Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
As I was wondering what to write about for my blog article this week, Southernman429 did me a favor and provided a topic. He posted the following on Dr. Leedom’s most recent article:
I’d like to pose a question to Donna, M.L., and Dr. Leedom”¦
Is it normal to go on with your life”¦ develop new relationships”¦ have new goals and new ideals”¦ years go by”¦ basically move on from the sociopathic experience”¦ but yet”¦ still feel a emptiness in a part of your heart, or a tugging at your soul”¦ a sort of grieving”¦ maybe partly for them, or about them, but also about yourself”¦ even though in hindsight, you have gained so much because of this experience and have used it as a springboard to a new life with a new mindset”¦?
Donna, I know that you have since re-married after your sociopath experience”¦ Does that bad relationship ever come up in your thoughts, affect your emotions or thinking”¦ even though you are happily married?”¦ At what point does this “go away—¦ or does it ever?
My experience with a sociopath
Let me answer the question by providing some background. I met my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in July 1996, married him in October 1996, and left him in February 1999. In a short two and a half years, he cost me about $300,000, put me in serious debt, had affairs with six women that I know of, and had a child with one of those women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of that child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. I suspect he married her to get health insurance, because he had diabetes and I sure wasn’t going to be carrying him on my insurance any more.
I was divorced in February 2000. The judge awarded me all the money that was taken from me, plus $1 million in punitive damages, plus attorney fees. For the next year I conducted an international asset search for his money so I could get back on my feet financially. I never found it, and in May 2001, I had to bite the bullet and declare bankruptcy.
Those five years were the most emotionally tumultuous of my life. Fear, anger, betrayal, dismay, hopelessness, doubt, rage, numbness—I was wracked by every negative emotion under the sun. My stomach was always knotted. I couldn’t sleep. My face, arms, back and chest were covered with zits. Yet I had to hold myself together to deal with the divorce, get my business going again, keep my few clients happy. Frequently it all became too much and I collapsed into a puddle of tears.
I begged God to help me; I yelled at God for letting my ex get away with his crimes; I prayed to God to take away the pain.
The larger purpose
God didn’t take away the pain—at least not right away. I worked my way through it. Luckily, I had a wonderful therapist, a woman who I refer to as an energy worker. She helped me process the pain and see the spiritual reason for the journey.
I haven’t written this on the Lovefraud Blog (although others have), but I believe there is larger purpose for our encounters with the sociopaths. These traumas are opportunities for deep, profound healing. When our hearts and souls are ripped open by the sociopath, not only are we given a chance to release and forgive the betrayal of the predator, but we are given a chance to release and forgive the buried pain within us that made us susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
But it requires work. The only way past the pain is through it. We must allow ourselves to feel, in all the gory agony, the traumas of our past that were brought to the surface by the deceit and betrayal of the sociopath.
It is a physical experience. It isn’t pretty. I spent many hours in the privacy of my meditation room, crying, raging, and finally collapsing when a piece of the burden was released.
In time, however, the pain within me dissipated. What replaced it? Love and joy.
Starting new chapters
To directly answer Southernman429’s question, in the past two years, there has only been one set of circumstances that triggered the old pain. It came each time I started a new chapter in the book I’m writing about my experience.
To draw up an outline for each chapter, I’d review my files, with all those massive credit card statements. I’d look at old e-mails, in which I tried to find solutions to my problems. I’d re-read my journal, where I wrote with raw emotion of the moment. Reviewing the materials brought back the knots in my stomach, and the incredulity that I let my ex-husband con me. But as I got going on each chapter, the knots relaxed.
I met my current husband, Terry Kelly, in 2001, about the time I finally decided to give up the financial battle and declare bankruptcy. I told Terry my sorry story on our first date—armed with the information that my ex was a sociopath. On our second date, Terry brought a copy of his tax return to prove that, unlike my ex-husband, he actually had an income.
We’ve been together seven years, and married for three. I have never been so happy. My life is full. There is an aliveness within me that I never experienced before. And it never would have happened if all the walls within me hadn’t been shattered.
The title of my book, by the way, is Cracked Open: How marriage to a sociopath led to spiritual healing.
LIG: I couldn’t resist. HEE HEE. I had a great day. Can you believe I got a homestead rebate check in the mail for $550.21 and needed $550 to pay the lawyer to file my deed?? That’s just wild! The check has only my name on it too which is a blessing because both our names are on the deed.
Kat: Keep the faith. You’d hate your life more I’m sure if you were still involved with the S. When you come to NYC LIG and I will cheer you up.
Let’s start thinking of a date soon. Early December perhaps?
I’ll say prayers tonight for all our LF Bloggers to overcome so we can open our hearts to let the right people in and to keep the bad S’s out! Trust me. God is with us. He won’t abandon the good guys.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUPERSTAR!!!
All I can say is THANK YOU,THANK YOU,THANK YOU
I went to my first “back into the real life” function, since I left my EX. It was a simple get together at a cabin with a bunch of women friends. Activities included a stop into town to get pumpkins, a walk through a nature trail, snacks, kayacking and a art project. Sounded completely non threatening. All the activities were fun. Now came the art project …a mural, collage (s.p). Simple right…cut out pictures from a magazine and glue them on a board. Let the topic call out to you. Whell, after I pick up about the 3rd magazine with ton’s of pictures of the mountain my wedding pictures were taken in front of; I was gone. Off to la, la land. We were to also incorporate words into this project. The next page had the words “WOULDA, COULDA, SHOULDA”. Further into La, La land. I told my self this was a sign.. This is how FREAKING crazy I can get……Ok I am getting to the point. I was supose to stay for the entire weekend, but I was feeling so sorry for myself that I basically lied and made an excuse to leave. I was only about one mile away when the editor for the magazine that I was interviewed for (a story on domestic violence) called to confirm some of the info. She started to read me a few lines and I needed to let her know I said “he would let me know the apples were soft”not that “he would get furious if the apples were soft”. It seemed like the writer did not understand that no yelling needed to take place. It was the tone, the body posture saying things he said without yelling was scarier. I wanted so badly to let readers know domestic violence is not just yelling and hitting. What my ex did was much more deceptice and controling….he went unnoticed by everyone. Anyway now I was really going bat $h!t crazy. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS….I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO GET THE CHANCE TO HELP OTHERS WITH MY STORY,BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT EVEN GETTING IT RIGHT……When I got off the phone…My mind immideately started coming up with all kinds of ways I could try to get “HIM” to tell me what happened. I wanted to hear him say he was sorry. It was getting very dark and deer pop out onto the roadway quite often, so I knew I had to pay attention. I have no clue why but I started thinking about EVERYTHING I read on this site.
Next thing I know I am chanting…NO NC, NO NC….no contact, no contact, no contact, no contact. NO, NO, No, NO, NO, No NO.
Guess what, I got home did not hit a deer, did not stop at a bar (I just celebrated 6 yrs sober on the 5th) and I DID NOT CALL HIM. The first thing I did when I got into my house was take a nice warm bubble bath and I ate a chocolate dounut and had a glass of milk…then I got on the internet and Emailed him….just kidding….I did NOT CONTACT him and I know that if I continue to take all of you where ever I go…or when my mind goes to him…..I’ll be ok.
So, please never ever think that what you have to say is not important, or that it might sound silly………what everyone has had to say, share or vent about has saved my life. I have one friend who is convinced that if I go back …she will be ordering me a name plate for the plaque that will go up on the wall at the domestic violence shelter that I stayed at…cause I will be dead in no time.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Molly: Sounds like you had a great time and finished off the day with a good cup of NC. You know what my mother says to me about my ex? “If you ever get back with him you might as well put your neck in a noose.” Moms. They’re always right. I hear her say that to me when my thoughts start to wander astray.
And you guys won’t believe this one. When I found out about the OW 5 months ago, I reached out to the wife whom has been trying to get a divorce from the S for 2 years. We’d been working together against the S…me to get my deed, her to get her divorce. We’ve had such nice conversations and emails that we are going to get together soon for lunch. Who would have thought???? We both helped eachother heal and to get the S to straighten out our lives. Well have a good night all.
OX DROVER
Friday October 1oth @10:07 pm
I do not know how I missed this entry. I just read it. I wish I would have read it before I had my interview with the reporter. It says how I feel in a nut shell. Actually, that’s how I feel now!!! LIKE A NUT, in a SHELL and I do not know if I ever want to come out. I do not know if I could ever, ever, ever…did I say ever……trust again. How will you know? I took a leap of faith with my Ex and find that I fell off the edge into a deep dark abyss. I feel like putting a add in our local community paper….Wanted…someone to come over three times a week keep me company in the kitchen, help if you’ed like while I cook dinner. Afterwards, sit with me on the porch in front of a fire and watch the stars and tell me how your day went or what your plans for tomorrow are. Or snuggle with me on the couch while we watch a movie. Gentaly grab me and dance with me in the hallway before you leave or even spend the night…just holding me in your arms. Look at me when you talk to me. Never promise me anything. Never say GOOD BYE!!! And if you grow tired of this routine..just quietly leave and never come back…you do not have to treat me poorly to getme to ask you to leave.
Hey there, everyone.
Speaking about the OW–I look at her/them now and say they saved my life. The girlfriend that he had when we were married saved my life; the new wife saved my life again, when he started the charming phase with me again after my mom died. They only know what they were being told and who the heck knows what that could have been.
Speaking of mothers–I went to a medium the other day. My mom passed away about 10 months ago. The medium said my mom said that my ex is a liar and a cheat and she wished he was dead and buried! If that wasn’t my mom I don’t know what is?
I am starting to see my life in front of me rather than looking back at the miserable life that I had with the S. I am not sure if this feeling will “stick” but I hope so. This is the first time I am feeling this. I am even considering dating…Wow, this is new.
My ex S hasn’t changed at all. He is still the biggest arrogrant axxhole. His new wife’s family is starting to see who their daughter married. Boy, what an uneasy feeling.
I just sent my ex a letter about alot of money that he owes me based on our divorce agreement. I have given him a date to pay this money and said I would be filing a motion for contempt of court if he doesn’t pay this money to me. I haven’t heard anything from him yet. I am waiting for the angry, pissed off phone call. Then the phone call of pity and feel sorry for me-I don’t have the money. Too bad, I will try to get it.
-Ginger
Do they always have an OW? My ex-sociopath (I like that) had been corresponding with one on that childish website, Myspace, for over a year! A YEAR! Did she not know that we were living together? I often wonder. Funny … he lied to me and told me that they were not seeing each other anymore, not dating anyone yada, yada, and all the while he was still seeing her. I don’t feel too sorry for her … she had to know. She’s really young (early 20’s), and he says that her family has money. Dum-dum-DUM!!!!
Dear Molly,
I’m glad my post was applicable. I’m glad that you had a great time this weekend though.
Learning to TRUST again isn’t about trusting others, it is about TRUSTING OURSELVES.
We’ve been BETRAYED by someone we trusted, and while we lose trust in that particular person, the biggest loss is that we lose trust in ourselves to DISTINGUISH the good from the bad. So any person we meet that we don’t know, we are AFRAID to trust ourselves to make a good and valid decision.
The way, I think, to restore this trust is a little at a time.
Learning about Ps and other toxic and DYSFUNCTIONAL people AND LEARNING TO APPLY THESE LESSONS to new relationships, a little at a time is how we will learn to TRUST ourselves to pick out the Ps in our lives in the future.
My LIST of “deal breakers” with other peopole are:
#1 LIES, if a person tells lies to anyone about anything, they are OUT OF MY CIRCLE OF TRUST FOREVER#2 INAPPROPRIATE OR BADLY HANDLED ANGER to anyone
#3 A DEMONSTRATED FEELING OF SUPERIORITY OR ENTITLEMENT
#4 ANYONE WHO IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEMSELVES, or blame places
The list is longer, but you get the idea. I don’t need any of the people who do these things in my life. Period. So, if I see someone engage in these things, I don’t trust them, no matter how “nice” to ME they are, like the Ps are “nice at first” then when you get hooked, they spring the REAL THEM on you.
Now, I know if you don’t associate with folks who do these things you would have to go live on a desert island alone, but you don’t have to let them inside your CIRCLE OF TRUST.
People are not automatically admitted to my CIRCLE ofTRUST, it is an EARNED positiion, and if people engage in bad behavior they are thrust out of that circle. I have learned to SET BOUNDARIES and enforce them.
I am no longer so “forgiving” of deliberate bad behavior, even on a “once in a while basis”—if you steal “once in a while” you are STILL A THIEF ALL THE TIME. If you let anger provoke you to violence “once in a while” you are still a person who has ANGER ISSUES and I don’t need you in my life like a time bomb.
I am learning to TRUST myself, because I am training myself the RED FLAGS to watch for that INDICATE A PREDATOR or a dangerous person in my vacinity. You can do that too.
The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, and though people can change, and some few do, if someone has a long record of bad behavior, I likely would not let them close to me. Illegal and immoral, and irresponsible beahvior as a way of life is not for people I want close to me. I am becoming a bit more “picky” and descriminating in people I want around me CLOSE.
OD,
I like your list. I would take that and add to it:
#5 DEMONSTRATES GROSS NEGLIGENCE WHEN IT COMES TO PERSONAL FINANCES
If someone refuses to pay bills or debt, that to me is the same thing as stealing. My Ex would rack up cell phone bills, never pay them, just jump to another service. Same thing with Internet providers and other creditors. I guess this goes back to the sense of entitlement, that everything to them should be “gratis” at the expense of everyone else. Doesn’t wash in my book. Sometimes we all get into positions where we have a bad credit score (such as after my divorce), but I worked my butt off to make sure that every bill was eventually paid. These people do not have that same sense of responsibility.