Clearly the LoveFraud community, better than anyone, can testify to the reality of sociopaths and the damage they can inflict on others.
Sociopaths exist. That is inarguable. The sociopath is someone, as we know, with a grossly deficient respect for the integrity and boundaries of others; someone who sizes others up principally as assets to be exploited for his or her own whims and needs. The sociopath is a remorseless user and taker.
At the same time, I think it’s worth noting that sociopathy, in general, makes for sensational copy, as a result of which estimations of its incidence in the general population are at risk, I would argue, of being dubiously, irresponsibly inflated.
Martha Stout, for instance, in her formerly bestselling The Sociopath Next Door, an otherwise rather unoriginal (in my view) layman’s introduction to sociopaths, capitalizes and, I suggest, exploits a spicy subject by suggesting that as much as 4% of the general population may meet criteria for sociopathy.
It’s unclear exactly how Stout derives her figure, but it strikes me (at best) as questionable, and more likely, as reckless. Certainly it’s in Stout’s interest, as an author, to sensationalize sociopathy, the better for her book sales. And a good way to do this, indisputably, is to suggest bloated numbers of sociopaths’ existence.
Four percent of the general population? Stout is suggesting that as many as one in 25 people with whom we cross paths may be sociopaths?
Even Robert Hare, Ph.D, the noted psychopathy researcher, estimates that upwards of 1% of the general population meets his very stingent criteria for psychopathy (psychopathy, in Hare’s terms, being synonymous with sociopathy). Compared to Stout’s figure, Hare’s seems much more reasonable. But even 1% strikes me as somewhat high.
These estimates suggest, for instance, that basically at any random gathering—in church, synagogue, a high-school basketball game, or town council meeting, you name it—we are likely to be sitting in proximity to a true sociopath, if not several?
It also suggests that, in the course of a day, or week, we’ll have crossed paths, if not rubbed elbows with, multiple sociopaths? Day after day, week after week, we are consistently crossing paths, if unknowingly, with sociopaths?
I struggle with this view, as someone who has clinically worked (and not irregularly, works) with sociopathic individuals.
My own gut, clinical and life experience leaves me suspicious that, as real and mumerically prevalent as sociopaths are, there is one sitting in every classroom on back to school night, and several in attendance at every school play?
As a matter of fact, I think possible exaggerations of the incidence of sociopathy do an injustice to the victims of real sociopaths. Nowadays, it’s common for anyone who deals with an insensitive, manipulative jerk to call that person a sociopath. You hear the label sociopath being permissively applied, in my view, to a wide range of people to whom it doesn’t accurately apply.
There has been a confusing, in my view, of sociopathy with other disorders, like narcissistic and borderline. Within personal relationships acts of aggressiveness, passive-aggressiveness, selfishness and abusiveness are now routinely (and liberally) ascribed to the offending partner’s sociopathy, as if a host of other explanatory sources of these problem-behaviors barely merits consideration.
Some individuals with borderline personality disorder, for instance, are capable of vengeful, cold-blooded behavior when they feel emotionally abandoned. A good example of a film portrayal of a borderline personality is Glenn Close’s performance in Fatal Attraction. Close could easily be misdiagnosed as a sociopath given her demonstated—and sociopathic-like—capacity for chilling, ruthless vengeance. But her desperation, and her rage stemming from her desperation, is a borderline personality tendency that better explains her calculated viciousness.
I’ve worked often with spouses of narcissistic personalities, who feel inordinately entitled to having their sensitivities and demands met. Narcissists will tend to react with an unsavory combination of contempt, rage, passive-aggressive and/or aggressive relatiation when disappointed (which is constantly). Often I’ll hear the spouses of such personalities refer to them as sociopaths, when their partners’ disturbance is more often related to narcissism than sociopathy.
My point, please don’t misunderstand me, isn’t to question the prevalence of true sociopathy—merely its estimated incidence as proposed by some experts. As a matter of fact, it’s highly unlikely that your next door neighbor is a sociopath, yet the title of Stout’s book would have you virtually anticipate this possibility.
Make no mistake, there are many ways that neighbors can makes themselves our nightmares without being sociopaths. When I lived in Mill Valley, CA in 2000, we had a neighbor who threw (I’m not kidding) a large, dead rat over the fence separating our properties into our backyard as I played catch with my lab. The rat landed with a sickening thud in front of my left foot, just as I about to make another heave of the frisbee. My courageous response, naturally, was to shriek like a terrified three year old.
This was just the latest in a series of hostile actions this neighbor took to express his displeasure with our existence. Was he a sociopath? I’m sure I called him one, and was convinced he was, but he probably wasn’t. He might have been a sociopath, that’s certainly possible; but as creepy as his action (and he) was, I’d hedge my bets that another problem better explained his belligerence. Maybe paranoia? Maybe some malignant form of acted-out narcissism? I’ll never know.
I do know that if this ever happens to me again—a rat’s being thrown into my yard while I’m standing there minding my own business—it will probably be more than my heart can take.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I am SO disappointed in myself….I hadn’t communicated with my S for over a month. He left yesterday on hunting trip for two weeks. I don’t have a clue why I did it, but I sent him a text message last night telling him to enjoy the trip. I am angry at myself because now he is sitting back thinking….Yep, she still likes me!!!!!
Dear Nwillamon,
Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and DON’T DO IT AGAIN. It’s kind of a “standing joke” aorund here about my “iron skillet” that if you “need it” I will BOINK you over the head with. (my own head is flat on top from me boinking myself too LOL) I don’t think you need a “BOINK” from me OR YOURSELF for doing that, but you sure don’t need to repeat it. It is DIFFICULT to stop contact, and at first you have to stop PHYSICAL CONTACT, and that includes any form of contact, but it is almost impossible to keep EMOTIONAL no contact during this time.
I used to write letters to my P XBF, and my P-son, and to my Mom, I mean write for HOURS AND H OURS and not send them. I would scream at them as I drove alone in my car (Aloha said she also did that one) because you want SO BADLY to let them know what they are—hun, they DO know what they are and they don’t care.
But eventually, if you keep physical no contact, you will come to EMOTIONAL no contact, the ADDICTION will be broken at least and you can start to heal, but as long as you keep on ANY kind of communication with him, even via a third party, your healing is SET BACK every time. EVERY time.
Now, sweetie, “go and sin no more” I “0bsolve” you of your “sin” of sending a text, NOW FORGIVE YOURSELF. (HUGS))))
Thanks! Now can I have the BOINK which I so deserve! Physical contact was severed a month ago….but this emotional contact is a tough one!
Dear nwillamon,
Darlling, you did NOT get a boink this time, but I promise you one if you do it again! LOL Yes, the physical NO contact is easy-er, but it isn’t easy by any means, the EMOTIONAL no contact is harder.
One friend of mine was in EMOTIOANL contact CONSTANTLY 24/7 for nearly a year. She is finally coming into emotional no contact—I thought she never would get through it. She cried continually and ranted and cried and ranted some more. But I didn’t give up on her and I pulled every “trick out of my trick bag” to help her.
Try this one. Put a big rubber band around your wrist, a Big strong one, but not tight of course and evertime you start thinking about him, pull it out and snap the crap out of your innside wrist (it is tender there!) If you just can’t not think about him, start reciting your multiplication tables. It is impossible to keep two inner dialogs going at once so if you chant or even sing a song. I would sing “Mary had a little lamb” or some other nonsense song, or “Jesus loves me” or anything that I knew the words to and could sing it to myself while I actually did something like sweep the floor or wash dishes, or polish furniture.
Physical exercise is also a MUST, the more the better, as it will help burn off the stress hormones you have had for so long that adversely effect your health.
All these littel “tricks” really did help me and I think they helped my friend as well. She’s also had a really hard time “forgiving herself” for allowing him to emotionally rape her. She is a VERY bright woman and VERY successful in her field (world known) and she is also a very moral and good woman, so she has beaten herself with my skillet til her skull is flat inspite of everything I could do. I think now though she is finally forgiving HERSELF. That was MY worst hurdle was the forgiving of myelf.
I am human, I have allowed abuse, I have actually been an asshole in my pain as well. Those two things were hard to forgive myself for, but until I did, there was still a lot of pain left inside me. I’m far from “100% healed” but dog gone it, I am a lot further along than I was when I was BOINKING myself hourly. Hang in there dear, you are making good progress, that first month or two of physical no contact is the worst I think, and you have had the strength to do that, so one little “slip” is no “mortal sin” (((((hugs)))))
You are an angel!!! Perhaps the worst of it is the humiliation and forgiving yourself for falling prey to the beast. My friends don’t even want me to mention his name, and they are shocked that this successful, smart and seemingly strong woman could be so obsessed.
Nwillamon,
Yes, that is part of th problem, your friends get bored with hearing about it, and you have such a NEED to talk about it, like you would if you had seen a “space ship from mars” and no one believes you, but I can guarentee that WE BELIEVE YOU so you can rant away HERE and be validated. I know you would love to have your friends validate you as well, but most of the time, unfortunately, that is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
When I went to the sheriff and told him my tale of woe and HE VALIDATED ME I was absolutely on cloud 9–SOMEONE BELIEVED ME! YIPEEEEEEE! SOMEONE BELIEVES ME!!!!!
LAUGHING MY BUTT OFF ABOUT THAT BUT IT IS SOOOOOO TRUE.
I’ve told t his story before but when I went to a new psych therapist and took 2 hours for the intake session with my “everyone in the world in my family is out to kill me” he very nicely asked if I would bring in a witness the next week to verify that my “tale of woe” was true (and that I was not a paranoid nut case, of course) I brought in court documents and my other son to verify that “YES, THEY ARE ALL OUT TO KILL HER” I laughed about that, even then, because it was CRAZIER THAN ANY FICTION SOLD TODAY, but it was ALL TRUE! LOL
Yes, the HUMILIATION of being a person who is so “easily and continually duped” and “put up with such abuse” is TERRIBLE. Until I forgave myself and got out of the guilt and humiliation of that stage I couldn’t progress. FORGIVING OURSELVES is IMPORTANT. I didn’t realize how important for a long time. Now I feel like I have discovered a new planet or something, that has been shining in my eyes forever and I didn’t see it until NOW.
I had forcused on forgiving them (getting the anger and bitterness etc out of my own heart, NOT reestablishing a trusting relationship with them) that I didn’t see the MOST IMPORTANT forgiveness that was needed, MYSELF. Now, I want to leap for JOY and TELL THE WORLD “forgive yourself”—there is no fanatic like a convert, and I am a fanatic about forgiving ourselves! ((((hugs)))))
Hearing that Casey Anthony has been indicted for murder 1 and is back in the slammer has made my freaking day!!!! :’)
I’m with you Jen on the Casey Anthony being arrested. I hadn’t been following it closely but just googled about Casey and saw that she had been arrested for many other fraud etc charges prior to this.
Last night I think it was protesters were outside Cindy’s house throwing pennies at their door and windows.
I don’t know if Cindy is “normal” or personality disordered herself or somewhere in between, but I do have a great deal of empathy for her. I remember how I felt when I found out my son had been arrested for murder an the cops from Dallas called me in Arkansas and talked to me like I had killed the girl, I wanted SO BADLY to believe he was innocent and he SAID he was innocent, but I also knew he LIED ABOUT MOST THINGS, so I was so TORN…I imagine that Cindy, for whatever her faults are or aren’t must be in TERRIBLE agony, wanting so badly to believe her daughter did NOT kill that child, yet part of her knowing that there is a pretty good chance she DID kill the child.
Cindy is “between the devil and the deep blue sea” no matter what happens now, SHE is a loser as well as that poor toddler.
It is such a sick sick situation and if Casey did kill the child I hope she never ever sees the light of day a free person again. She and Susan Smith can share a freaking cell.
Becker LCSW is that licenced Soc/psy?
Given the Time 1939 to 2008 69 years
Most stats came from INMATE population !
Dr. Jere here
SOC/PSY range of grasp of comprehension=
is equal to =
1 ……………………………………..cosmos
I recon ya aint done no reasurch! How many peas in a Pod? No disrespect
love jere
Z88.3.com