Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
unwilling: as you may have read in my previous posts, i never blame the OW. my ex was the one who cheated on me. who knows what they tell the OWs.
my ex left me after 20 years (on and off) for a girl half my age who he got pregnant. he also has a wife (separated) and two kids by her and another child by another female (he doesn’t see or pay child support on that one!).
even though i always knew he was shady, it fascinated me more than repelled me (”how does he DO that? what does it feel like to be THAT gorgeous? how amazing … EVERYONE loves him!”). he never did any of these things while we were together and he was always pretty good to me until his mom died. then i got the same treatment: pathological lying, cheating, deception.
the OW is never the point. these sub-human creeps are the problem.
i believed in him and in us. he was the only guy i ever loved and i sacrificed a lot to be with him. i’m coming back pretty much from the dead here. no family to speak of, few friends now, no affection or love. i’m so lonely, and yet, i have no choice but to fight my way back to some semblance of self-esteem while he tells all our ex-mutual friends god-knows-what about me. not ONE of them have called me since our breakup. he told them not to, and they OBEYED.
i wish i could move but i’m broke. at least i have a job.
lost, in re.:
“… even though i always knew he was shady, it fascinated me more than repelled me (”how does he DO that? what does it feel like to be THAT gorgeous? how amazing ” EVERYONE loves him!”).”
I wondered that too … this was a man who clearly violated simple ethics, I knew this, and yet I proceeded to “clean up” his messes so that he’d look “good.” He got away with such extreme shit, it was almost nauseating. Women tended to overlook everything, though, whereas the males in his life caught on pretty quick; he doesn’t have a lot of close male friends as a result.
And yes, people (read: women) still “love” him … the “him” they perceive, not the “him” that would take them for a ride if he knew they had enough $$ to make it worth his while. Believe me, if the sociopaths treated “everyone” the way they treated us, no one would love them at all.
unwilling: right, that’s why they pick their prey carefully. my ex knows literally hundreds of people … he’s the mayor of the neighborhood. the kingpin. lots of guy friends too. when we broke up, he told them all NOT to speak with me at all. i guess he felt that potentially they would ‘do’ his property.
not one of them would cross him. they all know better. he is BRUTAL when crossed.
yea, everytime i write about him i realize more and more what a ‘bottom’ i am! yuck.
Unwilling & LIG: I don’t hate the OW as much as I hate my ex. I found out about the OW in May. I discovered a Christmas Card from OW hidden in the garage. OMG, you should have seen the things she wrote in that card to my “fiance.” She wrote, “your presence is my happiness. I thank God every day.” “what we have is real.” “this must be a dream.” UGH!! …wait til she finds out it is not “real” and it’s a “nightmare!”
By the way, when I found the card and he went out, I took a picture of the card with my cell phone and I typed word for word what she wrote and I sent it to him in a text. He knew he was caught. Over the next 2 days, I got her name, etc and he wasa gone.
I wonder, if I hadn’t found out, would he have left? Probably so..the money was gone.
Boy, I’m mad today.
Iwonder: wow, that sucks. but you’re right, she will soon (if she hasn’t already) realized he’s a nightmare. i was going through old love letters today. i wrote similar things. he even wrote on our brick wall (thank god (our initials) are interwoven). what a bunch of b.s.
if you hadn’t caught him, he would have kept you around until you had absolutely nothing left to give, or until he got the keys to the OWs life. that’s what mine did. i caught him (heard the OWs voice messages), confronted him, he denied everything (just friends), but i made his life so miserable (constantly calling him a liar, a cheater, being distant, not doing anything for him, not giving him anything), he split as soon as he had the keys to her apartment.
god, they’re disgusting.
I was questioned if my ex was really a “sociopath.” Let me try and explain my reasonings for believing that he is.
Glib and Superficial
When I started seeing my ex, he was charming and kind. Everyone told me what a “nice” guy he was. He was very successful. And all his friends were sympathic because he had been through a terrible divorce and his first wife was “crazy.” Red Flags ”“ He really didn’t socialize much with “friends.” We did a lot of stuff alone.
Egocentric
On the second date he couldn’t wait for me to see his house. He showed me all his deer, turkeys, ducks that he had shot and had stuffed. He made it known that he lived in one of the “best” neighborhoods in town. He would call me every night and talk about himself”.how well he played golf, how he beats his buddies, what a good hunter he was, how many girlfriends he had, how he was considered the most eligible bachelor in town, how he had pissed off some old girlfriends, been slapped by a girl, been accused of being gay by a girl”.all of which he found quite humorous.
He would wine and dine me, and we travelled often. However, I had to pay for all my own travel, and even helped with meals and golf fees. But this man is RICH.
Lack of Remorse
My ex was very, very calm about EVERYTHING. I would often remark that it was amazing how easy going he was and that I’d never seen him get mad. He told me that he doesn’t get mad”he just gets even.
Lack of Empathy
Never ever asked how I was doing. When I was having trouble with my youngest child, he never acted interested but would go into a story about his own children.
Deceitful and Manipulative
I found out he lied to me about many of his past relationships. He always told me that some girl was nice and easy to be around, but that they just weren’t perfect and he didn’t feel like he needed to settle for imperfection. He would ask me to get groceries for him because he was in a meeting, but then he’d never pay me. Or ask me to pick up a pizza on my way into his house, but never pay. I decorated his entire house and wasn’t compensated”and I thought it would make him love me”.yeah right! I baked for him, I cooked for him.
Shallow Emotions
Although he appeared to be caring, he would NEVER get too close emotionally. The only time he ever showed much emotion was in bed. Otherwise, he loved all my accolades about him, but he NEVER once told me I was pretty, or say thank you for something I would do for him. If I decorated his mantle, he would always find ONE thing wrong with it. When I gave him a new TV for his bedroom, he immediately went out and bought a bigger one for his living room”almost like he didn’t want me to out do him.
Impulsive
This is probably the hardest part of the relationship. He would decide to do something at the last minute. Or we would have plans, and he would change them 10 minutes before we were to leave. He was a workaholic, and never gave himself 5 minutes of down time”..always doing something. Or we would be having dinner at his home, and I’d turn around to find him playing solitare at his computer! I couldn’t count on him for anything!
Poor Behavior Controls
A friend of mine that knew my ex told me when we started dating to watch out because he had “commitment issues.” When I mentioned this to him, he went ballistic! He would bring that up often, and laugh about his “commitment issues.” It absolutely infuriated him.
Once when I caught him in a lie, he stormed out of the room and refused to deal with the situation. He looked at me and said “I am not a liar!” But I had caught him red handed in the lie, yet he still maintained his innocence.
When I gave his dad a card when he was terminally ill, he was SO angry with me that he wouldn’t talk to me for two weeks. I needed up apologizing and he made me feel like I was totally out of line because our relationship wasn’t at “that point” even though I’d spent months doing things with both his parents.
Need for Excitement
Probably his need for excitement was sexual. We did all kinds of things sexually where we could have gotten caught”.in his car while he was driving down the Interstate, in front of the windows of his house where his neighbors could have caught us. And he was always hinting about wanting to have a threesome or wanting me to talk about my fantasies. And yet he would go on and on about something happened to him in the bedroom years ago that made him afraid to try things”.yet he was willing to do ANYTHING with me.
Lack of Responsibility
He refused to wear a seatbelt”stating that no one was going to tell him that he HAD to wear one. He was a heavy smoker”.and had no desire to quit. His office was a mess and he was always waiting until the last minute to pay his bills because he resented that he owned the money.
My ex really didn’t have many friends, but the ones he did have he introduced me to IMMEDIATELY like I was a prize he was showing off. But then sometimes after we’d get back from a trip, I wouldn’t hear from him for a week, yet he would call me every night and go into detail what he had done without me. Once he asked me to make pies for his family gathering for Thanksgiving, but I wasn’t invited. At Christmas, I made a breakfast casserole and homemade rolls for his family, but wasn’t allowed to come in until that evening.
He had pictures of an old girlfriend on his dresser in his bedroom. The story is that he asked her to marry him and she declined, so I guess he was living the chase. And he talked to her all the time on the phone in front of me. He made it look like she still was crazy about him. I found out later, she is just a friend that has NO romantic interest in him.
He constantly would tell me that he wanted to be with me, yet always stated that he was still looking for that PERFECT person.
I could go on and on and on and on.
So”.is he a sociopath?
nwill,
It certainly sounds like it. But in my opinion no dry checklist can “diagnose” an s/p with 100% accuracy. There has to be an emotional component (which is against the whole philosophy of science, but, oh, well . . . ). You certainly have brought that emotional component to this question. So let me ask you, have you felt, sensed, seen something that has given an “oh, moment” or “aha moment” where you just knew?
Since others not directly involved don’t have that emotional “iron in the fire” it’s usually very hard for them to recognize a sociopath. So don’t worry about them. “Oh, moments” are not transferable to others.
I’ve had many “oh, moments.” The biggest is how many times he hurt me mentally and showed absolutely no remorse. And how many former girlfriends thought he was wonderful and that he loved them, and then out of the blue just broke up with them. No explanation, no contact, nothing! In my experience he broke up with me for no reason but then came back four months later….but was even more mentally abusive and let me spend thousands of dollars on him before he invited me to a horse show and when I showed up he was with another woman. Yet he still could look me in the face and tell me it was MY fault.
I think that there are certainly varying degrees of sociopathy. nwillamon, I could never say that someone is or is not a sociopath. In fact, until my psychologist pointed this out to me — this unusually usurious behavior — I would have just labeled my ex-s as “selfish” and “egocentric.” I’ll tell you what my biggest red flags were. They were the shady business deals that he’d engaged in — taking money without giving anything in return. His “work” ethic (or lack thereof). He went from asking me, sheepishly, for “loans.” This eventually led to him bartering with me, or making up good reasons why I should invest in *his* projects. Money was very much a huge component –it was quite obvious that the man was out to make a quick buck, by hook or by crook, whether it was “borrowing” from me, his friends, his family, or setting up some kind of temporary “scheme” online. For example, his organization advertised a stuffed animal on Cafe Press — the proceeds were supposed to go to charity. Right! All you have to do is tug at someone’s heart strings, and they’ll buy. The “charity” was the charity of HIM. I found this particularly odious and appalling.
Some people are quite blatant about their motives, and his became quickly apparent. I just never thought that he’d do the same thing to *me,* because he “loved” me, and you don’t take advantage of the people you love. However, in retrospect, he “loved” a lot of women (including his own mother, who gave him money, too), and they were not exempt. The danger lies in believing that we are somehow more “special” and that we’re going to be the exception to the rule rather than the rule. HTH some?
Nwillamon,
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck, lays eggs that hatch baby ducks, THERE’S A DARNED GOOD CHANCE IT IS A DUCK.
You dont have to be a professional biologist to have a good reason to think it is a duck.
Besides, you are not making a “legal diagnosis” without credentials, and you are NOT REQUIRED to be making a “legal diagnosis” to GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM.