The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Good Grief:
For what it’s worth, I see real progress in you since you first posted here at LoveFraud, even though it may not seem that way to you.
What I see is that you are finally getting to the actual SOURCE OF YOUR PAIN.
You are acknowledging the fact that you “put a lot of work and patience” into this relationship, and you “rarely back away from a challenge.”
You also said that you want her to “want this as much as you do.”
These are characteristics that healthy, normal-functioning girls LOOK FOR in men.
If you would have put all of this work into a healthy-functioning girl, you would be engaged right now.
Cut your losses and move on.
You are wasting the best years of your life in this toxic situation.
GG- I understand your hurting here- but I had to take up the philosophy- If someone dosent want me- I DAMN sure dont want them!
( and reading between the lines counts- ACTIONS qualify MORE than words on what constitutes not wanting me)
I would be careful on correspondence-she could do as Joys x is trying to do to her- say you are Harassing her or any devious thing, then you are in a court battle proving your innocence. Males are particularly at risk to be set up.
I understand LTL
and witsend, yes I’ve read the stories and they are helpful as is eveyone here, I’m just riding the emotional rollercoaster and working through the process although I’m probably hindering my progress but I am what I am.
I just dont know if I do reach out to her if I should write what I posted today or of I should just be honest with her. I’d really like to say SOMETHING to know that I tried. I’m just not sure honesty is the best policy in this case because I cant tell her what she really did, how she really made me feel and how despite all that I’d be willing to consider being with her again. That doesn’t come across as strong. I’m searching and this is a human being in its rawest form. I’m 6′ 3″ and 200 lbs and this 5’7″ 110 lb vixen just squashed my former existence. I want to talk to her plain and simple.
I’ve seen her in action though, I’ve seen her ignore the calls and texts from the stalker. I’ve actually learned from him what not to do to get through to her. He had zero success. If it was that easy I’d pick up the phone and call her. Maybe she’d answer, but if not then I put myslef out there and if I then followed up with a letter or text after that then it is needy. I thought if I sent it I’d text her that day and then maybe trying calling a few weeks later and then that would be it.
I just dont think that she is enjoying hurting me, I think she is just indifferent to it. I dont htink if she came back it would be to pour salt on the wound but maybe I’m just naive.
What your brother said to you LTL is how I’m handling it, as far as she is concerned I have moved on with my life. Just figured it wouldnt hurt, now that the dust has settled and soem time has passed, to look back and reach out to her and say something. I just dont know what to say…lie, be honest, I’m not sure cuz I’m only gonna do it once if I do and I want it to be right and more than that effective. I’d like to talk to her but I’ve seen her ignore the stalker guy to no end, I cant play that game, I cant come across like I’m desperate to hear form her at all, I have to put up a front, a wall like she does. I’d just like to here FROM HER where she’s at with me. I know what her actions say, but I dont know anything concrete cuz I havent talked to her about it. LIke I always say, the last phone call was roses and even in her last email she said she missed me and made nice comments to me about my dog and losing weight so I have nothing to pin on her for being negative towards me. I know actions speak louder than words, but I’m holding on to hope I guess. Maybe there is none and maybe if she came back it would be a nightmare but all I want to do is talk to her, even if she tells me she doesnt want to be with me anymore it would be nice to hear it from her mouth where she’s at, what she thinks and why she feels that way. I realize it doesnt’ seem like too much to ask and maybe it isnt but I dont want to blow my one shot at contacting her by pushing her even further away.
This place is very helpful and you all get it. It isn’t fun. Constantly confused. constantly curious about what she’s thinking, if I ever cross her mind, if she misses me even a little bit like she wrote in her last email, if she values the good memories and has any desire to come back for more. These are just MY thoughts on a daily basis and I’d like to reach out to her in a way that would elicit a repsonse and a possible answer to those curiosities.
Whether it was real or not, she was my best friend for a year and she meant the world to me, I dont know if I should tell her things like that but that is what is really true…it meant a lot to me to be there for her when she needed me and I do feel bad that I pressured her into moving here so quickly. I need a time warp to either rewind a do things differently with her, or to fastforward out of the madness that she’s left me with.
and rosa, i have said that about my hard work going to waste. I dont want the last year to be for nothing because it was a special year for me and up until the madness, despite the one birth control incident that I have no concrete proof of, I considered it the best year of my life by far, so it’s easy to do the math in my head that if she came back then it would be that again. I told her that in the 1 year anniversary card I sent her and she said that she loved it. She said the card was so cute and all. I poured my heart into that thing and I told her I loved her more everyday. She never spoke to me again in person after that.
just saw your responses rosa and sabrina…thank you
dont see how it can be harrasment, I havent done anything but who knows…
I’m writing a lot today, probably best to keep my inner demons inside cuz this writing reveals my weaknesses and vulnerabilites.
It sucks to miss someone so much who sucks. She did a TERRIBLE thing to me and I miss her, it’s not right, I should be like “to hell with her” and maybe I will be soon, and sometimes I feel that way but most of the time I feel a way I shouldnt let myself feel which is sad and empty
man, I’m letting it all pour out today, probably taking a few steps backward but I DO know what I want
I mean, my girl of a year who I moved back west to be with and who wanted to marry me and who I took incredible care of and was supposed to move here to be with me just flat out STOPPED TALKING TO ME! so F*cking frustrating, so hard to just wipe my hands and walk away from. it is disgusting, she never told me why, never showed any unhappiness, just stopped talking to me. It has been since 3/9 since I talked to her and since 4/2 since she last emailed and she is still very much alive and well iin my head. I believed her and I swear I loved her to death, it’s hard to just shut off those emotions and it’s hard to believe that there isn’t SOMETHING inside of her for me and that syupid stupid belief is what keeps me hanging on to something that is a ghost, a phantom, isnt there…ugh
as you can see I wear my emotions on my sleeve
being what I just said to be true in my last post, why is it so wrong to want to simply talk to her?
do you guys see how this can eat a person up? and to top it off she kept saying she missed me and would call as soon as she could and then just never did and just stopped writing. nothing. she gave me absolutley nothing, no answers, nothing she just disappeared and I was counting on her and I’ve handled this so well on my exterior..I havent gone nuts trying to get a hold of her and I still have a LOT of feelings for her obviously. My friend the other day said he’d be in a mental institution if he were me. All I want is to talk to her THATS ALL, why is that SO much to ask and so strongly discouraged. I miss her, I miss her everyday when I go home and she is supposed to be there and I just want to talk to her and I’ve been so friggin patient and have plotted my time and tried to prepare the best way to do it and I have no confidence in any of them. I dont expect to get a response and it is ridiculous. Sorry, just venting, BIG TIME today. just feel empty cuz I miss her and frustrated cuz she is the devil. I never would have suspected anything if she hadnt gone NC on me. I swear its almost like she was with someone else while we were still together it makes me sick. I dont know that, but it creeps into my head sometimes and it is a disgusting display of humanity. We always got along, we had a ton of fun right up until the day I left her, I get it she may not have wanted to move here but she could have said something. she knows what she promised, she knows what I did for her, she knows all the good times, so how doesn’t that add up to us being together or at least me being able to call her up and talk to her? maybe I can I dont know but I’m scared to try
Good Grief:
Call her.
That is what you want. That is what you wanted from the get-go.
Call, text, e-mail, every hour on the hour until you get a response from this girl.
If that does not work, fly out to wherever she lives and confront her at her home.
If that does not work, go to her job and confront her there.
Keep going until you find this girl and get her to listen to what you have to say.
Then come back to LoveFraud, and let us know how that worked out for you.
Good Luck!
GG:
Nothing is wrong, it’s YOUR feelings.
She will ALWAYS be alive in your head…..that is normal, but you need to control how much space you allow her. You will get tired of it, and evolve into the next phase of grieving.
Have you looked up the phases of grieving….do a search….read about those, allow yourself to know that what your feeling is normal.
When you allow denial to prevail, that’s when the justifications present themselves…..and you rot in place. DO NOT ROT….continue the path.
I KNOW I DID IT FOR 30 YEARS my dear!!!
IT IS WHAT IT IS. to put it simply!
What you need to evaluate is your trying to control this situation, your having a hard time because you are not in control, not in charge of what she is choosing to do.
You can’t convince someone to love you….and love you the way you want to be loved. Whether or not she did these mean things or went away gracefully…….you would still have a hard time accepting the way she wanted it. NC with you.
We don’t always get to choose what others want.
You minimize these questions with words such as ‘Simply’, ‘I swear’…..you know the truth….you have stated it clearly.
It’s now YOU running from the reality of what it is, because it hurts so bad.
It’s all normal…..your feelings, your desperation, your sadness…..YO,U NEED TO EMBRACE THESE FEELINGS and stop the obsessing about the WHY’S…..and accept the reality that you WILL NEVER have the answers from her.
You saw her in action with another guy….you refer (probably came from her) as the stalker…..well guess what……you have taken over that role in her vocabulary to others…..she is refering to you as the stalker….you better believe it…..there probably is a looooonnngggg line of ”her stalkers’ out there.
DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN THIS POSITION. DO NOT DEVALUE YOURSELF!!!
You MUST concentrate on getting through each minute, moving forward…..and have faith that the pain fades, but you must go through it.
The more you obsess, the more you will stay stagnant.
Make a list of the goods and the bads…..but be honest….
GO look at yourself in the mirror…..and see if you like what you see while you are obsessing…..talk to the mirror….tell the mirror what you would like to tell her and take a good hard REAL look at yourself as you do this. I gaurentee you will not like what you see looking back at you.
Your looking for an easy way out from the pain…..there is none.
CRY, SCREAM, YELL…..let your emotions out…..she will not be the one who caretakes you during this process or ever. She has shown you this.
REmember…..
WORDS/ACTIONS/WORDS/ACTIONS/WORDS/ACTIONS…..
Do not go off words, they do not reflect the inner reality…..look at the ACTIONS that have been as real as the day!!!
NOW….get up from your computer and go look in the mirror….REALLY TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK, SEE GG, FEEL GG……and have a conversation with GG.
You will not feel this pain forever, I assure you. I feel for you, I know the heartache…..stay strong, stay true to yourself…..
XXOO
GG, I fell off the NC wagon after the sp contacted ME to say he missed me, that he was going blind, that no one understood him like me. IN REALITY he was PLAYING with me because… lord I dont know…he was bored? he hadnt quite killed my spirit completely?… I dunno. What happend in REAL terms was that he wanted me to know that he had a new girl, and he wanted to involve me in a pity play he is having with her, and to hurt me one more time for old times sake. Period. This repulsive woman is NOT trying to pull you back in (yet) why seek pain that YOU KNOW in your heart of hearts is inevitable if you have anything more to do with her.