The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
ps. Witsend..It IS heartbreaking, and we do what we can for our children/family/friends/people who seem to be struggling and losing direction. We do the best we can. Focus on the here and now. Today. One day at a time. I, too, stand to face a mental illness in one of my three childrens future… It shakes me to my core…but I will do the best I can and be the best I can.
And I have no doubt that you are and will continue to. Hang in there!! We are all here for you. You are not alone! xoox
learnthelesson
What you said at the alter for your mom was heart wrenching. It shows what kind of WONDERFUL person you are. Instead of being angry and resentful, you were able to step into your mothers shoes, (to understand her) and in doing so healed in a way many can not understand. You did your parents proud….Wow…I am awed & humbled……I really am.
There is SOMETHING about a loved one passing when you are in the “moment” with them. My mother was in hospice when she passed and her nurse told me it was going to be very soon and I climbed into her bed and spooned with her. I “felt” the moment she let go. It was a very spiritual moment…..And it allowed me TO LET her go.
As a parent I took on full responsibility knowing that raising children has alot of bittersweet moments. In essence our “job” is to raise them to the best of our ability, HOPEFULLY teach them right from wrong and give them the tools they will need to “make it” in the real world. The whole process is to LOVE them & then be able to LET THEM GO. this generation of kids seem to be living at home longer than my generation, likely because of college cost etc. However there comes a time, when you need to let them GO. Even If you have to give them a gentle nudge. (not for your sake but for their sake) Many of my friends still have their mid twenties kids still at home. They are reluctant to let them go….to give them the gentle nudge.
When my oldest reached a certain age, it was time for him to go. Once they reach a certain age you can’t extend the curfews and have the same rules as before. HOWEVER because they are in the house their are courtesy rules. Especially when there are younger kids in the house…..There came a time when I thought my oldest needed the nudge….HARD thing to do. In only about a year, after leaving home, I had seen many changes in him, he had matured into the young man he is today so much better than if he was still living at home. HE is ready to get married!
If he went from my house to “their” house he wouldn’t have “polished” those edges…..He isn’t replacing a “mother” with a “wife”. He learned to pick up after himself. He learned to wash dishes, and be responsible for 100s of little things.
Sure he did his own laundry when he lived here and could “heat up” a meal I LEFT in the fridge…..But lets face it when our adult children live at home we still DO things for them. Only in “letting him go” was he able to blossom into what he is today. Many of my friends are still struggling with the letting go of their adult children….They have prepared them…They need to go the next step.
This process isn’t going to be the same, with my younger son.
I already know that.
When it comes to my younger son I am just barely in the stage of acceptance…I am angry at a system that seems to be failing him. But I am also aware that the anger I feel is also somewhat directed at myself because deep down I feel somehow that I failed him to. I need to get passed the anger as it eats up to much of my energy. I’m trying to do that.
I am his mother….And ultimately I see the road ahead with alot of heartache. His sense of entitlement, his consistent lying, manipulation, passing blame, lack of reality, depression, anger, even the way he interacts with his peers,
ALL OF IT….If he isn’t helped now (IF THAT is even possible) he will not have a an easy time in this world.
I have to look at what is happening here and BE REAL. All the closed doors within the system. Lack of support from the school with early intervention with him WHEN this FIRST became a problem. Lack of treatment options. This all means something. I have been reaching out and saying…..Help!!! I can’t deal with this alone. PLEASE SOMEONE take on part of this with me.
What I have learned so far during this experience is that it is always thrown back into my hands….Ultimately it is MY problem.
Maybe this process has been so hard to teach me that the road ahead will hold more obstacles and I need the preperation to deal with that.
Maybe the only option (court order) that seems available, to me right now is THE ONLY one because it is the right one? I AM confussed right now and need to defog my own brain before making a choice of that magnitude.
I am still struggling with if that is the right choice. And because it is a HUGE choice with obvious consequences, I am ok that it is a struggle for me to make it.
AEYLAH – HENRY….
The coming home late – dear Lord!!! He would be 2 or 3 or MORE hours late and yes I would be mad – so he turned it on me and made me the bad one because I was mad – and looking back it worked because I was the one to go and apologize. say I was sorry because he worked so hard and I was being mean when he did come home. He would always say ” Well I am here now!!!” – so basically – get over it.
He wasn’t working – and still made us wait for dinner till 8 to 9:00.
Meaning he wasn’t working because he was involved in affairs and I believe found any number of reasons not to be home.
He tell the children it was because he couldn’t stand to be with me – but he missed their childhood and now will miss the rest. I would never be out of the house and miss out on my kids because of a husband or anyone else.!!!
I will not allow any more co-parenting time than iIhave to by law.
He tries to justify everything he says and does – D-15 has his number but it is still hard for her – and my son -10 -he is susceptible to the spin and lack of accountability.
Steve, thank you so much for this extremely insightful, helpful, and articulate post. Both of my parents were masters of the silent treatment, and yes, it was always implied that they treated me this way because I’d done something wrong (all the time, evidently) and that it was my fault that they treated me this way. And it can seem so . . . nothing, so easy to use as gaslighting – you get upset because you’re being ignored and invalidated and they’re all, what’s your problem? We’re not doing a thing! It’s YOU.
Totally crazy-making! As a teenager, I alternated between desperately wanting their approval and rebelling. Sad to say, as I got older, my rebellion waned and I was more apt to be manipulated. But I have to tell you, everyone on this site has give me so much insight and tools to use in my life. Day before yesterday, a peripheral colleague sent me the most hostile, contemptuous, insulting email imaginable. I cc’d his e-mail with my response to everyone involved in this project and told him our relationship was over. Ironically, I was in a position to give him the one thing he desperately wants and probably the ONLY person to give him any encouragement in this field where he’s a wannabe; and he treats me like this. In the past, I might have tried to placate this jerk. But now, I realize the power of NC (interestingly, with the major SP in my life, I came to that strategy on my own intuitively, before I knew what he was and had found this site – but mainly because being in his presence made me so anxious made me physically ill).
All of you: Your insight, wisdom, and generosity in sharing your experiences and insights, and your generous support of fellow travelers here warms my heart every time I come here. Happy Belated Birthday, Ember Halo! I agree with LTL, what you did is a true Towanda moment. Witsend, I am so sorry about your child. I can imagine what worry this must cause you. I think LTL has some good advice there, too. Good Grief, welcome and deepest sympathies. I’ve been following some of your story and am so glad you found this place. You’ll find the strength and tactics here you need to reclaim your heart so that you can offer it to someone who appreciates you, as Rosa said. I’m sorry for the suffering that we have all been through and am so glad we have this safe place to tell our stories and express our fears and frustrations and recover our selves and our power. You guys are the best.
Witsend,
You made me smile…thinking back to that day…my sister is an R.N….and in the final stages took on the care and comfort (along with hospice) of mom in her home. I have no medical background whatsoever, and in fact, my sister was adamant I not be alone with my Mom when we got near the end because she didnt think (and frankly I didnt think) I could handle it. It was on the weekend and Hospice didnt deliver enough Morphine…we were scrambling on the phone (as you can relate)…finally got a Doctor to presribe (what a fiasco)…my sister (who it turns out would not have been the one to be able to handle witnessing my moms passing AND my mother must have known it!)…my mom was resting peacefully (or as best as she had been in days) my sister flew out the door to the Pharmacy…I turned on the C.D. Collection of songs a neighbor had just brought over…All of a sudden my mom became agitated, sat up, out of sorts, breathing erratically, I thought,…what do I do? what would my sister do? All she had been doing way laying beside her to comfort her…I went over and climbed into the bed and put her in my arms…I called my sister and said say goodbye over the phone you arent going to make it… she did and then my mom took her last breath of her life, and I layed there listening to Amazing Grace playing on the C.D. She once was lost by now was found and I thanked god for her safe journey…
A moment embedded in my spirit and soul forever…thank you for taking me back there with your comment about laying in bed and that there is SOMETHING about being in the moment with them. I RELATE LIKE YOU CANT BELEIVE.
And I know none of this relates to life with a Sociopath or Psychopath or Narcissist…my mom had BiPoloar Schitzo-Affective Disorder (if I got that right)… without medication…she was a shell of herself…or someone she got through life with. And by the way – she lived a very stressfree life in many ways…and by all accounts she should have said I had an awful, messed up crazy life…but the beauty is that she was in her own world and and lived in this world in her own reality not mine or others…
That being said…I understand where you are and that you just need a place to vent…and sometimes just have us listen. And you welcome suggestions and ideas with such openness…
I encourage you not to feed into your fears – especially the fears that you “failed” him…. we are all our own human spirit and souls…I dont believe “failing someone” is even an option. We can possibly be able to “fail” ourselves…And maybe we may not have always been or always be able to “mother” to the best of our abilities, but we “nurture, and care and guide and protect to the best of our abilities.
You have a long road ahead of you, one that will be filled with twists and turns and the expected as well as THE UNEXPECTED…one you will have some control and one when the universe says this is out of your control…
You recognize where you are with this…and I thank you so much for sharing all that you do. I encourage you when faced with adversity and confusion to trust yourself and to find the most positive creative attitude you can. It makes the journey that much more manageable. It really does.
Struggling with this choice, means you have not failed your son, it means you love him and want to do the absolute best for him. It is a HUGE choice and you are taking the time to figure out what is best for him. No matter what happens down the road….Thats a successful mother if I ever I was to describe one!
thanks everyone!
i didn’t even think of going by myself as something “strong” or “independent” at all until you all pointed that out–i just knew i felt uncomfortable & it wasn’t something i would normally do. but then, i haven’t really been “allowed” to do ANYTHING by myself for a few years now (not even shower!) so i’m so conditioned to not be by myself that i hardly know how to anymore! so, thanks. now that i have that perspective i do feel differently about that…
and thanks, learnthelesson– i HAD forgotten how many times i felt the same loneliness & sadness when i was sitting right next to my S–how it was so emotionally painful that it was physically uncomfortable to lay in bed next to him–i couldn’t sleep next to him because i couldn’t relax…
anyhow, thanks everyone 🙂
no one quite understands like all of you do
Okay…just when we think the S has gone as low as they can go……new revelations come to light!
I have to share this with you all.
I got a new offer from the S…..if you can call it that.
The S……through the attorney wrote a letter offering to give up all rights to the kids. Legal, visitation and contact. In exchange for 100K and a few trinkets in the home!
For the first minute I read the letter, sitting in front of my attorney, I had to look outside and around at my surroundings to make certain I was not in India or Asia where selling children was a underground practice. (not right, but done).
OMG!!! If this wasn’t my life…..it would be humerous!
Are you kidding me? You are asking me for an exchange of money in lieu of your parental rights?
What the heck is the S attorney thinking…..he actually put that down on paper a week before the hearing? BUT PUT IN IN DOCUMENTATION???
But, considering the source, I do know NOT to be shocked! But the S’s just get so, up, up, up….there is just no end. I truely can’t imagine what the next offer would be.
This is truely a circus and a game show for him. I know, I know…..don’t be shocked!
So, a few days before court…..HE makes himself out to look like this, after crying victim, poor me, I want my kids.
Oh how this is so clear to me, all the lessons I have learned on this site, with Donna and all of your stories. The possession effect!
I can see the scenario in his attorney’s office….he is yelling, passionate about his victim role….oh my my….high drama,,,,, sticking to the same story, repeating himself adnaseaum….over and over and over……telling his attorney “this is what I want you to do”. His attorney so captured by this man and how upset he is, as any man would be, (not knowing the truth), and I have to go the distance….. He has people so frazzled around him, they end up doing things that , if well thought out, they would NEVER do normally. And he writes this letter.
All I can hope is that he is getting paid really good, because the S will make him look like an idiot too!
There were 2 prior that had walked in his shoes and got out.
Oh yeah, the offer was preceded with “My client dearly loves his children and yearns for the close relationship they once had” HOWEVER, My client is willing to concede…….then the offer.
Key word, HOWEVER!
This is a classic example of the possessions they view us as. Simply, chattle.
Oh, how I shredded that letter, I can’t risk the kids finding it and reading it to see just how much their father thinks they are worth in trade for cash! How destructive would that be to them.
The S, also left a message last week stating his usual ‘read off a card’ statements, and then ended it with “and I love you, you are my most favorite THING in the whole world.”
I have always said…..LISTEN TO THE WORDS!
No Kidding!!!
Please keep us in your prayers this week! It may all end legally next week! It’s looking good, but rule # 17 is….Don’t get too cocky! So I am trying to keep my feet on the ground, so if it doesn’t go the way it’s looking…..there will not be too far to fall.
Oh yeah….the older kids want to talk to the judge…..No problem. They will have the chance next week! I think this will be a great idea. They will be heard! Finally for them. It may not help the case for him when his kids expose WHY they want nothing to do with the father. They are both VERY vocal about their feelings….
Please,…..send me good MOJO, I would love to have a huge victory for all of us!!!!
OMG…To Everyone…TODAY is the day! I am in tears but they are GOOD tears.
I got a call , I think it is the one I have been praying for!!!! This incorrigibility thing I have been talking about. Besides for the probation officer , my county also has this program that is incorporated called parenting with love and limit. The director of that program called me….It sounds so PROMISING. I do have to file the papers with the courts and then there will be this program that is offered. They actually come to your HOME and have therapy sessions as well as classes that both parent and child participate.
It sounds like just the hands on support that I has been so elusive to me up until now.
He even said that if I can’t get him to the first class that I should come anyways and then he will come to the house and help me convince my son to go! OMG this man is like an angel from heaven 🙂
Thank You ALL for listening to me for these last few weeks….I know I was pretty desperate….
I can’t wait to actually feel like we might be on a healing path….For both my son and myself.
WOW….An OPEN DOOR. I’m walkin in.
You guys are the best!
Erin B
If you think about it he REALLY has exposed himself by making that offer. The relationship with his children should not be for sale at any price.
His attorney should be scratching his head, wondering what the heck is wrong with this guy….Although I am sure that attorneys deal with drama all the time in divorce court. And I would guess they would become somewhat numb to it.
I do think though that it still SPELLS OUT….
Money = Kids = Possesions. And the money and the possesions EVEN in DIVORCE court shouldn’t be written on the same line as the kids.
Keep your feet on the ground, be prepared, pray for the best but expect things might not go exactly as planned. ESPECIALLY since you know to “consider” the source.
I think it is great that your kids will get to speak, because what might be lost on paper, what they have to say might speak volumes to the judge.
And in my own experience in divorce court with my oldest sons dad is it really does come DOWN to the judges decision.