The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
learning
Dear Alicia,
My advice is for you to change your telephone number and to do whatever it takes to stop any and all responding to him on any level — be it negative or inquisitive about what he wants… etc..
You have known him for a very very long time and he knows how to press your buttons – just enough so that you call him the next day or confront him the next day (giving him attention – yes its negative attention – and yes he is SICK – but its still attention. Even if you contact the police – you cannot contact him to let him know, to tell him, to say anything to him.
You must take control away from him on your end. That includes changing your telephone number, never ever confront him again, AND CONTACT THE pOLICE!!!!
He has not and will not change for anyone. Whats going on is that he is manipulating and abusing you – and twisting it ALL around to make it like its you – causing you to lose your mind – and go in crazy circles with him. A person who loves you would never do this to you. This is nothing to do with love – he is a sicko sociopath — take your control back – get away from him – and protect yourself. Quietly get a restraining order and involve police — take this seriously – have NO CONTACT with him. You dont need questions answers – he does this because he can – it entertains him in a sick way… stay away! You will be okay without him, this in your life… its dangerous territory.
Buttons
Alicia, you have some sound suggestions. Learing is 100% spot-on. It’s not about “love.” It’s about posession and terrorism. This is precisely the kind of behavior that preceeds violence from these people.
There’s no nice way to say this: you are in iminent physical danger. Take control of this situation before you end up another statistic. {{{{STRONG HUGS}}}
ErinBrock
Alicia:
Heres the deal”..he wants a reaction and your giving it. Period!
So”.heres the solution”.
When he’s out there whisteling Dixie”.Call the cops! File a restraining order and take control.
He’s not going to stop, because he is getting what he wants —under your skin.
YOU MUST NOT REACT!!!! Towards him”.do it legally.
When we feel ’captured’ by a S”.it’s up to us to shake it up and change our ’usual’.
If they can’t predict us”..they cant ’get’ to us.
This is the benefit I have with my spath—he won’t ’shake it up’”..he thinks he’s doing new moves”.and he NEVER does—so I can predict his responses and next moves.
I get scared sometimes”..but the fear doesn’t last too long”.because I take control and ACT on my fear”..legally.
I do my best to control this fear”.
I fight back in court. And turn my fear back on him.
If you called the police and ’respathed’ him (OH, NEW WORD)”.especially when he’s trying to enter your home”..WTF?
WHY are you afraid to call the police? If you call them several times and they see him out there”..eventually, he’s gonna be caught”.OR know your not gonna lay down and take it.
He’ll either stop or knotch it up and find another way—and you can knotch it up with the law.
He is abusing you.
He is providing you terror.
You are entitled to peace in your own home.
REPORT IT!!!!
And HAVE NO CONTACT!! It’s provoking him”..
Learn patience my dear”..and see if that works for you.
I assure you”.it will!
Stay safe!!!
Rosa
I cannot stand it when men whistle.
It’s like nails sliding down the chalkboard to me.
As far as I am concerned, when a man whistles, it means he’s up to no good.
At least that’s been my experience.
Whistling is a red flag for me.
Alicia, did he actually show up at your home at 1:00 a.m.??
He opened your storm door??
Tell him “love don’t live here anymore” & call the police.
It’s just too creepy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Enxdc0jZHs&feature=related
And, if he’s taping your entire conversation, but he’s NOT saying a word….he’s probably trying to get YOU on something.
It’s either you or him.
Be careful.
ErinBrock
Alicia and everyone…
This ones for us!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaJug-QBKVM
one/joy_step_at_a_time
ouuuu, it’s the 80’s!
ErinBrock
Yes ma’am….get out those leg warmers…
one/joy_step_at_a_time
this song, Testimony, was written by Cadn. folk singer and lesbo extrodinaire, Ferron in 1980 and released in the early 80’s on the album of the same name. I have tried to find a link of her singing it – either video or audio to post here. I emailed her manager yesterday and she doesn’t know of anything – but has sent my request on to Ferron herself.
i n my email i mentioned lf and why i wanted to post a URL here – and hopefuly Ferron will respond and you can here her amazing rendition of this. I do own the CD, and would be willing to share a MP3 clip of it if anyone is interested.
This song has spoken to me since i first heard in in 1984….and it speaks still.
love,
one step
There’s godlike
And warlike
And strong
Like only some show
And there’s sad like
And madlike
And had
Like we know
But by my life be I spirit
And by my heart be I woman
And by my eyes be I open
And by my hands be I whole
They say slowly
Brings the least shock
But no matter how slow I walk
There are traces
Empty spaces
And doors and doors of locks
But by my life be I spirit
And by my heart be I woman
And by my eyes be I open
And by my hands be I whole
You young ones
You’re the next ones
And I hope you choose it well
Though you try hard
You may fall prey
To the jaded jewel
But by your lives be you spirit
And by your hearts be you women
And by your eyes be you open
And by your hands be you whole
Listen, there are waters
Hidden from us
In the maze we find them still
We’ll take you to them
You take your young ones
May they take their own in turn
But by your lives be you spirit
And by your hearts be you women
And by your eyes be you open
And by your hands be you whole
one/joy_step_at_a_time
i want the spandex gym shorts. that’s what i miss the most….oh, and my 20 something pre fibromyalgia body.
ErinBrock
Beautiful!