The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
learnthelesson
Hey Jen,
I think the PI would come back not only another dude…but several other dudes she is seeing…and he might even find a list of “Stalker” cases she has filed, as well as a laundry list of other “uptodate” current facts that will really seal the deal for GG…. I dont think a PI is necessary, but I think its an option these days ..and you are right it is more beneficial when involved and suspicious…but like GG said…he didnt want to really know the truth…not now…and certainly not then.
Also, I think part of the process in this (at least for me) was GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH MY STATEMENTS AND COMMENTS…one day I wanted TO WIN, TO GET EVEN…TO HAVE HIM EATING OUT OF PALM OF MY HANDS…(and all the things you copied and pasted from GGs posts)…. and then the next day I was…I just want to talk to him… I just miss him… Maybe he still cares …Maybe if I hadnt called him out he would be here right now (like all of the things I copied and pasted from GGs posts)…
I think we go through this process of anger and sadness and confusion and even questioning what it is we really want…when we feel duped we want revenge…when we feel rejected …we want control again…when we feel lonely and tossed away…we feel sadness and/or are in denial, false hope..etc.
But I think we ALL agree, these toxic people have to be LET GO…there are just some things that arent good for us in life and as you said are just out of our control too!!
learnthelesson
Ntmare,
Personally I think they are NUMB to pain…I think they are very inscure and DISCONNECTED… I think they just live to exist…exist to live… they are helpless and lost…but they dont stop to think about it feel it …they FEED OFF OTHERS….they have a facade…if they are alone then they have to start to see themselves…so they keep going from one person to the next…never having to see themselves…just sucking the life from others…living empty hollow disconnected unrelatable lives….
Rosa
When Judgment Day comes for the psychopath, I guarantee they will NOT be smiling.
Think about it. These are loveless, soul-less, God-less individuals.
They spend their lives trying to play “God” to their victims.
What do you think is going to happen when they come face to face with The REAL THING!?!
We will get our “revenge” one day. We just will not see it.
learnthelesson
Rosa:
Pearly Gates “Victims of Sociopaths” line up here..provide extox name and date of birth… choose which torture chamber for your extox… with YOUR NAME AND FACE ALL OVER IT!!! :))
hens
I think ‘that smile’ we are reffering to is that grandiose sense of intitlement and self confidense they always seem to have no matter what.. and I think when a P loses his/her self by being involved with ‘us’ that is a great victory for them to not have to look at their reality – for ‘us’ to lose ourselves is the ultimate loss….
hens
Dear X – Today I bought that hammock we used to talk about, the one we were going to put out by the pool and lay in together and look at the stars – oh that was my dream wasn’t it – my bad.
Rosa
I am venting right now.
If Adam Lambert does not win American Idol, I am going to explode!
Ox Drover
Henry, you are soooo baaaaaaad!!!! LOL ROTFLMAO! (((hugs))))
Jen2008
Learnthelesson said: “I think we go through this process of anger and sadness and confusion and even questioning what it is we really want”when we feel duped we want revenge”when we feel rejected ”we want control again”when we feel lonely and tossed away”we feel sadness and/or are in denial, false hope..etc.”
Oh, I agree! I just think it will be helpful to him to reflect on what he is after by looking at his own motives and rereading some of his own quotes, rather than obsessing as much over her and coming up with different ploys to get her to respond to him. I just think regardless of her reasons, she’s gone and nothing much he can do about it. Not to mention, I think he is waaaaaay better off to just let her ride off into the sunset.
Rosa said: “They spend their lives trying to play “God” to their victims……..What do you think is going to happen when they come face to face with The REAL THING!?!”
Just a guess here, but they will probably try to con God into thinking they are someone else…..like Mother Theresa or Gandi maybe….. who led as close to sinless life as possible and should be entered into the Kingdom of Heaven. Then when God tells them that can’t be so because Mother Theresa is already dead and in heaven the sociopath will try to gaslight him and make God think he just IMAGINED MotherTheresa was already dead!….. Then when God sends them straight to hell, they’ll immediately try to buddy up with the Devil and try to convince him that he is so much smarter than God and with the help of the P of S they can come up with a really super cool and brillant plan to oust God from heaven and take over. And while they are working on the plan, that the P should be allowed to be on the outter skirts of the fire and help stoke it and torment the others, because he really does most of his best thinking that way……which will benefit the Devil in the long run (per P) Ok, me being silly here! 🙂
Rosa
We are all a little loopy and a little loose-with-the tongues tonight.
I think we should all go take 2 shots of tequila and come back in 15 minutes.
Then the conversation will probably get REALLY interesting!