Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
No, it’s good. That’s been my main reason for not calling him because he IS probably doing something I don’t want to know about. I either will contact him and he’ll answer and he’ll say something to upset me or I’ll call and get no answer and think about what he’s doing. You are right I keep thinking this is a bad dream and he’s going to come to his senses and see what a good person I am. I used to tell him constantly (how pathetic of me) trying to keep him from doing what he was doing by saying I would do anything for him. I honestly thought I would have done ANYTHING for him.
Gemini
I know how you feel I feel it too ! But there is no Hope for IT ! IT wants you to get back in IT’s Game ! NC
Love Jere
Sweetie, me too. I told him all the things that I was willing to do for him — smart things. Caring things. He knew that I would have taken care of him when he was old, partially blind, without teeth. But see, they don’t appreciate real love. They can’t. I know that it is soooo hard to grasp, but they do not feel, and if they do, it’s very base and/or shallow. What you thought you loved is just a human shell with no one inside but a little Id screaming “I want this, I want that!”
It is sort of like a bad dream. I had a LOT of nightmares after a while, and sometimes I still do. So bad that I can’t even remember them. What really helped me was to go into counseling. I did the anti-depressant route for a while, and that worked very well for me. It allowed me to focus, and it dimmed those feelings of grief down to nil. I’m not sure if this is something you’ve considered, but it might be worth it …
Good for you, Gemini, for not calling. Even if he said everything you wanted to hear, it would be a lie anyway. He fed you a fantasy. Reality isn’t quite as nice sometimes but at least it’s real. Everything they say is a lie. So how can you ever trust them?
Everyone: I took a big risk tonight. I started a blog called “Sociopaths among us” on my reptile site (where I met the S). I did not name him by name, but just testing the waters there to see if it’s a safe place to expose him. Here is what I posted:
“According to “The Sociopath Next Door”, 1 in every 25 people are sociopaths (also known as psychopaths). These are people who possess no moral conscience. They are pathological liars, manipulators, frauds, and cheats. They sometimes end up in prison, but most often they go undetected until they defraud a person or organization. These people are not able to be rehabilitated. A percentage of them are violent rapists or murderers, but not most of them. The majority of them seem from outward appearances to be very normal. They are often quite charming and can be very nice. But they are extremely dangerous. They are found in all walks of life. They can even be on this site. They can be your boss, in your church, in the military, or in any walk of life. They use people to get what they want, they play games with others, and enjoy watching them suffer. Defrauding people is their main business in life. They are often bigamists, embezzlers, thieves, or just petty con artists who use other people for what they want without the slightest remorse. They usually pass for normal citizens except for the wake of destruction they leave around them.
My question to you is: If you knew one of these people was on one of your internet forums or in a church group or social circle, etc., would you want to know? If there were evidence of this person’s wrongdoings, do you feel they should be banned from an organization? Or should the community be warned?
I would really like to hear your thoughts on this. I’m also wondering if any of you have ever been involved with such a person. I assure you that if you have, you will never forget it.”
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Let the educating begin!!!
Hugs,
StarG
I know that’s probably why I haven’t heard from him. He’s just WAITING for me to breakdown. The last time we spoke I had no idea what he was or what he was about so when we spoke or rather he rambled about our “friendship” and “feelings” and “missing” me and then asked me if he could come over I told him no and that ” I needed more time.” He was in his words – not happy with that answer but said he appreciated my honesty. I didn’t realize or no anything about the possibility of his being a socio (though thinking back on it I remember him referring to himself as a sociopath – I thought he was joking. That and his constant and daily need of watching “No Country For Old Men” should have tipped me. But it wasn’t until I randomly picked up a book about them did the full realization hit me.
My very good friend (who has probably heard way more than he would like about this) thinks that he’s going to try and contact me again – he thinks that he (the S) is probably plotting his way to his next move thinking I’ll “cool off”.
Yeah to your new blog!!!! Yep, before I knew what he was I believed him. It was weird because I did but I didn’t. Maybe it was a subtle build up to what I was about to find out about him. Like the Powers That Be – now I know I’ve been watching too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel : )
were planting the “he’s a liar” seeds in me. I knew he was as my good friend terms it “using faulty logic” when he told me in July we should get married. Scary thing is he probably meant it in his warped head. “Hey Let’s get married!!! I can continue to live with you, use the car and phone AND try and get my name on the deed – all the while I’ll just have my girlfriend out of state and my “fun bunny” on the side.” Whew!!!! Sorry, needed to get that out. That actually felt very good.
Unwilling, I tried to post this but it didn’t take but I have been on some sort of medication for depression/anxiety off and on for the last 11 years or so. Interesting that I never realized that’s been about the same time I moved to this city. Hmmm! Anyway, I have also been in and out of therapy and although my current therapist is good I just feel like I’m not finding my fit. It’s the same thing with trying to find a spiritual center. I’ve never been one who grew up in a religious household. The type that went to Church on holidays, but I do consider myself spiritual and believe in a higher power.
These are the times I don’t know what to do? I feel so helpless. As I mentioned in another post I feel like I should just pack up and move somedays but then I STILL may not find the therapist or spiritual home I’m looking for in the new place.
I would go home – which is the most nurturing place EVER. Very calm, very “hippie”, very laid back and chill and a great source of what I could and do when I am there use. But it’s extremely small and not necessarily for the 20-40s group unless you’re married, young or elderly. I do agree I need to get back on anti-depressants bc I can feel these depressed and anxious feelings creeping into my work day. Seeing as it’s a new job that’s probably not a good idea.
BTW – thank you for helping me to get over this hump.
Thank you Gemini
My name is Jere and I approve of this message! 🙂
Dear Gemini_Fairy: You’ve got us to help you any time you want to blog … whoever is on line, will gladly write you back.
Hang in their sweety, it will get better … you just have to go to the depths (hit rock bottom) to make your way back up to a happy, healthy life.
The worst is over … now is the time for you to heal.
I know it’s not easy, we can all attest to that fact … just hang in there with us … and your therapist and you’ll get through all this … I promise.
Peace to your heart and soul … And sweetie, you have everything you ever needed, you’ve had it all along, it’s right inside of you … as soon as you can focus again on you, pamper yourself, you will remember how precious you are, you will see a difference in your life.
Now is the time to work on yourself … heal yourself, lick your wounds, be good to yourself … and all of us will be there for you every step of the way … whether you are up one day and down in the dumps the next day, we will be there. The waffling last for a while so know this, but that too will subside … there’s no quick fix to this … it takes time to heal your wounds.
Peace and big hugs to you.
Lots of hugs an xxx to everyone for getting me through this night.
Peace and Blessings!