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The sociopath in my life: a journey to real healing

Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:

I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦

Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?

Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?


My experience with a sociopath

Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.

I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.

Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.

I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.

The larger purpose

God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.

I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.

But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.

It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.

In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.

Starting new chapters

To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.

To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.

I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.

We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.

The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.


Comment on this article

663 Comments on "The sociopath in my life: a journey to real healing"

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Donna-
Can’t wait to read it. And I am sorry you too had to go through what we all have in different ways.
And whileI most certainly agree- the sociopath experience has made me stronger, I do not believe in any way it was necessary. God uses everything, but psychopathic experiences are not rites of passage. I am not trying to put words in your mouth, but expressing my feelings on what happened to me.

I would have preferred someone had cared enough, or knew enough, or that I would have had insight enough to grow without going through what I did. And ironically I have come to believe there is NO ONE that is truly here for me nor am I for them- I have, or attempt to, turn completely over to God. It is safer and saner, IMO. Salvation, the final and everyday, is only found through faith and grace.

Thank you, Donna. It’s always good to hear of someone achieving true “revenge.” The revenge of living well.

as much as i never wanted to go though what ive been though. it has made me a better person. i ve changed. even though sometimes i miss my old self, i also like my new self. i look at people and relationships different. i watch any guy even friends behavior and maybe i judge too much but im more aware of poeples actions then ever before. i see some of my friends dating men that are not sociopath but are jerks and i just want them to sick up for themselves but they dont and you cant change people, b/c i sure as hell didt listen to anyone when they warned me about the bad man. you learn on your own. but i can tell you now what i want in a relationship with a man are completly different then before. anything that the x was i never want again. i learned that people dont change. i learned dont rush into any relationship, i need to see them in different situtions to really c what kind of person they are.

all i want is to go to dinner with a man or lunch. i dont want anything more then that. im not ready to give myself to anyone, or share my life with anyone. i gave myself for so long i need a break. being on your own still has its good parts

i do need to work on letting people treat me nice or do loving things for me. i dont know how to accept when people do nice things for me. i always want to be miss independent who can do it on my own, i dont need you attitude

Donna,

I think you are right. There is a bigger picture for each of us and… I think we are part of your bigger picture too. So much healing happens here. I needed an answer and if I hadn’t found one, I am not sure where I would be on the healing spectrum right now.

Indeed, I learned so much about myself from my time with the Bad Man. The learning about me began when I stopped wondering how to fix him or help him and started focusing purely on me. Nothing revolutionary about that… I am sure it has been the same for all of us.

I am in a relationship now after three solid years of nothing more than a few dates and more than 1,000 nights alone. This is someone I knew back in college but lost touch with about 7 years ago.

I have changed though. My sister just got married and it was quite the spectacle of “you are my everything” and “you make my world” and ” I can’t live without you.”

To me, this kind of thinking is gone. And… I think that is okay. I can not surrender my everything to someone else. It seems unwise, naive, and silly. There was a time when I was looking for someone to be my whole world.

Once I made a good man my whole world and he left.
Then I made a Bad Man my whole world and then, I left.

Both times, all I had was me in the end. A very neglected, confused, disappointed, broke, disallusioned and damaged.. ME.

The man in my life now is an ADDITION to my life. instead of all of my life.

I think that’s better.

Here’s to your continued happiness.

Aloha……… E

Aloha:

I have not posted here for a while, but I have to tell you that when I do make time to read, you always touch me in some way.

“Once I made a good man my whole world and he left.
Then I made a Bad Man my whole world and then, I left.

Both times, all I had was me in the end. A very neglected, confused, disappointed, broke, disillusioned and damaged.. ME.

The man in my life now is an ADDITION to my life. instead of all of my life.”

This deserved repeating.

Thank you. Thankyou. Thank you.

Donna,
What an amazing post. I too feel like my S came into my life to help me heal profound pain. I have sobbed buckets and gone through immense rage. And I feel like I have a ways to go, as this has brought up some primal early childhood anxieties. I experience them as blocked energy or bands of tension, and I have not been able to remove them myself. I am looking for someone in Denver who can do energy work/body work to help me with this. I feel that talk therapy is not enough. I know I will not be ready to date again until I can get past this. Therefore, I don’t feel lonely, just stuck. I don’t want a relationship that is anything like my last relationships where I became is some way dependent on the the other person.

The P was (I thought) everything I ever wanted in a man. Before I knew he was a P, I knew he was triggering some issues in me that I had to deal with. I would have needed some time apart from him to deal with them anyway. He just made it easier. It’s sad, however, that he couldn’t have been waiting for me when I was ready. I can only hope someone else will be, and that he will be the real deal.

Thanks again for your insightful article. I’m so glad you have found healing from your horrible ordeal.
StarG

Please tell me “there’s hope for me yet”,

When I first came across this site I looked like the little dog thing that people used to place in the back of their cars. My head kept shaking…yes, yes, yes..that’s him, he did that too, that’s how I felt. The first thing I thought was OMG I am not crazy. I cried..I had not cried the entire time I was with him ( I did not want him to know I was afraid or that he was breaking me down) and when the reality of what happened hit after reading several of the blog’s a flood gate was opened. Tears, snot…not being able to catch my breath. First I felt relief. I even got mad.
I posted a couple comments in the last couple months. All of them involved me pissing, moaning and whinning about the injustices I suffered while under my”now Ex’s” spell. I received many words of encouragment which helped to validate my concerns. I got angry enough to follow through with the divorce. I had to move 2000 miles to be safe and have the support of the family and friends I left for him to begin with. I received support but most just felt that I should just get over “it” the situation and go on with my life. However, when it came time to the divorce he did not cooperate at all. I went from asking for nothing, to everything to what ever the court felt just. He did not show or turn in any of the required financial paper work. The judge awarded me $1000.00 a month for 2 years. From what I hear he is not very happy, I gave up 45 years of belongings, a carerr, family, friends etc. to move where he lived and to marry him. He had said come here marry me, let someone take care of you for once in your life. You can do what ever you want, just help take care of the house so all I have to do is focus on work. Once I got there I started to see a lot of untruths, it was suddenly you can do what you want as long as I approve and if you do other wise you will be sorry.
Well, I think you have the picture. It was bad, really bad. Basically I escaped. I left with a couple paper ream box’s full of personal items pictures ect. and a couple plastic bags…that’s it. Started all over from scratch and he did not care I was living in a basement. Ok..my point is after all that , after getting some money for a little bit to help me pay back the money I have borrowed and to hopefully get back on my feet……I feel like crap…..It was never about the money. In fact it makes me feel like a prostitute who is going to be compensated on a payment plan for past services. I still can not think straight and my thoughts are all over the place. The worst part is…..last night I wanted to find his ex’ girlfriends address so I could ask why they broke up so I could try and validate weither I made the right decission or not. I wanted to book a flight so I could go and sit out in front of “his” house and say I am sorry. I am sorry I wanted to get a job, I am sorry I did not press your shirts the way you wanted me to, I am sorry I gave you soft apples….please, please please….let’s just try this all over. I have never felt so degrated or unimportant in my entire life and yet I think that somehow, I am so special that I am the one who can show him enough unconditional love so that he will suddenly wake up and be so greatful that he will become the worlds greatest husband and he will never ever disapoint me. That he will be kind, caring,loving, thoughtful ect.

I have had people tell me tey are glad that I got out because they were afraid he was going to kill me…and I still want to try one more time…..the unsinkable molly is sinking

Will I ever be able to string thoughts together that will make sense. Will I ever be able to stop wanting a do over with someone who could care less about me.

Molly! People don’t change. If you ever did go back..and I know you will not, it will be the same thing over again. You’ll have to escape all over again.

I went looking for the ex too…I wrote to her. We talked. He was the same crappy guy to her too and she is glad the past is behind.

As a matter of fact, all the exes kicked him to the curb eventually. But before they did, he took, and took, and took.

Yes, Molly, of course there’s hope for you! You believed you would be the person who could help him change. But as Iwonder says, people like this don’t change. There is so much literature on this type of personality and how the only way to relate to them is NO CONTACT whatsoever.

Once you are away from him and the legal issues are resolved, now you can start going inside and healing yourself so you don’t have to go through that again! It is hard work, but it is the real heart of healing.

Molly Yes you will be able to put a string of thought’s together that will make sense. You will recover from this. You need to mourn the loss of who you thought he was. And you need to look deep into yourself and ask why and how did this happen? This is a Life Lesson don’t fail it…but yes it get’s easier one minute at a time – one day at a time – time and self healing is the only thing you can do right now. To go back to him is like a drug -it only last a few days and then you are right back in the nightmare. It’s going to hurt but you will not like this for long – give yourself time……….

Thank you Iwonder,

How do you know that it was’ent you. How do you know your not wrong? How do you know that you did not take things to personally? How do you know that you did not over exagerate what really happened? How do you know that you were not just overly sensitive. How can you forgive yourself if you have made a mistake and it was you and not him who was the problem? How do you know that you are not crazy. And if you were right, how can you ever, ever trust again. How can you not scare the living sh#t out of the next person you might even be thinking of taking another chance with.
Do you ask for date of birth, Social security #, blood and urine sample, 3 previous relationship references ect?

How do you ever start to feel again?

Thank you

Molly,
I’ve been out of the relationship 5 months and a lot has transpired to open my eyes. First, when i contacted the wife, she told me he wouldn’t let her out of the house..unless they were together. She felt like a caged animal inside 4 walls. He did not want her to work. He told her not to wear jewelry. He cut her off from her family and friends. He accused her of looking at guys and cheating. They fought constantly. He spit in her face and called her a whore.

The only difference with me was that I had to work. He did not like it and called the office 20 times a day to see if I was talking to guys. He wanted me to wear certain clothes…jackets to cover my butt and shirts that buttoned up to the neck. His jealousy got me fired. Then he wanted me to find a job working out of the house. We fought. He spit in my face and called me a whore too. He has 7 kids out there with different moms he abandoned. Obviously, he does not love a woman enough to stay very long…or…he abuses them to the point they leave.

It’s the same pattern Molly! It’s not me! IT’S NOT YOU EITHER. I just had the luck to speak with the ex and she was kind enough to speak with me!

Now he’s on to a new victim. She’s probably getting hammered too.

Sleep well tonight Molly, knowing that you are not getting trashed or abused. Knowing that the devil is not in your space…and that God is protecting you from ever going back there.

The Bible tells us, ask and you will receive. So, if you want a loving man who truly cares for you, God will not let you be with this person again. God Bless.

yep sounds like the result of living with a sociopath to me – they make you think you are crazy – please order this book Meaning from Madness by richard skerritt it saved my life

Henry,

Thanks for reminding me about “one day at a time”. It is funny that you likened the relationship to a drug. Yesterday I celebrated 6 years of sobriety. How I got through all this, this far without drinking is beyond me. But you are right…I must look at him like a drink or drug. There is no such thing as just one….I know if I drink again, I will die. If I would go back with him the samething could happen. I hope someday I stop feeling guilty for telling the truth about how I feel about my relationship with him. I think I will always hope I am wrong. Who wants to believe that the person they have loved there entire life “might be a sociopath”. I hope I am wrong.

Thanks stargazer….

One more comment about me knowing it’s him and not me. My ex S knows it’s him and he just can’t or doesn’t know where to start on changing. One time after a fight, he said to me, “don’t you think I’ve seen the same tears over and over again from women?” “I just can’t control it” (the temper that is.) I said, “so, you have no control over yourself???” PA LEEZE. They know exactly what they are doing. It was just a comment for me to feel pity for him. To try to help him, fix him. I couldn’t fix him. Couldn’t help him.

Thanks Iwonder and Henry

I will try and get the book.

I try and sleep well, but I keep waking up at the same time I had to wake up when I was with him. I am doing all I can to get a better night sleep. Actually, my boss and his sister just bought me a very comfortable mattress and box spring. It was the only thing I had left to make my new “abode” complete. As, I look around I am so very greatful that I had a wonderful support system to come back to. Everything in my new little apartment has been given to me by friends and strangers. What more could I ask for.

Iwonder at first I was mad at GOD.
After I got married my husband told me…you are now my wife and I am your husband…you will be submissive and obediant…I thought he was kidding..but he was not…he even pointed out to me that god said this in the bible.
Today, I believe that god did for me what I could not do for myself. I kept thinking that he was not anwsering my prayers. I would beg god every night to please help me MAKE my marriage work. I would wake up the next day and it only seemed to get worse. I do not know if it is true or not. But now I believe that God did for me what I could not do for myself…maybe it did not get better, because he wanted me to become afraid enough so I would leave?

Molly: Wow!! My ex said the same crap to me! “It’s in the Bible that the man is dominant over the woman. She has to submit!” That doesn’t mean we are supposed to be treated like objects to be done with as the man pleases. No. No. No. My neighbor is a minister and we just had this conversation yesterday. The exes are misinterpreting the Bible to their liking.

God didn’t want you to hurt anymore. He took you out of a miserable situation. Had your husband known God, he would have respected and loved you…not hurt you.

I don’t believe God wants anyone to hurt anyone else….emotionally or physically.

Yeah, my ex told me I had to submit. One day, I asked him to do me a favor and stop by the dry cleaners (since i wasn’t allowed to go there myself in case I looked at guys.) He snapped and said “why don’t you go? you go by yourself anyway behind my back, don’t you?” I defended myself and he grabbed me by the throat. It was at that point I knew things would only get worse and he was on the verge of getting physically abusive.

Thank God there was another woman he had on the side to go to…I could just imagine what was coming down the pike should he have stayed. God took me out of that situation…even if it hurt.

Thanks Henry!!

IWONDER..The very first time I asked my Husband to do something for me was the day after I got out of the cardiac unit of a hospital. I needed him to get my prescription filled, it was not important to him and he seemed to want to do it when he was good and ready. I waited in till he was in the shower and I went into the next room so I would be far away from him. Then I lost it, I yelled from the other room (I finally felt safe enough to yell) I said I was sick of feeling like I did not matter. “I had driven my self to the immidiate care clinic..when I arrived they called an ambulance and rushed me to the hospital”. Anyway, I yelled I am not supose to drive, don’t you get it…I am supose to take it easy”. I then left and went to get my medicine. When I returned there was $500.00 on the bed and he obviously pack a bag. I called one of his friends..later that night the friend called and said that he was ok but just needed some space to deal with things. I thought wait a minute…I was the one who ended up in a cardiac unit…when my husband came to see me he kept falling asleep, when I told him to leave he said he was worried about me, then in the next breath he said “I had to clean the cat litter box (his cat) and by the way we were out of milk ect. I could not believe his friend was seirous when he said..this has been hard on him. My husband finally called me 3 days later and said..I just want you to know I have not used and I have not killed myself. All I could say was thank you for letting me know. He called again a few days later and said the samething but added..I just want you to know I have not taken my wedding ring off….What was that supose to mean.

I am still wanting anwsers. I still want someone to tell me why? I still want to know what my part was in all this.

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.
Thank you so very much!!!!

molly I have been blogging here for 6 months, reading everybodys post, have read a stack of books about sociopaths narcissist phycopaths borderline’s cluster B’s, the one thing I can assure you from my point of view is you will never understand HIM – you will never find REASON – and at some point we stop looking for answers and stop putting all our energy into US – they are a big mystery – we can educate ourselves about them but unless you have been involved with one you will never understand why we ask so many questions, and I realize that to try to figure out what happened only holds us back sometimes there just are no good answers

Dear Molly,

I wonder if your husband’s “Bible” had the passage in it that commands a husband to “love your wives, even as you love yourself”? Obviously that line had been cut out of his!

Molly, I believe very much that our God protects us, and cares for us, and I have faith that God saved my life from the Psychopaths in my family who were literally trying to kill me, but there were some LESSONS there, and I didn’t “get the lessons” the first few times, and I had to take “remedial psychopath” over a couple of times, but in the end, I finally got the spiritual lesson from the psychopaths and about the psychopaths.

The reassurance I get from the verse that “ALL things work together for GOOD to those that Love the Lord” has kept me going when I didn’t see a reason to keep going.

EVil exists in this world and some people chose to do evil, to act evil, to be evil, and even though these people hurt us to the core, we can grow spiritually and emotionally and in every other way from these encounters. Just as weight lifting makes your muscles stronger, emotional challenges make our minds and hearts and our spirits stronger. (((hugs))))

Molly

Yes you will and can get thru all this and more if you need too.. But it takes time and a lot of work. Here I need to recap on what Donna Andersen wrote:

“But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.”

Learning reading and studying all one can about this subject is what we need to do. Some of it will give you reassurance support and still some of it will just put you in a “another” state of astonishment. I would read the book Henry recommended but I would also like to recommend reading Patricia Evans book: Controlling People “How to recognize, Understand and deal with people who try to control you”.. This book I am now reading is “spellbinding”! I can’t even put in down.. It is one really good book and a must read for us all…

Excellent insights on this thread. Aloha – you are so right – I remember a very good therapist once saying a good relationship is like this (puts hands together as if to pray palms facing) not like this (clasps hands together with fingers entwined). In other words, each person in the relationship is strong and seperate, but close together, not enmeshed and merged into one.

I feel I am done with most of the emotional pain, and am presently doing what Donna did, trying to find and chase $$$ions that my ex P stole from my business. The thing is I cannot afford the forensics, but have evidence of stuff he did that would make life VERY difficult for him.

But here is the rub. Can I put my kids through the hell that would be unleashed if I charge him?

He is giving me very little in the way of options, as he is claiming all my assets and saddling me with massive debt that I had no part in creating. Any suggestions, insights, advice??

To get back to the topic of healing and does the pain revisit, I would like to add that in my waking hours I have nothing but disgust for him and his actions, I see clearly now what he is, and still am processing how I could have chosen to be blind ( as in eyeswideshut) all those years.

But every once in a while I wake from a vivid dream where he is with me. He is very close to me and helping me with some task, he is being gentle and kind and loving, he is well dressed and handsome and sexy. In my dream I am being sucked back in and warming to his presence. In my dream I start to say NO no no, and then I wake up.

What I have realized is that the dream is the longing for the “imaginary” him. The partner I created in my head, the one he helped me construct with all his lies, the false “nice guy – upstanding family man, provider etc” that I thought was my husband.

And yes I do mourn losing “him”. I mourn that “he”was never real, that I shared a life with “him” and loved him but he never existed. “He” was there for me and loved me back, but that too was a hollowgram.

Having come from neglect and abuse as a child, and struggled with poor relationship choices until I met him in my late twenties, I was ripe for the picking. Desperate for a “normal” relationship, the stability of marriage, his mirage of a good husband, successful businessman etc was irresistable to me after years of struggling as a single parent.

So Southern man, I would say, yes there is an empty spot, a sad place left behind, but it is the empty spot left by the shattered illusion of who we thought we knew and loved, I think, it is missing “the one” we ourselves helped create.

In lighter moments I think of it like finding out about Santa and the tooth fairy, the easter bunny and so on. Except of course for the fact that they (the P’s) rip out our hearts on the way through, they are fantasies. Total make believe.

(((Happy Healing to all)))

Amen and again thank you Donna for all your help.

Dear Eyeswideshut,

There was a time when I dreamed and dreamed and dreamed vivid dreams of trying to talk to “them” and convince them, over and over and over, the dreams had a “theme”though they were not identical, but I finally realized that they were telling me how I had been “enabling” and not taken care of myself at all. After that, the dreams ended as if they had finally gotten their point across and now I didn’t need to send myself messages in my dreams any more about that point. LOL

I know going after them legally has a “PRICE” to us and our children, not ONLY in money but in energy and emotion. There is no one but you who can determine if the “price” is “worth” what you are getting. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t.

I have come to an acceptance of the “price” I had to pay for my peace—and even Looking back I am satisfied that I GOT A BARGAIN. I got the Ps out of my life, and I won’t recover the money it cost me, but IT WAS WORTH EVERY CENT to get my DIL out of my son’s home and into jail where she belonged.

I look at the story in the Bible of Job, and though I don’t compare my suffering in intensity to his (he lost the lives of his children etc) there are a great many parallels, and now I too have been “restored” 10 fold to what I had before as far as happiness and contentment are concerned.

It sounds like you are making some good progress in your healing and I am so glad for you! I pray that each of us reaches that spot that one day we roll over in our beds and realize “I’m HAPPY!”

Donna,

I am looking forward to reading your book. The title speaks so true to the experience, “Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing”. It’s marvelous. Truly. I am amazed by the spiritual journey that appears to come as part and parcel to the P experience. I don’t find that a coincidence either.

Through these experiences, no matter how horrid they may be, we find out in the end what is true about ourselves vs. this world. We are defined by our spirit, our core, and not by the materialistic things of this world including the temporary and transient mindset of today.

I have found through my experience that even though my heart can be broken and my body can be broken, no one and nothing of this world will ever break my spirit! My responsibility is to nurture my spirit and protect it so that I can continue to live a life of giving and serving and loving without fear. It takes wisdom and obedience and walking in the truth to do that.

Thanks for your post 🙂

“Lucy”

Wow it feels like forever since I’ve posted here! I don’t even know if I already shared this but I took a respite to study for my LPC exam and thankfully passed it last month. That is the grace of God right there! Now I am “Lucy”, LPC (licensed professional counselor) :)) Oxy, I can hang my sign up now and start charging! Do you think I can raise my fee from 5 cents? LOL

I’d like to thank all of you here on LF. It sounds funny but I couldn’t have made it this far without all of you. It is amazing how God places people in our lives and provides for our needs. I know this site has been an answer to prayer for so many of us.

In this past year you’ve all reminded me on a daily basis, through your posts and sharing with one another, that we are all OK and we’re not the insane ones! We’ve been through more than we bargained for but the wisdom we’ve gained, whether we feel it or not, is priceless.

Spreading our wisdom to others both here and in our daily lives is not only taking back who we are but becoming more fully who we are intended to be…loving, kind, forgiving, responsible, trustworthy and genuine, just to name a few… We have been deeply wounded by our experiences but we are rising victorious over those who have harmed us. The fact that we hurt is, crazy to say, a reason to rejoice. It means we can FEEL. We choose to feel. We experience life in a way that allows us to grow. We are raising the bar of expectations in others to restore it to a place where it should be. To say no more to the selfishness in our culture and the ego-driven men and women who for whatever reason feel it is OK to walk on others or take from others to satisfy their greed. We are not to be walked on because we count and if we don’t stand up and say that for ourselves, who in this crazy world of ours will?

That’s where my screen name came from. I am taking me back and no longer allowing anyone to define me or to tell me what’s right. I am a Christian and as such I follow one God and his name is not Frank or any other man or woman who has tried to tear me down rather than build me up. That is not love. So I choose love and I choose truth. I see the same in all of us here trying to figure out how to heal our wounds and how to live within a society virtually breeding the ego-mentality. I see all of us taking back what is good and true and saying no more.

I truly pray that the changes that come from our lives through these horrid experiences ends up rippling out far and wide. To me it’s about change and about holding others accountable for who they are and what they do. Even if living a life to model that is the only way I can do it, I will do it. I may not get money back or materialistic things back or hear apologies that I am owed. In the end the only thing that matters to me is whether I’m living a life that God is pleased with, that I’m following His plan for me, and that I’m somehow making a positive mark on this world.

I continue to pray for everyone on here and to be thankful that we’ve all been led to LF…a place where we can rant and rave, share and learn, laugh and love and GROW. Here we experience all of life…together.

“Lucy”

Thank you sooo much everyone for your comments, suggestions and sharing your experiences, strengths and hopes. I litteraly was ready to purchase a plane ticket on my plastic fly to where I escaped from…sit in front of his door and demand that he explain to me “what the hell happened”. I wanted to “make” him look at me in the eye and explain to me from the very moment that we got back together what his motives were………..you have once again given me hope.

Henery were on the internet do I go to get that book you suggested.

Donna, I owe you my life for starting this blog. You took something bad and did something good with it. I was recently asked to be part of a story on DV in a local magazine. At first I said yes, after the interview I realized everything I told was the truth and I literally became ill. I called the reporter and told her I changed my mind. I am 2000 miles away and still afraid of him. However, I recently called her back and went through with it as all of you inspired me. I am not going to be a chicken $hit anymore..even if it does cost me my life. If I can help even one person think twice it would be worth it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you…”NOSINK…Molly”

Molly,
I certainly understand about wanting an explanation. I wish I had a dollar for every time I wanted to call my ex and say, “what the hell happened?” as if I could reason with him like a normal person. Fortunately, I found this site and didn’t do it. I can honestly say that the desire to “understand” goes away over time. You can never understand the sociopathic thinking, and that’s actually a good thing!
StarG

Dear Molly,
You hang in there!! Asking a P what happened is like asking Haninibal Lechter for a bedtime story. You will get only more lies and twisted logic, blame heaped on you, and absolutely NO satisfaction.

Hang out here on the blog and leave him to his own devices. It is interesting that both Dr. Martha Sout and Dr. Hare conclude that for socio’s life is usually a downward spiral. When they have used people up and played out their fantasies they eventually end up alone and none to well off.

We on the other hand are free of their nonsense, are able to enjoy loving freindships and relationships, are honest in our daily lives and YES Oxy, one day we do roll over in bed and say
I AM HAPPY! This is our natural state, absent the crazy making of a P. 🙂

Cheers

I can’t wait for the day I turn over and say “I am happy” because I am FARRR from it right now. I have been having nightmares everynight, waking up constantly, very early in the am, and then he is the FIRST thing when I regain consciousness, giving me a terrible start every morning with terrible knots in my stomach. I just feel stuck. I want answers too. I hate that it was ALL A JUST A SICK LIE, when I was in some dumb fantasy world, honestly thinking (in the beginning) “THIS IS IT-EVERYTHING I”VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.” HOW do they DO IT??!?!?HOW do they KNOW? They have mastered their manipulation. UGH! I feel like I have been stripped, hollowed out and there is nothing but a carcas of me left.

I can’t tell you how many times he said to me “What’s wrong with me?” He has said “I became addicted to your love, I’m sorry I can’t return it, I wish I could but I can’t, you deserve better” or “I don’t want you to love me” and numerous times “I’ll be happier without you,” but then always came back after days. But, was any of that real? Are there times, even very rarely that they KNOW what they are doing, like when he would ask me “what’s wrong with me”? He told me, after I said to him that he treats women like s**t and it wasn’t me, that several women he “dated” (but really just used for sex) in the past told him that he will end up alone. So it is a pattern, it’s not just me. So why can’t I get enough confidence to just shut him out and say I DESERVE BETTER! Why can’t I just let go?!? WHy do I keep fooling myself that he will wake up and REALIZE someday/ Why should I even CARE? TOO little TOO late, right? But I feel like I would totally give in if he called me right now. I just feel lost.

Letgoletgod, You do deserve better!!!! We all do! What we need most is the better part of ourselves back. I am failing in the resistance of men of this sociopathic character. Just as you would give in to the phone call, I too would do the same. It feels shameful and degrading, stripping yet again a layer of you.

I am working on the realization, understanding and once again the strength to overcome the pull, the hold and brake from the chains. Getting the confidence to just shut him out comes in time, it is a difficult process. Believe me I know, this isn’t my first time around, unfortunately. And I think it is just that…we fool ourselves, coupled with their aluring ways to keep us stuck and wishing that they will change. They won’t and we have to!

Thanks change06.
It’s just so unfair that he is consuming my life, my happinesss, polluting the air i breathe. Its so unfair that i have wasted sooo much time on him, thinking about him, revolving my life arund HIM, and i was jsut NOTHING but a mere flavor of the week to him. And yet, I CONTINUE to spend just as much time, still, considering how much is already wasted, I just want it to go away! I just want the memory of him to just go away. I wish I never met him, and I hate to say this, but i regret a lot of the past year. Sure, I am learning alot, and maybe this is what i needed to become stronger and create boundaries for myself, but geez, what a waste he was and still is. Just takin up space in my mind, heart and life. Actually, he is the only stress i have in my life, when it comes down to it. So, that leads me to think maybe, since I enabled it so willingly, I was the one who loves the drama? Sure, they suck, but am I just doing this to myself because I am the one who needs the craziness because I am bored? Maybe I am the one who is twisted. I would hate to thinks so, but i KNOW I deserve better, so what the heck is MY problem? What is wrong with ME?

Letgoletgod, What is wrong with you is what is wrong with many us. We believe the lies, we are conned, we are manipulated and we are always left reaching for what was a facade created. It happens to the best of us.

However, if we are to be true to ourselves and look in the mirror not only on the wall but within us then we can heal. Understanding why we allow to be in the predicament helps. Realizing that we do deserve a better us in order to receive a better someone is the start. Work on what is good for you.

I am no expert and I am actually opening my eyes to another situational pit fall, yet again. It is hard but it does get easier. I am hoping for myself that I gained some strength and knowledge that I am recognizing the red flags early enough not to get myself in a state of insanity, disppair, my head spinning and my heart aches so much to the point of sickness.

With the healing process you must try to find the answer about yourself and why. What association of need was there, or is there? I too question my obsession with these men who just keep me in mental, emotional bondage until I am gasping for air.

Don’t allow him to consume you any longer and take back you. In turn you will be able to be happy again, realize the wasted time was time you learned and be able to breathe again, a good deep breathe.

“we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.”

**
thank you for that, for that is what happened to me. in therapy, i learned what had made me susceptible. it took several years, but i am a much different, much more content person today.

content.
last night, for the first time in years, i used that word; content. i actually felt completely content. i didn’t need one thing except what i had … a fluffy pillow, clean sheets and a warm blanket, the debate, and a bowl of popcorn
10 weeks with NC … good riddance!

Good for you LG! it sounds ideal and nice 🙂

DEar LIG,

Hang on to that contentment, it is what will bring you through this, bring you to PEACE. Today I celebrated my CONTENTMENT, I counted my blessings. My blessings so outnumber the things I could even wish for that I am determined to FOCUS on the POSITIVE, to celebrate the good in my life.

The book I am reading now, “Self Matters” is so uplifting and validates the way I have been working for the past few weeks, focusing on the positive things. Takeing responsibility for having a good day or a bad day. I have a choice and I CHOOSE to have a good day–today—and not worry about tomorrow or worry about yesterday or anything in the past. Today is the ONLY important day in my life. If I take care of today then I am happy and I am content.

It’s a while new way of looking at things for me. I’ve always been a worrier, tryhing to figure ot what to do, but not focusing on my own happiness, my own needs, but focusing on and worrying about what to do to make others happy, to meet their need, to fix or take care of them….hurry hurry hurry like a rat on a wheel. I won’t hurry any more, I won’t guilt myself for not “Doing enough” or “Not accomplishing enough” IT WILL WAIT. I will only do what I can do, and the rest can wait.

It’s all about attitude and I can take back my POWER TO CONTROL MY ATTITUDE. If my attitude is good, if I feel the power to take back my life, I CAN TAKE BACK MY LIFE. I HAVE TAKEN BACK MY LIFE.

Tonight my son D and I were talking and he has noticed a difference in me over the last few weeks, that I am more upbeat, etc. That I laugh more, care more about my surroundings, about life…etc. So it is even apparent to those around me.

D and I talked about the time in the past when I wouldn’t/couldn’t focus and take back my power. I felt hopeless and helpless, but slowly I gained strength and kept on the bumpy road to healing, got up when I skinned my knees and kept on plugging. It wasn’t instant or easy, but now that I am POWERFUL again, more powerful than I have ever been–LIFE IS WONDERFUL, LIFE IS GOOD. I thank God for holding my hand through the “valley of the shadow of death” and brining me to “green pastures.”

LIG Way to go!!! I like lot’s of butter on my popcorn!!!! It get’s easier – even if I whine alot on here it does get better. Orvill Redenbacher is a nice man……he is always good!!!!

Ox: You always have a good book to read. Maybe you can list all the titles and authors in a blog so i can print out the list.

I do believe in what you wrote about deciding the kind of day you are going to have. It worked for me in the past. I remembered what I used to do and will start doing it again. I used to say to myself in the car in the morning on the way to work “no matter what happens today. no matter who tries to rain on my parade or whatever difficulties are thrown my way, I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY…NO MATTER WHAT.” It always worked.

Dear Wonderwoman,

I read and reread books that I have found helpful (I am a book-a-holic) because it helps refresh my memory for the positive things to do to make my life better. Each book has something unique in it that some of the others don’t, a slant on optimisim, or spirituality, or boundaries, psychology, etc. I also read the scriptures, usually daily, looking at some of the “old stories” in a new light, trying to learn new things from differnt ways of looking at various concepts, such as forgiveness—what does it really mean? Forgiving MYSELF, and believe it or not, there are several passages in the new testement that actually describe and suggest NO CONTACT, “not even to eat with them” with abusers who are unrepentent.

Learning to undo 60 years of poor programming in my life is practically a “full time job” LOL

Hi Ox: Yes. The best book of all…the Bible. I try to read a little before bedtime and then say my prayers and go to sleep. I need to get back to church more though. I only go once a month. I know there are liars even in the church but I feel good when I go.

Wow, look at all the good posts I missed today.

Letgoletgod: I just want to say that you have taken the first and most important step by realizing that the P is not good for you. I believe that in time, your heart will follow. Just remember that no matter how bad it gets, don’t call the P. (I think you’re in no contact, but I’m not sure). Blog with us instead.

OxD: I do believe on a fundamental level happiness is a choice. We can all choose to be happy, and even when we’re suffering, we can change our thought process to one of gratitude that we are able to feel. And that will raise our vibration again. There are so many times I went to my hated office job forcing a smile on my face and acting happy. Then one day I noticed I was actually happy at work. My experience of that job completely turned around. It’s a trick of the mind that when you tell yourself you’re happy, you can actually start feeling that way. And vice versa.

Dear Lib,

Sorry it took so long but I wanted to say…

You’re welcome! You’re welcome! You’re welcome!

I am thrilled when anything I say helps anyone out there as LoveFraud helped me TREMENDOUSLY!

Aloha…. and all the best!

E

hey henry: for all we know redenbacher is a sociopath! lol.
not to mention, here in nyc, a large jar of his popcorn — 24 oz or so — costs over 7 bucks. what the…?! i went with the cheap stuff, but it was good anyway. ain’t popcorn just popcorn?

ox: i am also reclaiming my power. i was a worrier too, but mostly it was about what my ex was up to, how i was going to keep him, blah blah blah. geez, what was i thinking? even if he wasn’t the most malignant of s/p/n’s, why focus on any man like that!? although, i guess if he wasn’t completely effed up, i would not have been worried.
others have started to notice a difference in me too, but more importantly, i see the difference in myself. i’ve lost my anger at the world (my ex), i’ve dropped the chip from my shoulder (my ex), i got rid of what was making me irritable and mean and sad (my ex).
NC is critical. at least once a day i still want to call him and plead for him to tell me why he stopped loving me, or i want to hear in his voice if he is angry or not. but i haven’t. and i think about that less and less. it’s all about wanting him to be the same miserable, anxious, distracted lunatic he was with me. i’m sure he is, but i’m not going to be happy until i care nothing about him. bad habits are hard to break, but we’re on our way, eh?
love to all.
and…
TOWANDA!!!!

i just got an email from my ex saying….

Hi, are you alive?

i wont respond and i continue to be dead to him. hopefully he will give up. does he actully think im going to speak to him even after all these lies he continues to make about me 4 months since we have been broken up?

Blondie,

I love his question. It’s designed to make you think that he might actually be in pain if he found out you weren’t. It’s designed to make you reassure him (care take).

Because he NEEDS you. That’s probably coming next.

Here’s the thing. YOU ARE ALIVE AND WELL! But he is dead TO YOU! No need to communicate with ghosts.

:o)

Thanks Aloha…funny thing is i learned this time. i learned who is truly is and to not fall for lines that is just might care about me. i know his behavior and all the games he plays.

ps…i love to get everyone else opinon on here, its such a great form of support!

I just read Donnas entry here and it made me cry. Wow, really powerful stuff. I totally see how I was suseptible to the sociopath. Coming out of a 7 year marriage with a man who raged and who bragged of treating women badly. I dated the sociopath while going through the divorce and there after. I didn’t find his raging strange or his stories of treating women badly strange. My new rule in my life, is the second a man tells me about treating a women badly, they are out! Gone, no further discussions. I always thought “I am special, they love me, they would never do that to me”. Well, I am here to tell myself, that yes they would and I would be next.

Donna:

Thanks for this poignant article. I’m trying my best to put this awful experience behind me. I truly feel that forgiveness of oneself and the perpetrator is the solution.

I’m working on forgiveness at this point. It’s the only way to move on with my life. I’m tired of dwelling and ruminating about the evilness of a lowlife, parasite, pan handler, etc….

Thanks everyone.

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