Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
Tis funny how much they resemble one another, sociopathes are all the same, they come in one size fit’s all body’s, different bodies but so similar. I have been thinking about that big question we ask ourselves, did they love us, maybe just a little bit? They made us feel loved but mixed with that anxiety we didnt understand until after the fact. IMHO I think they bond with us, we offer degrees of comfort and security they need so much. It wasnt love the way we loved them tho. We are able to love ourselves and others, we can even live alone, they can not. So all the while we are doing this bonding ritual that they are minute by minute designing for their benifit, we are falling deeper and deeper into the abyss and losing our identity because they are becoming us with their mirroring of our souls. I think it is somewhat an unconscience thing they do, its just pure animal survival for them. I guess they know it is temporary because, that is how they exist minute by minute. one day at a time and when their security and comfort are threatened because they know we have finally looked into their empty souls and can see what was never their, they flee with fear to consume another identity, fear of their own empty selves.
hens:
Your posting contains a lot of truths. One phrase jumped out at me and I have to disasgree with it — “I think they bond with us, we offer degrees of comfort and security they need so much.” I don’t think they bond with us. I think you perfectly described how they parasitically suck us dry to get that comfort and security they need so much.
Changing topics — how is the new job going for you? Still enjoying it — what is it now — 8 months later? I’m enjoying my new job — 8 weeks later. This weekend went out and found a place to rent since corporate housing is giving out shortly. The sale of my place in NYC is proceeding — although there are moments I want to pull out my hair. It’s going to be a looooooong summer in real estate world. Can’t wait to look for a place to buy next fall. I think you’ll ha e to keep me away from bridges and other tall structures.
Hi matt You are probably right about the parasite. maybe I am still trying to find a rose in that dead throrny bush of two years ago. matt my job did not last long, the university leased all utilities and landscaping to an outside company for a fifty year lease and the job never materialized for me. But I am still self employed and dong well with plenty of work, just not the security and benifits that I had hoped to get with the university, I was going to make less money to take that job anyway, so I will just make my own benifits, when I retire at 99 I will pick up cans for a living…Sound like your life is moving fast with so may changes, at least you have a contract on your house, that is a good thing with the economy and housing sales.. This is going to be a great time to buy something tho..Take your time and really find a place with good karma, and try to chill and please dont jump off any bridges you just recovered from being run over by a big 8 legged tick…..take care and am glad you sill drop in from time to time with updates….
Henry, I have the feeling my Narc *thought* he had loved two people in his life, but the way he spoke about them and the way their relationship sounded to me, it wasn’t anything that we’d recognise as love. It was more like, “This is the one that will make my life better. This one ticks all the boxes.” Not that he wanted to make them happy or had any real bonding but that he saw them as the right type to keep him ‘fed’.
I think it says in Women Who Love Psychopaths that they attach but don’t bond. That’s exactly how it looked to me. It’s like a child in a toy shop saying, “I want that one,” and he did WANT them, but it wasn’t love. The love we talk about, they just don’t get it. My Narc even seemed to know he didn’t get it. He knew he’d end up alone because he gets dumped all the time.
One day, out of boredom, loneliness, or just happen chance, you come upon a casino and decide to wander in for the very first time. As you enter, you are rather amazed by all the lights and captivating things that are going on. Suddenly you are not thinking of your troubles, or your responsibilities. Suddenly you are just in the moment and if feels pretty good. You can’t help but notice the biggest, brightest shiniest machine that offers the biggest payout and gets ALL the attention. So you think, “What the heck, nobody is on it right now. Let’s try our luck”.
So you get an “affordable” amount of coins to feed into the machine, deciding that if it didn’t pay out, you’d call it a day and get back to reality. To your surprise, the seat was remarkable comfortable and watching the machine at work was such immediate fun. Low and behold, with only a few coins in, you get a “win”. “Wow”, you say, “I just won more than I spent. I could just go home now and count my blessings, but gee, I’m ahead, let’s see what else might happen.” And so we continue to insert coin after coin
Time stops. The world stops. Not much else seems to matter and ahhhh, what happiness and joy we are feeling. What FUN we are having with this machine. Then someone comes by with a thirst quenching beverage and reports that it’s raining outside. The thought of going back out into the world, where it’s raining and having to get back to our real world is not exactly inspiring. However, you ARE coming down to our last few coins and as much as we don’t want to admit, we’ve actually now spent more than we came in with. “But that’s ok, it’s still not that much. It’s not really going to impact my life. The time I’ve been gone in the casino, the investment I’ve made”.I can leave now and walk out and just return to it all without any real ill affects.”
But just as you drop that last coin in, the machine was programmed to know the odds of how many chances you are willing to take and it gives you another fairly healthy payout. We look up to see what the jackpot is. “WOW, if I hit THIS jackpot, it would change my life.” And then you convince yourself that EVEN THOUGH you know the outside world is now starting to suffer due to your absence, if you can just bring home the big prize, you will be regarded as a winner after all. And won’t that just change all the drudgery. You’ll be happy and you can make everyone happy around you. Now, with all this TIME spent on this machine, you don’t DARE leave to go to the bathroom. After all, someone else might just sit down at this machine that you have now invested so much in and get YOUR payout. “Hell no,” you won’t allow that. So you decide to stop serving your own basic needs”.to drink, to the bathroom”..because you just can’t risk losing out NOW! It would kill you.
THEN you start to talk the machine. Actually thinking it’s listening. “Come on, Baby. Give me this win. I need this win.” As if you have a relationship with this machine. As if you can somehow use all your power to capture the power of the universe to change what this machine is PROGRAMMED to do! You can’t BLAME the machine. It’ not the MACHINES fault.
You are starting to panic. You’ve lost your investment, your time—friends are calling”..family is wondering where you are”..children are being neglected. But if only, if only. “If I could just win back my investment. It’s not too late. I can recover my life.” And so you continue, to pour in coin after coin and just, JUST as you are down to what is TRULY your last coin, PAY OUT. JOY! The bells go off, you smile, you grab buckets to catch all your winnings. But you can’t do the math anymore. You’re too tired. You’ve spent too much time at this machine. But it appears you are ahead of where you started. Oh so you convince yourself. It’s not the jackpot, but it keeps you in the game.
Then the game becomes: How many chances are you prepared to take? You’ve been in this WAY too long now. You NOW feel that the ONLY way to right your real life is to win this jackpot. You are trapped. This is the ONLY way out. And so you continue begging the machine to PLEASE see how much you’ve invested, how much time you’ve spent. “Come on baby, show me you love me,” you chant to the machine. As if it can hear you.
Ok, enough with the analogy. I’m intentionally not throwing in the part about how you might be one who leaves the casino a loser, time after time, but you go back again and again, in hopes the results will change. You get it. And so, finally, FINALLY do I. The machine is doing what the machine was programmed to do and guess what, the place is FULL of them and everyone sitting at a chair in front of one is making a decision about what to do. Some walk out without a problem, some get lucky and have picked the RIGHT machine and walk out a winner. For those of us WITH a problem, there is one rule and one rule only, STAY OUT OF THE CASINO. NEVER COME BACK! You can get your life back on track, no matter how bad you let it go. But you now know that you are a sucker for a slot machine. Don’t blame yourself. This was your first time in a Casino. Now you know what one looks like and you KNOW to stay away.
So you see, Dear Friends. It doesn’t matter if it’s drugs, gambling or a love addiction. It’s all the same stuff. There is a reason we don’t put healthy limits on ourselves. A reason we get drawn in to one addiction, or another. I have fought my way through 8 years of it and even though I can barely eat, sleep, think or work, I have FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY come to accept that letting go of this hope that “someday, yes someday”, is the ONLY way out and that there is only one simple rule to follow. ONLY ONE RULE. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, walk into a casino again. You know what one looks like now. You know how they affect you. You know where you’ll end up. So just STAY AWAY, STAY AWAY. And accept that there is another place to experience bright, shiny lights that fill you with joy. Now it’s time to lie down and simply look at the stars and find some quiet so you can start to find your place in the world again. And truly, FINALLY accept that you have nothing more to give. True you will always love the casino. True you could quickly be right back in the thrill and the escape and the elation of how exciting it all is and TRUE, with ENOUGH invested, you MAY, just MAY, end up with the jackpot. But really, are you prepared to take more chances? Can you afford to? Do you really have that much more that you can invest without losing it all? Yes you can spend YEARS with the machine and it MAY just pay off. But how has the payoff been so far? Or as Dr. Phil would say, “How’s it workin’ for ya?” You simply cannot afford more. You have spent ALL you have. In fact you spent MORE than you have and if you haven’t lost it all, you are darn close to. So just accept defeat. Don’t blame the machine. Ask yourself why you didn’t draw the line when you should have and then go fix the damage you have done.
I have POURED over this site for hours and hours. And I keep thanking Donna and you all for being here. It’s like I woke up in Greece and didn’t know how the hell I got here. So I went looking for an English/Greek dictionary and found it in LF.com. In the beginning I understood what the Greek words meant in English, but I was FAR from speaking the language. I can tell you, that while I’ll never be Greek, I’m fluent. In fact I think I could hire myself out as a translator now. LOL
There’s a lot of pain on this site, in story after story like mine. There’s a lot of anger and hatred and so many wise thoughts and expressions of love and I thank you all for sharing, so we can all find a place to relate and be helped and not feel alone. To Donna, to Oxy, to StarGazer, to Southman, to so many more, you have helped so much. I write this for my own benefit, but I post it in hopes of helping others like me.
In all the postings, I have to say that the one that I have to note is from Wini, as it is closest to what I believe. I know others have said similar things, but I wanted to repeat Wini’s words here. This is what she wrote:
“If you’ve read Cleckley or Lowen ” you’d understand the concept of the anti-socials have denied their emotions since they were kids (some out of horrific abuse in their lives ” and others of what I think is their egos not wanting to listen to simple reprimands from parental figures when they are children) ” either way, they deny their emotions to survive as children ” it becomes a way of life for them ” hence, that’s why they can do such horrific situations in life to others ” cause they can’t feel the pain they cause other people.
If they could feel what they do to others ” I don’t believe they would be doing any of this in the first place. It’s because they’ve denied their emotions (which naturally goers dormant) over the years ” is why they can do the most outrageous things in life.
I keep thinking what positive motivational speakers say ” about how it takes the average person half the period we were in an abusive situation to heal (e.g. if you were married for 20 years ” then the healing time is basically 10 of those years to work the abuse out of your life). If that theory is correct ” then if these folks are in their 40s, 50s, 60s etc. and have been denying their emotions for 35, 45, 55 years ” then therapy for them is half of the 35 years, 45 years, 55 years. That’s what I think the probably is ” it takes this long to break their walls down.
P.S. I’ll tell you this true story ” a year before my bosses went after me, I worked with a co-worker who was tapped into God. I was at my best friend’s office and this woman was in her office working together. I stuck my head in and said “don’t want to bother you two, just walking by to say “hi”. The woman turned to me and said “Wini, there is a man glowing of gold and blue surrounding you”. I said “what”? She said, there is this kindly man around 70 years old that surrounds you and his aura is blue and gold. I said, without thinking “that’s my Dad”. She said “I know, I just wanted to tell you that he’s around you”. I said, OMG, you see this? She said yes ” and I want to tell you something else. I said “what”? She said, your Ex husband thanks you. I said “why”. She said “because you sent your love out to the universe when he died and he made it into heaven because someone on Earth loved and cared for him ” not only did you truly love him ” but, you said so many nice things about him ” that he not only made it into heaven, he went up a few rungs of the ladder while there, because you loved him. I said “OMG Jackie, what are you tapped in to”. She smiled and said “God”. I said “I knew it, I knew you were, I felt it in my soul all these years working with you”.
Blessings to all that come here. Wini.”
As I said, I support this thinking. That those that hurt us are not evil to the core. I understand their journey and I now know what I must do with mine. I must, EACH DAY, do what is good for me and those around me. Just good. Not what is going to “make him realize he should be with me”, not “get revenge”, “not endure years of anguish in hopes that my love will prevail and I can be a partner to him, as he faces the reality of his emotional state”..in hopes that SOMEDAY we can have a happy life together.” NO. NO. That hasn’t worked. Those coins have NOT paid off. NOW I will just do what is good for me and those around me. I try and make the best decisions I can and I try not to be hard on myself for the mistakes I have made, knowing I am working to correct some and not make others again.
And like Wini, I say, “blessings to all the come here.” I really have to go now. I promise to drop in when I think I can add value. But honestly, I just have to stop being totally consumed by all this and put one foot in front of the other. I’m not SAYING it’s a smooth, easy, uphill walk. I know I might slide back. Have bad moments. Have sad moments. Have moments of despair and frustration and think for just a second. “If only that jackpot had just paid off.” But I am ABSOLUTELY resolved to ONE thing above ALL else. I am NEVER walking back into that casino. If it looks like a slot machine, I’m staying away. Hopefully it won’t be a slot machine, disguised as a bank machine and I can tell the difference if it is. LOL. You know what I’m saying. One day at a time, Dear Friends. Trust in yourself. Trust in God. Just take care of yourself and others around you. DON’T forget to take care of you. It’s easy to put yourself aside. You need to tell yourself you deserve to be looked after a bit. Even if you are having to do it yourself. Even it “they” did try, in the way they are capable, to be good to you in some ways, you deserve real love. Now accept it will NEVER come from them (sad as that may be”.even possibly the THEM in some way) and move on. THIS time, I truly am.
Calista:
What a great analogy……I live in a gambling town….I totally get ‘feeding’ the machine.
Good luck to you and may you have calm winds guiding your seas ahead.
Calista,
Wow, you found an old blog piece.
I like your analogy of the casino. Like Erin, I’m in a casino town, and for many years casinos were my clients. I have seen what you are talking about – people who just keep feeding the machines, until they have nothing left. In fact, I wrote a blog piece comparing relationships with sociopaths to gambling, but you painted a far better analogy than I did.
This article that you posted on is the first time in which I wrote about the idea that there was a purpose to the experience with the sociopath. I expand upon that idea greatly in my book, which is now, of course, finished, and is called “Love Fraud – how marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan.”
I am addressing some of these concepts further in the Love Fraud Book Blog. I realize that some of my ideas about the spiritual purpose of the experience do not coincide with mainstream beliefs, so I thought it best to discuss them separately.
http://lovefraud.com/book/?discussion=1
But the bottom line is that any way in which we come to terms with our experience, release the pain and find peace is valid. There is room for many journeys.
Thank you again, Donna. I spent many hours reading over the postings on this page and contemplating them all. I can’t tell you how much it helped me. And although I’m wobbling on my feet, at least today those feet have made it to the floor. LOL.
Donna’s book has been on my nightstand. Mine is number 64. I try not to read before bed (as I normally would). While the book is thought provoking and inspiring, it gets all the gears going and does not make for a restful night’s sleep. LOL. However, due to my complete inability to do much else of late, (CAUSED BY BREAKING THE NO CONTACT RULE!) it’s been my constant companion……along with this amazing site.
Today was a MUCH, MUCH better day. I was ready to write what I wrote. I was ready to say goodbye to something I had held onto for so many years and just couldn’t seem to bring myself to FINALLY releasing.
Like Donna and so many, I believe that this all DOES have a higher purpose….Making me think of how Mother Teresa once said, “I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.” LOL.
Whether you are on this site, or studying the Law of Attraction, or reading the Bible, one of the common threads among them ALL is that in order to get what you want in life, you MUST learn how to RELEASE it to….call it the universe…call it God….call it whatever you like…….Because whatever you are regards as “the universe”, is TRYING to give you what you are asking for. But if you are SO convinced that you’ve found the answer to your prayers…….And it’s CLEAR that you haven’t…..And you persist with that belief……If you don’t release it, you will NEVER be able to RECEIVE what it is that TRULY will fulfill your dreams.
I’ll say it again. We have to be aware and ABLE to RECEIVE what is truly being sent to us. And if we are SO fixated on this ONE THING as THE answer to ALL our prayers, we are blocking ALL the good that COULD be coming into our life. I could go on forever about all this. But, to anyone reading now I will say this: KNOW that your love was not “wasted”. KNOW that it’s not possible for the great minds of all ages to say “everything happens for a reason” and it not be true. And KNOW that you CAN have happiness. But……But…….BUT!!!!!!!…. YOU MUST LET GO.
I can’t tell you when you’ll get to that point. I know that was the crushing question I wanted the answer to. It’s the classic story of any addict. You HAVE to reach “that” BREAKING point. You hit it when you hit it. But it’s VERY important to keep working toward it. And finally, as my analogy encourages, you simply can’t get over the compulsion to gamble, if you keep going into the bloody casino. I HATE to use such a classic recovery cliche, but you truly do have to “Let go and Let God”. I can tell you for certain that there is peace there.
My favorite book, which I read ten years ago…is Loving What Is…by Byron Katie. Check out her Website online and try doing “the work”. It is life changing….
Callista,
Thank you for the positivity and inspiration. Just what I needed.
🙂