out the window when dealing with a disordered individual.
That may be another reason why it is hard for you to move on. You don’t want all of your hard work to go to waste.
P.S. Be as raw and truthful as you want. Just do it here at LF. No where Else!!!
Dear GG,
Rawness, honesty and openness is where its at! its just a matter of being real and true about it too… that being said….
You have decided to hold on to the belief and run with that ….yep…theres a sliver of a chance she is just to “afraid” to come back because of god forbid having to face the reality of what she did…
Are we talking about the same chick here? The independent strong willed one who calls the shots? Who isnt afraid of much in life, especially going back to a guy who SHE KNOWS SHE CAN HAVE IN THE PALM OF HER HAND WITH ONE STEP BACK IN TIME TOWARD YOU? The misconsideration being made is BEING AFRAID TO COME BACK BECAUSE OF ALL THE HORRIBE THINGS DONE, WOULD BE SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE, I WOULD BE LIKE BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE FEELINGS AND COMPASSION AND EMPATHY AND FEEL BAD….she on the other hand could care less about others and the farthest thing from her mind is yikes…Im too afraid to come back for fear of questions and all ive done. Its more like, got what I wanted out of it… NEXT….
Yes be raw and honest and open….but be real and true about what the facts are…not the what ifs… I notice you rarely offer up the POSSIBILITY that she is who she is and the POSSIBILITY that she has moved on because thats what she does to people in her past and present…. What do you do with those scenarios? The things you are doing now? Or do you ACCEPT that at face value without having to twist your letter around and lie and be someone you arent…what kind of relationship is that???… should we say congratulations you got her back by not being yourself and by being lackie boy…just to get her to respond? Sorry but we are being raw and open here 🙂
So heres what you say…I want to talk to her…I want her back. Do you have a phone? Why not be mature and honest and real (or would she not want that of you? would that push her away to??? Call her.. Listen to her chose not to pick up….or pick up…listen to her say hi…or please dont call me…or like NMare said send her that text ….and then take it from there…no need to drive yourself crazy….you will receive from her who she is…and maybe even get sucked back in…and hey, ya never know…as we all never really did until we went back…but ya never really know if it was a one time deal and she has changed and will be a healthy sociofree honest faithful girl YOU DESERVE….
She didnt show unhappiness or displeasure with you until you spoke up for yourself or asked about that missing birthcontrol or asked about the cell phone or mentioned she didnt like your gifts or inquired why she didnt move in with you like she said she would etc… but for the most part you are right when you went along with everything she wanted and did she was happy and pleased….
And if she received letters from people in your shoes…. does this mean xboyfriends she deceived and discarded….?? I hope some of them had the courage to send her the truth about her and all she does and ways she treats the guys in her life who give them their all and then when shes had enough she disappears…I hope that letter has seriously gotten to her a time or two!!! Unfortunately it wont help. She is her own entity nothing you or anyone does will change her. SHE IS WHO SHE IS.
You said “I want her to want this”….wow can I relate. Big lesson I learned is I cant make someone want this or want me…That has to come from them, from within… simply by wanting and accepting me for who I am , flaws and weaknesses…. She doesnt want this or she would be in it. You may have to go through alot more heartache and pain until you accept and realize this is not the way to save a relationship or have a relationship. It has to come from truth and honesty and realness.
We dont design relationships…we form them and grow them from mutual love respect and desire.
And now look, you offering to be someone you arent to get her back and you want back the fake her not the real her…. wow this is taking on new heights. Seems to me you arent ready to let go or say something…so limbo is good…I understand its not what you want to hear but all I can speak is from experience and learning lessons… you have to do that too, go through it, but I hope we have all helped in some small way to add balance to your unhealthy yet creative thinking…weve all been in your shoes…devalued and discarded and determined to deny it or do whatever it takes to get it back to the beginning fantasy stage…
Joy- Are you out there? I just read your prior posts about your court date tuesday. I want to see how this is going and offer support. I was furious to read what this idiot is trying to do. A couple of questions- DO you have legal representation? Can YOU post pone the date yourself if not?(in order to obtain it OR to gather more amunition against him?)I would think so.
I was worried my x n/p would file bogus charges against me. I told the magistrate this, she said the courts recognise when someone is trying to “retaliate” via false accusations. I hope to GOd this is the case with you!Assuming he has no real proof, maybe judge will throw it out (?) HIS RECORD ALONE should speak VOLUMES. I am covering you in prayer and protection -Also for the courts EYES TO BE OPENED! XOXO
Goodgrief, I have a step-brother from my fathers 2nd marriage, he is four years older than you. When I was in the midst of my own personal mission to get him back, get it back, do whatever it took to show him nothing matters except I love him and want to make it work and will do anything phase…when I was making excuses for what really happened and got so desperate that I was willing to take the blame and question myself for “pushing him away” because I had some self-respect and self-worth and instinctively said “whats going on here?” and I questioned actions and behaviors or I noted he didnt even say thanks for a loan or a gift…etc…. when I was bargaining with myself about giving up so much of myself and whats right for me just to have him talk to me, and make me feel wanted and loved and remember how it once was and felt to be sexual with him….ALL OF IT…when i was desperate not to lose him and what I thought we had…I called my younger brother and in tears I said, what would you want a girl to do if you just cut her off??
He said I certainly wouldnt want her to be doing something someone told her to do. I would want her to respect my decision and get on with her life. If I had a change of heart nothing would stop me from getting in touch with her. I would want her to go on with her life. So I said what if SHE DID THIS TO YOU? WHAT WOULD YOU DO? He said, If I was really into her, I might pick up the phone and have a conversation with her about how I felt and leave it up to her. And if I didnt hear back from her, I would have to accept that not all things work out for me. Some relationships dont keep going.. They end. If I really wasnt that into her, Id be bummed, but Id accept it and go on, because Id want to leave the impression that I have my act together and that Im aware there are plenty of fish in the sea…if she ever missed me or wanted me…she would come back in time. They all do…But often Im in a better place with someone else Im way more into and learning and growing with …
He knew us both…he said he felt without a doubt that this was about him, he was immature, game playing, insecure…and if I could just accept this wasnt about me or anything I did, but it was about a guy who was in a different place in life and made different choices that I could possibly meet someone who was more of a healthy match for me…someone who was in a better place in life, who I didnt have to “show” “teach” “point out” right from wrong, good from bad, decent from deceiving…etc…. someone who wanted me and enjoyed me because they were actually able to and wanted to love themselves and others….consistently…not just for good times!
Joy- After going back reading more- Sorry- I didnt have ALL the info previous-
Im with you, this is the most BOGUS OBVIOUS B.S. case EVA!!!
Makes me sick you have had to spend even an ounce of energy or money on this.. You shouldnt even need atty. to get this vendetta off the record. From my experience ONLY-
I think your internet records should suffice-
the ” perponderance” of evidence is there to support it. Judge should throw it and him out, and give YOu the restraining order on the spot!!!===
Oh Goodgrief. I wont say too much as I think LTL,Rosa,EB and WE have pretty much said it, but hang in there mate! This is such a difficult phase you are going through and we have all been there to certain degrees:( I openend the door to the sp one last time because I missed him and I was kidding myself that I was strong and that I could handle a friendship. he came in and took extreme delight in ‘finishing me off’. I am Sooooooo very broken now. And I ALLOWED that last killing blow. I sought it.I know how terribly frustrated you must be. Stick with everyone here dearest.write as much as you like but dont send anything to her. Much love.xx