Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
I do feel very lucky, after reading some of your stories. But I assure you, the pain I’ve gone through could not have been any worse. I was suicidal for about a month afterward. But I did get out early. I will never see some of the post-discard behaviors many of you experienced. If I had, it might have been easier to let go.
I like to think that part of my getting out early was due to some (partly) good boundaries. After the second no-show/no-call, I was done. If he had started asking me for money it would have been a big red flag. My psychological nature is to want someone to take care of me. I am more attracted to the type of guys who are not dependent on me. I’ve dated types like that, and I lose interest quickly. I did let him get away with a lot of broken promises–mostly saying he was going to call and then not call. He must have done this a dozen times. I convinced myself that he had short-term memory loss due to his head injury–the one I found out he is faking. But the whole time I knew him, he behaved like a man and a gentleman. His presence and desire to take care of me made me literally weak in the knees. I felt like he was the man I was waiting for.
I realize in writing this that most of your S’s started out the same way–charming and chivalrous. And they turned after you got hooked. So yes I feel extremely lucky that I just left after a few months of inconsistencies and found this site.
To answer your question, wonderwoman, the army asked for sworn statements. My friends and I (4 of us total) wrote sworn statements, and I faxed them in. The faxes were received. I have not heard anything back from his platoon sergeant, so I have not idea what happened. I have not called her, because I figure if he’d gotten punished, she would have told me by now. Either they are still investigating, or they have let him go out of fear of making waves. I don’t care to ever find out, to tell you the truth. I’d rather just have him fade out of my life.
Since he found out I turned him in, he has not posted on the reptile site any more, thankfully. That’s really all I ever wanted–to totally break contact. At some point, I will post a thread on that site and tell the story of what happened. I will pose the question as to whether people who are known frauds and criminals can be banned from a site. If I play it correctly, I may actually be able to make some new rules for my internet forum.
In retrospect, this feeling of incompleteness and longing for someone to take care of me is what I need to work on–it’s part of the borderline pathology in my personality. But in general, I’m very self-sufficient, and very rarely get involved with men. I am not one to jump at any relationship, though I get a lot of offers. He was really special. He really lit up all of my attraction buttons.
Star: If you would have stayed with the sociopath, he would have eventually asked for money. Mine didn’t until almost three months in. Of course, I’d paid for some of our dates — one night he paid, the other night, I did. That was my BIG MISTAKE! I didn’t believe that I should be “courted.” Modern woman, making the money, treating her man. Yes, some would have appreciated it. This one took advantage.
Iwonder: If all of these guys told the truth, none of us would be with them. That’s that. It’s like the guy who angles for a one-night stand, making a girl believe that he’s really interested in her. If he told her, “Hey, I’m gonna hump you once and never call again, okay?” there’s no way in he** he’d get laid. Lies are necessary for the con.
My ex-S did have money — not as much as I did, but enough to get by on his own. The thing is, he wanted *more.* So what he’d do is whip through all his cash on expensive meals, bar tabs, “mini-vacations,” then at the end of the month when he was strapped, he’d come to me. He used the excuse of “But I paid for all those nice dinners!” Well, okay … but I didn’t ask for them, creep — you offered. I shouldn’t have had to “pay him back” for the money he spent on *our* entertainment. Fact is, he was the one who wanted all of the lavish stuff, not me. I just provided the sex afterward. I know that now.
Gemini: My ex-S is so full of crap. He had so many big plans for projects that never went through, it’s amazing. Now, he could have made them happen with a good business plan and … oh, that thing called “work?” You wouldn’t believe his next “scheme” even if I told you. Putting it this way: imagine one of the most useless services known to mankind during the time of turmoil, something that no right-minded human would spend money on, and chances are you’re close. 🙂
Did any of your ex S’s ever buy you something nice? Mine bought me a nice camera one time but broke it during a fight. He never replaced it.
You may be right, UnwillingR. If the army kicks him out without pension or with a reduced pension, his dating money would not be overflowing any more, and he may have tried to play me for money. I don’t think I would have given him any. I guard my money very well, since I have so little, and I’ve worked so hard for it. I think it would have been a big red flag. I know this sounds wierd, but I envy that most of you even had that kind of money to share with someone. I suppose if I had money, I’d be more generous with it, too. You were just being kind and loving–the way a friend/partner should be. And you got taken for a ride.
I am really old fashioned and believe the guy should always pay for dates (mostly). I am used to all my past boyfriends paying for our dates, although I would cook meals, arrange picnics, buy them gifts, etc. It actually sickens me to hear about all these modern men who think women should “pay their own way” and go dutch on everything. What ever happened to courting????? I will not even consider dating a man who will not take me out on dates. To me, that’s what a man is and what a man does. When the tables turn and I have to be the man in the relationship, I lose interest. If I have a first meet with a guy on a dating site, and he does not offer to even buy my coffee, there will be no second date.
Stargazer — You know, the thing is, I *didn’t* have that kind of money. Not really. What I did have was a modest sum that I got from a divorce settlement. That was put aside for my “emergency” fund — you know, the money that you use to pay for car repairs or emergency dental work? It wasn’t that much by any stretch, but it was enough to lure in a sociopath.
I made a decent salary. I was able to put a couple of hundred dollars a month in savings. I was often able to treat myself to things during the month — a meal at a good restaurant, some clothes, a ticket to a music concert. When I was with my ex-S, I gave up the money that I would have spent on myself and used it on him. I stopped being able to “save.”
To some, that might not constitute a huge loss, but when suddenly you look at your bank accounts and you realize that all of your emergency money is gone, it’s really scary. Now I live from one month to the next.
Iwonder
In the very begining , a birthday gift ,but just that once !
Six years
Love Jere
Recount
I too did’nt have that money or make that money most of it . It came just as you say from my IRA my attempts to save , the extra money I have the IRS hold for me till tax time , and the money my folks gave me to try to survive ! I’m not hungry but I can’t go get a burger !
Love Jere
Unwilling, I have to admit defeat and say I’m stumped on what his “scheme” was. Call me a little slow. I know once you tell me I’ll say “oh, man!” Well here’s one for you mine was going to go back to school so he could be a lawyer/bail bondsman. The former – still on 5 years of probation – prisoner. While I was with him he had another scheme brewing but that obviously fell through after I stopped letting him use my car because he never mentioned it again.
Hey everyone!!! Just blogging to blog. Trying to keep myself from making contact with the ex tonight. Star I’m trying to hang in there as you said in another post but boy tonight is hard. I know it’s his day off and my mind and thoughts just keep wandering. Wondering what he’s doing? And feeling a conflicting and overwhelming bunch of emotions ranging from anger for what he did to missing him and it’s driving me a little batty.
Hi, Gemini. Tell me what you need me to say that will stop you from keep contacting him! Okay, I’ll try to do this impromptu …
It will only upset you. Chances are you’re not going to get resolution. He’s not going to say anything different. I think that a lot of time — particularly for me in the beginning — I just kept waiting for him to ask for my forgiveness or at least apologize or make amends. It never happened.
Contacting him and talking to him will only make you “miss” him more, not less. He’s probably doing something that you don’t want to know about, trust me on that. When I talked to my ex-S, he once started telling me about his sordid affair with an ENGAGED language instructor … I was appalled, girl. I couldn’t believe that anyone had morals quite *that* low.
Okay, what else? There’s probably something really good on t.v. tonight. I like watching the real life courtroom dramas, Dateline, 48 Hours, “Snapped” — that one’s always good and cathartic.
Am I helping or making things worse?