Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
That is exactly what I thought too. He wouldn’t cheat on me–I am a good catch. He told me about his infidelities with other women prior to me. Perhaps he told me the truth so I would think he wouldn’t do that to me. It was definitely manipulation. My ex will always have money trouble and is now living off his new wife, who is the bread winner now–that is apparent (but not to her). He always spends more money than he has–very materialistic. He probably told his new wife that he cheated on me, but still has to admit that to me. His motto is, “Deny, deny, deny!” Never admits to anything. He surely hasn’t changed at all, but the funny thing is is that he thinks he has!
My sister said to me recently that I have changed so much since my marriage. My spirit is alive, I take care of myself and I feel happy. Is living well the best revenge? I sure hope so. I wonder if he sees me and thinks, why couldn’t she look or act like that with me? He may be wondering, but he certainly doesn’t think the negative factor was him!
I am having some good days now. It sure feels good.
-Ginger
I think someone mentioned in an earlier post, regardless of the label, the man mistreated me and is clearly emotionally damaged. So regardless, I need to run, run, run. It’s an odd sensation….on one hand I’m so relieved to have him out of my life because he was SO exhausting, but on the other hand I have this terrible need for him to want me and to have this fairy tale life. Again, I’ve NEVER been through such an unbelievable two years….it’s just SO hard to conceptualize their personality. When he would go days without contact, I would think “How can he not want to be with me?” Bizarre.
Dear Ginger,
TOWANDA GF!!!! I am so glad that you are “getting there”! YES, living well IS THE BEST REVENGE.
Nwillamon, yea, it is difficult to get your head around and in the end, we can’t REALLY KNOW how they feel, just sort of “get an idea” from the way they all seem to act so much alike.
Doesn’t seem to atter if they are a serial killer or just a serial liar, they are SO MUCH ALIKE in SO many ways.
Nwillamon,
I’d call your “oh, moments” more a “oh my god, why’s he doing this” moment. What I’m calling an “oh, moment” (I think I got that phrase from “The Story of Mrs. Murphy” concerning an alcoholic s/p) would answer that question and much more. They are absolute and freeing. (Another great s/p novel is “The Incredible Charlie Carewe” by Mary Astor, incidentally.)
http:\\pathwhisperer.wordpress.com
Dear Pathwhisperer,
I call them “Ah Ha” moments, meaning “Ahhhh, now I get it!” LOL
Okay….when I went to the horse show and he was with another woman, and drove home crying, sending him a letter telling him how devastated I was…that was a “Oh how could he do that to me moment” because he’d just slept with me the night before and I had taken him a whole basket of cookies….
The “Oh moment” was when he never once apologized for what he had done, and invited this same woman to his house the following week-end. It was right then that I realized he had no conscience and never really did care for me.
Dear Nwillamon,
I admit THAT stunt of sleeping with you one night and inviting you to a horse show the next day KNOWING HE WOULD BE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN is about a cold COLD way to GIVE YOU THE FINGER.!!!!!! I mean it wasn’t like he cut your throat with a knife or anything, he just CUT YOUR HEART INTO LITTLE BITTY PIECES.
He didn’t do it by ACCIDENT either—-it was COLD, PREMEDITATED STABBING OF THE HEART. He knew when he slept with you that he was going to do that the next day. He enjoyed every second of knowing that he was having sex with you and intended to DEVALUE and DISCARD you in the MOST EMOTIONALLY NASTY WAY HE COULD DEVISE. I have no doubt that he giggled in GLEE the while time he was in bed with you and on the way home he kept thinking “Oh, boy, is she going to be devestated, I have devised the perfect way to spit in her eye, to deficate in her cheerios. Yuk yuk!”
Willa, that is one COLD heartless nasty SOB. But, if it is any consolation, “it wasn’t personal” and he will do the same thing or something like it to the next woman (women). You were an OBJECT to him. WE ALL ARE OBJECTS TO THEM. It ain’t personal. Isn’t THAT a kick in the teeth. With my P-son, it IS personal cause I’ve stood up to him and he hates me for it, but with the P XBF, I was just a piece of MEAT, no more, no less, “it wasn’t personal.”
Willa, keep the thought in your mind of what a horrible jack ass this guy is—no, I take that back, that is an insult to my donkeys, what a slithering slimy piece of bottom feeding crap he is. Never let that thought leave your mind if you must think about him, but you’lll be even better off when you no longer think about him at all, and YOU WILL GET THERE.
There was a time when I thought about my Prince of DArkness 24/7 crying and crying, but I could meet him on the street now and the only feeling I would have is the same one I would have if you hadn’t cleaned up after your dog and I had stepped in it….just wanting to get away from the STINK.
nwilla: yup, cold and heartless. that’s what they are. i know that hurt like hell. my ex-s/p/n (if it makes you feel any better) was cheating on me for months but denying it to the death. i found out in the end that he would come over to see me, eat with me (my lovingly prepared meals), drink my wine (our favorite brand), take a nap in our bed (but wouldn’t have sex with me the last month), take a shower in MY bathroom, then leave to go see his new half-my-age GF and have sex with her!
they are capable of such atrocities against people, and then, they don’t even blink when confronted with it!
so, you’re in good (if not devastated) company here. i still have trouble with the ”it’s not personal” thing. but i’ll get it someday.
peace.
i’d liked to say that i have a friend who reminds me of myself. she is talking to this guy who ive never met. all the stories she tells me our HUGE RED FLAGS. i cant tell her what to do, but i just sit here and scream WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???? START THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF. BUT i cant. bc i never listen to anyone. i was always making excuses for him. im on the other side now. after my experience with my S. i will never make excuses for a guy for what he does. he actions speak for what he is. i learned that you cant have the hope that things will get better and you should stick around maybe it will get better. thats what my friend is doing, and all i can think is dont you think you deserve better, dont sit around hoping he will get it one day. HE WONT. your job is to not fix him. all i can do is support my friend in what ever she decides.
my healing is better every day. some days i want a relationship but the truth is that i dont. i dont want to give any of myself to anyone. im just getting my life back and i want to live it for awhile. looking back when i was dating the x and when things went bad i would sit and say to myself get me away from this man. For me to be away from him now for 4 months its crazy. it was one of those things i thought was never going to happen. i felt like i was never going to get away, or that he would never leave me alone, but ive made it out past that stage where they call and call and bug you. all you have to do is stop contact and pretend your dead.
Hope everyone is doing well….
blondie: interesting. i hear a lot that the ex-s/p/n ‘bothers’ those of us who have been with them, and you say you thought that ‘he would never leave me alone.” is that a common experience that they keep coming back? mine left and i never heard from him again. just like that. ‘hi, i’ve been cheating for six months, she’s pregnant, oh, you’re throwing me out, you bitch, i’ll always have a vendetta against you.’ and he was gone. and he hasn’t called once. after 20 yrs. (on and off)
i know they don’t all do the same thing, but sometimes i wish he would call just so i can reject him… and have a win under MY belt.
oh well.
it’s wonderful to hear that you are doing so well, and the nutcase is becoming a distant memory. good for you!