Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
My ex has no access to my condo anymore. I have a few lingering items here and there of his but I’m actually going to make use of my fireplace and burn them. Should keep me toasty. My only bit of revenge in giving back his stuff. He had several black shirts that were favorites of his. I sprayed the laundry basket with bleach before I loaded his clothes up. His favorite pair of jeans were used in a part of a cleansing ritual that a Santeria priestess performed. If there is anything left that I have he can forget getting it back.
I haven’t really had a good – if there is such a thing – cry in almost a month. However I’m not holding it too much together right now. Just found out from my friend that months prior to him being put out my ex told him on one of many occassions he had upset me so much I was in tears (at work) that “that’s just how I am. I always end up being with the WOUNDED ONES.” It was like being stabbed to hear that. And that my friend never said anything to me in an effort to not betray his trust. Perhaps it could have saved me a few months of time and energy.
Hi Gemini & Folks: The loser did not pick up his tv’s. This morning was rough. I ran into a lady who works in the store where me and the ex would shop every week. She asked if I am separated from my fiance. I told her the sad truth that he had another woman all along. She said she sees them together every afternoon shopping in the store.
Why in the hell would my ex bring his girlfriend all the way across town to shop in the store where I go every afternoon? Maybe he wants to rub it in my face. He’s such an A.H. It is the store where he used to work where we met.
I left him a message this morning how much of an idiot i feel in town because everyone knows i was taken for a fool. And also that i will never shop in that store anymore.
I told him to pick up his tv’s today or they are curbside. I do not want anymore bad memories.
He is an A.H. for doing that. Had me and my ex had a place we frequently go to he would do the same thing. This is one thing I can be glad of. We never spent anytime in a place where people saw us frequently except at the restaurant we worked at. (And after the split I found out he brought her there and introduced her to a couple of the guys as his “fun bunny”) I avoid that place like the plague.
Today is a difficult day for me. It’s this gorgeous, crisp sunny October day and the first day in which he will have his two days off from work. I hate it because my thoughts go to him and the OW whom I know he was probably with on these days off when he was living with me. It’s a pretty depressing day for me today
Wonderwoman, what a giant AH he is! I’m sorry you had to hear this tidbit of information. I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing your feelings. He does not deserve it!!! I hope some day you can have total NC, without hearing what he’s doing. I know every time I even hear my ex’s name, I feel shellshocked.
You and Gemini are not alone in your bad day. I too am having a rough time. I really thought I had moved on from the brief relationship with the S. But I am intense pain and grieving today–I’m not sure why. I am longing for him terribly. And BTW, the sex was great, he always paid for everything, and I never had any bad times with him, if you don’t count the pathological lies. I cannot believe how hard I fell for him. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like when you’ve been with someone like this for years. It was only about 3 months, and it ended early July. Why am I in so much pain still? I really felt like I’d moved on. I don’t understand. It’s so painful, I can only feel it a little, then go right back into numbness.
Star & Gemini: I think he wants satisfaction of me seeing him with the OW. Why? He’s the one who cheated on me. It’s like saying, “Ha Ha, look at my woman. You’re nothing to me anymore” and to show the OW at the same time she’s everything to him. It’s almost like in his sick mind, he wants payback. For what? Kicking him out and taking the car back? UGH! I will not give him or her the satisfaction of seeing me at that store. All my neighbors shop there too. He doesn’t have one ounce of shame. Scumbag.
Star,
Mine too was not long. It was technically a year but the emotional whirlwind didn’t occur until he moved in with me. That was about 4 months. I don’t know why we still grieve an want them so terribly?
Like I said, the last I heard from him was 2 months ago and I remember it like it was yesterday seeing his name on the caller ID it was like a feeling of panic and excitement and nervousness all at once. Now suddenly I have heard nothing! Sometimes I feel like I am all sad and depressed because I want to feel like he’s still thinking about me and wants him to call.
Somedays I feel like I should just get my number changed. At least I wouldn’t feel the anxiousness I do looking at the caller ID constantly.
BTW – For as much as I miss him, want to see him, and feel so depressed right now. I know we are going to be okay. Thanks to this site I feel so much better and loved. Hang in there! I will keep you in my thoughts. I will be playing two of my fave songs today on heavy rotation to help. So you can find either of them and need a little something to help calm you these two are pretty good.
“Keep Breathing” – Ingrid Michaelson
“Better In Time” – Leona Lewis
Gemini,
Thanks, I know exactly how you are feeling. I have grieved before, but this just feels so much more intense. I have been dreaming of my soulmate since I was 5 years old, and have dreamed about him many many times. The dreams range across cultures and time periods, and even seem like past life memories. In all the dreams, my love died or was killed, and I’m grieving. This feels like the same pain–of losing my Beloved. Even though I only knew him a short time, this is how I felt about him. I did not get the classic devalue, controlling, verbal abuse, etc. that many victims got. I left purely on the basis of his pathological lies and no-shows. All of my memories of being with him are very positive, with him acting like he was very much in love with me. I can only hope that this grief is about something deeper from childhood that I’m trying to heal. But I don’t know. I will look for those songs on youtube and listen with you.
For Wonderwoman: It is a form of control and game playing–you are right. My ex knew I was going to the last reptile show in town. He showed up and followed me around, standing 2 inches from me the whole time, but never saying anything. He just wanted to assert control over me. It is SO hard when your ex lives close you you and hangs out at the same places you do. There is so much of your life you have to give up to get NC. But you should make a pact with yourself that if you ever run into him, BEHAVE LIKE HE DOES NOT EXIST! Even if you’re shaking inside, do not say anything to him; do not look at him; DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT POWER. You can always go home and blog here, beat up a pillow, or whatever you need to do. But not with him. You WILL get through this, sweetie.
Your welcome! Those two are kind of slow ones. Believe me I have two entire playlists of songs just for these days. Slow ones, fast ones, “I’m going to scream and cuss you out songs”.
Interesting you say that about past life memories. I had my chart read years ago. I should have asked her some questions about the loves that I may have had. You would think I would be a little stronger than i exhibted being with him because I was apparently a High Preistess in Ireland many lifes ago. How do I go from that in my past life to letting a lowlife (because mine was devaluing, controlling and verbally abusive) ruin my life? I guess that’s the point of past lives – your supposed to learn and grow from them.
Another song to check out is Pink’s new one So What – dedicated to her ex. Great! Upbeat song!
Hi, Gals,
You know it is best, I think, and was for me anyway, to quit listening to “tidbits” of information about them and the OW. All it does is make you hurt and turn the knife, cause it is another wound.
NO CONTACT, even by “remote control” or “by proxy” or “by third party” is best for healing because it lets us NOT GET NEW WOUNDS. Every time we are wounded AGAIN, it sets us back. For a while after I found out he had “hired” someone to kill me, Ikept a close eye on the P-son, and waht was going on with him (the letters he wrote to others) etc. and I keep alittle eye on the Trojan Horse Psychopath my son set to kill me, like when he will get out of prison (I stopped his first attempt at parole) and I did a little face-to-face business with mom, and boy did I stop that and now do it all through my sons, no conversations at all.
That has been a BIG help to my healing. Even though too, we are in physical no contact, we need to work toward EMOTIONAL no contact where we don’t crave and go after information about how they are doing. Believe me when I tell you that NO INFORMATION, NADA, ZIP, ZERO, NONE is the best way to go. From personal pain and experience it’s the best way to go.
As far as their stuff and them not coming to get it. Give them ONE chance and then TOSS it. You are not responsible for their crap, all it does is give them another hook to wound you with. If they don’t like it that you threw it out when they said they would come and didn’t, Tough patootie!