Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
as time goes by I miss him less and think of him in a different way. I knew he was different long before I let him move in with me. He was quite, withdrawn, sad, and obviouly not that into me. But I maintained a friendship with him. He would call and ask “what cha doin?” and I would say oh nothing much and there would be this long pause on the phone – then I would ask if he wanted to come over and he said OK. He warmed up to my dog’s real quick. Said I had a great place. And yes we would sometime’s do the deed. But I knew he had a BF. He said the BF was mean and controling and took all his money. The BF was a blackjack dealer at a casino and sometime wouldnt come home for days. He seemed to love my company. His BF would call on the cell and mike would lie and say he was home in bed. Yes I am guilty of falling for a guy that was ‘attached’..They lived in the same cage is all I can say. Mike would comment on how nice and peaceful it was at my place. One thing led to another and the BF found out about our “thing” and promised him a “ring” and more attention. So I told M he should go back and try to work it out, they had been together 6 years. Well the next day M shows up at my house with the ring on his finger wanting to do the deed with me….I said no I am not going to do that, you should be faithful to your BF. Well he left in a huff. The next week he knocks on my door in the middle of the night – no car – he walked 5 miles to my place – was all scruffed up and upset – they had had a dosey of a fight – M was crying – I said you dont have to go back to that – you can stay here until things cool off – well I offered him the couch and he asked if he could sleep with me – I held him tight that nite – and almost every nite for the next 3 years. That is what I miss the most about him – is sleeping with him – I have always been a light sleeper and never slept well with anyone – except him – it seemed so natural – we slept so well together – he and I and my 3 little weeny dogs – but I felt responsible I guess – I drove him to work every morning at 4 am and picked him up at 2 in the afternoon – after months of this I asked him to get a car and he said no – I asked why? – he didnt want to discuss it. Meanwhile I am worn out – nosleep – trying to maintain my business and chaueffer him around… finally I saiud if i co-sign on a car will u make the payments? he siad yes – but forgot too mention he didnt have a driver license. That was the first big huge red flag – i felt like he didnt respect me much to let me sign for a car without a DL. But I helped him take care of that too. But the car was his freedom to do whatever and whoever. So at first he was my captive bf – so I was a fool – I have to accept respnsibility in this charade – he used me -i guess I used him for sex – not that I was lacking a sex life before him – but I loved him and wanted too help him. I will always love him – but I can move on – I am moving on. Seriously I dont want another live in partner – not going there again………..
yes there were red flags every where – guess i am as bad as he was….
Hey Henry: Are you still on-line?
Henry: Believe me of what I am about to write to you… it’s OK to love others … it’s OK to have loved and still love your EX. All that energy of love that you have inside yourself is going out into the universe … and that’s a positive to be doing so… that’s why you need to send him that love … it will reach him … and help God when healing him.
Peace to your heart and soul … I know that your true love will come into your space … just keeping praying to God to send that person to you and it will happen.
I promise.
Peace to your heart and soul dear SMH.
P.S. I’ll tell you this true story … a year before my bosses went after me, I worked with a co-worker who was tapped into God. I was at my best friend’s office and this woman was in her office working together. I stuck my head in and said “don’t want to bother you two, just walking by to say “hi”. The woman turned to me and said “Wini, there is a man glowing of gold and blue surrounding you”. I said “what”? She said, there is this kindly man around 70 years old that surrounds you and his aura is blue and gold. I said, without thinking “that’s my Dad”. She said “I know, I just wanted to tell you that he’s around you”. I said, OMG, you see this? She said yes … and I want to tell you something else. I said “what”? She said, your Ex husband thanks you. I said “why”. She said “because you sent your love out to the universe when he died and he made it into heaven because someone on Earth loved and cared for him … not only did you truly love him … but, you said so many nice things about him … that he not only made it into heaven, he went up a few wrungs of the ladder while there, because you loved him. I said “OMG Jackie, what are you tapped in to”. She smiled and said “God”. I said “I knew it, I knew you were, I felt it in my soul all these years working with you”.
Peace Henry, Peace.
Wini, So true, so many people try to deny the energy that they gave, which is understandable after being conned, it makes you feel as though you want to cancel that love out – take it back. But we cant take the love back. The way i see it, is yes I did love him and I can still access that tender feeling – but i dont currently love him anymore. But knowing who he truly is, he would erode my life and I wont allow that.
Revenge is a dish best served COLD !
Is from Wrath of CON Star Trec
OH Thanks Wini ! I love to cry !
I wanted to tell Henry this and all of you
I can type ( it ) with apparent indiference right?
But I still LOVE ( it )
Here is what I think was the turnning point !
SIMPLE!!!!?????
Forgiveness does’t negate RESPONSIBILITY or ACCOUNTABILITY !
I’ll always Love Him Ooops !(it) And I forgive (it) I said this before too but I think this It thing PSY/SOC is more Damageing for the Female Psycy
But then Again I was lucky to have had a beginer evil spirit
I think (it) was just learning it’s Craft or else it was/lucky enough to posess a real DUMB human :)~
Good morning Beverly and Indigoblue: I was thinking that no one has written the following, so I figure, it might as well be me … just a reminder to everyone what is really going on.
Here it goes:
Everyone, if they read the scriptures will be reminded that our lives are in a battle for the salvation of our souls.
It makes no difference if you do want this reality or not, every human (from childhood – throughout our lives) have been drawn into this battle for deciding between good and evil (free will). We choose being the will of God or the will of the evil ones, demons, fallen angels, whatever you want to call “them” today.
The battle between good and evil began before the creation of this world and the battle will continue until the day of final judgment.
The battle is finished in heaven (may I remind you that evil is defeated in heaven). The battle continues down on earth by being activated in our minds and hearts.
Choose wisely on what side you want to be on. Pray for those that haven’t a clue to this fact.
Peace.
Ok, guys, I have something that is bugging me and hope you all can help. Last night on Nancy Grace she featured this case from North Carolina where a 28 year old woman, back in early Sept. disappeared from her home and still has not been found. Her car, with purse, keys, etc. was located a short distance away, and her house burned the same day she disappeared (but body was not in the house and the burning of the house has been ruled arson). The husband is a “person of interest”. I’d seen this case mentioned a few days earlier also, but last night they talked to a few people who knew her and provided more information.
She and her spouse had been having problems, she had left him a short time earlier and stayed with her parents for a few weeks, but she was back in the marital home at time of disappearance. She was planning to divorce and she and her husband were sleeping in separate rooms. Husband has a temper (per what she had told family and friends) and has done things like punch holes in walls, threw her computer out the window one time, etc. Now they are looking at their financial records as there was some sort of financial problems.
Here is where I want your guys help. I read this blog and sometimes one other psychopath victims forum. On one of the two I am almost positive I read a story from a woman who mentioned her husband throwing her computer out of a window and I am pretty sure it was this blog. I realize more than one husband out there has probably thrown a computer out of a window, but yet I still think it wouldnt be that common an occurrence. I’m assuming this woman’s computer (if she got a new one or the old one wasn’t destroyed when tossed out the windwo) would have been destroyed in the fire so authorities would not have it to check out.
Do any of you recall a post on LF from a woman mentioning her computer being thrown out the window? Or if you are the person who made the post, could you please post it was you and you are alive and well? And if nobody posts, could you guys keep an eye out for a post that mentions that. The post would have had to been made prior to about 9/3 or 4th.
hello wini and beverly – I just get so frustrated with myself when I post when I am feeling blue. Beverly you are right on I want to cancel out that love I had for him but I cant and yes knowing who he is, he would erode my life. And like you I think in time I wont feel “in love” and it will subside into something less painfull. And Wini you are right also – I dont want to hate or be bitter – so I will allow myself to feel that love. I think I am forgiving him and myself. It is bringing a sense of peace to me. It’s just a catch 22 – loving someone that hurt you so bad and did so many bad things to you…. ya’ll have a good day