Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
Iwonder,
I live in the D.C. area. Used to work in Bethesda. I love Baltimore. Chicago is calling me though.
: )
Hey Letgo,
R U on? I just now saw your post about now I have you thinking about Chicago. : ) Oh, my cat’s name – yes – it’s Miles Coltrane. I’m thinking if I adopt another cat if it’s a female naming it Ella and if it’s a male naming it Theo (short for Thelonious.
I’ve been warned repeatedly about the winters but I said the same thing. I’ll have some sort of transportation and in a building of some sort the other times. Ohhh yes, you should move to Chicago!!!!
Rev . DR. jere is in house :)~
This is supose to be funny I’m Neither a Rev. nor a DR . I am a victim like you all
What’s up Indigo? How R U Tonight? I’m doing so-so. I’ve been sitting here ALL day watching my Angel series on DVD and trying to keep my mind busy with thoughts other than the x-s.
Letgo, I DID read your posts from last week – I’m taking Wini’s advice and playing music and dancing. “Got To Give It Up”
Trivia Question – Anyone know who sings that one?
DIMOND
VEry well here went and visited my mother and relayed all the new knowledge and expressed and confirmend my Healing and New ly rediscovered self-worth I think I made it clear and how dramatic it is to me ! they my parents are so over it they dont want to hear anything and I can fully understand it after 6 years they think I should be able to just let it go they dont understand the implications and the mindcontrol of these PSY/Soc and How they Make it all our fault and that it errodes our self worth to the point of almost selfdestruction ! love ya Dimond
It was Will Smith who said “Parents Just Don’t Understand.” I used to have an extremely close relationship but when she found out the xx-s had hit me (she found a journal entry I had written) and I hadn’t told her we had a huge falling out and although we are still close it’s different. Don’t know how to describe it.
Dimond I think my mother is getting it now she visited this site
Hi Everyone,
Been some time since I have been on. I have been hiding from this sight I love so much and, was beginning to feel like a safe haven and home for me to post freely. In the sense of my divorce it is starting to move along, thankfully. I am almost afraid to tell you what is happening now because I fear you will look at me and think no way is it possible this could happen to one person and she must have done something to provoke it.
First, I have 3 females trolling the sight now. They are my 64 year old aunt and her two daughters (my cousins). Their interest in my life, sorrows of my divorce and personal details including my sharing with them the peace and support I found here were, it appears, not out of any real concern for my son and I but for gathering information for purposes of bringing more chaos to my son and my lives.
The youngest of my aunts daughters and she showed up at my home in late August for what they called a girls weekend. They have never done this before but I was happy for the company…except the 33 year old cousin had brought her 10 year daughter whom I had quietly put on a n/c list not to be around my son since early July. The 10 year old girl had molested, pinched, punched, shoved down stairs and shoved her 2 1/2 year old male toddler cousin against the spigot in the bathroom hurting the little boy while in the care of their grandmother (my aunt) and taking a bath with the toddler. My aunt and her 33 year old daughter vehemently denied any of this happened and started an all out campaign of war against her oldest daughter who is the grandmother of the toddler and against the mother of the toddler boy that was assaulted.
The night before the toddler told his mother in detail of the abuse the girl was committing;she was visiting at my house and was supposed to spend the night. Two things happened. My son came downstairs saying,”Eww, S…. is gross mom, she just tried to kiss me and stick her tongue in my mouth!” I tried to explain to her the inappropriateness of her behavior and she seemed genuinely remorseful. I did say the bedroom door was to be open at all times, however, when they were playing videos. After a few minutes of video playing with my son she came downstairs smiling and skipped into the livingroom and snuggled on the couch next my sons father. She was laughing, smiling and seemed happy which is in stark contrast to the brooding dark look she usually has on her face (much like the look and eyes of her mother). I was glad to see this child in a merry mood for the rare moment. About a half hour passed as I was cleaning my kitchen and my son hadn’t come downstairs-I assumed he was still playing a video. I checked on him and he was in his bed and he said he was sick to his stomach. Another half hour and I went to check on him. He was crying and clinging to me, deep sobs that made it difficult for me to understand what he was trying to say. I did get that he said, “Please don’t die mommy.” I said I wasn’t going to die and asked him why he was worried about such a thing. He said he didn’t know what to believe because S…. had told him,”Your mother is dying and everyone is keeping it a secret from you but you will see soon enough when she is (laying) in her casket dead and you have no one to take care of you anymore and they will give you away to strangers who hate you!” I was absolutely enraged and at that point my son got up to run to the bathroom to vomit- and I could hear this girl downstairs giggling and laughing next to my sons father on the sofa like she was at the circus!! I walked downstairs after cleaning my sons face and told his dad,”Here is S….’ bag, take her back to her grandmothers (my Aunt) now!” He said”It’s 11:30 and I thought she was spending the night?” I said,”Change of plans-leave now, I will discuss it with you later.” S…. didn’t say goodbye to my son and I suspect she knew exactly why she was being taken back to her grandma’s, where her mom had dumped her off 6 days earlier. Never got the chance to tell my aunt why I sent her home and the aunt didn’t even call that night to ask WHY she was sent home so late. The following day was when the little boys mother called S….’s mom to come and pick up her f…ing kid! The little boys mom is only 23, naive and easily manipulated but she was furious. What followed was a 4 way call to my home between my aunt and her two daughters (33 yr old mom of 10 yr old S….), and her oldest daughter (grandma of the 2 1/2 year old). My aunt wanted me to lie and say S…. had spent the entire 6 days with me, but I wouldn’t. I said she spent an evening and I sent her home. Fact was the aunt had been caring for the toddler and 10 year old the entire time. I suggested they get the children to therapists immediately and get to the bottom of where the sexual abuse and violence was coming from. Moreover, my mom said I should not allow S…. back in my home or the toddler around my son because she believed my aunt (her sister) and her daughter would try to shift the blame on my son. There is a history of sexual abuse in their family that has been ignored (the aunts oldest daughter had been molested by one of her boyfriends 37 years ago and my aunt still talks to him on the phone!!)
So, they show up in August before school starts with the 10 year old in tow)-the toddlers mom let it be known she would take her children from the aunts house where they live if the 10 yr old girl and her mother ever showed up there. The 10 yr old was hateful and torturous to my son while here and thank G– left the next day to stay with other cousins. I just kept telling my son S…. would be gone tomorrow. While eating my food and sleeping in my beds the aunt and her daughter got up in the night and stole numbers and addressess out of my personal directories. Many unpublished numbers of family members who do not allow them access to them. My friends and associates and my sons fathers address.
The aunt had also shown up at my house a couple weeks after her granddaughter had molested her grandson with the toddler boy, whom she had NEVER taken anywhere with her. I was suspicious. Told my son to leave his door open if the little boy went upstairs while he was playing videos. The little boy ended up jumping on the bed and bailing over the side so she left.
A couple weeks ago my son and I went out of town for the weekend. When we came back we drove to his fathers house in time to see my aunt getting into her truck. She was not supposed to know where he lived and has no relationship with him at all which from past experience and her behavior meant nothing good was happening there. We both exited our vehicles and I asked what kind of chaos she was creating now? She told me she had “just f…ed me up and told my son she was going to f… him up and get him. I told her I was finished with her for life and that she was a sick, twisted, miserable hag. I turned to walk back to my car and she attacked me from behind by grabbing my hair and jerking my head down while reaching up and scratching my face. I grabbed her hair to make her let go. Again I turned to go to my car and my sons father came up behind me and grabbed me. I told him to let me go because I was not the aggressor. He was screaming for my aunt to leave and leave us alone but she refused to go. She then took the opportunity to punch me while my sons father had ahold of me. He immediately let loose of me and began yelling at her. My son saw it all. Was traumatized. The police arrested her for battery. She and her two daughters have called my attorney(who called them nuts and hung up on them), called my sisters, daughters, sons father- there is a host of people who are unlisted numbers they have harrassed. Everyone is saving messages and caller I.D. for when we go to court. I had to have my little boys cell number changed because they tricked my friend out of it and were harrassing him. Had to have my landline changed. They sent a message through a friend that they would stop coming after my son and I if we dropped the Order of Protection and the battery charges through the State’s Attorney’s Office. We couldn’t drop them if we wanted to…especially bad was calling my attorney. The daughters are second and third party harrassment of my son and I which is clearly stated in the O.P. as being illegal. They have gone so far off the deepend that they are displaying mob behavior which never fares well with the law.
I have a very large family and none of them would ever behave this way…which is why my aunt and her two daughters didn’t have their addresses and phone numbers before they stole them from my home. My aunts oldest daughter had been telling me the past year that she thought her mother was becoming more disturbed and violent and more so after her mom attacked the mother of the toddler that had been molested. She asked if I thought her mom needed antidepressents. My take is that they don’t have a cure or a pill for her mothers problem. I know the 33 year old is much like her mom and actually much worse in ways. The oldest daughter I am surprised by because I never saw stalking and harrassing behavior from her before and she appeared somewhat stable. But NOT NOW. I stood up for her and her grandson that was molested and she is acting every bit as wicked as her mother. Being raised by a mother like that would cause severe problems for anyone- if you could call that being raised and the oldest daughter had the reprieve of mostly being raised by my grandparents. The youngest (33 year old) it was clear by the time she was 3 that there was something wrong and missing. When my daughter was 4 my ex husband and stopped taking her around my aunts and her daughter who was 3 years older. The pinch marks and bite marks were all there the day she took my daughter up to her room and took scissors to her beautiful long blonde hair, cut snatches out and threw them behind her dresser. We never took her back and my daughter said she threatened to beat her up if she ever told anyone after she was comfortable in knowing she didn’t have to see her anymore.Several of my aunts former friends told me later they too stopped taking their children there because they would cry and they also told their parents of abuse at the hands of my aunts daughter. They also stopped answering their doors when my aunt would show up with her daughter. She called everyone liars and made mean comments about their children instead of accepting the fact that she had a disturbed child and quite frankly was herself instilling quite a bit of the horrid behavior her daughter displayed. The oldest daughter refused to even have anything to do with her younger sister until she was in her mid twenties. It’s just too sick and twisted and there is dysfunction in that family that isn’t fit to mention on any website. This is their mild behavior and that is WAY TOO MUCH DRAMA for me.
Dear inthebreach57: I only read 3/4 of your blogg, but what I’m seeing so far is two fold …
1. desperate need of attention (acting out in a negative ways) by the little girl who tormented your son with the story about your demise … This child is already playing everyone in her life to get what she wants … she already knows the power of lying and deception.
2. definite therapy is needed for your aunt (this child’s grandmother) and her adult daughters, along with the children involved in their families.
I believe all this craziness happens when individuals lead their lives from their egos, not having positive direction or positive guidance, just making things up as they go through life, or remember some sense of logic from their childhood, but never delving deeper how or why said logic was reached …everything in their lives is done from their ego … which becomes a crap shoot of having bent logic twisted throughout their lives.
The only guidance I found that works is reading the Bible 20 minutes per day or longer if time permits. Everything you need to know about living a happy, healthy, functional life is written in the Bible.
The reason I suggest this, is for the protection of your son and your family life being surrounded by relatives that are out of control with their own sadistic ego gratifications.
As a family, you, your husband and son can make it a nightly ritual, after dinner, to sit down and read scripture for 20 minutes… then have family discussions regarding what you’ve read and learned. This knowledge (wisdom) will provide a firm foundation of how to conduct your lives … protect your son as he grows, will give him guidance and a firm foundation in knowing who he is etc. He will be able to see (protect him from the insanity of his family members) for himself the positive way to conduct one’s life (what is written in the Bible) versus how his blood relatives are conducting their life through chaos and no structure (living through their egos) … which obviously is not a positive way to live, but you already know this.
Your adult relatives can benefit from reading wisdom from the Bible, but I wouldn’t hold my breath to get anyone living in their egos, to do something as constructive as this.
I feel for you sweetheart … your blood relatives are definitely out of control and will fight you every step of the way … by blaming you and victimizing you and your family so that they can continue living their SELFISH, SELF CENTERED, GREEDY destructive lifestyles.
Remember: It’s easy for people to live their lives selfishly and like jerks … it takes courage and back bone to live your life righteously, honestly and with conviction.
20-30 minutes a day reading the Bible to obtain wisdom for you, your husband and your precious son … in how to live a positive healthy life is what I suggest.
Good luck and I must tell you … NO CONTACT for those family members that are mentally and physically abusive. I know this is painful, but those people are out of control.