Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
Unwilling: #5 is dead-on. When I met my ex his salary was being garnished like $40 a week because he didn’t pay a bill. It was a small debt so I paid it off for him. He ignored all his bills but like a dummy, I was trying to fix his credit for our future because i thought we were getting married. If he was going to be late with a bill i’d pay it. I even got an extra phone line because he couldn’t get a phone plan. And bought a phone with all the bells and whistles. I actually fixed up his credit. He was able to get his own cell phone plan last Dec and it enabled him to call OW. I put a down payment on a car and wound up paying every car payment because he did not. I bought him nice clothes. I did recover the car when all was said and done but never ever again will I do that.
Remember one of the deadly sins is : GREED
Iwonder,
I did the same thing for my ex, too. I went way beyond the call of duty for that man. He’d sold some things over the Internet that never got mailed out, which had put him in a pickle. I mailed them out at my own expense. Loaned him a laptop, gave him use of my second vehicle (which got wrecked and eventually stopped running and which he got three tickets with), bought him clothing, paid his bills, gave him money for his mortgage note, “invested” in one of his projects, bought his/our groceries (most of which I didn’t consume), the list goes on and on. “I’ll pay you back” was the line that I got … well, once I was out of a job and my savings had winnowed down to nil, he was out of there so quick, my head was spinning. Oh, and he wanted to still keep my laptop to use, even when he left me for another woman! Sure, that’s going to really work. His sense of entitlement was mind-boggling; he really did not understand why I told him “NO.”
I got contacted on my reptile site by one of the P’s supporters on the site. He wanted to reconnect our friendship. I did not even respond. NC for me means not even having any mutual friends. Anyone who is a friend of the P is not a friend of mine!
I concur with you 100%, OxD, about the things that are not acceptable from my friends–not taking responsibility, entitlement, and dishonesty being at the top of the list. I have set so many limits and gotten so much clearer on my boundaries since the P. This seems like a healthy thing.
I will not give him the satisfaction of devastating me. I will turn even his heartbreak into something positive!!!!!
OX Drover,
Once again I can be slow at times. Sometimes it seems that after reading some of these post’s it takes a while for me to process everything. When I hear something that hit’s home, my very first instinct is to say…..YES!!!! I momentarly feel empowered, strong, self assured (TOWANDA) Then suddenly as if recoiling from a hot stove, I back off. I shake it off…That did not happen, it was not that bad, but he tries, but he had such a bad childhood, if I can only get him to see how much I love hin UNCONDITIONALLY, he will be able to love too. Then I move to “who do you think you are” you said you would love him unconditionally and when things got bad, you left him…YOU ABANDONED HIM…no wonder he does not want to be with you. He treated me that way, yet it is I who groveles…as if he was the very last cookie in the cookie jar…NO the very last crumb in the cookie jar…I lick my finger and press it against the crumb so it does not fall off, then I lick the smallest speck of a crumb off my finger and I somehow tell myself that I feel satisfied. I then look back into the jar as if suddenly another crumb will appear. I then plop on the floor with the cookie jar in my arms and cry. I tell my self GOD lost the recipe for cookies, I know he did. Now I will never, ever have another cookie again.
Ox, you wrote…that in the bible it said “Love your wives even as you love yourself” after I told you he quoted the “submissive and obediant” thing.
A light bulb went on in my head…Oh, now I get it. He did treat me like he treated himself. He has no love for himself…how could he love me. He disrespects and treats himself poorly, so why not treat me the sameway……
So now…how do I let go… Am I just holding on because ever since I was a little girl I believed that if I could believe that just one person loved me unconditionally, I would feel real. So, if I love him unconditionally, it would mean I was a good person; and if I am a good person then maybe someday someone would love me?????????????????
The only thing that keeps me holding on is that All of you keep saying that it gets better.
I am going to try to keep believing that intill it comes true!!!!!
Hi Unwilling: Ditto. I told my ex I’d help him get a car…not pay for it entirely! My ex didn’t pay the car loan for the entire 16 months. I paid for the insurance, registration, maintenance & tickets he got. His sense of entitlement was that he should be able to keep the car when I kicked him out he went to live with OW. He wanted to keep the loan in my name, ins, registration, etc & make the payments til he got credit to re-finance. He is still angry that I wouldn’t let him do that. Go figure. I told him I am not a finance company and if he could not re-finance the veh in his name or buy out the loan, no deal. I told him, “If OW loves you so much, let her buy you a car like I did!” That was 5 month ago. He still does not have a vehicle. Tough Sh#!$. I paid $6,000 in payments over those months. I asked him what about the $6K I spent and the $1500 down payment?” His reply, “Gee, I don’t know what to tell you about that.” You and I both know he would never had made a payment and my credit would have been shot. I had to threaten to report the car stolen in order to get it back.
One funny thing though. For the 2 weeks he had the car after he left and was trying to convince me he was going to finance it, he made that one payment to the bank. Guess who wrote the check for that one payment?? The OW!! HA HA LOL!! He already is dipping in her pockets. After she made that payment I took the car back anyway. She’s mad too. Oh well. In my opinion, she benefited enough from my bank account. She got to enjoy being romanced in the vehicle I paid for and the money he spent to take her out was supposed to go toward the living expenses. They went after the car like vultures picking at my bones.
Also, the ex didn’t pay for food here either. We were together 2 years and he loved to fill up the grocery cart with things for him and his son.
He quit his job on me 2x in 2 years. Out of that time, 40% of the time he had no job.
40 Years old and this man has no clue.
Hi Molly: I too would like to meet the man of my dreams but I think that even if I don’t, then I will just have to be happy by myself. What if he doesn’t come along?? No sense in living the rest of my life feeling without this person I’m not loved. God loves us. That’s all that matters. Please God by not doing evil like the S’s do. Please God and keep the faith and He won’t allow a bad person in your life again. Ask him to bring you the right person. He will….but in His time, not ours.
Time for the Sunday Sermon:
The people of God were in exile in Babylon. They sowed in tears. God saw them and he was touched by their tears. The Lord made a way to restore them to their native land. They sowed in tears and reaped in joy. Likewise, your heavenly Father knows your tears and hears your cries. He will move on your behalf. Between sowing and reaping, there is a period of waiting. Sometimes, we imagine that God will do nothing, but be patient. He is moved by the tears of his children.
Iwonder,
I wish I could say that I’m shocked, but I’m not … that was the attitude that I was given too, as though he should be able to just “take” what he had of mine and I shouldn’t say anything about it. Huh? How does that work? Every now and then, he’d say things like, “I really need to pay you back,” but after three years … it’s a wash. He didn’t pay the past woman back either. Oh, get this … up until a couple of weeks ago, he was STILL charging things on my credit card online. I could not believe it. He has a girlfriend now, she needs to give him her credit card number (I’m almost positive she has).
I can see why law enforcement and the legal community laugh at us sometimes … but really, doesn’t there need to be a law that prosecutes grifters? Some of the Travelers (the Irish con-gang) were prosecuted … how did that happen, is what I want to know? Surely some of the women who these men have conned could come up with a cause of action? Has anyone looked into this?
Good afternoon, Gang,
Good “sermon”–yes, we must be patient between the sowing and the reaping. Of course we are IMPATIENT, we want RELIEF NOW. LOL (I can throw that rock cause I am also guilty of that! ha ha)
Learning PATIENCE is not easy for anyone I don’t think, and there are somethings that take TIME no matter what you do.
My late husband said “You can’t get a baby in one month by getting 9 women pregnant” LOL
Healing is like that, we have to give it TIME to MATURE and to GROW just like a baby takes 9 months (more or less) to grow to maturity before it can breathe and function on its on. During that time we (the mothers) must nurture it and feed it while it grows, and sometimes it is UNCOMFORTABLE, it kicks and turns and twists and keeps us awake at night and when it is finaly born it rips us in a most delicate place! But once it is out, it is THERE! The pain is gone! And just like with an infant, we must keep on nurturing it and caring for it, and we must do the same thing with our HEALING until it grows to a maturity that it no longer requires so much daily maintence from us.
My “healing baby” is out, the labor and screams are over, but I must continue to nurture and feed that infant healing daily. Help it grow and mature. Be kind to it, not become despondant when it gets “sick” or keeps me up all night, but NURTURE THAT NEW LIFE—-that new life is ME!
Unwilling: They are like chamelions. Every woman in my ex’s past has gotten conned but in a different way. The ones without money were abused verbally & physically. The ones with money got the abuse plus robbed financially. My ex left 7 kids out there. All those moms and kids were emotionally abandoned. Thank God I did not get pregnant…even though he wanted to have a baby with me during the 1st year of our relationship I refused until we got married…and that didn’t happen either.
The ex wife whom i speak with paid 50% for her engagement ring. He also took her car and then abandonded it when he moved in with me. She got stuck with numerous tickets in the mail.
So there’s not a real pattern…they abuse and use according to the woman..what she has or what he can do to her to destroy her.
My ex never was able to live on his own and support himself. I should have asked more questions before getting seriously involved. Next time i will.