Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
Letgo,
I have come to the conclusion that we not only have similiar thoughts as you have mentioned, but musically. I LOVE Kelly Sweet. Barely anyone I know has a clue who that is and yes it’s a beautiful song. Oh and the sun didn’t come out but it looks like it’s going to be a pretty day today.
Little sad; got a lot of thoughts whirring around.
Don’t know what’s going on with me today. Yesterday was all rainy and gloomy and yet I was more upbeat. Happy. Today is a beautiful gorgeous day and I am unbelievably depressed. I can’t stop thinking about him. Once again it’s the day before his day(s) off and my thoughts keep jumping to what he’s doing? I have no one I can call and hang out with. I’m just really sad and hurt and upset right now. I miss him. I know that I shouldn’t but right now I’m just overwhelmed with wanting to call him and see him.
Gem
Get out go window shopping go to a zoo go do something
The groceri store Walk every isle go to a mall and sit and watch people or a park take up drawing or painting Google a social group in your area or pick a Church you can easily make friend s love jere
Geminifairy-
Did you listen to the songs? I heard that raincoat song yesterday and I thought of you. I’m actually jealous that you had rain! It’s been sunny here for MONTHS! Yeah, so awful I know, but I am from Buffalo and Florida, so the snow and rainstorms usually defined my day. Should I straighten or let my hair air dry (humidity since I have curly hair). What to wear? Where to go? Here, I guess, the weather goes unnoticed, and everyday is the same. Strange maybe, but I LOVE the rain, and snow storms, and just crazy weather. Weather really is a mood definer, so I understand. Its exciting to me. On my 21st birthday on Friday the 13th, 2004, I had the biggest plans to go all out, and then a category 4 Hurricane Charlery came through my town and tore it to shreds. I was living in Punta Gorda with my mom, a mile from the eye of the storm, and I should have been terrified, but I was soo excited! Needless to say, I sat in the hallway for hours as the storm passed, sipping on my first LEGAL glass of wine, hoping our roof didn’t fly off. What a mess!
Maybe it’s good for you though-the sunny day. Maybe God said, ok, you had your rainy day, but toss out your raincoat, and go enjoy the rainbow(sunny day) I am giving you. Like Jere said, go to the ZOO!! If I was there with you, I would totally go right now! Or go halloween shopping. I know! Go carve a pumpkin!!! And then get a recipe to cook the seeds or make a pumkin pie! What I always do when I am lonely is get a good random fictional novel, (I always have a blanket in my car for this purpose), and go to the park and read. It is relaxing, and you will get lost in it. I love reading because it really does take me into another reality, far away from the one I am in that is thinking and missing and sad and etc. over him. I like romantic mysteries. They are a good story and a quick read. When my sister moved back to Buffalo, my life was really scattered like a tornado. She left, I started a new job in San Francisco, my x-s ‘officially’ dumped me (ha. yeah give that 10 more months of hell!), and I moved to a new place with immature 21-yr-old roommates. So, one day, I was having an anxiety attack, totally depressed and lonely as can be (since I only never established myself here I jsut hung with him or her), and she said to do just that. Somehow, I picked myself up, went to the store and picked out a book, and ended up at the park we used to take my nephew to. Its my favorite thing to do, and it is teaching me that I really don’t mind being by myself! You just have to find out what you like, (I’m learning), and fill yourself up with that. Just FORCE him out of your mind! Say, “Get the heck out, you don’t belong here ANYMORE! I am going to be happy starting right now!” And do just that!
Want to know whats so funny? That FICTIONAL book I initially, randomly, grabbed off the shelf of a drugstore that had like only 10 books to choose from, was about 2 sisters who owned a scuba diving salvage shop in Fort Myers,FL. It was so wierd!. I recognized names of streets, restaurants, the author talked so much about my old town and the ‘snowbirds’ that I was lost in the book even more so.
I hope you do have a good day, and go do something that you have been wanting to do. Accomplishment is nice,no?
hi everyone.
you were all so wonderful in helping me to understand the concept of ”mirroring.”
now, today, i’m needing clarification on one more thing: the idea that what s/p’s do is ”not personal.”
i process things very intellectually (which, i know, makes understanding these lunatics that much more difficult), but i’m really making headway through a lot of reading and taking in what you all have to say here on LF.
here’s my take: what my ex-s/p/n did to me (in my mind) was VERY personal. he was a friend for more than half my 50 yrs. his mom was my dear friend (she died last year). his brothers and sisters were my friends. i knew his kids, his nephews, etc. and a lot of his friends would call or stop by from time to time to say hello. now. everyone is gone. (which is fine, but …)
he made a conscious decision to use me while he cultivated a relationship with his new gf. he maliciously deceived me, lied to me, made me think he still loved me, all the while having another relationship and getting her pregnant.
he then summarily dumped me.
so, i just can’t get how this is not personal. is it because he never loved me (or his wife, or his new gf, or his other conquests?). is it not personal because they just do whatever they want and i was inconsequential? or is it not personal because he never felt that we had a relationship? i’m confused by this.
i think after this i can put all the pieces together and feel much better. also, the day i threw him out, he told me he was ‘very happy’ with his new gf (”she doesn’t nag me or get jealous like you do!”). but it seems that everywhere i read, it is clear that they are never happy. so, that’s just a front?
thanks to all.
happy sunday.
I used to read all of the time. I don’t know what happened. It just seems like everything fell apart. I can remember a time when I was happy and I did things for myself and just really enjoyed myself. Not to be confused. I have yet to feel content. That’s what term I always use. I have moments of happiness but I don’t feel settled, don’t feel content. I feel as if I have to learn all over again. I’ve forgotten how I was able to keep moving. I’ve had to deal with depression of some kind in some way or another most of my life. My mom and sisters (and I’ve recently found out – my paternal grandmother) all have/had issues with it but I was still able to function. These last few years I’ve managed to just get out of bed and go to work. I thought with the job I had in 06-07 I was on my way to really being happy and content. I loved what I was doing but then the xx-S I was involved with kind of took me down little by little and then I got fired from my job and fast forward to this year and I feel like a 34 year old failure. Lost the best job I had, no real relationship, never knew what it was like to hear someone say “I Love you.”, meet ANOTHER socio who further lowers my self-esteem ( i already had felt old) by being with an 18 year old.
I’m trying so hard Letgo but I can’t seem to make myself move, can’t seem to stop the thoughts….. I’m sorry, I know there is nothing you can do… none of you are here but don’t get me wrong. I am hearing your words and I’m trying.
Do you have any good suggestions for books? I
FOUNDFREEDOM
Nope you aint chit ! New gf aint either (it) does’nt care if you where a card board box !
PSY/SOC=memememememememememmeemememememe
love jere
Hi lostingrief: Throw logic out the window when dealing with them … it does you (or any of us) no good.
It’s only personal to you (and us) because it happened to you (us)… your spirit (our spirits).
It is not personal to them … nothing is … except what’s in it for them.
They will say or do whatever it takes … to get what they want. If they want sex “they love you, they respect you, you’re the only one for them … or whatever it is they want to say at the time they want something”.
When they don’t want something from you … they’ll ignore you or insult you or whatever else they want to come up with to dump into your space.
The logic of all they are about is for you to understand what you are up against. The easiest way to explain any of them … is no matter what you see or hear how they went low … they can always, and will always go lower.
NO CONTACT is because no one here wants to have you go 20 steps backward from your healing … cause they will spin and spin and spin you anyway they want to spin you… just because … that’s what they do.
There is no rhyme or reason to them … except they are the opposite of virtue. Look up virtue and vice on the Net. Everything you (we) are, they are opposite … because they are focused on vice, not virtue. You can’t be both … either you focus on the virtues in life, or you aren’t.
Just because “they” say something to you or do something for you … doesn’t make it so.
Peace.
gemini: with regard to books, i found ‘when your lover is a liar’ and ‘without conscience’ to be very helpful in my healing. don’t feel so bad. my ex-s/p/n took me down the path of hell and i lost my job and had to declare bankruptcy at age 50! AND he got some 25 yr old pregnant! we were together on and off for 20 years.
so … you are not alone, my dear. we have all been through the ringer. and the healing takes time.
are you a gemini? me too. so, our first problem is that we allow things to run through our heads over and over again until we can process it intellectually. not a good thing.
please understand that this hurt can not be processed by thinking about it. they are insane. they don’t make any human sense, so trying to ”get it” will make you crazy.
focus on yourself. i know, you hate hearing that. i wanted to punch everyone at first when they said that to me. but it’s the truth. you need healing and when there is no one there to heal you, you MUST do it yourself. 34 is young young young. you have many years to fulfill all your dreams. he took something away from you, but he can’t take any more. just focus on rebuilding: your health, your sanity, your job life, your personal life.
if you want these books, i will be happy to send them to you to read. tell donna to forward me your address. i’ve read them down to a nub and i think i get it now. so i’ll be happy to pass them on to you.
be good to yourself. i know how hard it is to do, but it is the first step in forgiving yourself. he was a useless piece of crap and you are better off without him.
i know how it feels to wonder what he’s doing, to want to call him. for the first two months or so, i would block my number and ring his cell phone almost every day to hear his voice. was he happy? angry? finally, i thought. he doesnt’ give a crap about me? what am i doing? he treated me worse than a piece of garbage on the street, lied, deceived, hurt, railroaded, used, took and then spit me out! what on earth am i doing here?!
he’s not worth one second of your thought, time, love, energy. what you focus on intensifies and is given power. don’t give him ANYTHING … not even covertly. you are going to be fine…we all are. love yourself with all your heart. god is with you. i promise that is true.
we are all here for you.
Wini,
You are absolutely right. The are P.R. masters. Spining, spining, spining. When I last spoke to my x he said so much that he actually sounded like the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoon.
I’m trying very hard to have NC – Almost 3 months isn’t bad but I can’t keep thinking about him and especially him and the OW. It’s just crazy bc I don’t even know if he’s with her and probably moved on to a new victim. I know deep down that even if he were with her he’s still out there whoring and cheating but it’s just the idea that he had her saved in his phone as “Fun Bunny” I still have all those images in my head and it nags me and makes me feel sick.