Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
Dear Breathless,
She says that she knows “God has a plan”—-LOTS OF FALSE PROPHETS AND PREACHERS preach about the Plan that they are sure God has for X Y or Z—-do not believe every person who says that they know what “God’s plan” is.
Look at that minister with the mega church and he supposedly told these young men that it was “God’s will, and God’s plan” for him to have sex with these young men. DUH!??? Look at “Rev.” Tony Alamo who told his flock that it was GODS WILL that he marry these 9 year olds “so they didn’t become whores.”
See what I mean, these are way out claims for being “God’s Will” but PEOPLE BELIEVED THEM but the PROPHETS WERE FALSE.
The Bible doesn’t promise us a storm free journey across life’s sea, but He does promise us a safe landing. If you look at the story of King David, at the time King Saull was still alive. Saul was trying to kill David and David was warned and fled into the wilderness….now think about this. God could have kept Saul from trying to kill David but He didn’t. Yet he saived David’s life in the wilderness by not allowing Saul to find him…why did God LET SAUL TRY TO KILL DAVID? I don’t know the ansewr except that there was SOME LESSON that david needed to learn out in that desert.
Why did God allow my son to send a man to kill me and I had to leave my home and hide? THERE WAS A LESSON THERE FOR ME. Like David, I was eventually allowed to come home, but there were some BIG LESSONS out in that “wilderness” living in my RV.
The Bible also promises us that “ALL things work together for GOOD to those that love the Lord.” So I have to TRUST that as bad as this experience has been, I WILL GET A BENEFIT OUT OF IT.
BTW, If God really intends for that man to be her husband, believe me, it is to teach her a lesson she has not heretofore learned. I think it will be a VERY painful lesson as well for her, just as it has been for you. I’m just glad that you can move on at this time and finish learning the lessons. ((((Hugs)))))
Dear Fearless,
A neighbor of mine came over last night, she was married to a P for 32 years. It was a TRAUMATIC divorce. It has been about 7 years since the divorce, I hadn’t seen much of her due to her problems and mine over the past 6 years, but she looked GREAT last night. The last time I had seen her she looked horrible, her skin had the GLOW of a cancer patient or molded saddle leather. She looked and sounded terrible back then.
Now she is funny, her skin glows and she is HERSELF. It does not bother her at all to see her X or his new wife, in fact, last year she had christmas at the house of one of their sons with the X and his new wife there. She said he was so uncomfortable he avoided her like a snake, but that she no longer was upset or cared. it was OK. WOW! That is some serious healing! Some serious getting to the NIRVANA OF INDIFFERENCE!
So even if you can’t be physically NC you can BE EMOTIONALLY NC with the psychopaths. It can be done! If this gal can do it, belive me anyone of us can! ((( Hugs))))) and God bless.
Thank you Ox Drover and BIG hug back to you 🙂
Dear OxDrover,
Thanks again. That really rings true with me. I have shed pounds (I call it the emotional wreck diet: eat half of what you did or nothing at all), I feel lite emotionally, I see light in my eyes again and I spontaneously speak and I make people laugh without thinking about what I am saying. I AM FREE or at least getting there. Thanks for the story of hope that applies to my situation. I believe I can get there, but I am looking forward to not joining the festivities this year. It’s too soon. I need my space. I need to readjust. I am sure there will be fall out, but I am laying the groundwork and I will stick to my guns. My life is about me and my child now. (((HUGS))) right back at ch’ya!
Dear Fearless,
I need to shed some pounds but I am doing it with a REVISED eating program not CHAOS!!! the Chaos weight loss program is NO LONGER FOR ME! LOL I know I have to shed this weight which I have put on with “stress eating” (that is what happens once the PART ONE OF THE CHAOS CRASH WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM is over and you start to regain everything you lost plus 50%! LOL
“It’s only 1 or 2 pounds” is the mantra for this second part of the weight program, and every week or two you get on the scale and say this aloud to yourself and because it makes you feel bad, you go get a piece of cake!
Actually you can keep this up like I did until you regain the 20 pounds you lost and 40 more! DUH! “Oh, it’s only a couple of pounds” LOL
So now I am SERIOUSLY on the CHANGING EATING HABITS, not a “diet” and not “chaos” LOL My “appestat” (that is like a Thermo STAT only it is for the amount of food you need) is not yet “reset” to a lower number of calories so I am kicking starting the WEIGHT LOSS AND IMPROVED EATING with a 2 week 1200 calorie food intake, and since this is probably only 1/3 to 1/2 of what I have been taking in on average my body is SCREAMING for MMORRRRRREEEEE FOOOOD! So I have to let the poor thing acclimate for a little while and then it will be easier (not EA-ZY but EA-ZIER) to stay on a revised food intake plan (notice how I am avoiding th) LOL
I am glad that you are doing well and seeing light in your eyes again! Just as it took “time” to wreck us, it will take TIME to repair us!
I’ve sort of picked the “improvement of the week” for myself, and each week something new I need to work on comes up and I work on that for a while, then start on another “project” in my self improvement, so I am BACK TO WEIGHT LOSS and HEALTH IMPROVEMENT! (full circle!) I don’t think I will ever fix it all or run out of PROJECTS TO WORK ON but that’s okay, it is called LIFE! (((HUGS))))
Dear OxDrover,
I hate not feeling full. I think I overate a lot when with xpath. Now I live by the taking less and not having to clean my plate rule. I had a wonderful maternity nurse, very young and just terrific told me about her “perfect bite” rule: when all the flavors of your meal have been perfectly blended and you are feed, not full; she’s say that was “the perfect bite” and push the plate away. I try to employ that but it’s tricky. I don’t drink enough water, though I should; I like ice water with lemon & it is calorie free goodness that can sometimes trick your belly if you’ve reached a magic calorie number for the day. I think it is ultimately how one feels in their skin, heart and in their favorite jeans & what their doctor has to say…keep fighting the good fight!!!
fearlesspeace – don’t know if this would be for you or not, but i went to overeaters anonymous for a number of years. if 12 step programs are something that might fit, it was quite helpful.
i gained a lot of weight when i quit smoking. i had been smoking by the age of 10 – so i had no coping skills, but i had cigarettes. when i quit, i found food. with a vengeance. i lost all my weight sanely and kept it off for a number of years. (until the spath).
12 step programs are not a good fit for me, but if it feels like a good fit, it could help a lot.
one_step, it sounds like you have done some amazing and difficult work! Congratulations you can get where you want to be again, if you are not already. I know about the yo-yo and I am concerned about slipping. I’ve gotta get better about packing a lunch and eating breakfast at home, so I’m not eating junk on the road in the a.m. As for smoking, I’m on that yo-yo too. I have quit for long periods (months or years), but seem to go back during periods like these. I’ve gotta develop those coping skills! As far as effective therapeutic solutions, THIS is the best I have found!
Looking at myself the last few days – i am some fucked up psychologically. I feel like a shell – both hollow and inauthenitic. I am less honest, less forthcoming, less happy, less many things, than i was before the spath.
i keep going, ’cause that’s what i do, and i made a conscious choice not to do myself in, not ever to go there in thought, let alone deed. i have some say in the matter and i choose life. the spath taught me that hopelessness was desirable. i went there for while after the fake death. but i pulled myself out of that – because it too was self-indulgent. i don’t feel a lot of hope, but that is a base line right now, not indulgence. i keep getting knocked by my health, and i gotta tell you these last couple of weeks i have just given up. the environment around me isn’t safe. walking down the street isn’t – ahhh, the sun is shining, the kids are playing, i smell the autumn leaves…its: mold, dryer sheets, cigarette smoke, avoid avoid avoid. fuck. i want a life. i want a life.
i was up late last night, triggered by more weirdness than i expected, and the uni kids partying – i finally called the cops and got them shut down. tonight might be bad too – it’s a big party weekend in the city. The new neighbors across the street have been going at it the last 2 nights – partying in the yard, howling and boozing. first night i asked in a friendly way, and they kept it down. but then again last night..HELL NO! i put up with this at my last place and didn’t get good sleep for 2 years…i called the cops lots and finally got those twerps fined so often they stopped. but last night i just went over and tore a strip off the neighbours – standing their all surprised with their little joints hanging from their mopey mouths. tolerance for bs is at about one on a scale of 1 to 10.
and that lack of tolerance – man that makes me feel so hollow…so isolated. but, if this is who i am to be – swinging bats (figuratively) to draw boundaries, then i guess this is who i am to be. i cannot suffer the way i have in the past; i have to say NO. will be talking to property standards and the health board again on monday. this building i live in needs to be investigated. bully landlord will be horrid about it, but i have to go ahead. i live in a place that both needs work and i am bullied by him. so, if he is forced to do some repairs – well then, i am just down to bullied, but in a better building.
how am i going to find some peace? i don’t like my insides anymore. i am so anxious because of the chemical sensitivities…where is peace? peace please speak to me, i open my heart to you.
One-Step-At-A-Time, – “Smoking by the age of 10!” HOLY COW! I agree that the “Emotional Wreck Diet” can be a bad one. But when I look at how Im eating, it’s a lot like when I did Weight Watchers (in terms of intake). I’m just not counting the points. LOL.
The great thing about the Emotional Wreck program is that the DESIRE to eat compulsively is just GONE. Now that I have those bloody first 10 pounds off (that I’ve fought against for almost THREE YEARS), I’m NEVER going back to that mental battle. Just like I’m NEVER going back to having my life filled with lies and deception. So I have 9 lbs more to go and it felt GREAT to throw on a new pair of jeans and go out last night. The weather last night was AMAZING. Warm, with a soft breeze. I ate outdoors by the water and it felt almost magical. I talked for SEVEN hours with a wonderful friend of mine. My night with him was just what the doctor ordered. Just normal, interesting conversation, with someone who appreciates my brain and my personality…..it was all so refreshing. A full evening devoid of the mental gymnastics I always had to endure with Mr. Wonderful. We covered SO many topics. We ate, laughed, cried (well, I cried anyway) and I drove home playing happy tunes on my iPod, instead of my usual. “It’s killing me to live without you”, playlist.
My brother came to be with me this weekend (WEEKENDS ARE ROUGH), so I have gone 2 full days without deep suffering.
I realized something as I walked my dog tonight. I realized HOW many times I actually DID maintained my self-worth when I was IN my relationship, by not allowing “him” to continue to be disrespectful to me. I bet, if I had wanted to, I could have stayed with him. I certainly know I could be “seeing him” right now. So even though I was lured back into it all, I quickly saw that nothing had changed…..that I was right back twisting in the wind…..I was back on edge……..I was once again feeling abandoned every time he left my bed, my home…..I was filled with grief, wondering where he was going….who he was leaving my bed for……..I would scheme about how I’d “catch him red-handed” and PROVE how he was LYING TO ME ONCE AGAIN!……..But THIS time I FINALLY had ENOUGH of it all. And even though it has taken YEARS to get out of my relationship, I HAVE to give myself credit for the times that I didn’t allow him to hurt me further. And I removed MYSELF from it. DESPITE the fact that it causes me great suffering to do so.
So I’m trying not to give myself a hard time for wasting so many years…..for allowing my life to get so bad. I’m trying to look at the strength I DID have and how much I am demonstrating now, with all I’m doing.
I’m going to continue to fill my life with things that make me happy. Family, friends, music, whatever. Happy. Ahhhh. Happy. It’s been such a long time since I was TRULY happy. The difference now, is that before I was always thinking of ways I could make HIM happy. If HE could be happy then I could be happy. WE could be happy. Now I’m just working on doing things that make ME happy. I’m not being selfish. Taking good care of my son, makes me happy. Being kind to strangers, or anyone for that matter, makes me happy. But it’s different than TRYING to make SOMEONE else happy. Especially when the other person was NEVER happy, no matter HOW much I loved him unconditionally. No matter HOW nice I was, or good I looked, or HOW great the sex was, or HOW much I allowed him to do whatever the hell he wanted to, or HOW much I supported his dreams, or HOW much I was willing to do for him, or, or, or………
…..At least now, I’m actually getting SOME happiness, from my attempts to create happiness.
I quit smoking at 40. I’ll never go back to that either.
Blessings everyone. Blessings.