Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
Gemini,
I’m so glad you found this site. Keep reading, and you will find others’ stories very helpful. You are not alone in what you are going through. Please go easy on yourself for staying with him. I knew my ex was married when I dated him. I have never dated a married man. But he had convinced me they were separated for many months and only waiting for his medical discharge from the army in order to file the actual papers. It turned out to be all a lie. Sociopaths are extremely seductive, and it is actually their life mission to seduce and exploit others. They are very good at it. I’m amazed at what master manipulators they are.
Dear Gemini_fairy,
You DID ALLOW THIS ABUSE, but it is NOT I repeat NOT your fault that he abused you. He had NO RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU.
Having said that, accepting the part that WE PALYED BY ALLOWING IT is a hard HARD HARD part in our healing process. I think that FORGIVING MYSELF was the real turning point for me. I forgave them even (doesn’t mean I trusted them, or wanted back in the relationship, but I “forgave” them, i.e. got the bitterness out of my heart toward them() but UNTIL I FORGAVE MYSELF AND MY PART IN ALLOWING IT, I wasn’t going any further in my healing process.
There are some GREAT ARTICLES here, including two I wrote, one on forgiving them and one on forgiving YOURSELF. There are also many many wonderful articles on just about every aspect of the healing process. Reading them, intellecutally accepting the truth in them, and then EMOTIONALLY accepting the truth in them, it will get you on toward healing. It is a bumpy road with many twists, turns and pot holes and rocks to stub your toe on, but it is COMPLETELY WORTH THE TRIP.
I am at a stage now where each day is a NEW JOY for me, yet there are still aspects of myself that I am still WORKING ON, and I hope I never stop working on making me a better person to others and TO MYSELF.
Until the worst of your pain is gone, it is not possible to focus on the subtle aspects of your life that you even know you need to “fix”–you are in such pain with your broken leg that you can’t feel the bleeding scratch on your finger. If that makes any sense.
I beat the crap out of myself for so long, and others told me not to, but it was difficult to stop a LIFE LONG DYSFUNCTIONAL HABIT. Now I am working on other things that I have “accepted” as “normal” all my life and they are NOT good or normal.
Hang in there sweetie!
God bless you Oxy……You DO have a way with words, but most importantly, your words are TRUTHS.
I think the “forgiving ourselves” part of the healing process is one of the hardest parts, and perhaps one of the last things we accomplish on the healing journey. Being people with a conscience, I think it’s the nature of the beast to be hard on ourselves and to place blame and regret on our own shoulders… but you are right.. it is never one’s fault, nor does anyone deserve abuse…. plain and simple……never..ever ..Amen
Sweet auntie Oxy… your healing is always evident in the care and kindness you share with those here who have just been plummeled by a socio, and even with us veterans…. and as sorry as I am to know that your entire life has been filled with anti-socials, (and the pain that goes with that, I could never imagine) I am thankful that you have risen above and shared your knowledge and your heart with us.
Jen2008,
Mine did just the opposite with one of his other women. It was someone he worked with. She wasn’t very attractive and was quite large, so I never would have suspected her. He always made fun of her, criticized her, said terrible things about her. But … he “borrowed” money from her, got her to get him huge discounts on computer programs, and took advantage of her. I later found out that this was the person who was in our home during the day when I was working. Once she busted him, he said some really nasty things about her. I mean, really bad. And this is someone he was physically intimate with. From whom he took money.
I didn’t know what to think. I just listened to him cut her down like she was nothing (and granted, what she did was really bad), feeling sick to my stomach. I would never talk about a former lover that way. Never. If I were so repulsed by them, I wouldn’t have been with them in the first place.
unwilling:
he wasn’t repulsed. it wasn’t even the issue.
my ex said horrible things about his wife, and she was gorgeous and had a model’s body.
it’s not about that. they don’t really think much of anything. want sex? there’s a willing female and … hey … i can get money from her, too!
my ex cut me down to a quick; god only knows what he’s said about me since our breakup. but he never complained while he was using me! i’m big and not that attractive, but he knew me when i was thin and young and pretty, too.
again, not the point.
as long as they can get what they want, looks isn’t an issue (unless they are going somewhere and need to impress, then they’ll choose the trophy bitch for that night).
each one they use has something different to offer.
sort of goes back to that hardly any of these s/p/n’s ever lived alone. they use and use and use … anyone … as long as they get what they want. when it’s over they trash and burn.
my ex did it to his gorgeous wife, my old, fat self AND it won’t be long before his pregnant girlfriend is trashed too.
it’s what they do. the only people they’re repulsed by are the ones they can’t control.
looks are COMPLETELY incidental. it’s about power, sex, control, money — in whatever order these pods choose.
Lost, All …
I tracked down his latest victim. OMG … he went and did it. He left the country. I think it was the IRS thing, to be honest. He’s in Japan, and this poor girl on Myspace thinks that he’s visiting Japan to start a business. He’s not … he’s staying with one of his other lovers. I am so torn … she’s just so young and sweet-looking, and everything she says sounds exactly like what i said.
I don’t know how to warn her to GET OUT. I know that I should …
What would you guys do? Is there an anonymous way to do this?
Lostingrief you are so right! old, fat, gourgeous they DO NOT CARE!!! Mine actually would tell me – again with the red flags and warning signs – how all he wanted to do was “demolish white women” (he himself is bi-racial -father black and his mother is white). Didn’t matter what color they were, what they looked like though. My question is – looking back on it now I know that he was using me for my car, my phone, place to stay, sex whenever and however often he wanted it but WHAT CAN AN 18 YEAR OLD GIRL OFFER YOU? Pretty or not Sex? okay I can get with that idea – part of the reason I still have anxious overanalyzing thoughts but It’s like hey did you not realize what you had? I was doing okay last month. Lately lots of crazy swirly thoughts going through my mind.
Unwilling,
If I were you I would just leave it alone. Countless and I mean countless times I want to send out a warning. She lives with her parents and numerous times I have felt like calling these people to warn them about their daughter. I, unfortunately for my overactive mind, know her address, her place of employment, phone numbers and on and on. But when it gets down to it she’s more than likely not going to believe you anyway or your ex is going to make you seem like your crazy.
Mine actually called me crazy when I called her to confront her that night. However if you do feel you should say something, there are anonymous ways to do this if you absolutely feel you must. Many internet services – like yahoo – you can set up an account using an anonymous user name.
Gemini,
The likely attraction with 18-year-olds is that they can be easily controlled and manipulated. They won’t be much of a challenge to his ego. They will think he is funny and dote on his every word.
Yes, true I am sure. That has been the most difficult part for me even though I know all of the other crap he pulled and put me through should be. I’m 34 and although I do not look my age since this has happened my self-esteem has completely gone down the toilet. I used to be so confident in myself and my looks and the fact that my mother raised me with some class but lately….. It’s hard. However, veering off track a little, I have to say as depressed and as difficult as this has been for me I’ve managed to keep myself from contacting him or anyone associated with him. It’s been been 2 months since I last spoke to him when he called me at 1:00 a.m. with his “I didn’t know if you thought I was an @.......$%hole or if you wanted me to call, I miss you.” Of course he promptly follwed it up with asking if he could come over? When I told him he couldn’t he got upset.
I haven’t heard from him. Part of me thinks (and wants him to) he’ll call part of me wants to smash his face in. I figure he’s just off in his new happy life with the teenager.