Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
hi everyone…
re: do they get ‘better’ as they age.
my ex-s/p/n will be turning 39 this week. he’s worse than ever. just got his third female pregant with his fourth child; this while still married and living with me.
he only became abusive toward me in the past year, but was abusive to his wife previously. he uses everyone.
apparently, his new gf has money since i asked him how he would afford another child when he can’t support his first three and he replied; ”i don’t have to — she has money.” well, good for her. she’s in for the misery of her life, although he swore to me that she’s ‘perfect’ so he would never treat her badly.
sigh.
Hi Henry and Unwilling: I’m 5 months past the 2 yr relationship I was in. Let me tell you that today was not easy for me. I got a text from my x that he is picking up the rest of his things tomorrow or Sat. Just like that…gone..poof! I know I’m better off but the sorrow was just overwhelming. I did the dating site and a few coffee dates too and just couldn’t get it together. I hope the memories of what I thought was love will fade. The trouble with these break-ups is that they are not normal break-ups. Had my ex come to me and told me he fell out of love and then grieved…shed just one tear…and took time to get his life to get over me then I would be different. It’s the way he just used me for finance and pretended to love me that hurts the most. Even though the OW knew about me I’m sure he told some whoppers and she bought it but the resentment will surface down the road when she realizes the man who told her he loved her was still living with me for the entire time of their relationship and lied to her about that.
I’ve written off 2008. I’m not going to try to date until 2009. In 2009 all our hearts will be in a better place.
It’s hard to trust again. Next time, I will look at the character of the person…does he pay bills on time? Can he take care of himself? Etc.
I wonder:
“Had my ex come to me and told me he fell out of love and then grieved”shed just one tear”and took time to get his life to get over me then I would be different. It’s the way he just used me for finance and pretended to love me that hurts the most.”
I feel the same way. You remember when kids used to “go” with each other in middle school? Somebody would be wearing somebody else’s i.d. bracelet, then one day, one kid walked up to the other, hand it back, and break up? That’s what it felt like to me, like he was playing some childish game to pass the time. He didn’t even think twice when he left. I told him I was out of money, and a few days later, it was over, just like that. He didn’t need to think about it twice.
Is it a real beak-up? Were we ever really a real “couple?” I don’t have the solid answer to that, but my gut tells me no, we were not … not in his eyes.
Unwilling: Mine did the exact same thing. I was out of money and i told him. His response, “It’s time.” Wow. That’s just cold. Are you sure we didn’t have the same man? LOL!
You’re right. I felt like I was in middle school. Only I wasn’t playing with a bracelet ..it was my house and a car involved.
I kept thinking that maybe he really wanted to change his past…being that he left every woman the same way. But, no. The last words my ex said to me was, “I hope you find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved.” I had no response. I hung up on him. He still doesn’t have a clue as to how to love someone.
We need to put our faith in God and know we are in His good hands. He knows what he’s doing. I believe God took away something that was bad for us. I hope it’s true.
I just read all the posts I missed the last few days. I just realized something. The S I dated recently discarded me the day after a very intimate evening. But I’d forgotten that the guy I dated and lived with for 3 years discarded me the same day after an intimate morning. I’m starting to realize that he also had sociopathic tendencies. I’m seeing a lot of similarities. It took me such a long time to get over him. Had I found this site back then, I might have left him much sooner.
I’ve been doing some of the coffee dates, as well, from the dating site. I have lost a lot of the mistrust of the guys’ motives, thankfully. But I compare them all to the ex S. Come to think of it, both exes with sociopathic traits gave me that “marriage” feeling like I’d never felt before with any other guys I dated. I wonder why that is. There really is some sort of intense bonding that happens with types. But it can only happen as long as they control you.
hey Star your comment about the intense bonding (marriage) feeling. I think it is because they want to control us so much. Just like the guy on the other thread was saying that they have a sixth sense. Some of us are still under their spell even knowing they are emotionally challenged and dangerous. Be sure and read the Marine and the sociopath thread – there are some great comment’s and good insight’s to be read.
Stargazer:
I think that it’s because these guys move in really quickly. This can give you the feeling that something is “destined” to be — that “Nights in Rodanthe” stuff that never works in real life. They give you the fairy tale that’s not supposed to come true. And it is just a fairy tale. My ex said ti-ya a few days after a night when he was making love to me and looking me in the eyes and telling me how much he loved me. If things had started to go down the crapper, I would have expected a break in the relationship. But there were absolutely zero clues for me.
Iwonder:
I do believe that God took me off that path for a reason. I very rarely tell people this because they don’t believe me, but after I found out about the affairs — which he promised “No more” — I kept feeling this tap on my back. Sometimes it felt like a nudge. And it told me, very clearly, “Leave. Just walk out now. Pack your things and go.” It always happened when I was doing nothing in particular, like cleaning or writing case briefs. But it was very obvious, and very strong. I told myself that I was crazy, that God didn’t operate like that. But He does. I just didn’t listen to Him.
DEar Unwilling Raconteur,
Your talking abot the “tap” on your shoulder reminded me of something I learned when I was in Africa years ago.
The Bushmen are very “telepathic” for lack of a better word and it seems very “other worldly” how they can KNOW what is going on 50 miles away with their family, etc.
They describe it as a “tapping” in the chest. If they feel a tapping they will sit very quietly and you cannot get them to move, they are like a stone. They “listen” to the “tap” until they know what it means. If it warns them of danger they will turn back around and go back, you cannot make them go forward.
I think that “civilized men” have lost that ability to HEAR OR FEEL our instincts and our gods talking to us through our spirits. I think even if we do “hear or feel” the “tapping” from within we tell ourselves that it is just “nerves” or “I’m imagining things” and we discard it.
I think many of us were warned by God or our instincts to “turn back” from the Ps but we didn’t LISTEN. Or we negated it, or brushed it aside, to our great injury.
In the middle of my fear of my life from the psychopaths and my “insanity” of fear, sadness, heartbreak and terror, when I was almost immobile from anxiety and vascilation, I feel like God took me by the hand and “led me through the valley of the shadow of death, to lie down in green pastures.”
I read the story of when David was hiding in a cave from King Saul who was hunting him to kill him. Saul was the ultimate Psychopath. God, through Saul’s son Jonathan, warned David to flee and he did. That story in the Bible spoke to me like the voice of God spoke to Moses on the mountain whenhe gave him the 10 commandments. I don’t mean I actually “heard” an actual voice, but it was just as “clear”—and it saved my life. YOu can call it a “hunch” or “instinct” or “subconscious” or you can Call it GOD. I call it GOD.
my intuition and subconscience was screaming at me that this (person) was evil and taking advantage. I kicked him out 5 times during the three years he was here. Never in my life will I forgive myself for falling for his pity and lie’s. Too this day I am still embarrassed and humiliated with myself for doing so. My intuition has saved my life in the past. (HE) was like no one I ever met. he was like satan – he cast a spell on me two years before he ever took the time to say hello – he just walked in my life and took over. I am not like that.
Henry, Henry, Henry … how many times do I have to tell you … it’s OK to LOVE.
It’s not our fault that they can’t love and don’t know how great it is to do so.
Stop beating yourself up for being a loving, caring, thoughtful person.
You are going to make a great partner for the right person some day … and all this will be a forgotten memory … Remember … we do have alzeheimers to look forward too … DRS … that’s a good thing (oh, I’m doing my Martha now … tee hee).
Peace.