The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Yay, Witsend! That is such wonderful news! Will be keeping all fingers and toes crossed for you!
Dear Witsend,
Really happy that you had a door open for you and your son today! Keep us posted, so glad the Director has “heard” you and understands and can help!!!! Ill tell Aunt Lynn thanks for that prayer chain!!!!! 🙂 LOL
LTL
You tell aunt Lynn that she rocks!
I got the silent treatment toward the end, too. I have seen it used in the workplace several times through the years, and lately, I have been wondering, is it learned behavior?
When it was used on me, I was aware of it but chose to ignore it…(ignoring the red flag thing…..) so the more I ignored it, the more muttering to himself there was, louder door slams, that type of thing. It’s like a silent rage, and when they do it I bet their heart rate and blood pressure are up. It’s so childish, which is why I wonder if it may be something they learned as a child, maybe it was used on them.
What is TOWANDA?
Whoever it was that likened dealing with an S like a drug I would completely agree. But not just any drug, try heroin. Heroin is a drug (I’ve ever used it) that your first high is the best high. And the more you do it, the more you are trying to achieve the feeling of the first high and it takes more and more to get there but you still fall short. Great analogy I think.
I just don’t understand despite all of the great advice I get on here and from people who care about me why I don’t turn my back and run the other way. Quite the contrary. It’s like I have 50 angels on one shoulder giving me thoughtful, heartfelt advice and 1 devil on the other shoulder telling me to go for broke. I am fighting that devil but he is a strong willed being. This should be so much easier. Is it the thrill of the battle? Is it the challenge? Is it because I want to win, to penetrate the wall of China standing before me? Knwing what I know, What the hell am I in this for? Do I want her back? I can’t even answer that question and it should be a no brainer. My friend asked me that today, he was like “are you crazy?” maybe I am, maybe this situation has made me a little crazy. I know I am coming out of the fog, I feel it but I still miss her like crazy even knowing what I know.
Twisted or not, screw loose or not, why would anyone take pleasure in causing pain by blindsiding another who truly loved them and cared for them? My problem is this, all of my PHYSICAL memories with the person, minus seriously two or three were awesome. 98% of her red flags started flying after I left her. And what she did by going NC out of the blue on me isn’t a physical negative memory. It is nothing. So I have all of these positive physical memories, and I can’t really balance them like I want to with many negative physical memories. I know what she did to me was a bad memory, but in the way that it happened it is more nothing. I wish she had started arguing with me, or telling me it might not work or anything but the “I miss you” and “Ill call you as soon as I can ” that I got. She is a pro. My friend kept saying she played me and I’m just another one added to the list. Hard to argue.
I still write another line or 2 everyday to that letter that I HAVEn’T sent. But I’m not positive I won’t. But it’s not going out today I know that and that is another day I haven’t sent it. It’s getting long though. I just don’t want to still have this stupid letter hanging over my head 2 weeks from now still wondering if I should send it. But i try to pretend I sent it to see how I feel, yesterday I felt good like it gave me a little hope (FOR WHAT??? SHE”S EVIL) and today I pretended again and I found myself feeling empty like I knew I wouldn’t get a response. Do I even want a response? I know for a fact that I do right now, but that might all blow up in m face down the line. In some small way I envy her for her ability to close the door and not look back without a care n the world because that trait would help my cause right now. Just venting, writing, typing, getting it off my chest…probably repeating myself I don’t know…
I wrote this down a while ago about her…physically flawless, mentally flawed…Been thinking about the whole 2nd chance at life thing with her, and to me, the fact that she can still be this way means she has learned nothing and if something like surviving something she shouldnt have survived doesn’t change her then she must be really really bad off. Maybe surviving her accident made her feel invincible. Thats scary. She showed me her dark side, and I’m not afraid…thats scares me! I just wish it was real, she was so good at making it real, all of my memories are real to me even though people tell me it was fake. To me it was very real and I value all of the good times, I dont regret meeting her I dont think because I learned a lot about myself in all that I gave to her and sacrificed for her so that is a good thing. Once the fog lifts, it will be a very good thing. Im proud of myself for all that I did for her, if I was selfish I wouldnt have done it. No matter what though, I htink when I look back at this years down the rad, the disappoinment will never go away. The pain hopefully will, but the disappoinment that this girl that I loved so F’n much turned out to be a ruse
and another thing about this stupid f’n letter, it is like my project. I edit it a lot more than I’d like to admit, it’s like I’m handing it in for my senior thesis or something. I would consider that obsessing. It is a dumb thing to be doing. There is no balance between me and her if I’m doing that and she can’t even email me 2 words saying im sorry even if she didnt freakin mean it. I wonder if I sent it that I would finally feel free and clear instead of sweating every paragraph. I won’t allow myself to write another letter, I wont and that is why this one is long. I know I shouldnt send it, but it wouldnt be the first time I did something I shouldnt do. My mom says she is a tiffany box with shit on the inside. My dad says she is wicked. I should be able to see the writing on the wall, that huge wall that she constructed on front of me
Good Grief
“Whoever it was that likened dealing with an S like a drug I would completely agree”.
It was me, Good Grief. I was the heroin addict. And like I said, I knew I needed to go to rehab, but I kept running back for one more hit of the drug.
You may end up “running back for one more hit” too. And it could go on for weeks, months, or even years. For me, it took years.
I could tell you not to go down the same path that I did, but I know how intense the feelings are when you are in that state. Just from reading your posts, I can tell that you “want another hit of the drug”.
If that is what you are going to do, I totally understand. I think we all do. You are not going to be satisfied until this relationship has “run its course”.
I would just tell you that at some point, you will feel drained, tired, and you will no longer have “that feeling”. Then you will know it is definitely OVER, and you will move on with your life.
P.S. And you know LoveFraud is here for you, which is a lot more than I had when I was dealing with my sociopath boyfriend. So, you are very fortunate.
I am a strongwilled person. With him I was so strong-willed and emeshed and blown away with the physicalness of our relationship and wanted to believe that it was just a matter of me getting into his head and projecting what he was going through and show him I was willing to accept whatever he was about, whatever he went through in his past, I would “work” with him…I loved him…I was willing to go the distance …I was willing to go for broke.
I didnt quite go the distance…but I did go broke! HA 🙁
THERE WASNT A LIVING BEING WHO COULD DETER ME OR ADVISE ME OTHERWISE…DETERMINED, BEAT THE ODDS, THIS WILL WORK, ILL MAKE IT WORK….I went through all of it…I sent my letter, eventually I got lured back, and then again after that I think I was the one to initiate another go of it…what was my lesson learned?
They do not change! They do not change! Its not that mine even got pleasure in causing pain by blindsiding me…. Its that he doesnt make any sacrifices in his life for another…he doesnt go through life events with consistency or compassion or thoughtfulness. Eventually without fail he goes off track…selfishly , hurtfully , randomly just does his own thing …be it with losing jobs, needing money,charing up credit cards, cheating, lying, manipulating, taking off for a weekend….if I wanted him in my life…I could have him…someone with no sense of responsibility or true humanity. One for all and all for one in a bad bad hurtful selfish way. I could have him back and all the great sex and fun times. … Id have to buck up and shut up tho. No complainers, no self-respecters, no self-valuers are really acceptable to be his “partner” — you have to be insecure, vulnerable and needy and giving til your gut is inside out to be someone he “pretends he is a great guy to”… once you “wake up” or have been “sucked dry”…they are already in the next town…doing the same old chit, different face, different place.
The birthcontrol scene and ensuing lies about it was after? The gifts she didnt like was after? The secretive texts in the bathroom and blatant lies to you were after? And never acknowledging you two were in a relationship was AFTER?
You too have the choice when you are ready, when all is said and done and youve either sent the letter or burned it (BURN IT!) or returned for more bouts of crazymaking, or going back and forth…WHEN YOU ARE READY you too will close the door and not look back..But you will not look back with a care (YOU ARE ABLE TO CARE ABOUT OTHERS)….she will not look back without a care (SHE IS UNABLE TO TRULY CARE ABOUT OTHERS IN REAL LIFE SITUATIONS)…Can she have sex, and talk about dreams, and share herself…probably to LOTS OF PEOPLE, including you…can she commit to love and friendship? only if you agree to it being one-sided and her way and you let her lie and cheat and if you leave your self-respect and self-worth at the door…maybe you will be able to put “IN A RELATIONSHIP” on your myspace (do they offer one-sided and complicated or dysfunctional relationship…while she puts “SINGLE”….
Good grief you fell in love. Madly in love.. Even if she started arguing with you or telling you it might not work..you would be fighting to hold on …her words “I miss you” “Call you soon as I can” were her way to get away…nothing she could have said or done would make this any easier for you..so she showed you her true colors… as did mine..but I was blindsided until I got it. He was in it for him. Not for “us” – I eventually let go – WHEN I WAS READY.