The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Learned, Can I have an AMEN! Right on girl! That’s it so well put. You Rock! Had a last minute attorney stand up when my name was called and tell the judge she had just been approached for counsel and that we were meeting this week. Picture this, A long line of abused women marched into the court room on the front two rows led by a domestic abuse counselor/officer of the court. And there among these poor women my big strapping ex all 6ft of him. Such a joke. And all suited up in his Sunday best. Choir boy look. Then when an attorney stood up when my name was called he flinched. And when she called him into the hall. He walked by and looked scared/perplexed. Attorney asked him to sign a continuance so we wouldn’t have to wait all day told him we would get one anyway. So he signed. Then she called me out to sign. Then we went before the judge. Me with her at my side him all alone. Told the order stands until court on June 9th. I was told by her to sit down and allow him to leave the court room first. He walked by and a more pissed off look you can not imagine. Priceless. Little Joy didn’t roll over, break down, and die. Big bad Joy got up, stayed up, and is fighting back with counsel to dig up his dirt and have him revealed for the piece of crap he is. TOWANDA! Love you all for your support. You have no idea how it felt to in my heart to feel the verizon/our horizon network behind me, beside me, encircling me in their embrace of love and understanding. AMEN! AMEN! AMEN! And a last TOWANDA!
Your right ltl… Fact is her phone reception was terrible and it really was. I never called except for the one night a week after I got back and I had food poisoning and I called her a lot just looking for some comfort. She never answered and I aplogized for calling do much and explained and she was cool, we talked for weeks after that. But I never called her, I even told her once that I gave up trying cuz she never answered cuz of reception or whatever and I said I just wait to here from her so I never called prior to her emails. I did feel like I was walking on eggshells when I talked to her because yeah, I didn’t want to lose her or piss her off and discourGe her from moving here. She said once that she knew if she wanted to be with me she had to move here. She absolutly kept me hanging on with those catch phrases in her emails.
I don’t know what to think but I agree that the best thing to do is wait awhile although it’s alreSy been awhile. Maybe I’ll just email her and tell her I’m not mad at her and I understand why she wanted to avoid the drama of telling me straight out cuz I ackowledge that I would have argued with her about it and if this time apart has changed anything for her than I’m here to listen but leaving the past in the past. Maybe I’ll write that email so I’ll have a couple to choose from and consider sending down the line a bit…trust me, u all know I’ll post it here, but that’s the last one I’ll write. I’ll have a few choices of shat I want to say and I’ll let them sit for awhile and then decide whether or not to send it later…good idea?
Good Grief,
You keep saying that it isn’t fair. (what she is doing)
The facts are pretty clear. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET WHAT YOU WANT HERE!!! That is a fact. Fair or not, this girl presented the red flags that you chose to ignore.
All the DRAMA, the phone, the car, the mother being gone, the lack of communication & having to walk to the coffee shop. DUDE it was her choice. If she wanted to communicate with you she would have hung out at the coffee shop from opening to close.
The drama = RED FLAGS.
HER CHOICE is to not communicate.
YOUR CHOICE = Stay in this obsession without any acceptance.
If you never ACCEPT the fact of the reality of the situation you will stay in this obsession mode.
The “I” said “she” said in “reliving” your relationship (in your mind) can go on FOREVER. The “I” DID, “she” DID reliving of your relationship (in your mind) can go on forever. And you can write pages and pages of every single thing that you remember that happened. None of it matters. What matters is
TODAY…THE HERE & NOW.
The HERE and NOW is what you need to FOCUS on. and there here and now is what you keep FIGHTING.
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. What you want is an illusion. The girl that is REAL in this illusion has chosen NOT to communicate with you. THAT IS REAL.
What she SAID and what she DID are 2 entirely different things. You need to look at what she DID and accept that as reality. Not what she SAID.
ACCEPTANCE of what is REAL (not what you WANT to be REAL, but rather what it really is) is the first step.
You have GOT to take that first step. Get out of the past and into TODAY.
Well said kathleen, thank u so much for ur thoughtful response, it means a lot, I know she thinks I’m mad at her and I might just tell her I’m not and I’m not concerned with the past just so the door Is open to her in a comfortable manner
Joy! A JOYOUS TOWANDA FOR YOU!!!!!! The description was PERFECTO…felt like you walked in riding FAT…and walked out riding HAIRY… all the while we were all in the courtroom waving RED FLAGS when he broached the judges bench…and GREEN FLAGS when you broached the bench!! The LF Network sure was there with you in SPIRIT! Congrats on the continuation…lots of work ahead of you…but one huge victory for you…for believing in yourself and what you want to try to accomplish!!! Really happy for you!!!! ((hugs)) ((Smiles)) ((JOY))
When Kathleen Hawk writes…its like being wrapped up in a warm blanket and sipping hot chocolate and listening to the most soothing music and floating to a better place… if ever there was such a thing as a reader connecting to a writer…count me in…really has the neatest way with words, advice, support, understanding, and comforting to the point of clarity and healing and hope….love whenever a Kathleen Hawk post appears!!!!!
Good Grief,
Yes thats a good idea. But I would stay away from “not mad at you” or “i understand”…maybe more like things like…
Hope this finds you well. Time apart from the confusion and chaos has been good for both of us. I accept your choices – especially the one you made not to continue…hopefully you accept my choices …especially the ones I made to try to honor my commitment to our relationship.
Could this have all been handled more maturely and responsibly by both of us? I suppose so. But the fact is we got through it each our ways, with our own personal reactions choices…
Decided to write this to you because thats my choice. Hope this finds you well and healthy and making good choices for yourself and the people in your life!
-GoodGrief…
ps. Google Sociopath !
(ok…just my sense of humor Goodgrief….dont put that ps!!)
Good grief,
I just read your last post. You’re getting closer. But why don’t you just tell her the truth?
Part of it was that you were trying to protect her feelings and you didn’t want to pressure her. But part of it also is the fact that you feel blindsided and you’re having trouble making peace with this. And that you miss her and wish it hadn’t come out this way. And that you care about her, care that she’s okay, and respect whatever decision she makes for herself. But that you feel like it would be easier for you if you understood what happened.
This always leaves the question of whether she can answer honestly. Not because she’s a liar (we don’t know that), but because she is unable to speak frankly for one reason or another. Maybe she’s afraid of your anger. Maybe she’s got secrets she can’t share. Who knows?
But if you’re that honest with her, it might give her something to work with. And it also might make you more aware of whether you’re really getting back what you’re asking for. Which is an explanation at least.
Through all these letters, there has been a consistent bit of weirdness, which is you trying to control or manipulate her feelings or ideas for one reason or another. You know you can’t do that, don’t you? Anymore than she can control what you really feel. You’re upset, hurt, angry, confused. You may do your best to hide it, but she’s going to know. The more honest you are about this, the more of a “real” person you seem to be.
She’s got her own problems. And you have no idea what they are right now. But you’ll learn a lot more and maybe make peace with yourself, if not each other, if you get some real facts about what was and is going on with her.
She has the choice of telling you nothing. Of not responding, or telling you something that is clearly not the whole truth. And if that’s what you get back, then you know something really important. And that’s the difficult fact that you never really knew her. Not all of her. She withheld something from you, and she’s continuing to withhold it. And that is really all you need to know. There is a fundamental dishonesty between the two of you.
If she tells the truth — tells you how she really felt, tells you what was going on for her in the circumstances of her life — then you have something to work with. You’ll also know if there’s an opening. Or whether you want there to be one. Because she may just be too messed up for you to deal with. Much as you might want to help her through it. People who are really messed up are not ready for grown-up relationships where people trust and rely on each other. You may still love her, but it doesn’t change the fact that any relationship with her would be lopsided because she can’t hold up her end.
If you’re even thinking about taking her back — which you seem to be — you should also be thinking about what needs to change between you. No more secrets that affect how you relate to one another. No more disappearing without warning or explanations. You’re going to have to deal with the fact that this is part of her behavior pattern. And she’s going to have to deal with the fact that it’s too painful for you to deal with her fading away without explanations.
You keep worrying about how she thinks and feels. But at some point, you have to look at what this is costing you. If she did come back, you don’t want to go through this again. And the cure for that is both of you becoming more direct and honest about how you feel about what’s going on, not just between you, but in your larger lives, because that affects the relationship too.
To me, the most important issue in all of this is that there is a lack of directness between you two. You miss her and want her back, and if not that, you want to know what happened. That’s your truth. Her truth is … we don’t know. We can look at her actions, but we don’t know why she switched from “yes” to not even a “no,” but a disappearance.
The one other thing that you can say, since it’s clearly part of your truth, is that you want to know badly enough to just listen without arguing with her or trying to defend yourself. Later, if she’s willing to discuss it, you can do that. But right now, you just want to understand. And if she doesn’t want to discuss it, you’ll respect that.
This may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life, letting her explain, if she’ll do that. But I suspect it’s the only chance you have of learning the truth. Not just about her, but about what happened to you in this relationship.
That truth may not be what you expect. From what I’ve read about how she talks about her life, it sounds pretty reactive and disorganized at times. She also doesn’t seem to have a lot of understanding of other people’s feelings. Maybe, I’m not sure. She might have emotional issues that keep her from being able to make commitments or feel secure in a relationship.
If you just listen, and don’t argue, it will be easier for you to grasp what’s really going on with her. And then think about it. Think whether you really want to take this on.
You cannot fix her. None of us can fix another person. They have to fix themselves. Everything we do for them, no matter how good and generous we are, gets interpreted by them through the lens of their own “stuff.” We can’t make them see what we see, or get them to think in the same language we do. If we’re really persuasive, we may talk them into something temporarily, but ultimately it’s all going to be translated into their internal language.
That is why actions speak louder than words. People promise to change, or do one thing or another. But ultimately what they do shows what’s really going on with them. And if this woman is afraid of you or commitment, or if she was using you, or if there are other things in her life that are more important than you, you can’t change her.
But if you can convince her talk about herself, and you don’t interfere or argue, you may get some hints (even “between the lines”) of what is really going and what really happened.
And if she won’t talk, won’t respond, then you have another sort of answer. You didn’t really know her. A hard, hard, hard answer, but true. You knew part of her, but a crucial part was hidden. And that part made all the difference.
Opening the door to her is also opening the door to that part. And you might want to think carefully about this, before you start volunteering for more.
JOY:
I am so proud of you! Don’t lay down your self esteem and future security for ANYONE!!!
I am so glad you feel empowered!
Remember the Ante will be upped now, and he will scramble to make you out to be a monster.
Gather all you can, keep gathering and documenting….and show up on the 9th ready for a battle that he’s not counting on from you!
He might just drop this now he knows your serious.
GO GIRL!!!
Thanks, LTL, for the kind words.
I don’t know if this woman is a sociopath. Or if she’s one of those “might as well be” people, because they can’t carry their side of a relationship, because their emotions or their lives are so complicated that they can’t repay what they need to get from other people.
A situation that I can relate to, as well as I can relate to Good Grief’s efforts to say the right thing.
Unfortunately the “right thing” is one of those magical-thinking things, unless they’ve told us what they need to hear. Otherwise, we’re doing rain dances and hoping.
And then, of course, if she’s a sociopath, the right thing is “I’ll do anything” and then we’re in deep doo doo. But that doesn’t seem to be the case here, at least not at this point.
Oops, I should be working.
Namaste.