The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships.
The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner’s (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind.
The silencer’s aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note that the experience of powerlessness often evokes shame.)
The silent treatment is a statement of contempt, relating, “You aren’t worth the energy it would take me to acknowledge your existence, let alone your feelings or needs.”
The silent treatment tactically communicates, You have done something wrong, seriously wrong—wrong enough to warrant my repudiation of your existence.
Its message is menacing and extortive—menacing in its implicit accusation of guilt, and extortive in the lose-lose proposition it makes: either you confess to a “crime” (against the silencer) you may be unaware of having committed (a degrading concession), or, if you don’t, the silencer continues to blot you out.
The silent treatment is a technique of torture. This may sound hyperbolic, but human beings need (on the most basic level) recognition of their existence. The withholding of this recognition, especially if protracted, can have soul-warping consequences on personality. (Just consult attachment theory for proof of this.)
It is deeply disturbing to be silenced (stonewalled), especially by someone you love, or someone you believe (or want to believe) loves you. The silent treatment aims, therefore, to exploit a very deep, elemental vulnerability.
Understandably it is the kind of vulnerability from which one desperately wants relief. And the controlling, abusive silencer holds the cards—he can provide relief by deciding if, and when, to reinstate his recognition of your existence.
However, like many abusers, he may require something of you first–namely, your capitulation. From the silencer’s perspective, “capitulation” may involve his metaphorically bringing you to your knees, meaning he may demand that you appeal to, plead for and/or beg his forgiveness as a condition of his readmitting you into his good graces.
As noted, you may feel coerced into admitting something you didn’t do, say or mean. This, after all, is how false confessions occur: the accused feels so exhausted, disempowered and helpless to be heard against the monolithic accuser that, simply to escape the hell of being disbelieved, she relents (and confesses).
Or else she may begin to wonder, under the prolonged, accusatory assault, whether she’s crazy; whether maybe she is, in fact, guilty of a crime that not too long ago she was mystified and/or outraged to be accused of.
As I suggested in The Pathological Self-Confidence of the Sociopath, it’s not so hard to jar the confidence of, and foment doubt in, others. While we invest some degree of trust in our perceptions, that trust can be surprisingly fragile. Because we tend to be built with more uncertainty than certainty, we are prone, especially facing another’s prolonged, implacable invalidation, to feel self-doubt rising like flood-waters.
The abusive individual, whether narcissistic or sociopathic, exploits this natural psychological frailty. For this reason (and others) he will prize the silent treatment for its capacity to sow insecurity, dread, even terror, in its intended target.
(My use of “he” throughout this, and other, posts is a convenience and not to suggest that women are incapable of the behaviors discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
oh boy…I have to backtrack one more second here…
1. I said something to you that was said to me quite often…and it actually bothered me back then… I said you need to find a hot chick who respects you, treats you well, appreciates, acknowledges you,..etc. Truth is there was nobody who interested me, who turned my head, who captured me quite the way he did…for a long, long, long time. Nobody really did it for me. So although I understand the meaning of my statement, Im retracting it to say…you need to go through this process.
2. I said its not about you. Its nothing you did….again to a major extent this is true. But I would like to add there are things I did to improve upon some of the choices I made…choices of mine that ended up being bad choices (FOR ME) not for him …(well maybe enabling)…but ultimately I had to go back and see where my actions and choices allowed more than one red flag to wave over more than a year instead of saying — I DESERVE BETTER THAN ALL THESE LITTLE THINGS ADDING UP AND ADDING UP.. I had to go back and see why I was desperately seeking love (unhealthy love/selfish friendship) why was I willing to accept that? What was going on WITH ME, and it took me to my past, my childhood, to figure out where and how my sense of self-everything was low/missing when someone was treating me badly.
I know, people say why waste any more time? why let her control your thoughts? I dont know, cant help it right now but I swear, even if its a little bit, it is getting better. I have been smiling more, talking a lot more as I became internalized during the core of her going NC on me. I kept telling myslef that “I know she wont do this to me” over and over and she did it. The littelest thing trigger memories. The most twisted thing is that I want to hear from her. whether I take her back or not is different but yeah I am vulnerable…I wonder if the letter Im debating sending would push her one way or the other…my sister just walked in a litle while ago and I showed her long it is. ITs pretty long, a little longer than the last one I posted, but in my eyes I’m like c’mon, these are my thoughts, this is my soul, she stopped talking to me for no reason and im supposed to wipe my hands clean and not say much???? maybe, I dont know. my sister said she’d open her email and be like “what doesnt this guy get” and probably not even read it. My sister reminded me that she’s out there galavanting all over the place not ever thinking about me and then she olpens her email and sees this long email and she’d roll her eyes. but cmon now, after all i out into this human being is it so out of line to send a final email.
Here is the deal, she last emailed me april 2. said she missed me and sh’ed call as soon as she can among other decently nice stuff about me being skinny and my dogs b-day. I emailed her like 5 days later and asked what was up, offered to drive out and see her or if she can borrow another phone to call. no response. I emailed about 4 days after that, real short, and essentially told her to stop being a d*ck and get in touch, but I said i love you…waited 5 more days, sent the happy anniversary???? 13 month email finally revealing my confusion and unhappiness. no response, next day I emailed her I was done, you all read that one too. 12 days later I emailed a short paragraph asking for closure, told her i’d appreciate an apology if i ever got one, and i said it didnt have to be this way bt it was fun while it lasted. That was it. And now I have a long, final email unleashing every thought I’ve had in the last month and the last few months and summarizing my thoughts on the last year and WTF she did to me. It has been almost 2 weeks since the last email.
Is that too much given the circumstances. you all know the circumstances so i wont repeat them. is that too much? I never really told her how I truly feel. I always glossed over my emotions to hide my insecurity about the situation until the end. And then I unloaded on her telling her how cold and evil she was cause I was so frustrated and mad, and now weeks later, I’ve had time to reflect on everything and collect my thoughts and organize them into one last hoorah.
So damn disappointed, my sister giving me some tough love
Good Grief
I would assume by posting here that you have read the signs of these disorders. And have concluded that she isn’t your normal average person.
You are giving this girl way to much credit.
She doesn’t have a conscience. She didn’t call because she doesn’t have a conscience. She didn’t give you a reason because she doesn’t have a conscience. She told you she loved you because she didn’t have a conscience…..I’m sure you yourself could continue this list…..
If you don’t have a conscience and you don’t feel empathy for other people, you DON’T do the right thing by them.
Go back to the drug addict analogy if that works best for you.
Just like a junkie you could chase AFTER that first high with her again & again & again. And just like the junkie that first high will become more elusive to you with each passing day.
Finally, like the junkie you will be alone, homeless, broke, devastated, and your spirit will be broken because you will have reached your bottom.
Only you can make this decision. The pain is written & speaking loud and clear in your post….If your letter to her “speaks” anything like your post you are leaving yourself wide open for a lot more heartache. An EVIL person such as she sounds (judging by what you have posted) doesn’t need to see you so vulnerable. Predators take advantage. And if she were to come back into your life THAT is what she would do to you….. It is ulimately your decision.
Good Grief
The answer is yes.
It is TO MUCH to give her under the circumstances and make yourself so very VULNERABLE.
gg – leading up to April 2 , the comment at her parents , the relationship itself had red flags no? yes?
ps go sister!
pss. If things were really cool and perfect between you prior to April 2 when she said she missed you and would call you. If things were picture perfect… and 5 days go by and you make contact and receive nothing… you would have phone her, her family, the police, John Walsh for goodness sakes!!!
Instead you saw she removed your Anniversary comment. and you saw she was alive and well – like with me and so many of us – we had to face the reality that we had a relationship with someone who was a bad person for us in our lives. Hearing her voice, will drown out the reality of the situation. Listen to your own inner voice…it speaks rationally and realistically to us.
WHOA WITSENDS POST SUMS IT UP!!! PRINT IT, TAPE IT SOMEWHERE YOU CAN READ AND RE-READ HER POST. IT IS DIRECT, TO THE POINT, SPOT ON AND WORDS OF WISDOM…HEY ANOTHER SONG…
SPEAKING WORDS OF WISDOM….LET IT BE!
learnthelesson, What a beautiful story you have shared about your mom. You are a kind and loving spirit and I admire your insight beyond words. I too lay next to my dad 6 years ago as the 6 hours passed it took him to die. I remember the coldness starting in his fingers and climbing up to his shoulder as the hours passed. His ability to speak slowly stopped, his eyes became fixed and I told him how much me and the kids loved him. I told him to make his peace with God and that he was free to go – even though it has taken me all these years to forgive him for dying. He was ill with emphysema and on oxygen all the time. My mom was horrid at taking care of him – she even fought with hospice. I believe my dad convinced the hospice nurse to admininster morphine which was lethal for his condition. Whether he complained of pain or she helped him along I will never know – but I do believe he chose his time because he had been refusing to go for his checkup appointments. I fought him and was so angry he was just giving up – told me outright he didn’t want to live in his condition. I have seen people in wheelchairs with oxygen tanks out in the world and I wanted him to be one of them. But it wasn’t what he wanted. Your story has helped me to see it in a different light – your mom lived her life her way and you forgave – so it makes sense that dad died his way and I need to forgive and let it go. Thank you so much. Now if I can learn to release the N/S H I will be in a better place.
MATT
MATT WHERE AREW YOU?/
NOT LIKE YOU TO MISS A DAY OF POSTING !!!!!
Matt was gone yesterday, too. I was wondering the same thing.