If you have a sociopath in your life — whether a romantic partner, family member or friend — you probably have experienced, or will experience, the silent treatment. Why? Because from the sociopath’s point of view, it works.
What is the silent treatment?
As the term implies, someone who engages in the silent treatment stops talking to you. You want to communicate, and the other person refuses.
If you are trying to contact the individual when you are not physically in the same place, they don’t respond to your texts, emails or phone calls. If you are in the same house — heck, even in the same room — they do not acknowledge you, let alone speak to you. They may look at you, then look away. Or they may look right past you, as if you don’t exist.
This is extraordinarily painful, especially if the individual is your spouse or romantic partner. After all, you are supposedly in love. Many sociopaths, early in a relationship, shower their partners with attention and affection, want to be with you all the time, and proclaim undying love. After believing you are so wanted and adored, the silent treatment is particularly devastating. You desperately want to regain your blissful connection with your partner.
Is the individual expressing pain?
If you search online for information about the silent treatment, you’ll find articles saying that the individual is hurt or needs space in order to deal with whatever happened. The advice is to do nothing, give the person space, and talk when he or she is ready.
This is good advice — if the individual is not a sociopath.
Yes, normal people, when hurt, may withdraw. They may need time to figure out how they feel about a situation. If there was an argument, they may need to recover from angry words.
But when you are dealing with a sociopath — meaning someone who has antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic personality disorder — the silent treatment is not about pain. It’s about power and control.
For more information, read What’s a sociopath?
Sociopaths and the silent treatment
The most important thing to understand about sociopaths is that they are fundamentally incapable of a normal loving relationship. They do not have the ability to put another person’s needs before their own. They do not value human connection. The inability to love is the root of their personality disorder, and it will not change.
So what do they want from relationships? They may say, eloquently, that they love you, but it’s not true. What they really want is to use and exploit you. This requires power and control.
To sociopaths, the silent treatment is an effective tool for exerting power and control over you.
4 warning signs of a sociopathic silent treatment
How do you know whether the individual giving you the silent treatment is hurt or a sociopath? Here are four warning signs of disorder:
The incident sparking the silent treatment was minor, or nonexistent
If the individual’s reaction was way out of proportion to whatever happened, or if you don’t even know what happened, you’re likely dealing with a sociopath who is trying to control you.
You apologize even if you did nothing wrong, and you see a smirk
You want to repair your relationship, so you apologize, although you don’t think you did anything wrong. When you do, you briefly see a smile, smirk or look of satisfaction cross the individual’s face.
The individual acts like nothing ever happened
You’re emotionally wrung out by this incident. Perhaps you want to discuss how you can avoid this situation in the future. But once you start talking again, he or she is not bothered at all and sees no reason for further discussion.
The silent treatment becomes a pattern
You notice that any time the individual becomes angry or displeased, even over imagined incidents, he or she engages in the silent treatment. The periods of refusing to talk to you come more frequently and last longer.
Escaping the damage
Sociopaths use the silent treatment to exert power and control over you, and it works. You feel like you’re wrong, a failure and not worth talking to. Each time you apologize for something you did not do, you lose a bit more of your self-esteem. The longer you stay in the relationship, the more worthless you will feel.
If you see the warning signs that I listed above, do your research. Learn more about sociopathic behavior — there’s plenty of information here on Lovefraud. Then take an honest look at the individual. If you see the traits and behavior of a personality disorder, the best thing you can do is end the involvement.
When narcissistic injury turns into pathological rage
Hafren
This exists, I clearly remember the silent treatment, my successor described the silent treatment she experienced too: we joked about it when we compared notes later.
I was hurt and confused when it happened but got used to it, he would drive for hundreds of miles chewing at the back of his hand (weird, I know) as if he was totally alone in the car!
I eventually moved far away but according to his children, ( I’m still close to them), my successor is apparently still caught in his poisonous web, justifying it by claiming they’re only friends and that her choices are limited at her age.
I haven’t commented so much recently as I had persuaded myself that he was a mere narcissist, however, his actions towards his ex wife last Christmas (2020) were so cruel I was astounded. I discussed it with my daughter, who is a recently qualified mental health professional, and she’s told me that she’s sure he’s a very dangerous psychopath and a risk to all who associate with him. Happily I have nothing to do with him and I’ll make sure it remains so.
Donna Andersen
Hello Hafren – good to “see” you again. You make the point that your successor (there’s always a next target) also experienced the silent treatment. This indicates that the silent treatment is simply a strategy, a tool in the sociopath toolbox.
About the “diagnosis” – I am of the opinion that most people who say they are dealing with a narcissist are are actually involved with an antisocial or psychopath. They mistakenly believe that antisocials and psychopaths are serial killers. If the person hasn’t killed anyone, he/she can’t be a psychopath. However, there is no murder requirement in the diagnostic criteria for these disorders. In the end, I think people want to say the person is a “narcissist” because it’s not as scary.
In any event, I am very glad that you are away from him, and plant to keep him out of your life.
Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.ED, LBS, CCBP
HI Donna, I posted a comment the other day on this article, but I don’t see it. Just testing to see if this one comes through!