Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
Thank you, Donna. It’s always good to hear of someone achieving true “revenge.” The revenge of living well.
Donna-
Can’t wait to read it. And I am sorry you too had to go through what we all have in different ways.
And whileI most certainly agree- the sociopath experience has made me stronger, I do not believe in any way it was necessary. God uses everything, but psychopathic experiences are not rites of passage. I am not trying to put words in your mouth, but expressing my feelings on what happened to me.
I would have preferred someone had cared enough, or knew enough, or that I would have had insight enough to grow without going through what I did. And ironically I have come to believe there is NO ONE that is truly here for me nor am I for them- I have, or attempt to, turn completely over to God. It is safer and saner, IMO. Salvation, the final and everyday, is only found through faith and grace.
as much as i never wanted to go though what ive been though. it has made me a better person. i ve changed. even though sometimes i miss my old self, i also like my new self. i look at people and relationships different. i watch any guy even friends behavior and maybe i judge too much but im more aware of poeples actions then ever before. i see some of my friends dating men that are not sociopath but are jerks and i just want them to sick up for themselves but they dont and you cant change people, b/c i sure as hell didt listen to anyone when they warned me about the bad man. you learn on your own. but i can tell you now what i want in a relationship with a man are completly different then before. anything that the x was i never want again. i learned that people dont change. i learned dont rush into any relationship, i need to see them in different situtions to really c what kind of person they are.
all i want is to go to dinner with a man or lunch. i dont want anything more then that. im not ready to give myself to anyone, or share my life with anyone. i gave myself for so long i need a break. being on your own still has its good parts
i do need to work on letting people treat me nice or do loving things for me. i dont know how to accept when people do nice things for me. i always want to be miss independent who can do it on my own, i dont need you attitude
Donna,
I think you are right. There is a bigger picture for each of us and… I think we are part of your bigger picture too. So much healing happens here. I needed an answer and if I hadn’t found one, I am not sure where I would be on the healing spectrum right now.
Indeed, I learned so much about myself from my time with the Bad Man. The learning about me began when I stopped wondering how to fix him or help him and started focusing purely on me. Nothing revolutionary about that… I am sure it has been the same for all of us.
I am in a relationship now after three solid years of nothing more than a few dates and more than 1,000 nights alone. This is someone I knew back in college but lost touch with about 7 years ago.
I have changed though. My sister just got married and it was quite the spectacle of “you are my everything” and “you make my world” and ” I can’t live without you.”
To me, this kind of thinking is gone. And… I think that is okay. I can not surrender my everything to someone else. It seems unwise, naive, and silly. There was a time when I was looking for someone to be my whole world.
Once I made a good man my whole world and he left.
Then I made a Bad Man my whole world and then, I left.
Both times, all I had was me in the end. A very neglected, confused, disappointed, broke, disallusioned and damaged.. ME.
The man in my life now is an ADDITION to my life. instead of all of my life.
I think that’s better.
Here’s to your continued happiness.
Aloha……… E
Aloha:
I have not posted here for a while, but I have to tell you that when I do make time to read, you always touch me in some way.
“Once I made a good man my whole world and he left.
Then I made a Bad Man my whole world and then, I left.
Both times, all I had was me in the end. A very neglected, confused, disappointed, broke, disillusioned and damaged.. ME.
The man in my life now is an ADDITION to my life. instead of all of my life.”
This deserved repeating.
Thank you. Thankyou. Thank you.
Donna,
What an amazing post. I too feel like my S came into my life to help me heal profound pain. I have sobbed buckets and gone through immense rage. And I feel like I have a ways to go, as this has brought up some primal early childhood anxieties. I experience them as blocked energy or bands of tension, and I have not been able to remove them myself. I am looking for someone in Denver who can do energy work/body work to help me with this. I feel that talk therapy is not enough. I know I will not be ready to date again until I can get past this. Therefore, I don’t feel lonely, just stuck. I don’t want a relationship that is anything like my last relationships where I became is some way dependent on the the other person.
The P was (I thought) everything I ever wanted in a man. Before I knew he was a P, I knew he was triggering some issues in me that I had to deal with. I would have needed some time apart from him to deal with them anyway. He just made it easier. It’s sad, however, that he couldn’t have been waiting for me when I was ready. I can only hope someone else will be, and that he will be the real deal.
Thanks again for your insightful article. I’m so glad you have found healing from your horrible ordeal.
StarG
Please tell me “there’s hope for me yet”,
When I first came across this site I looked like the little dog thing that people used to place in the back of their cars. My head kept shaking…yes, yes, yes..that’s him, he did that too, that’s how I felt. The first thing I thought was OMG I am not crazy. I cried..I had not cried the entire time I was with him ( I did not want him to know I was afraid or that he was breaking me down) and when the reality of what happened hit after reading several of the blog’s a flood gate was opened. Tears, snot…not being able to catch my breath. First I felt relief. I even got mad.
I posted a couple comments in the last couple months. All of them involved me pissing, moaning and whinning about the injustices I suffered while under my”now Ex’s” spell. I received many words of encouragment which helped to validate my concerns. I got angry enough to follow through with the divorce. I had to move 2000 miles to be safe and have the support of the family and friends I left for him to begin with. I received support but most just felt that I should just get over “it” the situation and go on with my life. However, when it came time to the divorce he did not cooperate at all. I went from asking for nothing, to everything to what ever the court felt just. He did not show or turn in any of the required financial paper work. The judge awarded me $1000.00 a month for 2 years. From what I hear he is not very happy, I gave up 45 years of belongings, a carerr, family, friends etc. to move where he lived and to marry him. He had said come here marry me, let someone take care of you for once in your life. You can do what ever you want, just help take care of the house so all I have to do is focus on work. Once I got there I started to see a lot of untruths, it was suddenly you can do what you want as long as I approve and if you do other wise you will be sorry.
Well, I think you have the picture. It was bad, really bad. Basically I escaped. I left with a couple paper ream box’s full of personal items pictures ect. and a couple plastic bags…that’s it. Started all over from scratch and he did not care I was living in a basement. Ok..my point is after all that , after getting some money for a little bit to help me pay back the money I have borrowed and to hopefully get back on my feet……I feel like crap…..It was never about the money. In fact it makes me feel like a prostitute who is going to be compensated on a payment plan for past services. I still can not think straight and my thoughts are all over the place. The worst part is…..last night I wanted to find his ex’ girlfriends address so I could ask why they broke up so I could try and validate weither I made the right decission or not. I wanted to book a flight so I could go and sit out in front of “his” house and say I am sorry. I am sorry I wanted to get a job, I am sorry I did not press your shirts the way you wanted me to, I am sorry I gave you soft apples….please, please please….let’s just try this all over. I have never felt so degrated or unimportant in my entire life and yet I think that somehow, I am so special that I am the one who can show him enough unconditional love so that he will suddenly wake up and be so greatful that he will become the worlds greatest husband and he will never ever disapoint me. That he will be kind, caring,loving, thoughtful ect.
I have had people tell me tey are glad that I got out because they were afraid he was going to kill me…and I still want to try one more time…..the unsinkable molly is sinking
Will I ever be able to string thoughts together that will make sense. Will I ever be able to stop wanting a do over with someone who could care less about me.
Molly! People don’t change. If you ever did go back..and I know you will not, it will be the same thing over again. You’ll have to escape all over again.
I went looking for the ex too…I wrote to her. We talked. He was the same crappy guy to her too and she is glad the past is behind.
As a matter of fact, all the exes kicked him to the curb eventually. But before they did, he took, and took, and took.
Yes, Molly, of course there’s hope for you! You believed you would be the person who could help him change. But as Iwonder says, people like this don’t change. There is so much literature on this type of personality and how the only way to relate to them is NO CONTACT whatsoever.
Once you are away from him and the legal issues are resolved, now you can start going inside and healing yourself so you don’t have to go through that again! It is hard work, but it is the real heart of healing.
Molly Yes you will be able to put a string of thought’s together that will make sense. You will recover from this. You need to mourn the loss of who you thought he was. And you need to look deep into yourself and ask why and how did this happen? This is a Life Lesson don’t fail it…but yes it get’s easier one minute at a time – one day at a time – time and self healing is the only thing you can do right now. To go back to him is like a drug -it only last a few days and then you are right back in the nightmare. It’s going to hurt but you will not like this for long – give yourself time……….