Clearly the LoveFraud community, better than anyone, can testify to the reality of sociopaths and the damage they can inflict on others.
Sociopaths exist. That is inarguable. The sociopath is someone, as we know, with a grossly deficient respect for the integrity and boundaries of others; someone who sizes others up principally as assets to be exploited for his or her own whims and needs. The sociopath is a remorseless user and taker.
At the same time, I think it’s worth noting that sociopathy, in general, makes for sensational copy, as a result of which estimations of its incidence in the general population are at risk, I would argue, of being dubiously, irresponsibly inflated.
Martha Stout, for instance, in her formerly bestselling The Sociopath Next Door, an otherwise rather unoriginal (in my view) layman’s introduction to sociopaths, capitalizes and, I suggest, exploits a spicy subject by suggesting that as much as 4% of the general population may meet criteria for sociopathy.
It’s unclear exactly how Stout derives her figure, but it strikes me (at best) as questionable, and more likely, as reckless. Certainly it’s in Stout’s interest, as an author, to sensationalize sociopathy, the better for her book sales. And a good way to do this, indisputably, is to suggest bloated numbers of sociopaths’ existence.
Four percent of the general population? Stout is suggesting that as many as one in 25 people with whom we cross paths may be sociopaths?
Even Robert Hare, Ph.D, the noted psychopathy researcher, estimates that upwards of 1% of the general population meets his very stingent criteria for psychopathy (psychopathy, in Hare’s terms, being synonymous with sociopathy). Compared to Stout’s figure, Hare’s seems much more reasonable. But even 1% strikes me as somewhat high.
These estimates suggest, for instance, that basically at any random gathering—in church, synagogue, a high-school basketball game, or town council meeting, you name it—we are likely to be sitting in proximity to a true sociopath, if not several?
It also suggests that, in the course of a day, or week, we’ll have crossed paths, if not rubbed elbows with, multiple sociopaths? Day after day, week after week, we are consistently crossing paths, if unknowingly, with sociopaths?
I struggle with this view, as someone who has clinically worked (and not irregularly, works) with sociopathic individuals.
My own gut, clinical and life experience leaves me suspicious that, as real and mumerically prevalent as sociopaths are, there is one sitting in every classroom on back to school night, and several in attendance at every school play?
As a matter of fact, I think possible exaggerations of the incidence of sociopathy do an injustice to the victims of real sociopaths. Nowadays, it’s common for anyone who deals with an insensitive, manipulative jerk to call that person a sociopath. You hear the label sociopath being permissively applied, in my view, to a wide range of people to whom it doesn’t accurately apply.
There has been a confusing, in my view, of sociopathy with other disorders, like narcissistic and borderline. Within personal relationships acts of aggressiveness, passive-aggressiveness, selfishness and abusiveness are now routinely (and liberally) ascribed to the offending partner’s sociopathy, as if a host of other explanatory sources of these problem-behaviors barely merits consideration.
Some individuals with borderline personality disorder, for instance, are capable of vengeful, cold-blooded behavior when they feel emotionally abandoned. A good example of a film portrayal of a borderline personality is Glenn Close’s performance in Fatal Attraction. Close could easily be misdiagnosed as a sociopath given her demonstated—and sociopathic-like—capacity for chilling, ruthless vengeance. But her desperation, and her rage stemming from her desperation, is a borderline personality tendency that better explains her calculated viciousness.
I’ve worked often with spouses of narcissistic personalities, who feel inordinately entitled to having their sensitivities and demands met. Narcissists will tend to react with an unsavory combination of contempt, rage, passive-aggressive and/or aggressive relatiation when disappointed (which is constantly). Often I’ll hear the spouses of such personalities refer to them as sociopaths, when their partners’ disturbance is more often related to narcissism than sociopathy.
My point, please don’t misunderstand me, isn’t to question the prevalence of true sociopathy—merely its estimated incidence as proposed by some experts. As a matter of fact, it’s highly unlikely that your next door neighbor is a sociopath, yet the title of Stout’s book would have you virtually anticipate this possibility.
Make no mistake, there are many ways that neighbors can makes themselves our nightmares without being sociopaths. When I lived in Mill Valley, CA in 2000, we had a neighbor who threw (I’m not kidding) a large, dead rat over the fence separating our properties into our backyard as I played catch with my lab. The rat landed with a sickening thud in front of my left foot, just as I about to make another heave of the frisbee. My courageous response, naturally, was to shriek like a terrified three year old.
This was just the latest in a series of hostile actions this neighbor took to express his displeasure with our existence. Was he a sociopath? I’m sure I called him one, and was convinced he was, but he probably wasn’t. He might have been a sociopath, that’s certainly possible; but as creepy as his action (and he) was, I’d hedge my bets that another problem better explained his belligerence. Maybe paranoia? Maybe some malignant form of acted-out narcissism? I’ll never know.
I do know that if this ever happens to me again—a rat’s being thrown into my yard while I’m standing there minding my own business—it will probably be more than my heart can take.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
bloggerT7165: I agree with your post. I’ve dated guys that cheated on me that were just jerks..immature..not ready for a serious committment. But the last one was definitely a sociopath. His controlling ways were overwhelming. He cut me off from my friends and family, dictated how I dressed, who to wave hello to, who to talk to, where to work, accused me of looking at men and causing scenes in public about it. I felt he cheated on me to keep control too. If I wore something he did not approve of, he would fight and storm out to the OW’s house for the night. Then come home the next day like nothing happened. Then the cycle would start all over again. It was like he was trying to “train me” into obeying him. The other traits are there too. He drained my bank account, didn’t want to work, lived under my roof for free. I wouldn’t say he was a psychopath only because he wasn’t a cold blooded murderer or anything but a sociopathic liar, control freak, user and abuser.
BPD are cyclical- psychos aren’t, though the mask goes up and down.
And I think the reason LF exists is because we under-identify psychos.
Malignant Narcissists can be impulsive and suffer from other disorders too.
And I don’t think cruelty is relative….though psychos would like us to think it is.
I think people can have varying degrees of sociopathy, and some people can have “tendencies”. I have known a few like that. They were very different in demeanor to the narcissists I have known.
Schizoid. That is my malignant narcissists other diagnosis. My parents stayed with us for 2.5 weeks. I was working, he of course was not. My parents said he NEVER came out of our room. The entire time I was at work. He never had one conversation with them the entire time, even when I was home. I was like well what was he doing in there? I now know he was having internet affairs. With my parents in the living room. Yep, I found a crazy! Not only that, but I had a baby with him OMG!!!!!
BPD are not Cluster B. That is another beast I know very little about other then my brother was diagnosed with it. But considering the 10s of thousands of $$ he has stolen from my parents, I wonder if he got the right diagnosis.
Yes, we under diagnose. If we over diagnosed none of us would be in this predicamint. I know I never will be again.
Bird, I had a baby with one also. I had mediation today with my S husband. He lied throughout the entire session. When it was my turn to talk to the mediator alone I just basically told her that I give up. He only sees our child once a week anyway so I will leave it like that. We went through fertility to have our child and now he only sees her 3 hours a week and that just started in May 2008. When he first left he did not come visit at all. He was busy with his mistress and their child. He literally traded one family for another.
I was hoping the mediator would see through him and warn the judge to order him to take a psychological but that never happened. I looked like the crazy one. In fact, the mediator asked me if I was going to counseling but not him because he was so cool and calm.
It is so fabulous to have this site. But it is scarey because it seems like there isn’t anything we can do to stop them. My husband fits every criteria/ has every symptom that is mentioned on this site. I do fear with whomever ends up with him or with any S for that matter. I will be aware of all red flags in my next relationship. I am going to be done after 1 lie!
If anyone is inclined, a good book to read about character disorders and character armor is Bioenergetics by Alexander Lowen. He talks about the schizoid, oral, masochistic, rigid, and sociopathic characters from the point of view of how their defenses get created and how they get bound up in their body. The author himself talks about how he went through body-oriented therapy for many years to remove the armoring in his body. In the process, he discovered some energy blockages that were sociopathic. He defines the discorders by the energetic blockages found in the body and the associated beliefs and behavior patterns. I myself feel I have some oral-schizoid type patterns (this would probably include borderlines). I have been working on this for years, so that I’m not a total basket case, thankfully.
For a massage therapist like me who works with the physical manifestations in my clients, this is quite fascinating. The issues are in the tissues, as we bodyworkers like to say!
We have teens wilding beyond their parents’ imagination (s/p’s no longer feel constrained so others try to rise to their level). Cruise passengers have figured out they can commit crimes with impunity since the cruiseline won’t want the publicity (a s/p’s dream) – cruiseline employees have known this for years. Teen criminals often videotape their cruel exploits (s/p’s are essentially non self-referential, they need a mirror and comments from others). We have a sociopaths-gone-wild economy (a sequential bubble economy is the economic equivalent of a perpetual motion machine, a s/p favorite). Millions of parents are lied to about the true cause of their children’s behavior. No one tells adoptive parents of the risk of a s/p child (the progeny of unhappy seductions, often by s/p’s, are often put up for adoption). No, I don’t think the numbers are exaggerated at all.
Also I believe that people need to know that a next door neighbor or workmate could very well be a s/p. “Sociopaths move through the world like sharks through the water because no one ever calls them on it.” http://pathwhisperer.wordpress.com/ I find that many people believe s/p’s are so rare that essentially they don’t believe in them. How can such people protect themselves or others from s/p manipulations? To borrow a phrase: see no evil, a preyers’ prayer.
And, quite frankly, I’ve never heard of the really top rank s/p’s presenting themselves to clinicians. Why would they, they’re perfect (in their own minds).
The comments in this blog from those whose lives have been devastated by s/p lovers, spouses and family members attest to the relatively common presence of s/p’s in daily life.
I agree with Dr. Leedom on this one, it is “how do you DEFINE the term”?
For my money there are WAAAAAYYY TOOOOOO MANY people with “personality disorders”–whether they are NPDs, PPDs, or BPDs or any other “PD” they are ALL toxic. What difference does the “percentage” make? Personally, I think 10% of the population AT LEAST is “TOXIC” and without moral compass, and that may be way too low an estimate.
We know there is a BIG genetic component to personality disorders and if every PD person has even one offspring with a PD then they double every 20 years or so just in raw numbers. We also know (at least annicdotally) that they seem to spread their seed “far and wide,” (especially the males) so have a greater chance of having a child with the PD than other people who tend to have fewer children.
Instead of worrying about the “percentage” of people who “qualify” under Hare’s list, why don’t we just label “toxic” personality disorder or “chaotic” personality disorder, and not worry about the “finer points” of just how toxic they are? If they use and abuse others, sire or have children they do not nurture, do repeat criminal acts, sponge or mooch off of others, they are “toxic” PERIOD.
Obviously this topic correlates to the criteria we use to define a sociopath or psychopath. I find that more people than I would like to admit happen to fit the criteria. Am I over-estimating? If it walks like a duck…
To me, anyone who lies for selfish gain (be it to cover up an inferiority complex/superiority complex or to con another person), who has no empathy, no forgiveness, no remorse, who blames others for their behavior, who refuses to take responsibility for themselve’s, who cheats, who controls, who does anything but love another despite saying so, who takes advantage of others and who smears the name of someone to save face, etc…..that is a sociopath! They don’t have to yell, don’t have to hit and don’t have to steal your money to hurt you beyond comprehension.
I don’t care what personality disorder or what combination of disorders that person suffers from. Those qualities make them dangerous and prone to break the law, break hearts, and do whatever they feel justified in doing. I find that these folks will find any excuse in the book to do what they do.
I also don’t care if someone shows two or three of the criteria or all of them. One is enough for me to run in the other direction. A sociopath is a sociopath. Now exactly where they lie on the continuum of severity…that’s another subject. But those out there who have the potential to do great harm are, in my opinion, aplenty. I think we are breeding them in our culture and so I would rather us over-estimate the numbers Steve than under-estimate. I think it’s a wake-up call for our culture to take note of what we’re doing.
If a woman has a pathological hatred of men and uses, abuses, and degrades them at every turn is she a psychopath? What about if she is only this way towards men but not towards other women? To her victims she certainly appears to be a psychopath and the damage done to them can be the same so it really does not matter in that aspect. But this does not mean that they truly are a psychopath.
There are numerous examples of people and groups of people who have dehumanized and demonized certain groups of people based on gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, etc and based on that they have treated those people in ways that could be considered psychopathic by their victims yet they have not treated others outside the demonized group poorly. In fact they often treat others with love, tenderness, empathy, kindness, etc. But if you go ask the ones they have harmed you will hear what sounds like a true psychopath. And of course some will be and some will not be.
Psychopaths are equal opportunity predators. Anyone and everyone is treated as a dehumanized group and no one is treated as the non-demhumanized group unless it is for a short term goal of obtaining, and hence abusing/using, their desires.
But if you are in a relationship with someone who is inflicting pain and trauma on you, what difference does it make what they are or what it is called? All that matters from that perspective is to get the trauma and abuse to stop.
I think there are differences depending on how and why you are looking at this whole thing. Educationing others about the predators out there is one (i.e. what a P or N may look do, look like, etc). Survivors telling their stories and reaching out is one. Clinical/research is another and there are more.
Consider these examples:
I used to work in the prison system for quite a few years. One of the inmates I had was a former gang member in for murder he helped to commit when he was still a minor. He and some other members chased down a rival gang member and shot him in the head with a shotgun. Now as a gang member this young man had taken part in other criminal and antisocial activities (drugs, theft, etc).
Another inmate I had was in for rape. He and another person had kidnapped a woman, raped her, and when they were done they urinated and defecated on her and her belongings. They also did more with a firearm that made sure she could never have children again (it was a miracle she survived).
Are they both psychopaths? It would be real easy to say yes. The first one is not. There were many factors into why he was involved in his crime. Not only did he display real remorse, but over the years his behaviors/actions demonstrated that he also displayed empathy for others, etc. He was eventually released and went on to marry, have children and to try to help others avoid the path he went down and to try to make amends for the awful thing he had done in his life.
The second one was a psychopath. He expressed no remorse for his crime, no empathy ever displayed for others, etc. He saw and treated everyone around him as objects to be used. He could be “friendly” with people but not true friends with anyone. He could cut your throat and sit on your corpse while eating his lunch and not understand what the big deal was. His behaviors never changed over time. He tried to fake doing so at times and some folks would fall for it but when that would happen they would be instructed to observe him when he did not know he was being observed and tada his true self appeared.
So since there is no cure at this time for psychopaths it is important to be cautious when we toss something on someone that is not able to be fixed ever. The first case showed that he was not a P (to me he is much closer to meeting the definition of an S compared to a P and demonstrates the difference) and was able to grow and change.