Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
You do indeed seem to be right there with me. : ) Where in Florida did you live. Interesting cause I was considering moving to that area at one time but chanaged my mind. And I LOVE San Francisco. Went for a visit when I was newly graduated from College – ah the calm days – and fell head over heels but my mom didn’t want me to go that far so I ended up here.
I’ve come to the conclusion – meeting people and hooking up at restaurants seems to happen a lot and I don’t want to ever go down that road again. Not only bc of this stuff that happen but people are in your business WAY to much. My xx-s last tried to contact me in late July – I barely think about him but with the recent. Same thing, constant phone watching. I’ve just recently started to unplug it at night. That way unless someone leaves me a message I don’t even know who called.
As far as nothing here for me anymore. It’s not that he’s the only guy around but the scene is not for me anymore. It’s hard to explain. Or maybe it isn’t. I’m just tired of being here. I’ve never felt quite at home here it can just be so cold and unfriendly. I have a few friends – they’re great but I’m from this really artsy, hippie little town in Ohio and people here just seem so fake.
I figured Chicago will offer me my big city while still being the mid-west. If I could afford SF I’d be there in a minute. I have a very good friend who lives not in SF but San Jose. He’s always trying to get me to come out there. At the very least I should come for another visit.
Mine wanted to keep our relationship a secret too. Probably for the same reason. Dumbass! It’s not as if they all didn’t know anyway. NOSEY!!!! Nosey ass girls. I remember once we were discussing his using the car one night – I think he had left for the other restaurant by then. And in front of one of the other servers he flipped out bc I told him I was going to take the 1st out section. (Thinking about it now it’s probably bc I screwed up his plans to take MY car and be w/ someone else). Anyway, she looked sort of startled and he quickly backtracked and said something along the lines like “you do what you want.” Signs and red flags EVERYWHERE!!!!!
letgo,
Do u ever find it easier to NOT call him than it is to NOT look at the phone?
I think for me it’s easier not to call bc I know he’ll do one of three things 1) answer it and tell me what he’s doing. 2) will send me to vmail causing me to wonder what he’s doing or 3) just not answer it at all causing me to wonder what he’s doing. So that is why I don’t call. Would you be insulted if I asked you your age?
GeminiFairy-
Not at all 🙂 I am 25. Here’s a quick background 🙂
I lived in Buffalo,NY til I was 18, moved to the Gulf coast in Fort Myers and went to college for a B.A.marine science degree.(Which I am not currently using as I work in SF city, but who knows..)I put myself through college working in restaurants, and I know WAY TOO MUCH how that scene works, no matter if there are 18 or 50 year olds working with you. I struggled my senior year of college because I was dating the xx-s who was so abusive, but I had no family around, and I couldn’t just leave school when I was SO CLOSE to being done. FINALLY, I graduated in April 2007, got rid of everything I owned, literally since I had my own apartment, packed up my tiny car with what I could, and drove across the country to escape, and to live with my sister here in SF (&husband &my 3-yr old nephew). It was the best thing I ever did for myself. The first few hours I wanted to turn around, but once i crossed the Florida border, a million billion pounds fell off my shoulders. That was the best taste of freedom I ever had…then I met my recent x-s the week I moved here. I guess I was WAY too happy and friendly, and obviously vulnerable, and I opened up so fast to him, that I was just simply in desperate need of a breath of fresh air, I just had it written on my face for him to see I guess. But, I learned my lesson. I am going out, meeting new people, but I am so much more cautious and aware now. I refuse to date or get close to a guy for a while. I am NOW in depserate need to be alone!
God doesn’t give us something we can not handle. I feel like he has written this path for me, and I will be and am becoming so much better of a person that I can possibly be.
It is MUCH easier not to call, but I do look at the phone all day… For MANY reasons, I simply WILL NOT call him though. I’ve gained (just a tad bit 🙂 ) more self-respect and pride. And time and Lovefraud have really been that changing factor in me. And really, what is the point to call when I am almost a month of NC?!? I’ve learned my lesson. I KNOW WHAT he is and what I will get from him. NOTHING I WANT! NO THANK YOU! I am not going backwards anymore…
Tonight, I am relaxing at home, A HUGE DEAL for me on a Friday, if you knew me, I am always go go go. But I knew for a while he was going to vegas today, and for some reason, I feel like he is so far away, and a lot of my anxiety is gone. Out of sight…and maybe a good reason why I still contemplate on moving. But I am giving that time too before I just run away again. I am pretty lonely at times (my sister moved back to Biffalo in January as her husband lost his job-he was in the mortgage business), and for a while I clung to him as my comfort. Now, I feel like the whole weekend, I have just a little less stress. with him not around. Sure, he’ll be on my mind, but it will be me thinking about him doing drugs and prostitues. BARF! What a fool I was to ever think there was a good guy in there!
So, that was a lot of info, but I guess I just feel like writing 🙂
Anyway, like I said, I do understand about the city feeling fake, and there’s no place like home, and the city gets very tiring, so moving is sometimes good for us. Hey, if you have nothing tying you down, go for it! Why the heck not! I think Chicago is better than SF, and I’m sure way better than the capital…lots of single cute guys there too :p
As for my Marine Science degree, i am sad sometimes that I had to practically flee Florida. I had it made there! And nothing is better than living 10 min. from the beach when it is your passion. But, I suppose I will go wherever God takes me. Maybe next year I’ll think about going back to school or moving. But you got that correct-I certainly can’t afford living here working at a research center or aquarium LOL! So, I am just going to enjoy my time here, and see what happens 🙂
letgo,
Thanks so much for sharing with me. I am sorry I wasn’t up when you posted. I conked out pretty early. I was actually considering Ft. Meyers myself but I found out MY x-s used to live there (is it a sociopath haven) yikes! and that would seem to coincidental so that made me change my mind.
Now it seems like Chi-Town is calling my name. I just need to get out of here. Like I said, in about a year or two I’m going to get out of here and hopefully not waste the rest of my 30s.
Thanks again for sharing and thanks for listening.
P.S. Letgo, Just curious… your xx-s? His name didn’t start with an S did it?
I fell asllep like right after I wrote that. Wow, it’s been a long week! First of all, I wouldn’t really recommend Fort Myers-now THAT is a TOWN that is WAY too small. There is nothing there but a few chain restaurants and some old people with money (who take it with them when the heat comes, so the economy just dies when they leave), and I am NOT being stereotypical in the least! IF, you were to go to Florida, i would recommend Tampa bay. or maybe Fort Lauderdale. But still, you would only find a lazy a** setting, and there is really nothing to do but beach it.
Originally my xx-s (first name starts with J) is from New Jersey, but lived in Florida to run away from a warrant since he never showed up to court for a DUI. He even already claimed bankruptcy–all when I met him and he was just 25 at that time! WOW,did I miss the red flags and sirens! My sister, who lived across the country, I remember was telling me about the red flags within a month of me dating him. He was so controlling and wouldn’t let me hang out with my friends. Once again, SIRENS. that I ignored. He lived in Florida, and mooched off of his RICH dad’s condo (who lived in NJ). HE has since moved back to Philly I think. The very first con was when he wanted to buy a XBOX 360 saying he would pay me back, so I lent him my credit card, stupidly, and he never did. What I never told him, when I realized he wasn’t going to pay me, was that I called the CC company and said someone stole my credit card and they took the $400 charge off. For the next year during our fights, the X-box was our hostage. I”d take it back, then he would make an excuse to come over and take it back, and this went on for 6 months. Well, one time I broke into his car and stole it ( I would have sold it). He realized and called me all sweet saying, honey, I miss you, come see me. I KNEW he was tricking me, so I said only in a public place. I showed up in a BK parking lot, and he charged at me when I got out. (He was huge on steroids). LUCKILY, there were too guys in the parking lot, and they saw him chasing me around and me screaming my head off. They saved me that day. In short, somehow he got the XBOX back, and sold it for coke.
My life with him was insane, and somehow, I have forgotten many memories of him. Only when I try can I remember things (like they happened yesterday). He was a monster (cokehead, steroids, physically & emotionally abusive, and every single characteristic of a sociopath) and moving away from there was THE ONLY way. I got out with my life, and that is all that matters. now. iam one of the lucky ones. Like my dad said, first things first, just get you out of the state. I picked him up in Tennesse the first day and he drove acoss the country with me. Thank God for family! They helped me and pushed me all the way out of there! Like I said, as soon as I crossed the border of Florida, I never looked back. That was one of the happiest moments of my life. For awhile I still talked to him over the phone, and he tried his best to say he wanted me back (never actually believing I’d leave), or that he wanted to move out here and be with me. But I pretty much closed the door on the drive out of town, and I shut him out (and met my current x-s) th fist week.
And what’s funny about that is that I met him while i was on the phone fighting with the Fl xx-s, and IMMEDIATELY I had red flags about his charm when I talked to him. But, a few days later I went to his 30th bday party (I met him through my sister’s friends), we had a blast, and it began there.
I am done, sinlge, no strings attached, and safe. I’m only looking back on it now because it is all in the past. Thank God!
Is Ft. Meyers like a haven for these lunatics??? Please do not take this as offensive but it’s so refreshing for me to speak with a 25 year old who is mature. I work with and meet so many people in your age range that simply just don’t get it yet.
I wish I could be like you and just get past this. My family doesn’t understand at all what I’m going through. My mom likes to look at it that I fall too hard. And I do have a tendancy to do that BUT this is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I envy you a little for still being in your 20’s. Because in a way you still have so much time to get back out there eventually meet someone wonderful and get married and have kids.
I feel like I’m running out of time. I’ve wasted too much of my 30s on these two fools! I really mostly want to have kids but even if I were to meet someone – now – next year – as we are well aware, good relationships take time to cultivate. I DO NOT want to be one of those women having kids in their 40s. Period. I feel hopeless but these days. As much as I hurt, as much as go through periods where I miss him and go through all of this I am glad I’m single. Now I feel like I’m rambling and not making sense.
Hi Gemini!
I don’t remember what post it was, but just last Friday I was writing on here about how depressed I was. Ox even told me I might need medication and go see a therapist (I think that snapped me out of it OX. i am stubborn, and I think by you saying that, I said to myself ‘i REFUSE to be sad anymore, and I went out that night, forgot about him a while, and have been happier since). I was a mess though. Within the last week, I am not too sure what happened exactly. I have been having fun, everyday. I have been going out with people that are appreciative of me, nice people, I have been having good conversation-NOT ABOUT HIM, i have been pampering myself-going to bed early, focusing and working harder on work (and it is increasing my confidence in my own competene). Distance from him. I have been focusing on what I would get if I were to even talk to him again. N-O-T-H-I-N-G P-E-R-I-O-D. i have been going out dancing 🙂 . Mostly though, this blog is helping me more than anything could right now. Even spending money on a therapist. I read it several times a day. I am tired of being down and sad, and letting him take my energy, and focusing on what a s**thead he is, makes me realize that much more how I am better without him. Though of course, I do ‘miss him’ a lot too. i want him to call, but when that feeling passes, and it DOES, i am SOOO glad he hasn’t because life is SOOO much better without him. All the feelings of missing are just loneliness-I don’t want HIM back. More and more, I am seeing the light on how terrible he was to me, to himself, to others, and how I have been treating myself. I think with him as my last x-s, he is exactly that, my last x-s. I will not go through this ever again. And for that to happen, there are many things that I need to change in myself. I see alot of my wrong turns that led me to the array of terrible men I dated and stayed with. No offense taken with the age thing. I have been through A LOT in my life. Growing up, I always hung out with the older crowd, and sometimes I wonder if I missed out on things. Sleepovers, clicks of friends, pep rally’s, blahblahblah. i also grew up in a very snobby town, and i lived just outside of that town, so I was an outcast per se, so that humbled me as well. I saw what money did to others, and how fake people were at young age. I saw how people can be blind to what REALLY matters. I learned all of that so young. I am not sure if that is why i am where I am today. I had a ‘tough’ life (as they say). My home life was depressing growing up, and i think that is something that humbled me at a young age. i knew pain and i knew love very young. i learned it early. So maybe this part of me dating these sociopaths, in a patten, is ironically, my immaturity in a lot of ways. I never learned self-confidence by hanging out with kids my age or playing sports. Instead, I learned trying to love someone and have a relationship at all costs (my parents divorced when I was 2), just to MAKE SURE I didn’t end up like my split family. But, through all the pain I grew up with, I did learn love. I have an amazing family, who are both my rock and pillow. We had it rough going trough the divorce, and it tore us apart, but we somehow all managed to get it together. And now, sadly, everyone of us are in different states. Relatives and sister in Buffalo, brother in texas, mom in Florida, dad in Tennessee, and me in California. But they are everything to me in the whole world.
Another thing that I have been doing is dreaming. These types of people take away everything good in us. They suck the life away. They steal our energy, our love for life and love. They are the mirror (thanks for everyone’s explanations, I think I get it now). They take away our dreams and tell us that things are impossible. NOTHING is impossible with God. So, I am dreaming again, and that means I am healing. i am not talking about dreams at night (don’t get me wrong, I do dream about them still, but that is our body’s way of working things out), I am talking about what I want in the future, and that means i am letting go, and starting to live my life again and not including them in my future. I’m lookin forward towards the bright future, instead of looking backwards toward the black past of them.
I think moving to Chicago is a great idea, the more we talk about it. It is such an absolutely awesome city. Before my sister and brother moved, they both lived there, and i visted at least 10 times. I love it there. Hey, maybe in a year or two we can meet up there! 🙂
You WILL get past this. I’m not past it yet either, but by simply being more positive is changing my whole mindset. I am follwing my instincts more and when something doesn’t feel right, I listen. I highly recommend it. If you feel like sleeping, do it. if you feel like dancing, go get dressed up and do it. But the key i think is pampering to YOUR needs. You must be able to know what makes you happy and CONTENT, and then actually do just that to get rid of whatever is stressing you out. I went to bed early, am enjoying my comfy bed that i love, no worries or pressure of when or where I whould go, but i would LIKE to go running and then maybe shopping for a friend’s birthday. But, I am taking any pressure off and letting the day run its course. i am enjoying being with just me. I am loving me, and only thinking positive. You are making sense, and I am probably the one rambling 🙂 Lol
Go have a good day. I’m not sure what your plans are, but get whatever you HAVE to do done, and then, absolutely find time to do what YOU want to do.
Take time for yourself to enjoy your time. Because it IS short. Just think positive and you’ll and we ALL will get there!