(This article is copyrighted (c) 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. The use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
“Loyalty” and “the sociopath” are incompatible terms. We’ve discussed many traits of the exploitive personality, but let’s not minimize a very vital one: deficient loyalty. Clearly, deficient loyalty is a sociopathic characteristic.
A deficiency of loyalty can be disguised very well by clever, self-serving rationalizations. But you will not find the case of a true sociopath about whom you will ever be able to say: he (or she) was really, through and through, truly loyal.
Loyal? What does “loyal” mean? It’s actually pretty simple to define: when you are loyal, you “have the backs” of those who’ve “had your back.”
You “have their backs” because you want to “have their backs.” You are glad, if not grateful, for the chance to “have the backs” of those who’ve had yours. This is loyalty. It’s application feels good, and it feels consonant with the loyal individual’s “value system.”
Now, in some cases “loyalty” can lead to corruption. For instance, look at law enforcement: cops, corrections officers, will often “have each others’ backs—”they will often “go down” protecting their own even in scandals where, intellectually, they are well aware that laws were broken (by colleagues and friends), and the public’s trust violated. But they “have each others’ backs,” sometimes stubbornly and illegally. Their loyalty to each other may, in a rather complex way, sometimes contravenes other “values” they may have, such as ethical ones.
In a person of conscience, this may produce real conflict and stress. In someone with a weaker conscience, this may not be the case.
In some cases, the “whistle-blower,” who might “look” more honest and courageous than his seemingly more ethically-challenged colleagues, might be more sociopathic than his “corrupt” counterparts who, in snubbing authority and the law, maintain “the backs” of those who had his (or hers).
I am not judging this phenomenon in any way at all, just pointing out its sometimes complexity.
So “loyalty—”its demonstrations (and abdications)—can encompass serious moral complexity.
This is a case where, of course, not all evidence of disloyalty is a hot red flag of sociopathy, but “disloyalty” is absolutely a feature of the sociopathic personality.
And this is especially true: when “loyalty” becomes inconvenient, now we have something to evaluate. When it’s “inconvenient” to be loyal, watch the disloyal individual (and sociopaths) shed their capacity to “seem” loyal with a variety of disturbing rationalizations, and sometimes without even the need to explain. Watch them, in any case, emerge in their truer colors.
If there is a single quality, in fact—a single, true trait—whose presence alone virtually “rules out” sociopathy, it is arguably “loyalty.”
You simply cannot be “loyal” to those in your life who have been loyal to you—that is, be truly loyal to them even when it’s no longer expedient to be so—and be truly sociopathic.
As I said, true loyalty and true sociopathy are simply incompatible concepts, and will never describe the same individual.
Stargazer
I am going to attempt to translate Linda’s post as best as I can. There are probably some native Spanish speakers who can do better. Linda says:
“He estado con un abusivo, manipulador, controlador, violento y estafador. Supo como sacarme el dinero era bastante seductor y manipulador y yo le creà su teatro ya que actuaba muy bien. Jamás habÃa deseado tanto la muerte de alguien, y me siento tan enojada y frustrada porque supo estafarme muy bien y me sedujo bastante bien para caer en su mentira. Ahora me doy cuenta que tan involucrada estaba y me agarró en mi estado de vulnerabilidad. Ahora no se como manejar mi odio, coraje y frustración y más que nada mi odio de verlo salirse con la suya y andar como si nada en el mismo lugar donde trabajamos. No se como hacer para desquitar mi coraje o como trabajo con eso.”
I have been with an abusive manipulator, controller, violent and _____________ (con artist?). He knew how to get money from me, was seductive and manipulative enough and I believed his act that he was acting well. I had never so much wished the death of anyone, and I feel so angry and frustrated because he conned me very well and seduced me enough to fall for his lies. Now I realize that how involved I was and how he got me in a vulnerable state. Now I don’t know how to handle my hatred, anger, and frustration, and more than anything my hatred of seeing him get away with it and walk away as if it’s nothing, in the same place where we work. I don’t know how to get back my courage or how I work with that.
(Apparently, the spath effect is the same in all languages).
Back_from_the_edge
Oh definitely: sex was part of the lure.
Not all of it, but an important part of it.
First, they tell you everything you want to hear:
“You are my soulmate; you are beautiful; I care
about you sooooo sooooo much….” Yah, right.
We have something they want. It doesn’t matter
what it is: whatever they want, they move right
in close until they achieve it or push you from the
edge of the cliff.
Sex partners? hahahahaha
Multiple. One right after another!
And all at the same time. And, they
all know about one another and just cling.
I found at least 8 ((that I know of)) other
than myself and the ex wife. All done under
the radar and off the internet. Keeping all
his ‘ladies’ away from one another until they
become entertainment for him and he turns
them all on one another. Seriously. I call
them his ‘stable’. His supply. When one
pisses him off, he just moves to the others
until the other one gives in: whatever he is
trying to get from her. If you don’t go along
with all the insanity and you cause waves,
that’s when the threats of death come in.
They don’t like NOT being in control of any situation.
Multiple lives they live and they know it’s wrong so
they hide it and then someone finds out and when
it is found out, another reason they want you dead.
IF these other women find that acceptable,
then, what does that say about them? Hm?
And they ALL know about one another. Yet,
he controls the ‘stable’. And they accept that.
Yes, they all enjoy perverted sex.
“IT” screeched at me one day, that I was
just another woman whore. That as long
as he ‘bangs’ them good enough, his charm
will get him whatever he wants from them.
He said that ALL women are whores and if
you sex them good enough he can have his
way with them. How stupid they are to believe
that sex means anything more than a release of sperm.
He said he found, while he was bashing my
face in that pile of cow manure, he said he
found, that if you sex up a woman good enough,
she will relinquish to him whatever he wants,
whatever that might be. And he laughed when
he said that he got from me what he wanted…
But he sure could use some paralegal assistance from me.
When I turned him down, he became, for the final time,
cruel, mean, ugly and verbally abusive and threatening
to me. That was the last time we spoke. I forbid him to
contact me any further, in any way at all.
Lacking experience sure wasn’t my problem.
My empathy and kindness was my biggest problem
and mistake. Yah, they use our loyalty against us.
Loyalty IS a very excellent character trait, skylar,
we just have to be choosey who we give it to from
now on. For me, that is coming very difficult: trusting.
Oh yes, celibacy…
I am not an old prune but I sure do believe in it.
I have no appetite for sex since I have been through this.
Peace and quiet to me is better than any sex. Trust me.
The disgusting vileness I have been dragged through
makes me not even WANT another man to ever touch
me ever again. I don’t like nor enjoy hugs from strangers.
Know what I mean? lol
Have a good night, you all..
I am off to bed to sleep.
Blessings of peace to you all.
Dupers
Sunflower
Back_from_the_edge:
That is so true. My ex even asked me straight out how he could make a woman bond with him through sex. He thought if he was great in bed a woman would bond to him faster and stay with him if he was casanova. My jaw dropped as I was his girlfriend (or one of) at the time and while we were eating breakfast (the same day he discarded me actually- should have seen it coming…) . As the ” stable partner ” as I was, he used me to practise some casanova skills so he could please other women in certain areas. He needed to be great at it. At the time I didn’t understand why because I never liked it. It’s quite obvious now why he did it. Makes me sick…
So they do it with knowledge and purpose in my book. It’s amazing how much alike all of them are….
Truthspeak
Sunflower, each story is different. Different names, places, and nationalities, as expressed by Linda. What does NOT waver is their tactics and patterns of behavior. They may vary a it in the order and duration of the tactic, but they all follow the precise same pattern of behaviors. One by one, they go through the whole gambit of behaviors until the Great Discard if they aren’t found out, first.
Then, when they are discovered to be the toxic Things that they are and their target leaves THEM, they turn the situation around to their own benefits.
Craziness, right?
Brightest blessings
Louise
Yeah, I have asked if they all went to “spath school.”
skylar
Stargazer,
great translation, that was nice of you to do that. Hopefully Linda comes back and sees it.
The only correction I’d make is that she asked, at the end, not about courage, but about how to get rid of her anger that she carries with her. Apparently, they work together and she has to see him.
Linda, If you are reading this, Bienvenidos .
It will be difficult to work through this if you are still seeing him. If you can read English (and it seems you can), please read the gray rock article posted here on LF.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
Stargazer
Wow, Sunflower. He actually had you help him so he could please other women in bed? What a piece of work.
This is where I’m glad I’m so freakin’ insecure and jealous. I have tolerated a lot of disrespect from men, but inappropriate attention to other women has never been acceptable to me. When I was living for 3 years with the man I thought I was going to marry (whom I already felt like I was married to), and I found him on the phone having an emotional (and soon to be physical) affair with another woman, I packed up and left and never spoke to him again.
More recently, back in December 2011, I briefly dated a guy from a dating site. I noticed on our first “date” to Chipotles, his eyes followed every attractive woman across the room. I even followed with my own eyes what he was watching so I could draw it to his attention. I made a mental note: red flag. The following week he took me out to a nice dinner and didn’t do it again. However, a week or two later, he came over to my house for dinner. The opening conversation was him telling me that he was speaking with a woman friend at work, and they were trying to figure out why he can’t seem to meet a lot of women on the dating site. What is wrong with him, he wondered? He’s good looking, smart, etc. He just couldn’t figure it out! I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. After all, he’d met ME on a dating site, and I think I’m a pretty good catch for someone like him who really wasn’t all that! So I asked him, “Well, how many women do you want?” He got very defensive and argumentative. He told me I was too sensitive. We started arguing. It felt really horrible. I sat there with a tear in my eye, hurting, and he continued to argue and put me down. That was it for me – I kicked him out and never spoke with him again. That’s the last person I ever spoke with from a dating site. I guess my point is that I have NO – zip, zero, nada – tolerance for cheating. I could never be one of these women who dates a married man, because I could never share a man with another woman. I’m just not made like that I guess. I’m way too jealous and insecure. In fact, it’s probably to an extreme and something I’m working on fixing. I have no choice in my salsa community but to watch the guy/s I like dancing and flirting with other women. It’s the nature of salsa dancing. And I’m learning to accept it because the women do it too. I do it. It doesn’t mean anything necessarily. I’m learning.
Sunflower
Obviously he did. You have no idea of the shock and horror I felt. I was crushed into bits and pieces. I had no idea. I suspected it the week he discarded me, what he was really up to because of some statements he came with and things he did. Until then I just thought he was inexperienced (as he himself said, but offcourse was a total lie and because he was younger than me) and I tried to be understanding and patient with him. After a while when he’d gained the confidence he became a greedy sadistic monster, suddenly he wasn’t so inexperienced no more. ( I used to wonder how he could be so lousy in bed and become so “great” at it the next day, but I can imagine he practiced it with other girls behind my back. ) I was just a toy for him. Took me as he pleased, the word NO had absolutely no meaning. He thought he was the biggest pleaser of them all, but all I remember is pain, pain, pain and PAIN. When he popped that question, you have no idea. I can’t explain how I felt, I couldn’t say a word…. First he threatened indirectly by suicide, then I got a real telling off for having infections again (he was not so hygienic and demanded sex minimum 4 times a day, after 6 month I got pretty exhausted- fibromyalgia) and was not able to have sex and then came the question during breakfast out in public at a cafè. Pretty nice hu?
20years
Sunflower,
That is terrible. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Sunflower
Thanx 🙂 But I’m actually doing pretty good now 🙂 The clearer I see the better it gets. I’m free of him and that is all that matters.
The inevitable question has finally gotten its answer: It wasn’t me 🙂