The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
my S did something similar… he wouldn’t talk to me, would be obviously upset about something but get angry & snippy if i asked what, wouldn’t talk to me, would turn his back on me to watch tv, but would mutter under his breath whenever he walked by or left the room. whenever i asked him what he said, he said “i wasn’t talking to YOU, i was talking to myself!”
he talked to himself more than he would talk to me, and the more he knew it drove me nuts, the more he’d do it.
he did the “i love you” with an expectant tone & get mad if i didn’t say it back immediately, in the right tone. or if we were saying goodbye & i hadn’t said it, he’d say “well, i love you too” kinda sarcasticallly.
even remembering that kind of crap, i’m still having a really hard time right now–i feel all weepy. got pictures off my camera to show the lawyer the damage he left in my house, but there were older ones on there of us–some of the “good times” and i just feel really alone. it’s my 30th birthday (well, technically it’s not anymore) and none of my friends could hang out. i went to the bar by myself & drank a beer by myself on my birthday. i felt so pathetic. i feel so alone. i miss him even though he totally messed up my life & me and i don’t even know WHY!!! why would i miss HIM??? it makes me feel even more pathetic. like i’m addicted to being treated like crap. maybe i just feel like any acknowlegement of my existance–be it good or bad–is better than none.
GOD!!
am i doing the right thing?!? is he REALLY not capable of caring??? or is something wrong with ME? can he just not deal with me?? he’s not the first to claim that i’m so horrible to be around that something (alcohol, pot) some sort of inebriation is necessary to cope with being around me…
pictures & videos of him & our baby… he seems to love her… he seemed to love me a lot of times…
didn’t help that his mom called me & played the song he wrote me on the message…
i feel like i’m lost, drowning…
it’s like wanting a cigarette so bad, when you’re quitting because of your health…
Yes,ember halo, thats EXACTLY what it is! Its wanting to be acknowledged on your birthday (even if its bad!) because you weren’t acknowledged as a child or for that matter, your whole life,, and YES right again…its exactly like wanting an addiction when you know how bad it is for you…How do I know? Because I am EXACTLY the same.
Happy Birthday Ember!!!
Happy birthday Ember!
Think of this birthday as being the begining of a new life with out addicition and without pain.
Dear Ember,
You got the BEST BDpresent ever—RID OF HIM! There is nothing “wrong” with you, it is ALL WRONG WITH HIM.
Hold on to that thought! Repeat it like a mantra when you feel down. HE IS THE LIE. Happy BD!and a belated welcome to LF, this is a healing place. Stay around and go back and read the older archived articles. It will help you “get it” and to heal! God bless you!
Ember,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Ember Halo,
Happy Birthday to you! Cha Cha Cha!!
Just think you dont have to share your special day with someone who randomly wouldn’t talk to you, would turn his back on you to watch tv, but would mutter under his breath whenever he walked by or left the room. whenever you asked him what he said, he said “i wasn’t talking to YOU, i was talking to myself! And he damaged your house!
You raise a very good point Ember…. when we are alone and feeling lonely and sad – we forget when we were with them and yet feeling all alone and sad — and we choose to remember the “Way back when” times with them and get stuck right there in those memories — never really allowing ourselves to stick to the reality of the bad, unhealthy, dysfunctional times. Its normal for us to do that. But eventually we realize to be with them equates to way more bad, unhealthy dysfucnctional times.
Bad acknowledgment (negative attention) is something alot of us settled for…got use to…You will not settle for that CHIT ANYMORE. Even if there were no others left on earth – you can give yourself positive attention, and acknowledgment and build yourself up again. You are worthy of GOOD EVERYTHING! F HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! He wasnt consistent with goodness and love. He picked and chose when he wanted to be a MAN and when you could have “crumbs”…. He is the one that is horrible to be around – so what does he do – blames it on you!!!!!!!
May this year be ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!!!! You will get through this!!! Stay strong!
p.s. Ember…..
Can I just say one heck of a TOWANDA to you !
“i went to the bar by myself & drank a beer by myself on my birthday”
Now, I have to add as long as this doesnt become a habit…or too many drinks :)) But this is Towanda at its highest! Right now you viewed it as pathetic and lonely and awful because of the place you are in…but some day you will be able to view it as empowering, self-confidence and simply being able to enjoy the moment with the most special person to you in your life — YOURSELF.
This year, I, for the first time ever , went to a movie by myself (I LOVE YOU MAN)…. go see it…I actually was amazed by the portrayal of an honest , healthy relationshp (sprinkled throughout scenes of the movie) and the way the couple interacted….ANYWAY…I would have never gone by myself before…never even would have considered it…(why, Id have a big sign on my head…ALONE, PATHETIC, DUMPED….
NOPE. Its all in our head…what we want to think and believe …positive or negative….I went and got my popcorn w.out butter and didnt have to deal with anyone..and I had a sign on my ASS that said ” Independent, Strong, Self-Confident, Socio-Free, Happy and Free” – it was the best feeling taking myself to the movie and surviving and laughing and being ok with ME!!!
sabrina
I suppose that this is why we are all on this healing journey….Because when we find ourselves in these toxic relationships we don’t want to end up in another. I was a drunk magnet and always attracted alcoholics. My father was an alcoholic, so I guess I attracted what I knew best.
I think the most disturbing thing for me is that I tried so hard to not cross the line into addiction, even as a teenager, I “pretended” to drink my drinks (nursed them) when my friends were letting loose. I DIDN’T want to be like my father. Yet I married 2 alcoholics.
I have never had an intimate realationship without a man who didn’t have issues with alcohol. Even after my long healing journey I haven’t been in a relationship for a very loooooong time.
I do not know if I would recognize what a “healthy” drinking man would be. In other words there are alot of men that can have a couple of beers once in awile and not have issues. But I SEE a drink in hand and I’m like….Nope. I had a few dates many years ago after my husband died, with a recovering alcoholic. He had been in recovery many years. However he seemed to “replace” his drinking with work. He was working 24/7. Men with addictions scare me. Plain & Simple.
Raising a child that has disturbing personality traits/disorder has been the hardest journey of all for me though….BOTTOM LINE. It is heartbreaking to see this in your own child.
And after researching all of the information I have found on ASPD and reading the post on these sites it really scares the hell out of me that I might be seeing the early signs of what very well might be (someday) an adult version of the very evil/toxic people I am reading about today.
This weighs very heavy on my heart.
Dear Witsend,
((Hugs))
When I had children I met with a genetic counselor and begged her to be able to tell me that my children wont get the mental illness that my mom had (I was told these gene skip generations??)) No clue as to the truth in that one — if at all….But she told me there is no way to do that….the only thing I could do was provide them with the best stable healthy environment I could and basically pray…Im still praying as two of my three are beginning to enter the “red flag” years and have quite a way to go.
That being said…and this is really hard for me to say, because my Mom was disengaged/estraged from me and my sister for most of our childhood and adult years (living on streets, relationships with other unhealthy people, doing god knows what, when and where for a greater part of her life…but nonetheless living….the way her life was ultimately destined to be lived…simply because once all the efforts were made on her behalf she made the choice to live with mental illness (or perhaps just being mentally ill pre-destined her not to take meds)…anyway when she was diagnosed with cancer in her early 60s last year she went to my Aunts house…We had six glorious months with her…Hospice put her on Meds…I danced with my mom, I went to the beach with her, I took her to shopping…I stared at her beauty and her unusualness…her life was sooooooooooooo different than anyone of us could ever imagine…but it was hers. She died in my arms last August…my sister and I years ago came to an understanding that we would probably never know how she died or when or where…given her lifestyle. Fate, life, circumstances gave us 6 months with my mom that we otherwise would have NEVER had. Someone said to me, I feel so sorry for the life your mom had. I stood on that Altar and told our few family and friends who could be there my response….
Please dont feel sorry for my Mom. In some way she lived the life that most of us only dream of….she lived the way she wanted to or chose to…she told me she traveled the world (off balance/off kilter from our world)…she slept on beaches waking up to sunrises from movie scenes…shes been in places in life darker than anyone of us will ever know let alone would ever be able to survive…she made choices for herself based on her genetic.environmental make-up, it didnt include a life with her family and her children – but it was most definitly a life….lived…..her way. I dont excuse the responsiblity she sherked, the selfishness she exhibited, or the bad choices she made. But I accept them. We all are own human spirit and soul. How many of us can say we lived our life the way we wanted to… She was different. She was unique. She was mentally ill. She was my mother. Her life was her own.
Witsend, you do the best you can. None of us know whats to come with our children, family, friends. We cant control others. We can help them if they want to be helped (and in your case you can still use your parental rights, and also some heavy disciplinary action may have a positive affect him…one that scares the shit out of him and makes him realize there are consequences…etc…) but beyond that life just has a way of letting things unfold the way they are suppose to. He may meet someone who totally changes his life around, or he may turn out to have a disorder. You will be there for him as best as you can be on your life journey – never losing yourself along the way. Just doing the absolute best you can.
I hope this is received with the love and support and insight into living with mental illness and the may ways /choices we have to view it. I chose to embrace my moms life as different, with as many years of sadness as happiness in her life both of which she created and controlled was destined to herself.