Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
No fair rubbing it in!!!! I like this time of year though. It’s not too cold. Not too hot.
Gemini_Fairy: My career and my personal finances got destroyed by the likes of “them”. I live off of half a pension, month to month. Do you know what? I don’t care anymore about any of the monetary things in life … it doesn’t even register anymore… My entire perception/concept about life is changed …Good or bad doesn’t matter … it just is.
My EX destroyed my credit history … by having a house that I signed for .. foreclosed. He bilked up my credit cards and trashed my credit history. Anyone that hires me … cans me within weeks of my being hired because my credit history comes back … do they ask me anything? No it’s illegal to do so, as is illegal to check into someone’s credit history … so it’s never discussed … only actions to get rid of me … so they do.
Therefore, I have to start a business on my own to be employed. When I get A ROUND TUIT.
Peace.
Gemini_Fairy … yeah the FALL is great, as is all the seasons … it’s just the heating bills are outrageous.
I love all the seasons … whatever they are … I just don’t want to be reminded of the heating bills … which reminds me that my tank is to be filled this upcoming week … to be gone by a month or so and then filled again … several more times until Spring peaks it’s little face into our location.
Peace.
They suck!!! They take and take. And then they go on about their business like la de da – nothing is wrong, my life is great. Even if it’s not. I remember when I asked my x how he was doing. He said, “I’ve got no complaints”. In my mind that’s “I’m crap and that’s the only thing I can think of to say to make it seem like I’m fabulous.”
I want to be able to be like that – just go on about my business not thinking about him. Instead it takes all my effort and willpower to not overanalyze, and think, and miss and want to call. It truly is exhausting!!! And to think that sorry loser ass is just not thinking about me or anything he did just burns me up!!!!
Dear lostingrief: You’re a baby still yourself. Actually, 50, 60, 70, 80 etc. is all a state of mind … you too, are just starting to live life. The 40s, 30s, 20s are behind you … now is the time to spread your wings and fly.
I too analyze everything … have to pick it up, turn it over, on it’s head, back down again, flip it around, down again, up again … sniff it, taste it, touch it … doesn’t matter … does not go up on the shelf until I figured it out.
But, them on the other hand … don’t go deep into where they dwell … NO NO NO … just let GO, not a happy experience traveling into HELL.
Anyway … tis better for our well being to focus on good stuff in life instead of bad stuff! Positives bring us up, negatives bring us down.
Just have to understand that there are givers and takers in life. Givers give, takers take … and leave it at that.
Peace as you heal.
Gemini_Fairy: He will never give up what he thinks or doesn’t think about you … he only gives you lip service … because he knows that works on you.
Insults are to hide insecurities. STOP listening to anything he (or someone like him) says … take your power back and remember who you are and like who you are again. He or anyone can’t take who you are to yourself away from you.
Peace to your heart and soul … you are almost there … I can see it in your writing … and I am waiting for the day you explode with all the great news you have to tell us … for months on end and never once, mention “him” again … cause he’s behind you ….far, far, far nightmare away … long gone… no more “who”?
I am so annoyed right now. I just spent at least 30 minutes responding to LG, and the computer clicked somehow, and I lost eveything I wrote. MAJOR BUMMER, because I was on a roll! But I will try again…
LG-
They do not play by the same rules that we live by. If we are pure white, then they are multi-colored black. They have learned what makes a normal person tick, cry, laugh. And they apply it to get what they want. They are the center of their world, THIS WHOLE world is THEIRS. Their ego is their reality. To them, we are one in a million, without a name, soul or feelings. We were a “flavor of the week” I know that’s harsh, but it’s true. They latch onto us like a leach and suck the life and energy out of us. It is the only way THEY can exist, is to steal OUR life. Parasites cannot exist without a HOST, correct? But eventually the host dies because the parasite has taken everything from the host and hindered its health, so it discards and moves on, leaving a dying or empty carcass. So, no it was not personal, they simply sense that we have what they need to exist, and they apply the rules they have learned to CONQUER us. The way that I look at it is that they are living in a virtual reality or a video game. We are simply pawns in their game. They have icy cold fluid that runs throughout their veins. They live by entirely different rules, that began when they were young (or before?).
A perfect example:
Last December, m y x-s dumped me, like usual, and this time, I seriously tried harder to move on. But, like usual, he started texting and calling. It usually started with him texting something funny, just to see if I was still there or would respond, as if he hadn’t just treated me so bad days before. Well, this time, I kept ignoring him longer than usual, and he started panicking. “I miss you”this is gonna be the lonliest x-mas”I know what you mean about loss (playing on my past feelings)”I am a broken man”etc.” 30 texts in a day. 100 in 5. All panicky. Then he wrote, “C’mon, LGLG, you know the rules, you have to call.” It was true though. After a few days, I would simply always come around again, no questions asked, and nothing would be fixed, then he’d discard me again. Repeat cycle, every single week. (Sure I thought I was more than a F**K since he was so cuddly, and said he cared for me etc., but in reality, that’s all I was it seems). He wanted me WHEN HE WANTED ME, and not for another second more. Anyway, since I wasn’t playing by the usual RULES of our relationship this instance, he had no idea what to do because he didn’t have the control. He didn’t expect this reaction from me. Next, he showed up at my house with a present, SOOOO unlike him. I could see that he was a mess. And it wasn’t because he was sad, it was because he didn’t UNDERSTAND that I was human. He didn’t understand why I always came back or why I wasn’t this time. He didn’t understand anyone else’s reality but HIS OWN. He didn’t understand why, if he was applying the typical rules, why this wasn’t working. I could see all that in his eyes when he showed up at my house. And seeing him like that, as a lover and giver, I EMPATHASIZED and gave in. It only took days for him to treat me like that again.
Basically, he just had to have control. And to have that, they have to be the master of the game, the master of manipulation, understand how WE work so they can get what THEY need. When they finally discard us, it is because the mirror is gone and broken (they love living in their virtual reality and we simply REMIND them too much that they are awful creatures), and/or we are resisting too much (didn’t you say that the OW wasn’t as ’nagging?’ I’m not saying you were, but just that she puts up with it earier or the mirror is still there), and mostly because they feel they have CONQUERED us. They won the game. If they wanted us in their mind, they could ’have us.’
LG, it is NOT personal. You hosted his needs for a while, but then he found another suitable HOST. DO NOT for A SECOND think he found better, or lose self-esteem. IT WAS NOT PERSONAL, so don’t take it that way. I’m not sure who said this recently, but we could not have done anything differently to get anything different from them. It was NOT US, it was THEM, simple as that.
Wini, you always manage to say it best with the minimum amount of words. Second that!
Hi Wini:
You know what really bothers me? My ex just had to have a dog. We discussed the kinds of dogs out there. He wanted a very aggressive dog like an Akita. I wasn’t comfortable with that because I’ve seen them be extremely territorial. I had a friend who had one and that dog bit so many people who came to the house..almost me too. So, we looked for months and agreed on an Akita mix. You saw pics of my baby, Bear.
He couldn’t “bond” with the dog. Bear doesn’t have an aggressive bone in his body. My ex would fight with me when I would talk to the dog. He didn’t want the dog to have contact to try to make him mean. Once he threw the handle part of the retractable leash at him and made him yelp. Another time, he simply left him at the dog park and called me at work to tell me I better go get him after work because he left him there because he wouldn’t come back to him. It was almost dark and he was 1 of the last 2 dogs there. A lady said she was going to call the pound soon. Another time, he let him out to pee and went back to play computer games and forgot Bear was gone for 3 hours. Thank God a neighbor took him in her house and then walked around with him outside to look for the owner.
Since then, I had Bear microchipped and put my name and phone # on his dog tag too.
How could anyone be so mean? My ex said it’s in the Bible that a dog is on the earth for our amusement and we are not supposed to have feelings for it like we would a human.
He’s the animal…not Bear.
UGH!! Today I’m thinking about the things I do not like about my ex. Who wants a dog and then wants to treat it like it doesn’t exist or be mean to it? And what about my motivation for getting the dog in the first place…to please him!! He’ll never be satisfied or appreciate anything. Meannie.
letgoletgod I like your analogy of parasite and host, they don’t understand, they are just surviving – surface dwellers – we think and feel – they are shallow beings that used us for awhile..