If you’ve been romanced by a sociopath, you know how remarkable it can be. In the first moments—the courting phase. In the time when you felt more desirable and more perfectly matched than ever before in your life.
The time you fell in love.
I wrote about my own sociopathic romance in The Other Side of Charm. And it was really hard for me after fifteen years of bad to go back to the good. It was more than hard. I cried a lot while writing about my early days with my ex, holing myself up in my house during any spare moment to write and to cry into the loneliness.
And even though I’ve written it all out by now, I still cry if I talk about it. If someone asks what it was like. I cry because it was a captivating experience.
It was my biggest young experience of love.
And it was meaningless.
Yes, that makes me cry.
Because my heart was captivated by a disguise. Everything I was wholeheartedly believing and investing myself in was a big, empty sham. My experience of feeling loved didn’t come from someone who felt it. And long after he took off his mask, I kept myself believing that it was who he truly was.
That need to believe did a lot of damage.
But it still happens to me today.
It happens by accident. It happens all the time. Because I still have to see him regularly—we have children together. And even though he’s trying hard behind the scenes to devastate me for going on two decades now, he’s smart enough to behave well in public. Which sometimes makes me question myself.
Today, for example. I’m standing at a track meet, filming and shooting photos of my son’s jumps. My ex walks up beside me and asks how he’s doing. He comes in close beside me to look at my phone. I respond pleasantly and show him the video because I can see our son watching us and he really wants us to get along. So I smile and share photos and then find myself instantly jumping to the idea that maybe we actually could get along. Because in that moment, we’re getting along. And I make it bigger than it really is because I need to believe that there’s hope for peace.
Back to reality.
The reality is that I received multiple angry emails from Mr. Getalong earlier in the day that were both degrading and untrue, and I also had a call from my attorney this afternoon about an email he received from my ex. In it, my ex claimed that I was interfering with his custody case because I wouldn’t communicate with the psychologist who’s doing our assessments. Truth be told, I’ve called the psychologist six times and can trace it on my records. And he’s the one who hasn’t called—the psychologist complained about it himself.
Back to reality, again.
This game of “I’ll accuse you of what I’m doing” is common among sociopaths, but it still catches me off guard at times. I have to remind myself not to get caught up in his stories even more often than I have to remind myself not to believe that he can be decent to me just because he’s acting like it for a moment.
Someone recently described it to me as being like a cobweb. That when you’re regularly dealing with another person’s mental illness or personality disorder, their condition can be webby. It can stick to you. Imagine walking through a cobweb and then trying to get it all off, right down to the last strand.
It’s hard to do.
It’s hard to get the cobwebs off.
It’s hard to stay on the outside of their chaos.
It’s hard to give up the dream.
It’s hard to believe that a person is dangerous if they’re talking about family life while hugging people and laughing a good, deep laugh.
It’s hard to understand how a person could be warm and nice to you while taking everything you have.
It’s hard to admit that it feels shameful and lonely to realize you weren’t actually loved when you thought you felt it.
Because we want to be loved, not duped.
We want to be wanted for who we are.
Or at the very least, we want to get along. To believe that tomorrow can be better.
That the attacks can and will end. We want to believe they’ll end.
And that’s a beautifully human thing—a critical survival skill.
But on the flip side, it can make it hard to let go of the dream.
A challenge.
To think about how all this may fit into your own life, I challenge you to consider how believing in goodness (sometimes against all evidence) can be both a positive strength and a self-defeating weakness. When is it a strength for you? When does it hold you back? And do you see any patterns?
If you’re dealing with a sociopath, clear vision can easily be clouded. How to you keep things in focus? Do you have strong skills in this area, or do you need more support?
More than anything, I challenge you to live your own safe life. Free from sociopathy and filled with your own real dreams.
I had some contact on and off with the NPD/BPD over the last month or so. Then I decided to catch him in a lie I suspected from the beginning of the renewed contact. So I did lol, like its hard, eh?
I needed to see he was lying now so I could believe he lied then, he’s always ONLY lied to me. I watched him lie to his employer, his best friend and others. Instantly, easily, no guilt. I knew he lied “little lies” to me and becuz there was enough to argue about, and for, in our relation-hell, I ignored them.
Now the thot of him sickens me again and this time I think I’ve got it thru my head that he only ever lied to me; that WHO HE IS is a *sham*. He HAS no true person to him. He’s not just sick, he barely exists as a human.
I made sure to open full-guns at him when I caught him, so he’d be offended and hurt. This will prevent him from contacting me. He takes GREAT offense and stays hurt like a little puppy–won’t even talk to his father or other family members.
I was doing very well in my recovery. I am doing very well now. It hasn’t affected my sleep or anxiety except for about an hour that night as I processed it and all it’s ramifications. Someday very soon, the thot of him won’t sicken me, it will just not affect me at all. Ive done it with the spath before, this person will go too.
The one word to understand in relation to a disordered person, on any level, is LIES or LIAR. I have no time for either.
My heart goes out to every one of you who has children with your ex and so have no choice but to see them regularly. It is hard enough without this challenge and I think the continued threat from contact would be more than I could handle.
During the relationship I struggled so much with the cognitive dissonance of the sweet man I loved vs. the reality of who he is and like all of us stayed much, much too long hoping. There was no hope.
I have done well in letting go of the dream that was the relationship with him, but I struggle every day with letting go of the dreams I had for my life. He set me up to lose so much financially that after a successful career that enabled me to retire in my early 50’s with few financial worries now I am back at square one. It is heartbreaking and most days I end up twisted in knots trying to figure out what to do, what I can do…what do I want my life to look like and how can I make that happen.
What keeps me going is looking back over my shoulder at how I responded and reacted after the discard and through the last three years how often I felt hopeless and without a future but kept going anyway. How much I weathered, how much I accomplished. I didn’t let myself go under, and it was hard and took everything I had.
I had hoped it would feel easier at this point, but it doesn’t. I question every decision I make and then second guess myself. I feel each decision has the potential to make or break me, to send ripple effects that could harm me down the line. I want to be careful, cautious. I am no longer the accomplished, confident decision maker I was before he abused me.
I thought the hard work of healing and working to reestablish some stability in my life would be over when at long last the shared house that he left me holding the whole bag for was sold. Boy was I wrong. I thought I would soar like an eagle when I was finally free and instead, I am paralyzed. I didn’t expect to feel this way and don’t know what to do with it. I’m trying to be gentle with myself, telling myself I don’t have to know or do everything at once, and I will get through it with the strength and determination I showed in the past three years. But I’m so, so tired and alone.
Hanalei-
I hear your pain and hopelessness. I was there myself not too long ago. I hope you recognize that you are still the worthwhile person you were. Your relationship with a sociopath happened to you, it is not who you are.
Recovery and healing is a very tough road, and it’s often accompanied by financial decline which makes it even more complex. Some of us would be best with an anti-depressant to help us get back on track, as well as therapy. Even if you feel it’s unaffordable, check with the major hospitals in your area. Many provide low-cost, and no-cost mental health services.
Forcing yourself to do ego-building activities is another quick fix for pulling yourself out of misery. Try to find a volunteer organization to work with, such as literacy for children or a soup kitchen that needs a helping hand. Sometimes picking yourself up requires forcing your endorphins to start pumping again.
I wish you God’s speed on your way to recovery.
Joyce
Thank you Joyce! You are right on the ego building activities…I am working on that right now.
I went through two years of therapy and it was a lifesaver on getting through the discard and understanding what had happened to me. I am confident that I am not clinically depressed. My last therapy appointment was about a month ago and I am now 700 miles away.
I feel now that I should have given myself more time to heal before exposing myself to a completely new set of circumstances and uncertainty but I couldn’t have known that until I was in the situation. It is going to take time.
Thank you for this piece. I feel this is the very crux of our anguish. And, so many who hear and read about our experiences simply have never taken the same road because they don’t get it. I went through a time of terrible loss of beliefs and faith. Being what I considered a relatively bright woman, I fell hook, line, and sinker. Looking back, at first I thought it might be do to the fact that I was not a beauty by a long shot, chunky, but compassionate. However, I have read about the same situations from most stunning ladies, too.
In my rather New Age world, I felt there was “good in everyone.” I no longer believe this is accurate. This isn’t a “poor me” statement, but something about which I think one should be aware. M. Scott Peck’s book, People of the Lie, is right on the mark.
I stayed much too long always feeling I could change the backdrop…God Bless…
Oh, Becky! My ex once “innocently” told me that he thought I spent too much money on my hair, but that he understood that fat women needed to do that because they couldn’t wear pretty clothes like “normal” women could. I am a size 14. I had been with him several years at that point, felt confident in our relationship and had never had body image issues.
By the end, I wouldn’t undress in front of him.
Women of all shapes and sizes and who are not considered “beauties” are in normal relationships all around us. Normal people see through the eyes of love.
Raising society’s awareness that socipaths exist in common relationships is a tough task. Most folks think that they’d recognize the signs, as if morally deficient people breathe fire from their armpits or have other differentuating characteristics. The concept that they are the person next store, and they have no humanity, is difficult to conceive, unless and until it happens to you.
Even when folks are close to the victim, they still may resist the reality that about 4% of the population have character disorders. That’s the concept what books like Donna’s, mine, Lianne Leedom’s, and more are trying to mainstream.
Joyce
I had the same utopian view of ‘good in everyone’ and just like you, Becky, I came to see the horrendous naïveté in that line of thought. It was like a cloud suddenly lifting away, the moment I realized what was happening to me.
Thank you for this article. I too found myself after the separation thinking maybe this could work, getting those feelings of warmth especially because we have four children and I think we all want our partners to be the fathers of our children. This would quickly be followed by reality checks of threats insults abuse and name calling when my ex spath felt on the defense. And he was viscous. I didn’t know he was an spath which left me confused. At least now I know what and why these things happened. Over and over. Blaming you for what they r doing is huge. I wish I had known he was an spath during our marriage. But now I know and we are divorced which makes it much easier to stay away but I still find myself falling into his conversations advice and criticisms because I am normal feeling person. It is easier to stay away but hard when you share kids. So this is the huge challenge now….
I bought your book. The stories are so similar yet only those of us who have endured it really get it. Hopefully your information will add tot the awakening of society to psychopathy before too much more damage is done. Unfortunately, the knowledge is slow in coming and the ability to really grasp the sheer evil in congruent with our proponent value system that says everyone is good.
I too believed that. It is a warm and loving feeling of being part of humanity. And when it comes crashing down on us that the perfect relationship is and always has been a huge facade, we are left to rebuild from the ashes. The thought that a person you loved and trusted has purposely taken you hostage under the guise of love and marriage, tired deliberately to destroy your mind and spirit is unfathomable.
But we must trust that the unfathomable is true because there is no other explanation for it. It is not human disfunction. It is not human frailty. Nor is it even animal instinct turned bad. It is an ungodly pure evil. It is a creature in human form that is lacking all that is good, loving and decent. If I believed in the devil, I would say that is what they are.
I always felt I needed to have a masters of Psyco. to interept my husband ways. I’m a good person slow to anger. My ex seemed to have no emotional core. Any emotion he had was ,somehow, superficial. And didnt follow parameters.But the relationship was up and down. Just when i have enough, he would manage to bring everything back together again like nothing happened. Which would leave you scratching your head thinking, Im I nuts. I would never want to be in the mind of a sociopath for a minute,I think it would severely traumatise me. They do destroy your mind and spirit, I was so gullible. But at the same time a sociopath knows how to play you and work you, without conscience. They can sit there with a cold stare, saying I love you, your everything to me, your the world. But its a plot for some unforseen personal gain. Consistantly. My last straw was when he didnt show up home for the kids, so I go to my job. Found sitter last minute. Go to work late. In the end his excuse was, I did know you work today. I asked him what day it was? he said Monday. I said I’ve worked Mondays for the last 7 years. He said, you know how it is, you meet up with a friend have a couple beers and forget. I said, no I dont know! Then he changed his excuse. Says, oh, I mean I thought it was Sunday today. Beguiling look on his face. There was no humans being inside of him. I felt it. And of coarse the remedy, he says why get angry over something as insignificant as this. What the big deal. So your late to work once. So what. There not gonna fire you. He didnt see the big picture of what I went thru.
heart1,
I can relate to your story. It’s frustrating, isn’t it?
My husband has that same look when he says things to me. And he changes his story if I refuse any of it. Your husband asking if you work on Monday, you answer with the fact that you’ve worked on Monday for years….so he immediately changes and says that he was confused on what day it was. What? He just said something completely different and then changed it two sentences later. I can so relate.
My friends says my husband just throws excuses and stories out there hoping they will “stick”. If I reject any of it, he’ shrugs his shoulders and thinks “oh well, let me try this other story”
We had bought a house together in another state…I had moved while he stayed behind to wait for his house to sell. My mom was close to him and he had promised to be there for her if she needed anything. Early one morning I got a frantic call from my brother (who is an alcoholic and lives with my mom and is useless) that my mom had just been taken to the hospital in an ambulance and he had no information other than it looked very bad. I tried reaching my ex repeatedly at both his home and cell and no answer. Finally, I got a call back with him a little huffy about why so many messages and sounding strange (note, this was a man who always answered the phone or called me back within minutes). I told him the situation and that he needed to get to the hospital asap and find out what was going on, since my brother wasn’t capable. His response? Right now? I was just heading to the gym. At the time I accepted that and found another way. (!!!!) It didn’t occur to me until after the discard (which came quite quickly after this) that he had been in bed with his new victim and didn’t want to be disturbed.
HanaleiMoon,
What a sorry jerk! That’s as nice as I can put it.
My husband and I are separated but have been in counseling with him daily declaring his love for me.
Last November, my sweet daddy became very ill. The day before he died, he asked to see me, my brother and my husband. He could barely speak because his breathing was so weak, but he shared with each of us,individually, how much he loved us and how that seeking God was the true answer to life. It was a moment I treasure.
Afterwards, when my husband came out from speaking to my dad, he hugged me and I cried. Then I said to him “This is so hard. I need you right now” and do you know what he said to me? My husband of 21 years, as my dad was dying, said “You aren’t going to use this to manipulate me.” Then turned and walked away.
A stranger sitting nearby came over and put his arm around me and said that he had never seen someone be so cruel.
The next day my daddy died. That is a clear picture of who I’m married to.
Oh, HopingToHeal, that is heartbreaking. Thank God for that wonderful stranger who showed you kindness.
My own dad died almost 14 years ago. The man I was married to at the time (not the ex in the story above) wasn’t there for me in the least and I’ll leave it at that.
I’m sorry for the loss of your beloved daddy. It’s tough. I miss mine every day.
Hugs.
🙂
Yes. My ex excuses did not make sense, they were disorganized, lacked insight. Like complex games to mess your mind.
Thank you Stargazer for being so helpful to Platinum. Your words are very wise.
Thank you for your kind words, Donna. This site was a Godsend for me in 2008, so it is a true pleasure for me to give back to the community. I appreciate your compassion in running this site. Your commitment to helping others is truly inspirational to me.
As easily as I can give advice here, it continues to be an ongoing challenge to find a great man for myself. You and several other on here are my inspiration that it can happen. I wish I knew what I could do differently – it seems there really are a lot of jerks out there, and trying to find a man with depth is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I wish I could afford a dating coach. Funny how we always have a blind spot around our own weaknesses. This is why we all need each other. At least I’m practicing what I preach – I’m not leaping into bed/relationships right away. And it’s for the best. A lot of guys just looking for casual sex are weeding themselves out, and yes, they will lie and say all kinds of things – even the ones who are not sociopaths. There just seem to be so many of them (jerks), and an equal number of women in my age range willing to just throw themselves at these men. It seems the women are competing for men rather than the other way around where a man works to get a woman’s attention. I refuse to do this. This is my personal hell at the moment – it’s what I’m observing – and thanks for letting me rant about it.
I see the same thing, Stargazer. I don’t know your age, but I am mid fifties and I am shocked at how women behave so desperate and outwardly sexual. The men don’t even have to try. Heck, if they don’t try, they have even more women pursuing them. I hate to feel like I have to compete and I shouldn’t . But once I’m back out in that world, I dread the process!
Like Donna, I appreciate all of your advice here on LF. It is eye opening for sure.
never, ever compete Hoping to heal. tell them urself, i am worth the wait. i am a woman of quality. it will come up naturally in conversation. but wen you speak it, u have to believe it. u have to have gotten to that point. u have to be ready to “lose out on” many guys. even some good ones who are just jaded. but nothing is worth ur peace of mind.
i look at dating now as fun. thats it. maybe some knight on a black horse will come along, but for now, im just looking for fun. if i was pursuing a man, it wudnt change a thing, i wud just be twisted in knots all the time…and desperate. so hey, act like the guys and just be out having fun–RELATING, CONNECTING. not on deep levels. just making friends. the deep level will come wen its right. until then, you have ur self-respect and peace of mind and it forces u to develop a life outside of a man. nothing stifles someone more than having to be ur everything. i lived this on the side of having to be someone’s world. its a terrible burden. i thot *I* was needy lol. no one is so needy as a spath or disordered personality. they have nothing inside them. they live thru u, OFF OF UR ENERGY. dont be this person. give life, but dont give ur very essence. this is the balance ive come to see.
and that im rly not “needy or clingy” im just affectionate and passionate and involved and thats attractive actually! 🙂
Great advice! Hey, People do try to live off of our energy. I never though of that. Enlightening.
To be honest, Ain’t, I’m kinda looking forward to dating for fun. I’ve been a wife and stay at home mom for years. Now my baby is about to go off to college and I will enjoy meeting new people.
You’ve lightened my spirits at the thought of the fun of it all. Thanks!
Ain’t: I tell myself those things and I truly believe them. But I still get hurt when they leave. Love just hurts. It’s always a risk to begin to trust someone and open up to them. The guys I’m meeting aren’t sociopaths. But dang, there sure are a lot of players out there.
jerks, i just call them normal jerks lol
no one i want to get to know further but hey, they prob wont kill someones soul like a spath.
esp older men, just want one thing–no strings but all the bennies. they are happy in their boxers sitting around all Sat and Sun watching tv but Fri and Sat nite they wanna get sum. they dont wanna be cleaned up or have obligations. older men cud teach the young squirts a thing or about being playas! ~ick~
Hoping to Heal, I’m also in my mid-fifties, and I feel exactly the same way. I know that I’m extremely attractive, I am passable for 40’s, very intelligent, kind, and compassionate, and a lot of fun. But most of the men I meet who are also desirable, intelligent, attractive, and fun have SO many women to choose from! Younger women, gorgeous women, women who will have sex with them on the first date. How do I know? They TELL me these things! They tell me they are looking for someone like me. They even tell me that I’m someone they could totally fall for. But when it comes to courting, they just don’t/won’t. Too many available women out there they don’t have to court. They don’t even like to take a woman out to dinner anymore! They just want to “hang out”. It’s too much work to buy a woman dinner when they can go out and get laid any time. It’s sad and disgusting to me. I’ve been hurt several times over losing men I really liked because I refuse to compromise my morals. I will probably die alone with my morals, but this is my choice. There are a lot of players in their 40’s and 50’s just because they CAN.
they have so many women to choose from, but if they want to choose YOU, they have to win you. settling is just not an option. u have found lots of things to do to fill ur life. i cud find tons more to fill mine, esp as the yrs go by and kids grow up totally. BECUZ I WILL NOT SETTLE.
I AM WORTH IT.
I soooo believe this now. it DOES comfort me wen i think of life without a man. i put that vibe out, i know i do. i verbalize it. i verbalize it to young women. i want them to know. there is a worse life than being alone and that is being with someone—who is a spath, a normal jerk, a cad. REALLY REALLY REALLY.
start speaking it out. i am becoming more and more believing that my energy i put out is determining my life. i have had too many things happen in the past 2 mos alone that are directly related to my speaking out as i walk in the morning. its almost scary 🙂
I agree. But even when I kiss a guy, it is very intimate, and I still risk my heart. It still hurts when they turn out to be a jerk. Sometimes you just can’t know until you know.
This line of conversation is depressing but so accurate. I just turned 59. I’ve been out of the relationship with the ex for almost 3 years and am not close to considering dating…I wonder what the chances will be for me when I do decide it’s time.
I have always looked very young for my age but feel that the stress of the past few years has caught me up and then some. I’ve been told I’m fine, and I’m only seeing myself through exhausted and battered eyes and heart, and that with more time I will begin to look and feel more like myself again.
It doesn’t help that my ex (who is around the same age) spent years reminding me that after 45 women are basically invisible. I know that’s not completely true but still.
Like you Stargazer, I will probably die alone with my morals, but I’d like to hope there is a chance to meet a nice, basic man who would be happy to have me and treat me right. I guess time will tell.
HanaleiMoon, I tell myself that I only need one. So I keep kissing frogs. Rejection hurts. And I’ve had my share of it in the last several years. Sometimes it takes me a long time to get over it. Sometimes it’s a little easier. With this last one, it’s been a few months. I am now ready to write him a closure letter so I can move on without any lingering thoughts. I live a very fun life – I have some good friends. I dance several days/nights a week, and for most of that I’m the assistant teacher. I am very passionate, deep, magnetic, and interesting. I am drawn to men who are similarly powerful and magnetic. I don’t go for the mousy ones lacking in confidence. These guys I like usually sought after, and yes, they are popular. Even in my salsa classes and clubs, there are always more women, and the men have their pick. It’s a reality I have accepted. It doesn’t diminish who I am or what I want or how brightly I shine my light nor how much I love to dance and let that shine through.
For anyone who feels they have healed enough to start dating, I recommend the book “Love in 90 Days”. It talks about how to heal your faulty dating patterns and how to put yourself out there. She doesn’t really address the realities of there being so many more women than men in our age group, but I think we just need to look past that and move on. We only want one, right? There must be ‘one’ out there. I did read an article in Psychology today that addresses the issue and talked about how single older women deal with it (by dating beneath them, or living in cooperative situations with other women, or taking ‘lovers’ without commitments – basically, meeting the guys where they are at). I don’t care for any of that. 🙂
you know whats funny, now that ive decided to NOT date beneath me…im attracting the college educated men lol i never thot of it as dating beneath me but even in high school, several teachers wud ask me, is my new bf smart? lol it IS hard to deal with someone is not quick or just dumb, but my whole life ive had to do it. now its nice to see other men who are even well read =:0
i have lowered my impossible standards of physical looks tho. i can actually be attracted to guys who arent that attractive. but sloppy overweight, uhuh. they have to take care of themselves somewhat. and be able to move around without sweating lol
wat helps me too star, is that ALLLL the available men are sooo broken. i am giving them the pleasure of my (wonderful, vivacious, witty, kind) company; they best appreciate it or im gone.
that is SOOO UNTRUE. women over 45 are very visible. first u’ve got all the young men trying to simply have sex, they are very flattering even if insincere. then u’ve got all the older guys, say 60ish who are flattered you pay them any mind and will treat you very well. the men in their late 30s-mid 50s mite not be interested (altho i am not finding that the case) but so what?
this another L.I.E. the spath drilled in ur head. drill it back out. it was simply a way to keep u down, like the poster who wrote about being “fat” so she “spent too much money on her hair”. lies told over and over again are very effective propaganda. but theyre still LIES.
all men are always interested in all women, wen it comes down to it. WE are the ones who get to be picky. it was always this way and now its time to reinforce it again as older ladies. women have, can and do live without guys. most men can not live without a woman. they hate it lol