The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Good Grief,
You said it all in your response above to Matt. Your WORDS for not hiring a PI………
“NOT GONNA DO THAT CUZ I DON’T WANT TO KNOW”
ALL of your choices so far in how you have decided to deal with this girl have indicated that you are in complete denial.
If you stay in denial you will stay in this obsession.
1.) You refuse to see the RED FLAGS.
2.) You refuse to see that she had IN FACT broken up with you twice. (that WE know of) Once by telling “her people” and the second time by the silent treatment with you, CURRENTLY still in effect.
3.) You refuse to see her shady behavior and make excuses for it.
4.) You refuse to actually do something pro-active like hiring a PI to come up with some concrete proof.
5.) You refuse to see that you yourself have become manipulative as far as composing this “perfect letter” to send.
If you can’t “see” what IS HAPPENING behind your back then you DO need the CONCRETE PROOF.
People are trying to throw you a “life raft” and you are CHOOSING to go under the water time and time again.
Rejection HURTS, Rejection SUCKS, but it is real and you will never be able to heal from it if you CHOOSE to ignore that it is over.
Good Grief,
Im off to pilates…hope you get out and hit some golf balls off the course and into the next state today! Take a timeout, take a walk, a hike, a bike, hit the gym, FIND YOURSELF AGAIN… you were someone before her….you were your at your best while you were with her…. so you know what you are capable of (it wasnt her that made you at your best — it was you who did that, your choices, to give, to love, to care) — she was on the receiving end…but good grief you are still you! you can come out of this ON TOP — finding your sense of self respect and self worth coupled with the ability to love — someone out there is that grounded too and when you meet her — this girl you were recently with will be an embarrassment of your past — but a lesson learned, at a YOUNG AGE!!! – THANK GOODNESS – and a lifetime ahead of you to find more happiness with good decent likeminded women!!!! hang in there!!! Life gets sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better! You will want to thank her one day!!!!!!! For the broken road that led you to the love of your life or even just a better life for GOOD GRIEF!!! Toxic Free! ((HUGS))
What’s the deal with the PI thing? Legal? Cost? How much time do they put in? What if she found out?
My friend last nite said that I get it but I don’t want to get it…I’m just determined for a last college try plain and simple…while playing golf yesterday I found myself thinking that she is disordered and that’s why this happened and reminded myself that she made these choices on her own and I didn’t make her do that. She chose to send the email to that guy, she chose to lie to me etc…
I just want to say SOMETHING to see if anything has changed with her now that we haven’t spoken I’d seen each other in so long, just to see if she might miss me even tho everyone says she doesn’t, that’s all
I agree with your friend. It really is true — sometimes the longest journey is the 18 inches between your head and your heart.
Private Investigators charge by the hour — what they charge depends on your locale. Trailing someone and taking pictures is legal. How much time they put in is up to you. If she finds out — you already know what she’s about, so I can imagine if you are already persona-non-grata with her it will finish things off.
The reason I suggest you hire a PI is that something tells me that unless you catch her in the act, you’re not going to believe that she has moved on. What I learned in my case is that if I had to hire a PI to trail him, I obviously didn’t trust him. And among the many things necessary to make a relationship work — trust, communication, love, honesty, respect — if trust isn’t there, the relationship is doomed.
I recieved a call from the new “at risk” counscelor at the school today. She was in “practice” before getting involved with the school system.
She said in her practice she had worked with suicide survivors before. And she believes my son has PTSD.
Her job at the school is to take the kids at risk with failing grades and try to turn that around and find what motivates them. And she isn’t even focusing on his grades at this point.
Just trying to get him to open up.
I am in limbo over here. Trying to keep my head above water.
The court petition I filed is not going to go in front of the judge for incorrigibility. Instead it is in the hands of the man who runs the program Parenting With Love and Limit. I was told that in order to participate in this program that I needed to be interviewed by the pros. attorney office, go in front of the judge, and that my son had to take a Maizey (something like that?) test. Has anyone heard of this test?
Now I am being told something different…So I am pretty perplexed.
Waiting……
Good Grief
You know yourself better than anyone. If you can’t to see what has happened here, and you need more “CLARITY” in this situation than a PI is the answer.
For some of us just the thought of having to hire a PI is enough to realize there are some serious issues and thats ENOUGH to be an eye opener. For some of us we need to see it right in front of our eyes.
CONCRETE EVIDENCE. Can’t wish it away, can’t excuse it away, can’t turn away from it. IT IS WHAT IT IS.
It is exactly what you need. Evidence. The evidence that you already have isn’t enough for you and you have plenty. So CONCRETE is the way to go.
GG..
“I just want to say SOMETHING to see if anything has changed with her now that we haven’t spoken or seen each other in so long, just to see if she might miss me even tho everyone says she doesn’t, that’s all”
If anything had changed for her she would contact you. Period. The end.
Even when you were seeing her and speaking to her — things werent changed — you were just doing damage control — maintenance — holding on. She was pulling away…keeping up possibilities and relationships with others…
She surely misses the influx of your money, your attention, your offer for good times…but she doesnt miss YOU – youre true intentions and the man you are in terms of “wanting her by your side and commiting to you as a girlfriend, lover, wife…etc….” she just wants her cake and to eat it too….and you ARE REAL…you want goodness and healthiness and functional relationshp… She offers you dysfunctional relationship.
Speak up if thats what you want ….go reach out to her for more dysfunctional crazymaking stuff….
But I need to tell you this….
THEY DONT CHANGE. So why time has gone by the only thing that has changed for her is you arent asking her for basics a call/an email/a visit. She rather likes that CHANGE, or you would have heard from her.
In time might you hear from her again…6 mths…8mths.. a year…. absolutely…esp if she is in a bind or needs your help or a favor or….but one thing I feel you must know…
nothing will have changed…they dont change unless they want to. you can make her or enlighten her to do so.
She can plead with you to take her back cuz she was wrong baby and made a mistake baby and things will be better this time baby and please forgive me baby you know I love you baby, your my husband now baby blah blah blah words words words to get back in the door…only to slam it in your face harder next time… because they dont change…they morph to fit the situation…even with family and exstalkers and guys who want pictures of her cooking and girls only parties and car mechanics who prob dont even exist or if they do not for 4 plus weeks with her phone she cant retrieve….she just morphed into that too!
But guess what baby… what you see the first time around is what you get everytime after… You dont see it yet .. So you dont get it yet… But u will. I trust that you will. Because if I could see it, get it, do it, anyone can!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Grief Charlie Brown – Rejection – it sucks – makes us sad and feel alone and worth less than we want to feel. We thought we had found it..but little by little,lie by lie we start doubting them, they convince us we are wrong and we want to believe them because we want out of that dark abyss, that feeling of desperation, so we hang on hoping all will be ok. Then begins the loss of our identity we start giving more and getting less, that is when we are out of control and the person who says they love us gains control. I would give anything if I could go back to that first red flag, that first uneasy feeling where chills go down your spine and your gut instinct is talking to us but we dont want to listen. If I had listened and ran like hell I wouldnt be three years fucked up and feeling twenty years older. There are still days that I could just burst into tears, but I dont, I cried for him, missed him, ached for him, but not once did I ask him to come back, he is evil and not worth the pain I feel, recovering from this is more than I ever imagined, more than anyone understands, I dont even understand, I can say I am functional again, I am not in that horrible confused state. I just need something to make me feel alive again…
I think what makes it so hard to get away and move on,
That damn LOVE BOMB we get blasted with. The incredible attention and affection is umm blah can’t even think of a word for it. It’s like a fantasy can’t even compare to the amazingness (if thats a word) of it all. Like Ive read here somewhere, started with that something aint right feeling. Was a year and a half of that intensity then poof. I never lived with her ,thank god.
henry:
Beautifully put.
I’m with you — I need something to make me feel alive again.
I spent the day with this perfectly nice guy — the sex is fantastic — unlike S he thinks I am thunder in the sack. We had lunch. We had dinner. We went out for a drink. Problem is, there just isn’t enough there to keep me interested. And unlike S, I can’t string somebody along indefinitely.
But, I never want to take a walk into the abyss like I took with S. I would never ask him to come back.