The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Good Grief:
It really is not that hard to track someone down, if you REALLY want to talk to them.
Trust me, I know all about it.
I did it all of the time with my sociopath boyfriend. I did it over, and over, and over, and over.
I am the “Queen Diva” of tracking men down.
I will let you experience the outcome of these endeavors for yourself.
Rosa, I love how up front you always are, seriously, your posts make me smile…but you know I cant do that stuff nor do I want to. I just want to write her and I’d love to call her but I fear she wont answer and then what? I’ll try calling her once after the email.
just dont know what to say in the email…lie to get her to talk to me, or tell the truth which will probably scare her away and push her further away. tell her she sold out on me or tell her its OK and its all in the past. IDK!
Erin, I really dont htink I’m a stalker to her cuz I havent done anything. I sent her an email essentially breaking up with her on 4/15 and one more short email on 4/27 just asking for closure and an explanation. I told her it didnt have to be this way if she wanted to stay out there but it was fun while it lasted. THATS IT…the other guy called her and texted her constantly and even drove cross country to confront her and they hadnt been in a relationship since the 8th grade and she hadnt seen him in years.
That sucks blueskies, mayeb she would destroy me like that, maybe she would just toy with me I dont know. I like to htink that she didnt enjoy doing to me what she did but maybe, I have NO iDEA cuz I havent talked to her in over 2 months.
if I drove out to michigan to confront her I couldnt see that ending in any kind of a positive way, I would THEN be considered a stalker and that isnt something I’m prepared to do. I want to give her a chance in an adult fashion to talk to me and if she still refuses then I have to let it go, I cant make her talk t ome whether its there or online
You know what is weird and alarming….I just can’t relate to this feeling….I have so let go….I have so moved on….I so do not pine for the S, he just disgusts me, maybe because I had years of detox prior to leaving…..years of observation, years of realizations….that i connected with!
I got another call this am….
The S has gone down the list, calling anyone and everyone, far and wide…..the feedback is….he’s not taking this divorce well.
OH, YA THINK????
Strangely, out of punishment HE FILED FOR DIVORCE. This was a control and punishment of me. I was still not ‘free’ of my health issues , so he thought he would ‘take me down’ and get me while I was vulnerable. Not so….I pulled it out and did what I had to do.
Yes, he lost his possesions….we are like his lost wallet…..he is pissed HE LOST us.
It was all by his OWN DOINGS!!!!
I don’t know why they are all surprised….
Even as they become first hand witnesses to his current behaviors.
But he keeps telling people….’THAT”S MY GIRL”. That will always be MY GIRL.
Yikes….okay….let’s rephrase that….
Erin, was my wife.
Erin is my former wife.
Erin is my Ex wife.
Okay LF’ers….do you see the possesionary statements here….(he thinks of me) as I’m a ‘THAT’!
Not shocked….
GG…..do you want to be a “THAT”?
I remember when I was about 15 years old….he would say to me….(HELLO… MAJOR RED FLAG HERE)….”I WILL NEVER BREAK UP WITH YOU, I WILL JUST MAKE YOU HATE ME BAD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BREAK UP WITH ME”.
Knowing what I know now…..this was him setting the stage for his own ‘claims to be a victim’……Ironic, that a million years and a lifetime later…..this is how it ended.
With me hating him and him playing the victim. He was always cozy being the victim, the wronged one…..he liked this place.
NOT ME…….I’m not the emotional invalid.
I know where she lives and all, I just cant bare to have her like freak out or something if I showed up there. instead of simply talking to me she’d probably do something stupid. I dont know, she claims to be all tough, she claims to take the tough road and not the easy road but she took the easy road on this one. I told her in that letter she took the cowards way out. And if I did that it would ruin me for the future with her and with anyone else that knew about it. It is a desperate move, I live 14 hours away, it would look HOORIBLE, especially since I wouldnt be the 1st one to do it and she knows I know that. I’d never get what I want, I’m not driving out there un-announced. I thought about telling her I was coming, threatening her that I’d come there if she wouldnt talk to me but that is stupid. I seem willing to stoop to her level, but I’m not going that low, and it would pain me to see her again in that context. IT would be a bad idea, trust me, I’ve thought it thru, but it would be a bad idea I know that for sure.
I havent tried to call her since we were “officially” still together, well, I did once but I blocked my # but she wouldnt know it was me
everyone gets real frustrated with me, they tell me to just let it go like whatever its no big deal. To me it is a big deal. they dont understand but you all do and I’m so thankful for that cuz I cant even talk to them anymore
GG:
“I’d love to call her but I fear she wont answer and then what?”
And then she continues her smear campagne….he’s a stalker.
I didn’t say you were a stalker….but GETIT….any person that she ends it with (and most likely in the same abandon fashion) she labels a ‘stalker’…..it get’s her attention…..it get’s her new supply….Hey, look you have all sorts of opinions on the last guy…..let me ask you…did you know him? DId you talk to him? Probably not…..she probably painted the portrayal for you of him…..and you bought into it….We all do….
I have heard so many times from men about their psycho ex’s…..I am sure some are…..but I am not buying into all the psycho stories from men…..what constitues psycho in these cases? They have differing opinions, the man cheated and she reacted……you see…how people set you up? Like I tell my kids….anyone can SAY anything about you……the problem that perpetuates it, is if we all buy into it from someone elses perspective. See for yourself.
I was called mentally Ill…..I NEVER did any calling, appearances, letters I was just accused of faking major illenesses to be portrayed by him as mentally ill…..and the sickest thing was ……some people bought it! Here I was going through cancer treatments ALONE….while people close to me thought I was ‘mentally ill’ and disappeared. All his portrayal….and we can’t defend ourselves…it’s just not worth the time. In the end, this is where our character speaks for us….this is why it’s important to keep yourself in check…..one fool move and your the ‘mentally ill’ one, the stalker, the psycho….etc….. SEE IT?
She is giving you her reply by her actions….who gives a shit what you want her to say…..that’s for you……another fantasy…
If you want her, go get her…..as Rosa said…..if you think your the .1% that can ‘make it work’ and willing to do it at any costs, if you think your in control, if you want to continue to hand her the daggers and lay down your heart…….you will need to see that for yourself…..I will caution you though……you think your in pain now? You ain’t seen nothing yet…..
Go, give up your dignity, your self esteem, your assets, your life……go seek her out, find her, call her, email her…..see where it get’s you!
You already know how it will turn out…..
Then maybe you can convince her that if you ‘just have a baby’ it will make it all better!
Take your blinders off, you already have the decoder glasses!
I would minimize my pain dude!
Dear Good Grief
You said the words : She never spoke to me again after that.
That SPEAKS volumes!!!!!
Unless she was abducted by green people from outer space, there is NO EXCUSE for that. (and she WASN’T)
The archive we are blogging under….The silent (but deadly) treatment. Read it again. This silent treatment is MANIPULATION and it is working on you. You are excusing/minimizing every behavior. FORGET WHAT she SAID. Look at what SHE DID. Look at her behavior. That is what counts.
You need to get some help. Don’t wait for this to eat you alive. You are obsessing to the max…..She is WORSE than a drug for you because if she was a street drug you would have already gone out and got a “fix”.
Don’t allow her to do this to you! Get HELP.
Dear Good Grief,
What is it you fear here? That if you call she ignores you? or that if you write she ignores you? Do you fear that for a particular reason? Do you feel instinctively that she will ignore you no matter what you do….so if you are going to do something it better be the most creative reversed psychological move evr??? When we have to go to desperate measures just to reach out to someone or worse just because we fear there will be no response…then we seriously need to revisit whats going on here and what the goals or objectives are.
In one sentence you say whats wrong with calling her? And in another you say you fear she wont pick up…And in one sentence you say you just want to write one final letter..and then you say but you fear you dont know what to write in it to MAKE HER respond…
So lets break it down objectively….
Call or Email…. I say buck up and go for the call…less mess…less ammo for her to smear you with and less obsessing for you. And hows this, if she hangs up on you and you still want to send off a last letter, you can do that…but if she doesnt answer or hangs up on you…maybe you will see the light…or maybe get more upset and THE REALITY…but we will be here for you…we’ve been there and done this…
Fear… at some point you are going to have to face the possibility that your worse fears are true…shes an S….shes selfish….her words were not her truth…shes moved on…she doesnt really care….how do you face these potential fears? Deal with them head on. Gear up for placing a simple call, sending a text, or writing a letter.
Goal – To express yourself honestly, as my brother said he would. Or to try to use a catchy phrase/style to lure her back… this one is also up to you. I dont get the reason to lie to her/trick her (sounds like you are taking the exact route she took with you…) but a guys gotta do what a guys gotta do too….
Lastly, when you shared that you wrote her lots of your true feelings already in the anniversary card (was this the same anniversary that she deleted your “Happy anniversary” note on her myspace (RED FLAG BTW)…but anyway… if it was and after your poured your heart out and SHE NEVER SPOKE TO YOU AGAIN….that might mean she doesnt feel the same way about you…or she got in way over her head again with her antics and lies and luring ways….and had to say something to get off the phone with you (thanks…it was soo sweet…call you soon…) GONE.
What stood out for Witsend, jumped off the screen to me too…. its not rocket science…its just a hard blow to the heart and mind and soul that someone can be so cold/cruel/selfish.
she knows what she promised, — Just words to her… everything to us
she knows what I did for her — You were willing to in her mind — we gave our all in our mind
she knows all the good times, — Hell yeah…the more the merrier, with you, and Joe and Tom, and maybe even another go round with the stalker if he shows up on his best behavior…
so how doesn’t that add up to us being together – you were together in a one-sided relationship.. Her way or the highway…and together until she deemed it necessary to devalue and discard..
or at least me being able to call her up and talk to her? Whats stoppinng you..besides LF folks sharing their war stories and lessons learned…but whats stopping you other than that? Anybody can call her..why arent you ? and talk to her about how you feel?
maybe I can I dont know but I’m scared to try… why are scared to try? Because of the truth or the potential reality and having to face it? The choices are she says its over or come back…
We know this…what we also know is beyond this point…if you go back…you will be back to LF…and we will either eat crow or make sure you are eating and taking care of yourself from scratch all over again…
Raw, open, honest…sry….
Witsend…I did seek help while we were still talking…I could feel that something wasn’t right because she wasn’t caling everyday and although she would say she missed me an loved me it wasnt what I had come to be accustmed to, she wasn’t sweet and all, just normal and she would get stand-offish when I would mention visiting one way or the other because she had this stupid court date hanging over her head…I knew it wasn’t right and the counselor sugar coated it for me, he would remind me that she wouldn’t do what I felt she was doing once the emails started and I could see right thru them. He would say he believed what she wrote and I DIDN’T…I could have cut this all off at the pass if I had followed my instincts. I wrote her letters while we were still together but while she was only emailing because her phone was in her car which was in the shop blah blah blah. I knew it didn’t add up and I called her out in very loving ways but because he didn’t buy that she was lying I didn’t send them and I played her game and that got me to where I am now, without really ever expressing myself to her because I was led to believe by someone that I thought knew about psyche and all to believe her. and then later I found out on my own that I think she is an S, he never suggested it once so that was the end of that. HE hurt me alot more than he helped me. The last time I saw him was a few weeks ago. And I wonder, how is it manipulation if she still isn’t talking to me. First don’t they have to have a reason to try to manipulate you like they are mad at you or somehting? And second, she still hasn’t contacted me so did her manipulation work? I guess it did because it forced me against every fiber of my being to send her an email telling her I was done with her and all her BS and I really called her out.
LTL…the anniversary card was when we were still together. It was the one year. Here was the email I recieved from her the day before our 1 year anniversary. I had talked to her about 3 days before and everything was fine but it was the last time…
Hey baby,
I left my phone in my car that’s been in the shop since Wednesday, plus my mom’s network has not been working at her house so I wasn’t able to email you either….. I literally walked with my laptop to a coffee place blocks away so I could send you this…..It’s been a bad week……I haven’t been able to do anything for our anniversary so I’m apologizing in advance….
My car’s transmission is nonexistent and they are waiting for certain parts to come in…..My car died on me while I was driving it on Tuesday……I think I’m ready to go 🙂 I love you, I hope you’re doing well and having a better week than I am…..
If you get this, I’ll probably be here for another 30-45 minutes or so if you want to write me back…..
Love,
——-
here is my response 5 days later (I waited 5 days!!)
Hey stranger…haven’t talked to you in awhile. sup woman! 🙂 Well, I hope you liked the gifts and the card I sent you for our anniversary, thought I would have heard something from you about all that by now. Network still down??? Excited that you think you’re ready to go!!! I can’t wait to be w/ my girl again… give me a call on your mom’s phone or something if you don’t have yours back yet or shoot me an email when you get this so we can catch up. Hope your having a better week than last…love ya
P.S. by the way phish announced a 4 night run at RED ROCKS!
————
And here is the email she sent me one week later, the day after I wrote to her and after she got my card and the 2 great gifts I sent her but she never mentioned the gifts…
Hey sexy,
Sorry it’s been so long, I had to take another walk to the coffee shop….this is getting old….I’d call you from my mom’s phone if she was ever here…..she’s going to be gone all weekend so I’ll try on Monday…..Thanks so much for the nice card, it was so cute! I love our FERs 🙂 My car needs a new differential and radiator…they haven’t even started it b/c of my warranty company….. Have you been watching the bball tournament?? MI kicked ass last night, GO BLUE!!! Phish at Red Rocks ah? Hmmmmmmmm…. How’s work? How are you?
Miss you sooooooooooooo much!
Love,
——
so as you can see, I pretty much thought everything was cool but I was a little suspicious about her scenerios with the car and internet and the phone and that BS but I was giving her the benefit of the doubt. I got 2 more emails over the next 2 weeks and then that was it. F it, I’ll put them both up here. this was 5 days after the last one.
Hey there,
My mom and her phone have been absent since Friday, she never seems to slow down….
Yes, I’m bored but getting crap done as usual..
I’m getting my car and phone back either tomorrow or Saturday at the latest…..at least that’s what the card dude says…
I have internet now though so maybe we can connect that way????
Sounds like you’re busy getting shit done, GO YOU!!!!
I miss your voice…..
Love,
——–
I responded with this
Hey lover…
I haven’t talked to you now in 3 weeks…is everything OK? When am I going to hear that sexy voice again? Did you get your phone and your car back yet? Just wanted to write and say hi and to see what you’ve been up to…where have you been all my life???? I really miss my best buddy…te queiro mi amor 🙂
by the way, I lost 10 more pounds! No more muffin top, maybe a donut hole top now… (my dog) says Hi…it’s her birthday tomorrow…
—–
4 days later I got this and this was it, last one, no more contact from her since, it was on 4/2.
Hey,
I still don’t have my car back and my mom and her phone have not been here for weeks!!! Her and (her step-dad) aren’t getting along and so she hasn’t been very present….I hopefully get my car back tonight, we’lll see….congrats on the losing 10 pounds, you must be skinny 🙂 Hope you and (my dog) had a great b-day celebration, I remember making her her first steak last year…..Miss you, hope things are going……I’ll call as soon as I can….
Love,
—
you can tell the mood really dropped off throughout the course of the emails but still always upbeat and just enough to keep me hanging on…maybe this paints a better picture for you, maybe not I dont know…her telling me she was ready to go really put me on cloud 9, she hadn’t mentioned anything like that up until that point and I was so so excited. It hurt to read that again but whatever…such a mindf*ck, major
Anyway, back to the matter at hand, thanks for your response by the way, I am always so appreciative when you break things down, it helps…the reason I dont want to call is for fear she wouldn’t answer and then I would have put myself out there and she’d know that. my plan is this, to send her an email. (By the way what do you mean by a catchy/phrase style to lure her back????) anyway, send her an email, send her a text that day possibly saying something like check your email, not mad at you, miss you be cool to hear from ya…or something like that. Then maybe a week or 2 later, after she’s had some time to think about it, maybe I’d give her 1 call and then thats it, no more. I wont do anymore besides that and I’m not even sure i’ll do that because sometimes I catch myself facing the reality that she enacted this whole plan and never wavered, she never felt bad enough to pick up the phone and call me to say anything, good or bad, and that was over the course of a month, so what makes me think that now, a month and a half after she last wrote me that she’ll all of a sudden have a heart or want to talk to me or know me. thanks everyone, sorrry to ramble, sometimes more than others I feel like I’m jumping out of my own skin with frustration. I did play golf this afternoon so that was good
these emails, althogh they are only words, give me that shred of a sliver of hope. I waited 13 days with no call to tell her I was done, the day after the whole 13 month incident when she took it off her facebook page…but as you can see there is nothing negative at all, there is just nothing since then at all, leading to my confusion and shred of hope that maybe I can get through to her and maybe she will prove herself to be worthy or god help me show some freaking regret or remorse. but if that doesn’t happen I will have to accept that she is what she is