Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
I am new to this website and desperately need help. I became involved with a sociopath two years ago. At the beginning, he was WONDERFUL. I met ALL of his friends, all of his kids, his mom and dad and his brothers and sisters. We traveled, went out all the time and had incredible sex. He showered me with gifts and was TOO good to be true.
At the same time, he was talking to a “friend” for hours at a time while I was at his house. And he had her pictures on his dresser. He swore they were just friends, and couldn’t understand why it would bother me that he talked to her on the phone.
Then when his dad became ill and I stopped by to give him a card, the S became furious that I would do that…he said we weren’t at that point in our relationship for me to give his dad a card, even though we did things with is folks all the time. He went for two weeks without talking to me…and then he called and said he was sorry. We had sex. And then he told me that he needed “time and space” and broke up with me.
I went four months without any contact with him, then he started texting me about his achievements. This led to phone calls, and then against all my friends judgement…I went back to him.
Except this time it was just sex…at his house, never mine…and he refused to take me out in public. He said he didn’t want people to think we were a “couple” again. In the meantime I did EVERYTHING for him thinking it would make him love me….I spent thousands of dollars decorating his house, I cleaned his house, I baked for him…you name it. And he is very, very wealthy. But he still would only sleep with me, yet telling me that we would travel, etc. I believed him, and stood by his side. He would call me EVERY night, and yes….while I was sleeping with him, he still had this “friend’s” pictures on his dresser. And sometimes after sex he would tell me that he was looking for that “perfect” person. And he went on three blind dates while having sex with me.
I broke it off recently after I went to his horse show and he was with another woman….and he knew I was coming to the show. He refused to admit he had done anything wrong, and his famous line was “I told you that I was looking for that perfect person and you knew I wasn’t committed to you.
I could go on and on about the terrible things he did to me mentally. And from previous girlfriends, it was almost like the EXACT same script.
Here is my problem and where I REALLY need help. I still think about him all the time…I just can’t believe that he could be so uncaring and hurt me so much! I want to contact him…I’ve even written a nasty letter because I feel like he needs to hear what he did. But every is telling me that it won’t do any good…he won’t get it! HOW DO I NOT CONTACT THIS MAN?????
Thanks!
nwillamon,
RE: “He said he didn’t want people to think we were a “couple” again.”
Sweetie, he was telling you the truth. Now, that said, he had no right to take your money or expect you to clean his house or do anything for him. HE erred in taking advantage of what you had to offer, and what type of human being does that? Even if I were the type of person who just took lovers for “sex only,” I would not take their money or permit them to serve me. That’s just wrong of him, it was usurious, and yup … he’s a serious cad.
My ex vollyed from one end to the other — he told me I was his girlfriend (we lived together); then when he wanted to cheat, he’d do the ‘temporary break-up” thing, go out and have his jollies, and then come back. I guess that all the faux break-ups made him feel as though it was justified. But several times, he told people that we weren’t a couple. I was floored. Just floored. When in the presence of one of his lovers, he totally acted like I didn’t mean a thing to him — this was a woman that I later found out was with him on the night of my DAD’S WAKE! If that’s not a serious a-hole, then nothing is.
You can contact him, but sweetie, he might listen or pretend to listen, but I do not believe that these people truly care about others’ feelings — it’s just all about them and what they can get out of people. You don’t contact him by … well, just not contacting him.
Hi NWillamon:
You can contact but it won’t mean a crap to the guy. When i kicked out my ex because I found out about the OW, I sent 350 text messages. Each text was a very descriptive word of what I thought of him. His response? He texted “is this really necessary?” So, they just don’t care. And each text cost me .10 cents on my cell phone bill. Ouch!! I only hurt myself. His calling plan had unlimited text so he paid nothing.
I hear what you are saying. A lot of his friends didn’t even know we were dating the first time, and were shocked when I told them. It is the most perplexing thing I’ve ever gone through. He is a master. I guess what I’m trying to understand is why I feel like I want to contact him after everything he has done. Again…I guess I just can’t BELIEVE he didn’t care for me. I feel like I was constantly trying to do things for his acceptance.
He told me after I told him I didn’t want to see him again, that he really “did” try to make it work, and that he has money, and is independent, and is prepared to spend the rest of his life alone. He is 53 years old.
I am still in the “shock” phase. And I’m angry…and want him to pay for what he did to me emotionally…how he can keep doing this to women and go on with his perfect little life.
nwillamon: you will never be compensated for what he did to you emotionally, or otherwise. he doesn’t care. he never loved you (or anyone else). he has no conscience. he has no remorse. he has no soul.
they are pods who make everyone miserable. they lie and deceive. this is WHO they are. and they are very comfortable with themselves. anything you say to him will be fuel for his abuse … or worse … his dismissive attitude.
we are all angry about what they’ve done to us. the only thing that makes it better is NO CONTACT. i was with mine for 20 years. he treated everyone like crap, but i never thought he’d turn on me. but of course he did. they all turn when they stop getting what they want.
his life is NOT perfect. he can’t love. he can’t feel. and he does not care.
it’s bizarre, it’s disgusting, it’s infuriating. but it is what it is.
do not call, text, or talk if he calls you. stay as far away as you can get. he won’t change. he won’t change. he won’t change.
doesn’t matter whether young or old, black or white or green, rich or poor, or attractive or ugly. (but they’re usually attractive — the devil doesn’t show up with his tail showing.)
he will not change. but you are free. move on. save yourself.
that’s what we’re all doing here.
stick around. you won’t believe the stories, except you will. you’ve been there. we all have.
now is the time to heal. god speed.
TOWANDA!!!
Yes, mwillamon, you are still in shock. It took me a few months to come out of shock and disbelief. My ex never treated me half as badly as yours did. He claimed to be in love with me the whole time and wanting to marry me (never mind that he was already married!). It was the inconsistencies (no show/no calls) and things like that that put up red flags for me. At the end, there was a no call/no show that was (I think) his way of discarding me. I just could not believe such a sweet and wonderful man could be such a monster. I just figured he was confused due to a head injury he got fighting in Iraq. Then I found out he was also faking the head injury to get out of the army!!!! STILL, I kept hoping for months for a reunion because I was so in love. But with what? Whatever he pretended to be was not real. I still sometimes wonder if he is really a sociopath or not just suffering from some sort of PTSD from Iraq. But I realize now that what difference does it make? Whatever is wrong with him, he will destroy me if I go back to him.
I had a friend that said to me that I was in love with what I “dreamed” we could have together.
And yes, lostingrief, you are SO right…he just doesn’t care. And even though that really, really hurts….I know it’s the truth.
I will definitely stick around…I NEED this website right now.
By the way…I have two boys and he NEVER asked about them. I also ALWAYS drove into his house…but only after he’d eaten, read his e-mail, done his laundry, talked to friends…and THEN I was allowed to come in.
Oh….I could go on and on and on. It truly is like a bad dream! How I could be SO stupid!
nwilla: you weren’t stupid. you were loving. you cared. you were giving. you thought he was real.
they’re NOT REAL. they are phantoms who pretend to be what they have to be to get what they want.
it is my opinion that they are not human. the similarities among them are truly eerie, and i think they are another life form. how can humans have no conscience when conscience is what separates humans from other life forms!
anywho, you must NOT blame yourself in any way, shape or form. it’s hard not to, but you did nothing wrong except love the WRONG person. wrong by a lot.
this is a growth opportunity. a chance to move forward with a whole new appreciation of life … life without someone controlling, manipulating, taking, using, or screwing you up mentally, emotionally, spiritually and/or physically.
Yes, LIG is exactly correct. It is not your fault. They are masters at manipulation. Mine even manipulated all of my friends. They loved him and told me they thought he would be “the one” for me.
I have many years of studying psychology and nearly a masters in it. I have been a therapist on and off for 20 years. I had read many theories on personality disorders. And I WAS STILL FOOLED. I never saw it coming!!! I always believed his excuses because IT NEVER OCCURS TO A LOVING PERSON THAT PEOPLE CAN LIE LIKE THAT! Until you’ve actually encountered a sociopath, you really cannot know how truly manipulative they are.
Stargazer,
You are so right about it not occurring to someone who loves that there are people like this in the world. This was my very first encounter. What’s funny is that I sensed something was “off” about him from our first few dates … but not in a bad way, in an unusual way. His responses seemed at times stilted or inappropriate, but I wrote that off to him being nervous. Also, I knew that he’d had a learning disability growing up and I wondered if that might be part of it. I think that a lot of us “made excuses” for the sociopath because we didn’t really want to believe that they didn’t feel emotions.
The manipulations are so subtle, too. When I write down the things that he did, I’m sure that there are people who’d read it and think, “God, how was so conned? Wasn’t it obvious?” Well, no … not the manner in which he did it. He didn’t demand money or beg, at first, he was really “ashamed” of asking me for $1000 to pay his mortgage, promised to pay me back as soon as he was able. Everything else happened slowly, so incrementally, that I didn’t realize it at all …