Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
Molly
Yes you will and can get thru all this and more if you need too.. But it takes time and a lot of work. Here I need to recap on what Donna Andersen wrote:
“But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.”
Learning reading and studying all one can about this subject is what we need to do. Some of it will give you reassurance support and still some of it will just put you in a “another” state of astonishment. I would read the book Henry recommended but I would also like to recommend reading Patricia Evans book: Controlling People “How to recognize, Understand and deal with people who try to control you”.. This book I am now reading is “spellbinding”! I can’t even put in down.. It is one really good book and a must read for us all…
Excellent insights on this thread. Aloha – you are so right – I remember a very good therapist once saying a good relationship is like this (puts hands together as if to pray palms facing) not like this (clasps hands together with fingers entwined). In other words, each person in the relationship is strong and seperate, but close together, not enmeshed and merged into one.
I feel I am done with most of the emotional pain, and am presently doing what Donna did, trying to find and chase $$$ions that my ex P stole from my business. The thing is I cannot afford the forensics, but have evidence of stuff he did that would make life VERY difficult for him.
But here is the rub. Can I put my kids through the hell that would be unleashed if I charge him?
He is giving me very little in the way of options, as he is claiming all my assets and saddling me with massive debt that I had no part in creating. Any suggestions, insights, advice??
To get back to the topic of healing and does the pain revisit, I would like to add that in my waking hours I have nothing but disgust for him and his actions, I see clearly now what he is, and still am processing how I could have chosen to be blind ( as in eyeswideshut) all those years.
But every once in a while I wake from a vivid dream where he is with me. He is very close to me and helping me with some task, he is being gentle and kind and loving, he is well dressed and handsome and sexy. In my dream I am being sucked back in and warming to his presence. In my dream I start to say NO no no, and then I wake up.
What I have realized is that the dream is the longing for the “imaginary” him. The partner I created in my head, the one he helped me construct with all his lies, the false “nice guy – upstanding family man, provider etc” that I thought was my husband.
And yes I do mourn losing “him”. I mourn that “he”was never real, that I shared a life with “him” and loved him but he never existed. “He” was there for me and loved me back, but that too was a hollowgram.
Having come from neglect and abuse as a child, and struggled with poor relationship choices until I met him in my late twenties, I was ripe for the picking. Desperate for a “normal” relationship, the stability of marriage, his mirage of a good husband, successful businessman etc was irresistable to me after years of struggling as a single parent.
So Southern man, I would say, yes there is an empty spot, a sad place left behind, but it is the empty spot left by the shattered illusion of who we thought we knew and loved, I think, it is missing “the one” we ourselves helped create.
In lighter moments I think of it like finding out about Santa and the tooth fairy, the easter bunny and so on. Except of course for the fact that they (the P’s) rip out our hearts on the way through, they are fantasies. Total make believe.
(((Happy Healing to all)))
Amen and again thank you Donna for all your help.
Dear Eyeswideshut,
There was a time when I dreamed and dreamed and dreamed vivid dreams of trying to talk to “them” and convince them, over and over and over, the dreams had a “theme”though they were not identical, but I finally realized that they were telling me how I had been “enabling” and not taken care of myself at all. After that, the dreams ended as if they had finally gotten their point across and now I didn’t need to send myself messages in my dreams any more about that point. LOL
I know going after them legally has a “PRICE” to us and our children, not ONLY in money but in energy and emotion. There is no one but you who can determine if the “price” is “worth” what you are getting. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t.
I have come to an acceptance of the “price” I had to pay for my peace—and even Looking back I am satisfied that I GOT A BARGAIN. I got the Ps out of my life, and I won’t recover the money it cost me, but IT WAS WORTH EVERY CENT to get my DIL out of my son’s home and into jail where she belonged.
I look at the story in the Bible of Job, and though I don’t compare my suffering in intensity to his (he lost the lives of his children etc) there are a great many parallels, and now I too have been “restored” 10 fold to what I had before as far as happiness and contentment are concerned.
It sounds like you are making some good progress in your healing and I am so glad for you! I pray that each of us reaches that spot that one day we roll over in our beds and realize “I’m HAPPY!”
Donna,
I am looking forward to reading your book. The title speaks so true to the experience, “Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing”. It’s marvelous. Truly. I am amazed by the spiritual journey that appears to come as part and parcel to the P experience. I don’t find that a coincidence either.
Through these experiences, no matter how horrid they may be, we find out in the end what is true about ourselves vs. this world. We are defined by our spirit, our core, and not by the materialistic things of this world including the temporary and transient mindset of today.
I have found through my experience that even though my heart can be broken and my body can be broken, no one and nothing of this world will ever break my spirit! My responsibility is to nurture my spirit and protect it so that I can continue to live a life of giving and serving and loving without fear. It takes wisdom and obedience and walking in the truth to do that.
Thanks for your post 🙂
“Lucy”
Wow it feels like forever since I’ve posted here! I don’t even know if I already shared this but I took a respite to study for my LPC exam and thankfully passed it last month. That is the grace of God right there! Now I am “Lucy”, LPC (licensed professional counselor) :)) Oxy, I can hang my sign up now and start charging! Do you think I can raise my fee from 5 cents? LOL
I’d like to thank all of you here on LF. It sounds funny but I couldn’t have made it this far without all of you. It is amazing how God places people in our lives and provides for our needs. I know this site has been an answer to prayer for so many of us.
In this past year you’ve all reminded me on a daily basis, through your posts and sharing with one another, that we are all OK and we’re not the insane ones! We’ve been through more than we bargained for but the wisdom we’ve gained, whether we feel it or not, is priceless.
Spreading our wisdom to others both here and in our daily lives is not only taking back who we are but becoming more fully who we are intended to be…loving, kind, forgiving, responsible, trustworthy and genuine, just to name a few… We have been deeply wounded by our experiences but we are rising victorious over those who have harmed us. The fact that we hurt is, crazy to say, a reason to rejoice. It means we can FEEL. We choose to feel. We experience life in a way that allows us to grow. We are raising the bar of expectations in others to restore it to a place where it should be. To say no more to the selfishness in our culture and the ego-driven men and women who for whatever reason feel it is OK to walk on others or take from others to satisfy their greed. We are not to be walked on because we count and if we don’t stand up and say that for ourselves, who in this crazy world of ours will?
That’s where my screen name came from. I am taking me back and no longer allowing anyone to define me or to tell me what’s right. I am a Christian and as such I follow one God and his name is not Frank or any other man or woman who has tried to tear me down rather than build me up. That is not love. So I choose love and I choose truth. I see the same in all of us here trying to figure out how to heal our wounds and how to live within a society virtually breeding the ego-mentality. I see all of us taking back what is good and true and saying no more.
I truly pray that the changes that come from our lives through these horrid experiences ends up rippling out far and wide. To me it’s about change and about holding others accountable for who they are and what they do. Even if living a life to model that is the only way I can do it, I will do it. I may not get money back or materialistic things back or hear apologies that I am owed. In the end the only thing that matters to me is whether I’m living a life that God is pleased with, that I’m following His plan for me, and that I’m somehow making a positive mark on this world.
I continue to pray for everyone on here and to be thankful that we’ve all been led to LF…a place where we can rant and rave, share and learn, laugh and love and GROW. Here we experience all of life…together.
“Lucy”
Thank you sooo much everyone for your comments, suggestions and sharing your experiences, strengths and hopes. I litteraly was ready to purchase a plane ticket on my plastic fly to where I escaped from…sit in front of his door and demand that he explain to me “what the hell happened”. I wanted to “make” him look at me in the eye and explain to me from the very moment that we got back together what his motives were………..you have once again given me hope.
Henery were on the internet do I go to get that book you suggested.
Donna, I owe you my life for starting this blog. You took something bad and did something good with it. I was recently asked to be part of a story on DV in a local magazine. At first I said yes, after the interview I realized everything I told was the truth and I literally became ill. I called the reporter and told her I changed my mind. I am 2000 miles away and still afraid of him. However, I recently called her back and went through with it as all of you inspired me. I am not going to be a chicken $hit anymore..even if it does cost me my life. If I can help even one person think twice it would be worth it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you…”NOSINK…Molly”
Molly,
I certainly understand about wanting an explanation. I wish I had a dollar for every time I wanted to call my ex and say, “what the hell happened?” as if I could reason with him like a normal person. Fortunately, I found this site and didn’t do it. I can honestly say that the desire to “understand” goes away over time. You can never understand the sociopathic thinking, and that’s actually a good thing!
StarG
Dear Molly,
You hang in there!! Asking a P what happened is like asking Haninibal Lechter for a bedtime story. You will get only more lies and twisted logic, blame heaped on you, and absolutely NO satisfaction.
Hang out here on the blog and leave him to his own devices. It is interesting that both Dr. Martha Sout and Dr. Hare conclude that for socio’s life is usually a downward spiral. When they have used people up and played out their fantasies they eventually end up alone and none to well off.
We on the other hand are free of their nonsense, are able to enjoy loving freindships and relationships, are honest in our daily lives and YES Oxy, one day we do roll over in bed and say
I AM HAPPY! This is our natural state, absent the crazy making of a P. 🙂
Cheers
I can’t wait for the day I turn over and say “I am happy” because I am FARRR from it right now. I have been having nightmares everynight, waking up constantly, very early in the am, and then he is the FIRST thing when I regain consciousness, giving me a terrible start every morning with terrible knots in my stomach. I just feel stuck. I want answers too. I hate that it was ALL A JUST A SICK LIE, when I was in some dumb fantasy world, honestly thinking (in the beginning) “THIS IS IT-EVERYTHING I”VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.” HOW do they DO IT??!?!?HOW do they KNOW? They have mastered their manipulation. UGH! I feel like I have been stripped, hollowed out and there is nothing but a carcas of me left.