Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
Dear Letgoletgod: The best thing for YOU is NC. If you want to send him love, send it out to the world, pray to God. Tell God what you want to say to your EX and let God handle it. God knows what’s in your heart and why your EX is the way he is.
This is your wake up call… this is your challenge that God has brought you to the brink of destruction for you to figure out what side you are on.
Do you believe and trust in God? That’s the question everyone is being challenged with. No matter what happens in your life, whether you are up or whether you are down … do you put your belief in God? Even if you don’t/can’t understand what God is doing for you right now… this is your challenge, not what and who your EX is … your EX is only the tool to get you to focus your faith in God.
On the human playing field … NO Contact. The reason everyone tells you this … is that we are novices in their games of manipulation. We don’t manipulate, so we don’t know all the rules … and anything we figure out along the way, is still no match for their mindsets … so we stay away, NO CONTACT for our own self preservation… so we can heal.
As to the heavenly playing field … we are down here to experience life. Period. We don’t have the blue print, God does. Everything we do is because God wants us to experience life … (good and bad) and he wants us to believe and trust in him. Period.
Are you up to God’s challenge?
If so, NO CONTACT … so you can heal … then open your eyes and heart to where God wants to lead you. As far as your EX is concerned, God is handling his situation too.
Peace.
Wini-
I do believe in God, no matter what, in good and bad times. It is the only strength I have to live by. I agree, I will leave it up to God to ‘inform’ him what he needs to know. It is not up to me anymore, it isn’t my responsibility, and i am thankful God has answered my prayers to take this off my shoulders.
BTW-I love “WINI” When one of my cats had kittens and then abandoned them, there was one black kitty that I fed kitten milk to with a syringe. She would always get it all over her mouth, and I named her WINNIE-like wini the pooh that always had honey all over himself. It was THE CUTEST thing ever! 🙂 Just the name itself always gives me warm thoughts of that cute sweet little kitten 🙂 And now, yet another reason. Your love and faith and advice always shine through 🙂
Yes, Yes, Yes, there are no kings or queens … only pawns in a game that we are only a small part of … a part just the same.
Peace.
Letgoletgod: I think it comes down to this … while we are on Earth … we do the best that we can do, at all times, no matter what those times consist of. The rest, we give up to God to handle. That shows our respect that God is our creator over the heavens and the earth.
And, when our day is done and we make it back to God, maybe, just maybe he’ll let us know the rest of the story … until then, we have faith in our belief in God.
As for our EX’s. I don’t want to be an expert on the whys and what fors of them … it’s too dark for me and I’d rather focus on the light any day.
Peace.
Letgoletgod,
It’s only been 2 almost 3 months since I’ve had verbal contact with him. I put him out of my house in May. In my mind I’ve put an end to it – but seeing as the last time we spoke I didn’t know he was sociopath SO it’s sort of been hanging there. Last time we spoke he asked if he could come over and I told him that I needed more time. Again, that was almost 3 months ago. Most of my friends think that the storm is not over. That he will again try to contact me – give me time to “cool off” but I don’t think so.
Yes, it was me that went home for a few months and yes I thought about him. My x works not more than 5 minutes from here and two exits up the beltway. I have to re-do my whole routine just to get to certain areas. Yes! That’s exactly how it feels. Suffocation with his presence. And he’s EVERYWHERE!!!!! This would be the first time I would move in 11 years. It’s been in the back of my mind to leave for awhile. This is just further proving to me that there is nothing here for me anymore. I’m also, not getting an younger.
: ) Yes, I’m considering Fall of 09′ late Early 2010. If I move I’m considering moving to Chicago it’s a little closer to my family.
Had a moment of anxiety here a few minutes ago. The owner of the restaurant where we worked called me tonight. My immediate thought was he had something to either tell me or say about the x. I didn’t want to call him back but the owners have been good to me over the years by allowing me to come back whenever I have felt like it so I didn’t NOT want to call.
Whew! He just wanted to know if I could cover a shift but he had found someone. Thank God! I told them. I’ll work in any of your other locations but I cannot go back to the place where this hell started in the first place. Not to mention he used to just show up when he felt like it and that’s too much.
letgoletgod, Interesting you mention journals – don’t know if it’s posted here or somewhere else, I can’t keep up with where I post these days. I had asked for advice on what to do with the journals I have from our time together (Hey Wini, I decided to mail them to my best friend for safekeeping until I feel like I can look through them again) but this is the only place I’ve been able to write – really write how I’m feeling.
Oddly, during times of real sadness and crisis for me I find myself NOT being able to write in my journal. When my grandfather passed away I could not write how I felt for months. It’s the same wth me lately concerning the X. I can’t get it onto the paper. It’s weird. Anyway, I’m on a tangent. I better stop now.
Wini-Beautfully said! We do the best with what we can, and the rest we leave to God, and this shows the respect we have for HIM.
Gemini Fairy-
It really seems you and I are in a similar reality. The ‘storm is not over’- my sister keeps saying that too since I keep saying the same as you -I think it IS over. But everytime I ever said that to her, her reply was that “yeah, you say that everytime.” And she was always right. I’m not a gambler, but I wouldn’t bet either way. My first x-s still tried, very randomly, this summer again to talk to me (myspace message). I hadn’t spoken to him in almost a year, then I get this message about how ‘he doesn’t want bad stuff between us, how am I doing, and should he send money to my mom’s house in FL’ for times he screwed me over. (he has no idea where I live and I changed my number when he threatened to come out here to SF, find me, and break my OTHER arm… Umm…psycho?) I ignored his message, and he went crazy again, saying I’m such a B***H, and I haven’t heard from him since. THANK GOD! I actually know what it feels like when everyone here says things like IT WILL GET BETTER. I have no feelings for him anymore, and I don’t always think about him or care really. Out of sight, out of mind. Maybe it’s because my recent x-s was not as crazy as the xx-s, so it was easier to let that go.
Anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if the xx-s didn’t try to contact me again someday too. But it will always be the same. They are who they are, and we finally know it.
With the recent x-s, I keep thinking about him, looking at my phone, etc. wondering IF he will call again. I honestly have no idea if that will ever happen. All I can do is say that I will NOT contact HIM, and leave the rest up to God. ( Wini 🙂
As for journaling, I tried a few weeks ago, but I am the same as you, its easier to just let it flow here. I had an old ‘boyfriend’ before the xx-s (who actually called me a sociopath once and that was the first time I ever heard the word, and I think HE might even be one) and we were working at a restaurant together, we were secretly sleeping together and come to find out, so was one of my good girlfriends, and we all worked together! ANYWAY-I wrote poem after poem after poem, and I have barely written any since. But it seriously got everything I needed out, and I got over it. The first relationship I ever had, I kept journal after journal, and it took forever for me to get over it, but I finally did, and now i don’t journal. It’s (funny) that this blog is what is going to get me through this specific breakup. I bury myself in it everynight, and throughout the day when I am working (heehee). It has answers, reasons, healing, safety, everything good I need to heal.
As for moving, you said there is ‘nothing there for you ANYMORE’ Does that mean that you are assuming he is the ONLY guy around? The capital IS a big city. If you are tired of it, go for it! Chicago might be my favorite city, even over SF. But if its because of him, give it a year or two, and your mind might be different. But still, Chicago is a great idea, nonetheless-i LOVE that city. I’ve been there a dozen times, and almost moved there over SF. If ‘starting over’ is what you need, there is no harm in it. But, don’t do it to run away because you can’t get him out of your mind. He will only lurk there whereever you go if you don’t de-toxify yourself of him now.
It seems I go off on tangents too 🙂
Iwant to make sure that I am clear on the above comment about the old bf. I dated this guy and we both worked together at a restaurant. He was a ‘stud’ bartender. We kept our relationship secret, I’m not really sure why actually. So, I found out that one of my girlfriends that also worked with us waws doing the same thing even before me. He somehow got us to keep it secret, even to each other. When I found out, I was furious, and I told the whole world what a scum he was. And that is why he called me a sociopath. But, now that I know what one is, I KNOW that wasn’t me.
So, since I stoppd journaling after one breakup, and stopped writing poems after another, am I going to eventually stop reading and writing on this blog? That makes me sad, but I guess I will say thank you now for everything that you all do in my life. I would be soooooo lost without you all. You are all a blessing 🙂