Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
lostingrief,
Yeah, I keep hoping mine will contact me so I can ignore him…but it doesn’t happen that way. He has already forgotten me and moved on to his next victim. It’s SO hard to imagine that they could “act” so caring and then forget you even existed. However, after reading all these blogs, it is the beast that they are. Remember…no conscience, no remorse. It’s easy for them because we never meant ANYTHING to them.
I’m still trying to believe that, and I’ll probably NEVER understand it, but people keep telling me over and over again to be happy this chapter in my life is over, and that I am the lucky one. But it’s still hard.
LIG~ ive been thinking about you… hope your doing ok.
yea my x wants control over me. he didt want me to think he was this bad guy. he wanted to continue his games and lies that he always plays. he still calls or emails once in awhile, just to see if i will respond. he wants a response from me, he wants to know that i still care that he can just maybe hook me. i ignore him completly. trust me i want to say something to him like really mean and nasty but i know it wont get me anywhere and thats what he wants….try to be happy yours is gone, i know that might be hard but i hope in the long run you will understand..
hello Gang My X is one of those that just disappeared. After 3 years of a battlefield of love, I kicked him out. Before he would always come back and promise everything and anything to get back in out of the rain I guess. But he found a new victim – don’t know anything about him now – that is good I guess, part of me wishes he would show up and try to lure me back in again – I think that would reasure me he is a sociopath – I don’t understand why I am always wanting validation of my diagnosis of him. Maybe hoping I was wrong and he want’s me? But never seeing him ever ever ever again will hurt less with time. He is fading from my memory – not gone but fading. And there is no way he can change who he is – or me either. So it was a chapter in my life that I will never forget. I did win – we all won when we got them out of our lives. We are all better for knowing them – despite the pain involved – at least we have learned alot about ourselves in the process and we can work on our bad misfortune to assure we never let this happen again.
TOWANDA HENRY!!!! Glad you are having a great day!
Isn’t the weather wonderful this fall? We got some showers today, but no real rain.
I started marking the calendar each and every day…like “Good day” or “great day” (haven’t had any “sad days” in quite some time) but it is nice to look back at the calendar and see day after day after day that is GREAT or GOOD.
The little violet colored wild flowers are still blooming under my bedroom window. I’ve never seen anything so delicate last so long. Reminds me of that story, I think O. Henry wrote it about this an who was lying in a hospital bed and he was watching out the window the leaves fall off a vine or tree in the autum of the year, and he knew that when the last leaf fell he would die. But the last leaf hung on and on and on and on, and what had happened was his friend had PAINTED THE LAST LEAF on a building so it looked like it was on the vine.
His belief that he would make it through the day because the leaf was there was what kept him fighting, ONE MORE DAY. We all need to keep our belief that we can and will MAKE IT, and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Find something positive in your day, ANYTHING, and notice it, enjoy it, savor it, appreciate it—and make it through the day, just one day at a time. Hugs and prayers for you all, and especially for my Bro. Henry!!!!
thank you oxy – yes i think we have had the best fall weather here in OK in a long time. We are getting some rain today. I have been planting truck loads of pansy’s and viola’s and kale. My clients want it all done yesterday. I am going camping this weekend with my 2 son’s and there wives and my 3 grandkids. It is a fall tradition for us. We carve halloween pumpkins, and make smores in the camp fire. We always eat soo much when we go camping. I am looking forward to it. It has been so long scince i could just relax with my kids and grandkids. We will have a big fish fry on saturday and make home made icecream. I have a great recipe for icecream “strawbanut” it is soo good. I will roast a marsh mellow for ya Oxy – do u like em burned or toasted? yes one day at a time. I never told ya this but two years ago (M) broke two of my fingers and one has never healed properly and still gives me pain. So when I think of him I look at my finger and ask my stupid self why do i miss that low life scum? I dont think i miss him – i miss the guy I created in my mind – the one that was like a mirror – and played the part so well – I am so glad i am finally growing up. enjoy the simple things oxy they are uncomplicated moments of joy and connecting with nature. So many peeps come and go here on LF has anyone heard from moraira?
Dear Henry,
That sounds wonderful for you and your family to do the camping thing. I love camping and haven’t done much in the last yr and a half, I used to camp a lot wiht my living history group and we camp ah la pre-1840, do everything the rustic way. That’s why I built the wagon, so I could have a pre-1840 RV and have everything on board and not have to lug it on my back to set up camp.
I like mine toasted! Thank you. My favorite ice cream recipie is use 3/4 milk and 1/4 pureed fruit of choice or mixed fruit, it is wonderful. Yum. Son D just turned me on to the greatest thing in the world. FROZEN GRAPES. You just pop them in the freezer and when they are frozen they become “grape cicles” and are so much fun to eat and you have to eat them slowly so you enjoy them more, and at the price they are now, slow is better. LOL
I do bananas the same way. Freeze out of the peel on a cookie sheet, and eat them like a banana cicle.
I know what you mean about people coming and going, and we never know what happened to them, did they make it, go back to the jerk, or just what happened. It would be nice if people did check back in once in a while and say how they are doing. But, you know, I really do think that even if they go back to the jerk, they have learned something here that may help them down the line when they are really ready to stay gone. I really believe that nothing you learn is ever really “Lost.” It took me “forever” to really become ready to cut the “cord” and go NC with my P-son, and with my mom. It just never occured to me it was EVEN AN OPTION. With the BF I didn’t want to cut the tie, but I always knew I could, but with blood, I never even consiered it possible.
Son C is coming home for Xmas, abot 10 days between Xmas and New Year’s and I think this year for the first time in YEARS. I will CELEBRATE THE HECK OUT OF IT, and decorate the house. I have even already hung my “fall scare crow” on the door, and hadn’t done that in years.
This will be the FIRST REAL CHRISTMAS that I have spent with my son C since he married that witch. We always ate dinner over at my mom’s after Uncle Monster died, but with her there it was STRAINED to say the least. This year, this year WILL BE VERY SPECIAL. I’ll do a turkey and dressing and gravy, and mashed potatoes, and his favorite fruit salad, and the whole 9 yards! Put on Christmas carols and have a wonderful time with my boys! See what HAPPINESS DOES FOR YOU?!!!!!! It makes you want to celebrate. P-FREE. No P’s in the house, no Ps in the heart, and a heart that is full of love instead of bitterness and pain. It’s been a long time coming, my friend, Henry, but it’s getting there. Carve a pumpkin for me! oxoxoxy (remember when wini said my name looked like hugs and kisses? LOL
yes i remember wini’s comment and i am glad u r going to celebrate xmas this year, it will be the first xmas in 3 years that it wont be destroyed by M. I am mad at myself for putting him first. But he ain’t here no mo. so look out santa is back!!! but hey oxy i went and bought some new furniture and things and completley re did my house – M will never see it it is my home again and it looks great — i just put some grapes in the freezer will let ya know what i think
Henry, I’ve been redoing (getting rid of stuff mostly) as had too much stuff in house, and rearranging things that I do have that I really enjoy or because they bring back great memories attached to them. I’ve always been a “cool” decorator in my own unique style (a mixture of antiques, modern, and primitive pieces). I enjoy it and so my house kind of has a new look to it too. And ORGANIZED. Today’s task is to put new shelf linking in the kitchen cabinets, as son D is gone to town for shopping and supplies and I have been doing TOO much lifting for an old fart lately, so will let my body rest a bit from heavy labor. Have to realize I am 61, not 31, and not try to work like a field hand or a construction labor guy. (which I have been) But at the same time, I will not become a couch potato til they tie me to the bed! Got to use it or lose it and you can’t do that if you don’t work those muscles.
Plus, working or exercise actually burns off those nasty stress hormones that deplete our health and our mental status.
Yes, I am gettingkind of excited about the Christmas thing, and I think both boys will be suprised when I do it up BIG this year. I am going to go out like I did when I was a kid and walk in the woods and pick out a cedar tree. Not one of those northern firs that have been “in style” for years here, but a good old Arkansas Red Cedar tree that has the odor of nothing else, and fills the house with the wonderful scent.
And take cedar boughs and BARBED WIRE and make a HUGE wreath to hang on the front gate post by the road, and I’ve got all these battery operated lights that I can put out there too for night time (no electric out by the gate) and maybe even make a (partly live) manger scene down on the highway and tie out one of the donkeys and a cow and calf there by the manger or even borrow a sheep or two from a friend to put there.
I let my mom’s tantrums about Uncle Monster take the JOY out of my Crhistmases and I used to love the holidays. I still will miss not having a couple of little kids to see their eyes light up when they open their packages. One year it snowed when the kids were little and my husband and I took deer feet and made “tracks” and sleigh tracks in the snow, and sooty boot prints on the fire place area and really had’em going! He went outside after they went to bed and rang “sleigh bells” just before they were completely asleep and I made sure they didn’t look out the window.
But I always pick up boxes and boxes of toys at the auctions and take a truck load of them to the orphanage in town at Christmas time, so I am still able to give something to the kids even though I don’t get to see them open their packages. I will get something SPECIAL for my sons though, totally a suprise which they won’t be expecting.
It makes me really happy to know that you are going to spend such a wonderful quality time out camping with your family Henry (I hope it doesn’t rain) “A joy shared is doubled” and I thank you for sharing that experience with us.
I know this site is one for healing and there are some sad sad posts, but I also think we need to take time to post our GOOD TIMES, the good feelings, and the break throughs we get.
I have enjoyed so much of Bird’s posts about her baby Birdie and now her “break through” to getting out of the anger and focusing on herself.
On Christmas day we will raise a glass of Nog and click the air in celebration of our new found happiness and JOY! WE DESERVE IT!
The holidays do worry me. But then I remember how while he went away on a hunting trip, I would decorate his tree and house. And then not be invited to his family gatherings until late in the evening after most people had left. And then after Christmas how he would go on yet another vacation/hunting trip, and I would have everything from the holidays cleaned and put away before he got back. So maybe I shouldn’t worry…..I might enjoy the holidays instead of working my ass off!
This is the first time I have ever posted on this site. Till now I have just been blessed and saddened at all the so many people that have experienced the horror and yet euphoria of being involved with an S. I was luckier than most we never married and he never swindeled me finanacially as he was a spoiled rotten brat by his financially well off mother. So it was easy for him to lure me and others with fancy dinners and trips and basically buying my affection. My purpose in finally posting is in regards to this article of Donnas. After almost 8years of on again off again turmoil pleasure and pain our final break was over 3months ago as finally he found someone that he can mold and control. All of his other attempts through the years didnt pan out and he always came back to me and stupid me always took him back and wanted to believe his empty promises of change. Part of me through the years wanted him to find someone to occupy his time long enough for me to move on I had no idea how painful and hurtful it would be to move on. I have since been trying to work through the pain and your all right theres no reason why we were the ones unlucky enough to fall prey. I just dont want this to be a hinderance to me finding a good guy Im so guarded and not sure if I would recognize a good guy if he came my way. I struggle with wanting to contact the new girl and warn her since shes so newly involved. At first I hated her now I so would not want anyone to go through what i have. My friends say to let it go as long as hes with her hes not bothering you. But I would have wanted someone to warn me and save me 7years of pain and aging I was 38 when i met him 46 now. Does anyone have any thoughts to contact her or not. Thanks for listening. This site has saved my sanity!!!