The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
keep in mind, maybe it was because she just didnt care, maybe it was because she wanted to F*ck with me, but I removed her as my facebook friend with the letter saying I’m done which you have read in the past if you remember. but she kept my sister and my friend and pictures of me and my pets up on her page and she HAD edited her photos, but left those up. about 2 weeks later I told my sister to remove her and up until that time the pics were still up. Then the next day she removed my friend before I could get a hold of him to tell him to remove her. I dont know if she kept them on as her friends, especially my sister in some hopes of coming back or not wanting them to know if I hadn’t already told them.
When I had my sister delete her she must have realized that I had let the cat out of the bag and she may have thought it was a done deal at that point and removed my friend the next day. I don’t know, I’m reaching here, but it’s possible. anything is with this nutjob…maybe over analyzing, maybe it was fun for her, but she loved my sister for sure…but all I ever say is maybe this, maybe that like I have to think for her cuz I dont know anything
maybe I should just offer to be friends. say its all water under the bridge and I dont want to be with her anymore but I’d like t be friends. maybe that would work, sorry, maybe a dumb idea, just thinking out loud so to speak
Learned, thanks again for more beautiful words to take to court.
Sabrina, I’m here tonight but gone once I post to chill, collect myself, and get some sleep. I could not find an attorney on such short notice to represent me, but I did get advice from one. I have a good case for clearing my name. He was actually surprised the restraining order was even issued. It was done by a judge known to buy every sad story that comes his way. Basically had I gone to him and said I heard a strong wind blowing And I feared my ex was the big bad wolf trying to blow my house down, I could have gotten on one him. No proof needed with this judge. Irony, same judge signed an ex parte for my first ex husband who falsely claimed that I had threatened to kidnap the kids during a time when I was having a house built because everyone pays money to build a house when they are skipping town right? Again just words no proof for this judge to cost me 10 grand to win custody of my kids. I can’t go unrepresented as the ex 2, has already gotten friends to put their job in jeopardy to spin a lie for him about me once before that backfired. Now they want revenge. The ex just wants to keep prying eyes away and to isolate his daughter from all who care so he gains total control. Maybe to molest her. Maybe just to punish me by denying me access to her. But punish her as well for reaching out to me. I spoke to him the 12th he confessed to no feelings for me, my children, his daughter, or his new girlfriend. Doesn’t care about anyone or how they feel or what they want. It is all about him. His fun. His property. His control. He confessed it all. Doesn’t care what people think it does not matter. Wow! So glad he cleared that up. No doubts anymore. Asking for a continuation of the case to have time for legal counsel. Told I need a lawyer to keep it to facts and without motion. With these creeps they strum our emotional chords to the tune of making us look crazy and unstable. They have no fear nothing to lose either way so will be calm cool collected and appear the saner. Were my nursing license not on the line. I could gamble it. But my life and my ability to support my family hang in the balance. I must have an attorney. So I go and ask for more time. With the right judge and the right lawyer, there is a good chance that CPS will be court order to at least speak with the child by the judge. This came from the attorney I spoke with today who doesn’t do domestic law but knows the system. I ask for prayers tomorrow. For personal strength to not let him see me sweat.
Good Grief, You are hardheaded like the rest of us. Make your call, make it soon. Seriously, let it play out. Stop wondering. I don’t know the whole back story but if it went from wonderful to NC maybe she had an accident, suffered a head injury, who knows. Why your fear of rejection? Your letter just the one recently posted I thought your heart is out there man. You sound weak, needy. To a normal person it would touch a heart. These people if she is an SP have no heart to touch. We are food for them. Does it really matter if the burger comes from Mickey D’s or Burger King? Not really. What ever is closest or has the best price. She may one day crave your special sauce again, but only to devour you. Move on! I heard it over and over and didn’t listen and look what it got me, a bogus charge. The irony. Since my boyfriend with the boat I really had moved on until the child came out of nowhere and sought my contact. Then sucked in again. This piece of chit is spoiling the bliss I had found with another. But my guy has not bailed and it is a good test of my new relationship to find out what this new guy is made of and how he responds to me when I have a fear or need and I’m not all smiles and fun. So far, He has been a rock. I will post here tomorrow maybe late as I work 2nd shift and would like to go in at the end of the court day. But promise at least a line as to how it went on this blog.
GoodGrief:
I am trying to give you Tough Love.
And it is working!
I thought you were all ready to contact this girl.
I thought you were just waiting for approval from someone here at LF, and you would be on that phone dialing, or on that computer typing.
And now, we give you the green light, and you are showing FEAR and APPREHENSION!!
You are making even more progress than I originally thought!!!
I am proud of you Good Grief!
P.S. You called her a “nutjob” in your above post. Just thought I would point that out.
thanks rosa, you always make me laugh
joy…i guess you mean the letter I posted today and not 2 days ago, def. not trying to sound needy, youd probably think the one a few days ago would be real needy then. I’m not sending that one, sat on it a few days and decided didnt like it anymore
Good Grief,
Please appease me here….please explain this more…more clarity :
“I could have cut this all off at the pass if I had followed my instincts. I wrote her letters while we were still together but while she was only emailing because her phone was in her car which was in the shop blah blah blah. I knew it didn’t add up and I called her out in very loving ways but because he didn’t buy that she was lying I didn’t send them and I played her game and that got me to where I am now, without really ever expressing myself to her because I was led to believe by someone that I thought knew about psyche and all to believe her.
What does this means in terms of what you would have done differently at that point? Do you mean you would have called her out on it? Do you mean you would have addressed the change of behaviour? the lengthy time between contact? The HILARIOUS RIDICULOUS UNBELIEVABLE “Mom gone MIA for days and weeks with her phone… Does this mean you would have said this is so messed up??? And if so, how would that changed the outcome…where you are today…which you say you are here cuz you opted to believe her words… need more clarity with this…as to what you would have done different and where you think you would be today if you did something different….. thx
thanks LTL,
yes, I actually wrote a great letter about 2 weeks into the emailing phase playfully calling her out, brushing on how I was feeling and all. When my sister read it back then she said I hit the nail right on the head. my counselr said it was a great letter but led me to belive that she was being authentic. so yes, I would have called her out on all of those things but it wasn’t something that woud have put her on the defensive. It was funny and friendly but to the point and I wish I had sent it.
anyway, I wonder if I had done that which was written after the 2nd email when things seemed real good by the way she was talking to me and asking about me and all. I wonder if it would have mattered, like maybe she just would have gone NC on me then instead of dragging it out another couple of weeks so that would have been nice, or maybe she was still fond enough of me then to respond to what I would have said.
I very well may have ended up here anyway in the same position but a few weeks sooner. But I would have expressed my confusion weeks before I did and maybe I would have gotten a response, maybe not. Yeah, the moms phone thing was out of this world. She is a terrible liar, she should have been more creative or somehting, it was so transparent. Fact is, she probably had her phone in her hand the whole time. I wont know if her car even ever broke down in the 1st place LOL
I wonder LTL, if I had called her out she would have come forward and either made it right or ended it properly. At that time frame, I had no idea I was dealing with an S and was overwhelmed with the feeling of betrayal that was unfolding and complete bewilderment that anyone could be the way she was being. then I learned about an S and it made sense as sad as it was but it did give me answers.
And GG…
GLAD YOU PLAYED GOLF THIS AFTERNOON!
In my honest opinion, there doesnt have to be something negative to occur for the realization that a relationship has changed, slowly ended, or is over.
Goodgrief, Her emails are SHADY. LIKE S-SHADY…. from the amount of time between them…the absence of phone calls and acknowledging the gifts and if you poured your heart out and all she said was “thx card was cute” and into her car issues… all of it SHADY…
Is there anything that will make you CONSIDER doing nothing…anything that will make you accept that she just pulled away, changed her mind, wasnt head over heals into the relationship when push came to shove and decided that was the best way to go…Is there anyway to get you to a place of acceptance or at least let WAY MORE TIME PASS to see more clearly, have clarity about the simple fact there was nothing negative so thats even more evidence that she just wanted it to end and she did it this way… can you just assume it until you are given any other reason to believe otherwise. Can you grow and learn from self-discipline, acceptance of WHAT IS…not the WHAT IFS….
The emails give me the opposite of a shred of sliver of hope…they scream trying to pull away and end without a BIG TO DO… youre actually lucky she even took the time to wean you in a way….most of them just do the kick to the curb or vanishing act..
I understand your pain…But Im so wanting you to find your inner strength and sense of peace FOR YOURSELF…not to show her youre superman strong and can be mature and disciplined with your emotions…I would like you to keep going forward with your life, accepting exactly what happened. IF you ever hear from her why cant you say…you said you would call me when you can…so I respected your words and left it at that. You never called so I moved on…I have a life too…etc…
Sounds like you are preparing to follow thru with the letter tho, and then a text same day…and then a call a few weeks later!!! Triple threat there!! IF you have to do something …could you consider just a neutral text/feeler text…You still alive and well? Hope so…let me know…thx…
IF you get nothing.. voila. If you get something…take it from there.
Im really worried these letters WILL come back to haunt you…between the cards and gifts and letters and myspace she could chose to go all stalker on you…even tho you arent…the letter might put her over the edge and the only way she could get you to stay away is take the stalker approach…with her potential new guy…Like she did with you…
If you cant get through this at face value for WHAT IS, WHAT OCCURED…Consider a neutral approach. A text. Simple. Short. Sweet….
how much time are you taling about LTL? weeks, months?
yes, I am considering doing nothing for that amount of time. It makes me VERY paranoid when you all say she might badmouth me as a stalker cuz it couldnt be further from the truth. I have done nothing but good and positive and reliable things for her and it would be mind boggling, after what she did and how she did it and the mature reaction I’ve had externally towards her for her to do that. BUT KEEP In mind the thigns that I said in that “Im done” letter. I stuck it to her pretty good and really called her out for being what she is. Not sure if you remember but I called her out on this being her plan all along based on what her couisin said to me, I called her cold, cruel deceitful heartless and benedict arnold and I thanked her for showing me that side of her. I told her I was very disappointed that this hapened cuz I thought we were great together, I said she forced my hand and left me no choice, I told her I was moving on and that she f*cked up and ruined a great thing amongst a bunch of other stuff if you recall.
I’m sure she knows that if she told me she didnt want to be with me on the phone or something that I wouldnt have taken it well at all and I would have been surprised by it based on all of her promises. IT makes me real sad to hear you say that her emails scream to you that she is trying to withdraw, even tho I sense it too, its more real coming from an outsider. I just wish I could understand why she would do that in the first place unless she knew it a long time ago but still kept up the facade until she got back home.
I like your idea about the text, definitely consider that. Your right, I cant over pursue, triple threat is unnecessary. not good idea. I do fear that by me apologzing to her it would give her verbal proof that I think I was wrong and she could use that against me vs. if I said something like you sold out on me and f’d me over and stuff which she couldnt show anyone cuz it would make her look abyssmal.
Im glad I got your feedback on the emails, thank you. it makes me sad, but its real and its right there in black and white. just confused as to why she would tell me she was ready to go…i referred to that in the i’m done letter i sent her as the low blow and it was WAY below the belt. Just unnecessary, uncalled for, ungrateful and downright mean
GG…Im still reading…but yes…far end of weeks, months…
and thanks for adding another description/definition to all of our xtoxes…
MIND BOGGLING sums it up….ok back to ya in a bit…still reading…but gotta say I fell off my chair when I saw
“yes, i am considering doing nothing for that amount of time” thats a TOWANDO statement (its a LF guy thing)…you go GG!!!!