The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
hens
Rosa – sorry you lost…..Chris Allen was my choice, they are both very good..I remember star search and Sam Harris – he was so good singing ‘over the rainbow’ and then he came out with an album, he sang this one song ‘can you here the bells?’ – I think he does gospel songs now a days..
Rosa
Don’t get me wrong. I love them both, too.
In fact, I was rooting for both last night. But, it seemed like they were gearing the entire show around Adam.
And there is something mesmerizing about Adam when he sings.
So, I was getting all excited for Adam.
hens
yes even Chris was surprised he won –
learnthelesson
OFF SUBJECT…
NEVER HAD THIS OCCUR BEFORE…15 MINUTES AGO WHILE PUTTING EVERYONE TO BED…THE TV EMERGENCY WARNING SYSTEM WENT OFF…WE ALL WENT DOWNSTAIRS THINKING BAD WEATHER??? IT WAS AN AMBER ALERT FOR A TWO YEAR OLD BOY ABDUCTED BY HIS FATHER IN NEW JERSEY….
MY HEART….SUNK…PLEASE SAY A PRAYER TONIGHT FOR HIS SAFE RETURN TO HIS MOTHER…
NOTHING LIKE HAVING TO EXPLAIN TO MY KIDS THAT THE ABDUCTOR WAS “THE BABIES FATHER”… OUT OF THE BLUE MOMENTS….OR OPPORTUNITIES FOR DISCUSSION… I OPTED TO SAY THE PARENTS MOST LIKELY ARENT GETTING ALONG, PERHAPS ONE OF THEM ISNT HEALTHY AND ONE IS TRYING TO GET THE CHILD TO A SAFER ENVIRONMENT….
THANK GOODNESS FOR AMBER ALERT! GAVE VEHICLE DESCRIPTION EVEN WITH A TYPE OF SIGN IN THE BACK WINDOW!
James
Okay Drew Peterson, Late Gov Blago and now this??
http://news.aol.com/article/man-charged-with-strangling-wife/465794
What is it with Illinois?
Maybe something with the water?
Joy
Tonight ‘s posts cracked me up. When my ex gets to hell and is roasting in the fire, I just have one favor to ask of God. I wanna roast marshmallows over my ex on a spit slowly turning. Burn Baby burn and I wanna dance like a disco inferno. And I wanna drink a big old glass of ice water right in front of him licking my lips ah so refreshing because daddy always said to me people in hell want ice water. I saw him today drive by in his company truck. I was on my way to work and passed him on one of the only two roads to get in and out of town. But it didn’t faze me. Not anymore. I’m gonna expose the cockroach to the light. Maybe he will run away and hide in some new town with some fresh food and no black flag roach motel. Because when I’m done exposing his sordid criminal past, his reputation as the golden boy will be dead and his pride and power gone baby gone. I didn’t start the war, but I damn sure plan to win it, and all I have to do is tell the truth. The facts are on my side.
pollyannanomore
Ah finally someone who ‘gets’ how destructive this particular tactic is – he employed it on me regularly … especially if HE had done something wrong – designed of course to make me grovel and take the blame on myself. When you add to the silent treatment the fact that SNPs routinely isolate victims re-opening contact is absolutely critical for the victim who wonders what the heck they did to deserve such treatment.
Excellent post!
alicia
Would someone please tell me why I am still getting the silent treatment, as if I never existed or dated the monster off and on for 5-6 years? To be more specific, he was cheating on me for months, but still would not let me go all those months (when I wanted to) but kept “loving” me and all the other BS!!! Now, 1 1/2 years later, everytime I confront him (and I know I’m not suppossed to but, I am a human and I can only take the harassment for so long – the crazy harassment – still whistling his stupid “I love you/I miss you song,” that is either supossed to make me weak and believe him (it has worked in the early part of our relationship-Stupid Stupid Me), but since he has been with this other victim, who also gives me the silent treatment and always has because she still believes the lie that “I am the crazy, jealous, stalker who has wanted him, etc…(all the things he did and still does) since I’ve moved here.” She is an airhead. I thought I was bad!!! Anyway, I got off track again. If anyone has read my posts in the past I tend to do this, sorry. TO TRY & MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT WITHOUT BLOWING UP AGAIN, FEELING LIKE I’M HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN, HEART ATTACK OR A STROKE (LITERALLY A STROKE), WHY DOES HE KEEP WHISTLING THAT STUPID SONG, WAKING ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHTS AT LEAST 3X A WEEK (BETWEEN 3-4 AM) – THAT’S HIS FAVORITE TIME, EARLY IN THE MORNING (PROBABLLY AFTER SHE LEAVES FOR WORK), AND WHEN HE SEES ME, BUT NOW IT IS 3 WHISTLES. I KNEW IT WAS HIM WAKING ME UP BECAUSE I KNOW THE SICK B__________ AND ALL HIS GAMES. I AVOIDED AND IGNORED HIM, BUT THE DAY WHEN I GOT OFF THE BUS AND WAS TALKING TO A MALE ACQUAINTANCE (THAT IS ALL) HE WAS NOT FAR BEHIND US AND PROBABLY WAS LISTENING TO OUR WHOLE CONVERSATION. I DIDN’T REALIZE IT UNTIL I TURNED AROUND WHEN THIS MAN LEFT. AS SOON AS I SAW THE MONSTER, HE DID HIS 3 WHISTLE THING, WHICH JUST PROVED TO ME THAT IT WAS HIM. I KNEW IT WAS, BUT WHY DID HE WANT ME TO KNOW IT WAS HIM??? THEN HE IMMEDIATELY WENT INTO THIS STUPID “I LOVE YOU / i MISS YOU SONG.” YES, HE IS NOT ONLY SICK BUT VERY IMMATURE AND ALL OF THIS MAY SOUND TRIVIAL, BUT IT IS ONGOING, CONTINUAL HARASSMENT (ALMOST TERRORISM) TO ME BECAUSE I HAVE HEARD THAT SONG FOR ALMOST 6 YEARS EVERY TIME I BROKE UP WITH HIM, WOULD NOT SPEAK TO HIM, AND ALSO WHEN HE HAD NEW VICTIMS. THOSE VICTIMS DIDN’T STAY LONG. HIS NEW ONE HAS BEEN WITH HIM FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS STRAIGHT. WOW! MAYBE SHE IS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE!!! I HEARD HE STOPPED DRINKING FOR HER, DO YOU THINK HE CHANGED? ANYWAY, I WAS SO PISSED AND I CONFRONTED HIM AND SAID, “WHAT DO I HAVE MY OWN PERSONAL ALARM CLOCK NOW?” HE DID NOT SAY A WORD BUT WHISTLE. I WANTED TO BREAK HIS NECK LITERALLY!!! THEN THAT NIGHT HE DID IT AGAIN ABOUT 1 AM AND HE OPENED UP MY STORM DOOR, WHICH I STUPIDLY FORGOT TO LOCK AND ACTED LIKE HE WANTED IN, BUT THEN HE LEFT WITH ONE LONG WHISTLE. I CONFRONTED HIM THE NEXT DAY AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE WANTED FROM ME AND TO LEAVE ME ALONE. OF COURSE HE TOLD ME THAT HE DIDN’T WANT ANYTHING FROM ME AND DENIED EVERYSINGLE THING HE DID EVEN WHEN THERE WERE AND ARE WITNESSES, AND THE WORST OF ALL, HE TAPED MY WHOLE CONVERSATION, SAT THERE AND DID NOT SAY ONE WORD, WHICH ISN’T LIKE HIS USUAL RAGES. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON? pLEASE HELP. TU
Ox Drover
Dear Alica
How is he whistling to wake you up at 3-4 a.m.?
call the cops and get him for STALKING—He is not going to stop, and this IS STALKING. ps. Get video documentation of this for the police. (((hugs)))
kim frederick
Alicia, CALL THE COPS. HE IS MIND F%&*#$@ YOU, DELIBERATELY. THIS IS ALL A BIG JOKE TO HIM. SEND HIM THE MESSAGE! STOP!
This is a real creep. I’m sorry you are having to deal with him. But you can’t equavocate. Quit letting him pull your strings, cause that’s what he’s doing, and he’s getting a nut from it. It will come as a big surprise to him, when the law comes knocking ON HIS door.