If you’ve been romanced by a sociopath, you know how remarkable it can be. In the first moments—the courting phase. In the time when you felt more desirable and more perfectly matched than ever before in your life.
The time you fell in love.
I wrote about my own sociopathic romance in The Other Side of Charm. And it was really hard for me after fifteen years of bad to go back to the good. It was more than hard. I cried a lot while writing about my early days with my ex, holing myself up in my house during any spare moment to write and to cry into the loneliness.
And even though I’ve written it all out by now, I still cry if I talk about it. If someone asks what it was like. I cry because it was a captivating experience.
It was my biggest young experience of love.
And it was meaningless.
Yes, that makes me cry.
Because my heart was captivated by a disguise. Everything I was wholeheartedly believing and investing myself in was a big, empty sham. My experience of feeling loved didn’t come from someone who felt it. And long after he took off his mask, I kept myself believing that it was who he truly was.
That need to believe did a lot of damage.
But it still happens to me today.
It happens by accident. It happens all the time. Because I still have to see him regularly—we have children together. And even though he’s trying hard behind the scenes to devastate me for going on two decades now, he’s smart enough to behave well in public. Which sometimes makes me question myself.
Today, for example. I’m standing at a track meet, filming and shooting photos of my son’s jumps. My ex walks up beside me and asks how he’s doing. He comes in close beside me to look at my phone. I respond pleasantly and show him the video because I can see our son watching us and he really wants us to get along. So I smile and share photos and then find myself instantly jumping to the idea that maybe we actually could get along. Because in that moment, we’re getting along. And I make it bigger than it really is because I need to believe that there’s hope for peace.
Back to reality.
The reality is that I received multiple angry emails from Mr. Getalong earlier in the day that were both degrading and untrue, and I also had a call from my attorney this afternoon about an email he received from my ex. In it, my ex claimed that I was interfering with his custody case because I wouldn’t communicate with the psychologist who’s doing our assessments. Truth be told, I’ve called the psychologist six times and can trace it on my records. And he’s the one who hasn’t called—the psychologist complained about it himself.
Back to reality, again.
This game of “I’ll accuse you of what I’m doing” is common among sociopaths, but it still catches me off guard at times. I have to remind myself not to get caught up in his stories even more often than I have to remind myself not to believe that he can be decent to me just because he’s acting like it for a moment.
Someone recently described it to me as being like a cobweb. That when you’re regularly dealing with another person’s mental illness or personality disorder, their condition can be webby. It can stick to you. Imagine walking through a cobweb and then trying to get it all off, right down to the last strand.
It’s hard to do.
It’s hard to get the cobwebs off.
It’s hard to stay on the outside of their chaos.
It’s hard to give up the dream.
It’s hard to believe that a person is dangerous if they’re talking about family life while hugging people and laughing a good, deep laugh.
It’s hard to understand how a person could be warm and nice to you while taking everything you have.
It’s hard to admit that it feels shameful and lonely to realize you weren’t actually loved when you thought you felt it.
Because we want to be loved, not duped.
We want to be wanted for who we are.
Or at the very least, we want to get along. To believe that tomorrow can be better.
That the attacks can and will end. We want to believe they’ll end.
And that’s a beautifully human thing—a critical survival skill.
But on the flip side, it can make it hard to let go of the dream.
A challenge.
To think about how all this may fit into your own life, I challenge you to consider how believing in goodness (sometimes against all evidence) can be both a positive strength and a self-defeating weakness. When is it a strength for you? When does it hold you back? And do you see any patterns?
If you’re dealing with a sociopath, clear vision can easily be clouded. How to you keep things in focus? Do you have strong skills in this area, or do you need more support?
More than anything, I challenge you to live your own safe life. Free from sociopathy and filled with your own real dreams.
Platinum, click on the tab above called “Beware the sociopath” and the then “What’s a sociopath.” You will find some descriptive articles there. The two most well-known books on the topic are “Without a Conscience” and “The Sociopath Next Door”. I would suggest reading them both.
The majority of therapists are not aware of sociopaths and are easily fooled by them. Sociopaths can be very charming and convincing. They can lie at the drop of a hat and seem very sincere about it. I would terminate with your current therapist and find another one just for yourself who knows what sociopaths are. There are some out there. I would not tell your husband you are going. Just do this for yourself.
The fact that you are on this site shows that you have a strong suspicion at least that your husband is a sociopath. If he is, being in therapy with him will cause you more harm than good because he will manipulate the therapist. The only thing sociopaths learn from therapy is how to manipulate people better. If the therapist is savvy enough to see that your husband is projecting everything onto you and not taking any responsibility for his own actions, this could be validating for you. But then there would still be no reason to continue with marriage counseling. Both parties must be willing to change and accept responsibility for counseling to work. A sociopath will never do either.
Here is a good article from this site identifying the key symptoms of a sociopath. From Robert Hare’s book:
http://www.lovefraud.com/beware-the-sociopath/key-symptoms/
Stargazer,
I am going to look at the information you suggested right now. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Blessings,
Platinum, even giving your husband the benefit of the doubt that he is not a sociopath, is this really someone you feel you can work with? I mean, your responsibility toward your marriage is 50%. But he has the other 50%. If he is that insensitive and blaming you for everything, IMO you should be pulling back and taking care of yourself instead of investing in HIS mental health. You cannot make him change. He has to want to do it for himself; he has to see the value in it; and he has to realize that he could lose you if he doesn’t. You cannot force a man to value you. He has to realize this on his own. And I’m talking about a “normal” man who is not a sociopath. If he is a sociopath, there is no chance he will ever love or value you. And there is not a thing you can do about it besides get out.
But I have to say after reading your posts, that his pathological lying is a dead giveaway to me. Normal neurotic people don’t do that.
Stargazer,
Thank you for your response. Whether my husband is or is not a sociopath, you have made some very compelling and thought provoking remarks. You have validated what I have been thinking, but I think was too scared to admit it.
Do you know if there is a genetic component to this? Are they born this way? Is it learned? Are they a product of their environment? Wow, just caught myself……none of that really matters, I can’t fix him, I can only take care of myself and allow him the dignity of taking care of himself.
As I posted on another article, I am planning my exit stategy.
Regards,
Hi Platinum-
You’ve asked the questions we’ve all asked as we struggled with recovery…..how’d they get that way?
To briefly answer…
The basis of all “Cluster B” personality disorders is lack of “affective empathy.” That’s the ability to care what’s going on with another person. Most of them have high levels of “cognitive empathy.” That’s the ability to figure out what’s happening, but they just don’t care. In fact, they use that razor sharp sense of cognition in order to gain whatever they want…. the hell with anyone else. They can turn the charm off and on to suit their needs.
How did they get that way? A combination of nature and nurture.
Many are born with a pre-dispostion to it, and the impacts of their early childhood can mitigate or launch them down a predatory pathway. I think Dr. Liane Leedom’s book, “Just Like His Father,” probably gives the best awareness of how sociopathy forms.
Keep in mind that there are a variety of personality traits in Cluster Bs that set them apart. Some become Narcissists, some become “Borderlines,” and there’s a whole host of others. But no matter what form their disordered moral reasoning takes, the best thing you can do is get as far away as you can!
Wishing you the best!
Joyce
Yes, what Joyce said ^^^^.
It has a genetic component. And there are actually structural differences in the brains of sociopaths making it very unlikely that they can change, especially once they are adults. However, even if change were *possible*, sociopaths as a group are not very motivated to change. I know of no cases where one ever developed empathy or remorse, whether through meds, therapy, or any other form of treatment. However, there are accounts (on this site) of people high on the anti-social scale who are able to manage their behaviors to fit into society and have a modicum of things that normal people have – a stable sex life with a partner, a job with steady income, avoiding prison, etc. This often requires them being convinced that if they behave in socially acceptable ways there is a payoff for them. They then need to get their adrenalin jolt in more socially acceptable ways – skydiving, etc.
Keep in mind that lacking empathy and remorse alone does not make someone a sociopath. The traits that are dead giveaways outside of the lack of remorse and empathy and the pathological lying and the “pity play” that they use to make you feel sorry for them. If you see all three of these traits together in one person, suspect a sociopath. The glib, superficial affect and charm would be a 4th trait.
Now I am better able to understand why in our joint counseling he is giving the responses he is. For example, my adult daughters had talked with him a few months back about how their feelings had been hurt by him. In a “normal” family, no big deal, right? You listen, empathize, come to a resolution, and move on.
In this case, he got very upset, started saying all kinds of nasty things about my daughters dad, then screamed that I am the reason his adult daughters don’t come visit.
In our joint counseling session, when I brought this up and the therapist pointed out that my husband was clearly in the wrong to assassinate the character of my daughters dad in front of them, his response was to say it is his house and he should be able to say whatever he wanted to say.
I have seen him throw his adult daughters under the bus as well.
I think it is easier for me to see his behavior and lack of remorse/empathy for other people instead of me, because I think I ought to be able to do something different and all would be well. I am seeing now, that is what he wants me think, it is all my fault! Revelations are coming quickly now.
I have said it before, but again, thank you for your responses. You all have given me much to reflect, research, etc. Life can be so busy, and the fact that many took the time to respond means a great deal to me.
Blessed,
Ah yes, Platinum….. The Lord and Master of the castle gets to say and do anything he chooses. At least that’s how it was back in the dark ages. He has a “chattel” mentality. You are all his property, and he can behave any way he wants.
There’s no “fix” for that mentality. It’s inherent in how he conducts relationships. And everyone else is to blame, for everything! Once they are “found out” it’s almost laughable, except that he’s been so non-present and uncaring in so many lives!
All the best!
Joyce
Good analysis Beverly – thanks!