Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
Thank you Iwonder,
How do you know that it was’ent you. How do you know your not wrong? How do you know that you did not take things to personally? How do you know that you did not over exagerate what really happened? How do you know that you were not just overly sensitive. How can you forgive yourself if you have made a mistake and it was you and not him who was the problem? How do you know that you are not crazy. And if you were right, how can you ever, ever trust again. How can you not scare the living sh#t out of the next person you might even be thinking of taking another chance with.
Do you ask for date of birth, Social security #, blood and urine sample, 3 previous relationship references ect?
How do you ever start to feel again?
Thank you
Molly,
I’ve been out of the relationship 5 months and a lot has transpired to open my eyes. First, when i contacted the wife, she told me he wouldn’t let her out of the house..unless they were together. She felt like a caged animal inside 4 walls. He did not want her to work. He told her not to wear jewelry. He cut her off from her family and friends. He accused her of looking at guys and cheating. They fought constantly. He spit in her face and called her a whore.
The only difference with me was that I had to work. He did not like it and called the office 20 times a day to see if I was talking to guys. He wanted me to wear certain clothes…jackets to cover my butt and shirts that buttoned up to the neck. His jealousy got me fired. Then he wanted me to find a job working out of the house. We fought. He spit in my face and called me a whore too. He has 7 kids out there with different moms he abandoned. Obviously, he does not love a woman enough to stay very long…or…he abuses them to the point they leave.
It’s the same pattern Molly! It’s not me! IT’S NOT YOU EITHER. I just had the luck to speak with the ex and she was kind enough to speak with me!
Now he’s on to a new victim. She’s probably getting hammered too.
Sleep well tonight Molly, knowing that you are not getting trashed or abused. Knowing that the devil is not in your space…and that God is protecting you from ever going back there.
The Bible tells us, ask and you will receive. So, if you want a loving man who truly cares for you, God will not let you be with this person again. God Bless.
yep sounds like the result of living with a sociopath to me – they make you think you are crazy – please order this book Meaning from Madness by richard skerritt it saved my life
Henry,
Thanks for reminding me about “one day at a time”. It is funny that you likened the relationship to a drug. Yesterday I celebrated 6 years of sobriety. How I got through all this, this far without drinking is beyond me. But you are right…I must look at him like a drink or drug. There is no such thing as just one….I know if I drink again, I will die. If I would go back with him the samething could happen. I hope someday I stop feeling guilty for telling the truth about how I feel about my relationship with him. I think I will always hope I am wrong. Who wants to believe that the person they have loved there entire life “might be a sociopath”. I hope I am wrong.
Thanks stargazer….
One more comment about me knowing it’s him and not me. My ex S knows it’s him and he just can’t or doesn’t know where to start on changing. One time after a fight, he said to me, “don’t you think I’ve seen the same tears over and over again from women?” “I just can’t control it” (the temper that is.) I said, “so, you have no control over yourself???” PA LEEZE. They know exactly what they are doing. It was just a comment for me to feel pity for him. To try to help him, fix him. I couldn’t fix him. Couldn’t help him.
Thanks Iwonder and Henry
I will try and get the book.
I try and sleep well, but I keep waking up at the same time I had to wake up when I was with him. I am doing all I can to get a better night sleep. Actually, my boss and his sister just bought me a very comfortable mattress and box spring. It was the only thing I had left to make my new “abode” complete. As, I look around I am so very greatful that I had a wonderful support system to come back to. Everything in my new little apartment has been given to me by friends and strangers. What more could I ask for.
Iwonder at first I was mad at GOD.
After I got married my husband told me…you are now my wife and I am your husband…you will be submissive and obediant…I thought he was kidding..but he was not…he even pointed out to me that god said this in the bible.
Today, I believe that god did for me what I could not do for myself. I kept thinking that he was not anwsering my prayers. I would beg god every night to please help me MAKE my marriage work. I would wake up the next day and it only seemed to get worse. I do not know if it is true or not. But now I believe that God did for me what I could not do for myself…maybe it did not get better, because he wanted me to become afraid enough so I would leave?
Molly: Wow!! My ex said the same crap to me! “It’s in the Bible that the man is dominant over the woman. She has to submit!” That doesn’t mean we are supposed to be treated like objects to be done with as the man pleases. No. No. No. My neighbor is a minister and we just had this conversation yesterday. The exes are misinterpreting the Bible to their liking.
God didn’t want you to hurt anymore. He took you out of a miserable situation. Had your husband known God, he would have respected and loved you…not hurt you.
I don’t believe God wants anyone to hurt anyone else….emotionally or physically.
Yeah, my ex told me I had to submit. One day, I asked him to do me a favor and stop by the dry cleaners (since i wasn’t allowed to go there myself in case I looked at guys.) He snapped and said “why don’t you go? you go by yourself anyway behind my back, don’t you?” I defended myself and he grabbed me by the throat. It was at that point I knew things would only get worse and he was on the verge of getting physically abusive.
Thank God there was another woman he had on the side to go to…I could just imagine what was coming down the pike should he have stayed. God took me out of that situation…even if it hurt.
Thanks Henry!!
IWONDER..The very first time I asked my Husband to do something for me was the day after I got out of the cardiac unit of a hospital. I needed him to get my prescription filled, it was not important to him and he seemed to want to do it when he was good and ready. I waited in till he was in the shower and I went into the next room so I would be far away from him. Then I lost it, I yelled from the other room (I finally felt safe enough to yell) I said I was sick of feeling like I did not matter. “I had driven my self to the immidiate care clinic..when I arrived they called an ambulance and rushed me to the hospital”. Anyway, I yelled I am not supose to drive, don’t you get it…I am supose to take it easy”. I then left and went to get my medicine. When I returned there was $500.00 on the bed and he obviously pack a bag. I called one of his friends..later that night the friend called and said that he was ok but just needed some space to deal with things. I thought wait a minute…I was the one who ended up in a cardiac unit…when my husband came to see me he kept falling asleep, when I told him to leave he said he was worried about me, then in the next breath he said “I had to clean the cat litter box (his cat) and by the way we were out of milk ect. I could not believe his friend was seirous when he said..this has been hard on him. My husband finally called me 3 days later and said..I just want you to know I have not used and I have not killed myself. All I could say was thank you for letting me know. He called again a few days later and said the samething but added..I just want you to know I have not taken my wedding ring off….What was that supose to mean.
I am still wanting anwsers. I still want someone to tell me why? I still want to know what my part was in all this.
Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.
Thank you so very much!!!!
molly I have been blogging here for 6 months, reading everybodys post, have read a stack of books about sociopaths narcissist phycopaths borderline’s cluster B’s, the one thing I can assure you from my point of view is you will never understand HIM – you will never find REASON – and at some point we stop looking for answers and stop putting all our energy into US – they are a big mystery – we can educate ourselves about them but unless you have been involved with one you will never understand why we ask so many questions, and I realize that to try to figure out what happened only holds us back sometimes there just are no good answers
Dear Molly,
I wonder if your husband’s “Bible” had the passage in it that commands a husband to “love your wives, even as you love yourself”? Obviously that line had been cut out of his!
Molly, I believe very much that our God protects us, and cares for us, and I have faith that God saved my life from the Psychopaths in my family who were literally trying to kill me, but there were some LESSONS there, and I didn’t “get the lessons” the first few times, and I had to take “remedial psychopath” over a couple of times, but in the end, I finally got the spiritual lesson from the psychopaths and about the psychopaths.
The reassurance I get from the verse that “ALL things work together for GOOD to those that Love the Lord” has kept me going when I didn’t see a reason to keep going.
EVil exists in this world and some people chose to do evil, to act evil, to be evil, and even though these people hurt us to the core, we can grow spiritually and emotionally and in every other way from these encounters. Just as weight lifting makes your muscles stronger, emotional challenges make our minds and hearts and our spirits stronger. (((hugs))))