(This article is copyrighted (c) 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. The use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
“Loyalty” and “the sociopath” are incompatible terms. We’ve discussed many traits of the exploitive personality, but let’s not minimize a very vital one: deficient loyalty. Clearly, deficient loyalty is a sociopathic characteristic.
A deficiency of loyalty can be disguised very well by clever, self-serving rationalizations. But you will not find the case of a true sociopath about whom you will ever be able to say: he (or she) was really, through and through, truly loyal.
Loyal? What does “loyal” mean? It’s actually pretty simple to define: when you are loyal, you “have the backs” of those who’ve “had your back.”
You “have their backs” because you want to “have their backs.” You are glad, if not grateful, for the chance to “have the backs” of those who’ve had yours. This is loyalty. It’s application feels good, and it feels consonant with the loyal individual’s “value system.”
Now, in some cases “loyalty” can lead to corruption. For instance, look at law enforcement: cops, corrections officers, will often “have each others’ backs—”they will often “go down” protecting their own even in scandals where, intellectually, they are well aware that laws were broken (by colleagues and friends), and the public’s trust violated. But they “have each others’ backs,” sometimes stubbornly and illegally. Their loyalty to each other may, in a rather complex way, sometimes contravenes other “values” they may have, such as ethical ones.
In a person of conscience, this may produce real conflict and stress. In someone with a weaker conscience, this may not be the case.
In some cases, the “whistle-blower,” who might “look” more honest and courageous than his seemingly more ethically-challenged colleagues, might be more sociopathic than his “corrupt” counterparts who, in snubbing authority and the law, maintain “the backs” of those who had his (or hers).
I am not judging this phenomenon in any way at all, just pointing out its sometimes complexity.
So “loyalty—”its demonstrations (and abdications)—can encompass serious moral complexity.
This is a case where, of course, not all evidence of disloyalty is a hot red flag of sociopathy, but “disloyalty” is absolutely a feature of the sociopathic personality.
And this is especially true: when “loyalty” becomes inconvenient, now we have something to evaluate. When it’s “inconvenient” to be loyal, watch the disloyal individual (and sociopaths) shed their capacity to “seem” loyal with a variety of disturbing rationalizations, and sometimes without even the need to explain. Watch them, in any case, emerge in their truer colors.
If there is a single quality, in fact—a single, true trait—whose presence alone virtually “rules out” sociopathy, it is arguably “loyalty.”
You simply cannot be “loyal” to those in your life who have been loyal to you—that is, be truly loyal to them even when it’s no longer expedient to be so—and be truly sociopathic.
As I said, true loyalty and true sociopathy are simply incompatible concepts, and will never describe the same individual.
G1S
I agree.
I’m not sure about police etc. When my son joined the police explorers club in our town, which was run by our local police department, he was told that he had just joined the biggest brotherhood in the world.
Laws are broken, “stretched,” or overlooked all the time by the courts and politicians so if they can look the other way, is it that surprising that the brotherhood, i.e., family, would be a stronger bond than upholding the law which is often capriciously applied or interpreted?
The law isn’t black-and-white. People need to feel grounded.
It must be very demoralizing to be an idealistic police officer only to see lawyers getting their clients off on technicalities, seeing monied politicians getting away with lies and lining their pockets, or seeing seasoned criminals released from jail for spurious reasons or not serving their full term.
And “whistleblower” can also describe anyone who presents themselves as a “well meaning” friend, relative, or co-worker. A whistleblower does not need to be somebody reporting misdoings of a Wall Street firm or a manufacturing dumping toxic waste into the environment.
All is takes is a snake in the grass who whispers in somebody’s ear, “Darling, you know how much I care about you so, please don’t take me the wrong way, but did you know that …” Plant the seeds of poison and sit back to watch the show.
My mother told me that back in the 1960s, a woman at my father’s office bragged about making a $10 bet with another secretary that not only could she get a married worker to sleep with her, but she could break up his marriage as well. After both happened, she dumped the guy and collected her money. Yeah, the husband was a scum bag. Where was his loyalty to his wife and marriage vows? Nowadays, fewer and fewer people think they even matter.
The only loyalty that Ps might ever have is to themselves.
kim frederick
“Loyalty”, “complexity”, “whistle-blower”, “minions”, “fence-sitter”…..thank-you, Steve. Yes, it is mired in “complexitivity” isn’t it? I agree, though, that, at the end of the day, the spath’s only true loyalty is to themselves.
Eralyn
Great article and great timing for me.
As I learn my spath family yucked it up with the the psycho who has ruined their daughter and granddaughters peace, joy and financial stability. They say “betrayal? I don’t understand what you mean or how you say this is betrayal”……. in true spath form. The biggest slap in the face is it’s not like they KNOW him or have evered shared even a meal together in their lives!!
Thanks MOM & DAD…….
Back_from_the_edge
Thanks Steve…
Loyalty is a non concept for ppaths/spaths.
It holds no bearing on any of their ‘concepts’.
In fact, they regard ‘loyalty’ as foolishness.
In their eyes, we are very foolish for being loyal.
They mock us as they stand before us.
It amazes me, still, how all these ‘beings’ have the
same traits. WHAT or WHY is that? Is there something
in the pollution about us? Corrupting genes? Laying down
bad bases for future life and the well being of that life?
Complexity only skimmers the surface of what this is.
You said a mouthful though when you said that a loyal
person and a sociopath cannot mix. It is against everything
they live for. Definitely.
As you start to peel away the onion skins and rewind it
all in thought and memory, you can actually SEE and HEAR
all of the webs coming undone, one by one. I gave up
listening to any more when my life was threatened.
I gave up caring, at all, when the actual attempt was made.
This is MY LIFE. I want this demon away from me for the
rest of eternity. I have built and island around me and I
have lived in psychosis because of the mind control, for
the past two years. It’s really noticeable when you get
rid of the problem, the psychosis begins to unwind, all
by itself and you can clearly see and think.
Having “IT” and the entire ‘roadshow’ away from me, now,
for the sixth bout of NC, in just about 13 years, only for the
past six months now. “I” have been loyal to NC, although
the reverse has not been true. I have been non stop
stalked until I changed my phone number and now it
is very quiet again.
The only thing my cutting “IT” off has done is to funnel
him right down to my front door, which was the case a
couple of weeks ago. I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE.
I WILL NEVER BE AFRAID OF “IT”.
“IT” is the one who should be VERY afraid of
losing “IT’s” freedom. It sure can’t practice
any more shenanigans from behind bars. Hm?
Virtues do not exist in their vocabulary.
It’s all about THEM, all the time, with no
forethought and/or concern for others.
Thanks Steve for another great write!!!
You have helped to solidify my day.
Dupey
callmeathena
On a related topic, you know what I wonder about?
In the face of full force seduction, who can resist?
What are the traits of those who can resist?
Michael Jordan couldn’t resist.
Many of us who were targeted by our spaths couldn’t resist.
Who CAN resist, and what are their secrets?
Athena
Eralyn
Backfromtheedge,
That’s exactly how my mother sounded. Like I was foolish and has many times during heartbreaking conversations I could not comprehend. I comprehend now. It is also heartbreaking but at least I know what I am dealing with.
callmeathena
Eralyn
Are you saying your mom was a spath?
Athena
Eralyn
I am as sure as I can be about my father being a spath and the ruling on my mom isn’t totally in.
I asked my counselor who has known me and my issues for many many years WHAT AM I DEALING WITH? He hesitates but I said, “I’m thinking dad is a sociopath and mom is a malignant narcisist?”
His words, “I feel that’s probably pretty accurate”. So they of course have not been diagnosed and my mom has met with my counselor before. He knows me from many angles of being a counselor first for an employee of mine, then me and long term spath and then friends who I have referred to him over the years. I feel he has as good of a guessing handle as a person can. I have been said to have “situational anxiety to change and PTSD”….. So that’s the best way I can answer you. Does it sound like it to you?
It’s very difficult to answer your question and hurtful for me as I feel some “loyalty” to and probably some “situational anxiety” about labelling them once and for all on the http://WWW………... truth……..
Eralyn
But do we know if narcisists have loyalty or lack of loyalty issues? The current conversation with my mom about betrayal just happened a couple of weeks of ago and I have not spoken with her since.
Eralyn
The counselor also elaborated on shameless behaviors of father with no ability to feel anything regarding his affect on another but mom was more shame filled.
Her behaviors have become more prevalent over the years and I feel like either life has hardened her or her choice of career but she does speak openly and emphasizes her empathy for animals but leaves humans out at every conversation??? of late……….